In my last post I wrote about the emotional distance we create by holding back from sharing what we really think and feel. This week, I want to take it a step further to look at the times when we purposely don’t share information and keep secrets. Research shows holding secrets is more common than we think, but the cost may also be more than we know.
Research shows that on average people have about 13 secrets at any one time, five of which they’ve never told another person (wow). This comes from secret researcher Michael Slepian, PhD, who ironically is a professor of ethics at Columbia University Business School. The most common themes of secrets tend to be having told a lie that you don’t want to be known, having romantic interest in another person while in a relationship, and things related to money. These seem kind of obvious in that they relate to what we often feel are taboo subjects. So how is having a secret different from just being private? According to the research, a secret is defined as not just when someone doesn’t know something about you, but when you intend for them not to learn this information.
Keeping a secret is a lot of work. It requires constant vigilance around how it might be found out and what might happen if it does. Research on the effects of keeping secrets points to the isolation that happens when you have a secret. It prevents people from acting naturally and sharing freely. Studies show that secrets cause a distraction that leads to a preoccupation and a decreased feeling of authenticity and lowered self esteem and life satisfaction. Keeping a secret is shown to cause mental exhaustion as we become preoccupied and ruminate about it. It can make you feel isolated, guilty and carry a sense of shame. Other people can most likely tell when we’re holding a secret, as our behavior changes. We become nervous, give superficial explanations, and shift topics. This creates tension and distrust. Secrets create a distance from you and other people. It erodes trust and authenticity that’s important for intimacy.
Research and common sense indicate that the best relief from the burden of carrying a secret is to disclose it. However, the benefits of disclosing largely depend on who you tell, how you tell them, and why you tell them. Research on confiding secrets indicates that disclosure tends to significantly reduce rumination, the repetitive thought loops in thinking about the secret and its implications. Intrusive thoughts tend to lose their power when you don’t have to hold them alone. Sharing your secret also has the benefit of allowing you to get support. Sharing can increase intimacy and is often more positive than the secret holder may fear. It can be very powerful when disclosure leads to acceptance rather than rejection.
The readiness you feel in disclosing a secret is important. Disclosure works best when you’ve processed the secret enough to talk about it coherently and have a clear purpose for your disclosure. Telling someone a secret just to unload it and ease your own mind can be burdensome to the other person. Sharing to genuinely connect, to be known, and be understood tends to produce more lasting benefits for your well being.
And of course, the type of secret matters a lot in terms of who you should tell and how. When it’s a workplace secret, there may be professional legalities and boundaries. When it’s a relationship secret, it may be hurtful to the person you care about, and when it’s a family secret, it can create many layers of complexities. Some secrets may need to stay secret, as they may harm someone you love, violate professional boundaries, or put you at risk in some way. Sometimes the person you want to share with is no longer living or available, or the relationship may not be able to bear the weight of the truth at the time. But this doesn’t mean you can’t disclose it to someone! Finding a therapist, a relative, or trusted friends or clergy can be a way to unburden yourself of a secret in a way that allows you to process it and address the need for healing.
But the very best way to be free of the burden of secrets is to not create them in the first place. Sometimes we get in the habit of keeping secrets as a coping tool or a way of avoiding something we actually need to deal with. Notice your urge to deceive and ask yourself about it. How can you better respond in a way that doesn’t involve deception? Learning to embrace your own integrity takes life experience and maturity. We tend to learn the hard way what the effects of not telling the truth can be in the long run. Secrets have a way of compounding and causing deep regret at some point in the future.
Some secrets are cast upon us, however, not of our own doing. The burden of what to do with it is also heavy. It’s troubling to be the holder/decider of who knows something that someone else has no control over knowing. In these cases, it can really help to confide in someone and have help in determining the best course of action. The decision to disclose depends on several factors, including if keeping the secret is causing significant distress, if disclosure could prevent harm to yourself or others, the potential consequences of sharing versus not sharing, and the other party’s capacity to handle the information.
As technological advances reveal more and more truths, such as genetics and ancestry, search histories and past e-mails or texts, the chances of having our secrets revealed becomes greater in time. It really is good to ask yourself, “if I’m doing something I need to hide, is it really something I want to do, given the cost of the burden of carrying a secret?” I often hear the fantasy of people saying, “if only I could go back in time and been honest.” The choices we make in the present will have implications later on. If you have to hide something, maybe consult someone now about how to avoid creating a secret you’ll have to live with.
Research shows even good secrets, like a surprise party or a gift, can be equally stressful! Your brain treats the concealment as a cognitive burden just like it is to withhold any other information. You have to make excuses, worry about revealing it, and anticipate how it might be found out. It can lead to suspicious and uncharacteristic behavior that creates stress in a relationship. So, my dear husband, for your own good, since my birthday is only a month away now…unburden yourself!