Because you’re reading my blog, I have a special offer for you.  If I told you I’ve got an easy way to feel happier, improve your well being, that’s less effort than exercising, takes less time than eating healthy, and is really simple to add into your schedule, would you be interested in hearing about it?  Would you try it? Ok, then, here it is, simply put…chat up someone.  Even for just a minute or two.  It can be anyone – a stranger, a clerk at the grocery store, or someone at the dog park.  A series of studies is proving the positive benefits of these small encounters, the kind that have slipped away as we all tend to look at our phones as we go about our lives.  In today’s post I’ll share some common barriers to making these connections and some tips on how to start taking advantage of them.  

Established research on the power of social connections has long proven that social ties are powerful predictors of well being.  But this research focused on close relationships, with family and friends, referred to as strong-ties.  A more recent body of research on more casual, even fleeting interactions, known as weak-ties, is consistently showing links between brief everyday social interactions and reports of greater happiness. In his book, A Little More Social:  How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health and Connection,  Nicholas Epley shares  research showing that we consistently underestimate the benefits of connecting with others, which leads us to reach out less often than we should.  The less we do it, the more daunting it feels and the more hesitant we become.  Epley encourages us that “practicing to become a little more social is a surprisingly positive experience.  Even for an Introvert!”

Epley lists several assumptions we can challenge that get in the way of our social efforts.  One is an exaggerated sense of uncertainty as to how people will respond.  While we imagine it being awkward or being rejected, the truth is that humans are primed for reciprocity.  If we’re warm and interested, people will likely respond in the same way.  If we treat someone like a bother and ignore them, they will likely ignore us right back.  His research showed that over and over the response people received when reaching out was much less uncomfortable than they feared and more pleasant than they expected.  Another barrier is our critical thoughts about our own competence in making conversation.  The truth is, however, that other people are much less critical of our effort than we think.  Rather than evaluating what we say, others tend to be focused on our warmth and our interest in them.  The more we convince ourselves that it’s better to text someone or email, the less we get experience in engaging with other people, especially when hearing someone’s voice can really enhance people’s connection.  In a series of studies, Epley found that people who used voice based communication (phone and video) felt more connection with both friends and strangers, despite their expectation to the contrary.  The expectations lead people to avoid voice based communication and to miss out on the potential positive experience.

Ok, so are you ready to try it?  Does the idea bring up discomfort?  Start slow and build your confidence.  The easiest way to begin is simply by saying hello and smiling at someone.  Just by doing so, you create an openness to connection.  Making eye contact can be an invitation that you’re safe and willing to engage.  You can comment on the situation you find yourself sharing, such as the line at the store, or give someone a brief compliment, such as commending them for remembering to bring in bags at the grocery store.  Then follow it up with a simple question if you want to keep the conversation going.  Try to use a follow up to your first statement so it feels like a deepening of the conversation rather than an interview.  You might even self-disclose to make it mutual, such as asking them if they have a tip to help you remember your bags from your car, as you’d like to be better at it.

Ok, now are you ready to try it?  It doesn’t take a change in your personality to gain the well being in making these weak-tie connections.  Start by being a little more aware of easy opportunities to engage.  Leave your cell phone or earbuds out of reach and pay a little more attention to the people around you.  Experiment with how and when you engage with people and you’ll most likely notice the positive feelings that can come from not only seeing, but experiencing the world as a friendlier and more connected place.

I think back to the recent happy vibes all across New York City after the Knicks won the championship.  People described how the city seemed so friendly as everyone smiled and nodded when seeing another person in a Knicks jersey or t-shirt.  People opened up to share  about their favorite player or most nerve wracking moment or their excitement.  The Knicks became the ice breaker of all ice breakers.  It was considered  to be a magical time of community. So, now, from that experience, we can be inspired to make our own magic. Because, Lord knows, we don’t want to wait 53 years to have that joy again!

In my post a few weeks back I shared about the benefits of avoiding All or Nothing thinking.  “All or Something” allows us to be more flexible, less judgmental, and to actually stay on track for the long term.  Today, I offer another tool designed with a similar theme in mind.  An “Away/Towards List” is a way of thinking that can be used to make daily choices that we feel good about, both for the short term and the long term.  It helps us to avoid rigidity and to use our desired values rather than harsh judgment as motivators. 

The “Away/Towards” framework involves reflecting on our behaviors and characterizing them as either moving us toward something we value or moving us away from something painful or uncomfortable.  Instead of judging our actions as either “good” or “bad,” or “healthy” versus “not healthy,” this framework asks us to think about our behaviors in context – what is this behavior doing for us at the time we engage in it?  Is it moving me toward something I value or away from an uncomfortable internal experience?  Through this lens, we can get insight into the reasons for our behavior and offer ourselves some alternatives if needed.

A “toward” move is any action that brings us closer to our value, or something that matters to us.  These actions can be enjoyable, but they can also be effortful, uncomfortable, or imperfect.  Examples might be asking for a raise if we value financial stability, checking our blood pressure in order to support our health values, or putting down our phone when we begin doom scrolling to support our emotional health values.   An “away” move is usually about getting away from discomfort.  It offers a type of self protection or way to find relief.  But over time, it can pull us away from things we care about.  Away moves are often effective in the short term, but costly in the long run. Especially when we use them as primary coping, away moves distort or fend off feelings that can store up or come out in ways that interfere with living our desired values.  Canceling a health appointment because you’re anxious is an example of an away move, as is playing video games instead of calling to inquire about a job you’d like to apply for.  Both feel better in the now, but will move you away from your values of good health and fulfilling employment over time.

Ok, so you might be asking, how is categorizing actions into “toward” or “away” getting us away from binary thinking?  It’s all about awareness.  This framework invites naming what is happening without judgment and considering its context.  Noticing an away move doesn’t mean you automatically stop it or forbid it, it’s more about creating space and offering some compassion for what’s happening that is leading to the avoidance.  It encourages curiosity and emotionally aware thinking.  The categories of “away” and “toward” are less about the actions than about the movement (toward or away) and how these behaviors accumulate to impact and shape our lives over time.  It’s more like vector analysis, looking at the directions of forces in our lives to calculate where we end up.

Ok, so what if a behavior moves us toward some values and away from other desired values?  Life is complicated and full of conflicting values.  The “towards” and “away” framework can help us see how our conflicting values may be the source of what seems like “sabotaging” behavior.  Going out for pizza with friends may move us toward our values of community but away from our values of health in caring for our pre-diabetes. This is where awareness can be helpful and offer us ways to compromise and adapt.  When you’re faced with a choice, it helps to do a check in around whether your choice would move you toward, away, or a mix of both regarding your overall set of values. The Toward/Away Framework encourages us to be aware and mindful in our actions.  Most often there isn’t going to be a simple answer of one choice being the right thing to do for all values.  But by asking yourself to consider how your choices will impact them, you create a meta-awareness – a fuller sense of why you’re doing what you’re doing.  And with this awareness often comes a little more capacity to make intentional, values aligned choices. Even when things feel messy. This framework helps us get away from All or Nothing Thinking by understanding why behaviors make sense and approaching them with curiosity, compassion and intention.  We may notice that we’re engaging in an “away” move, but understand that it’s in response to feeling afraid and needing relief.  We can better appreciate our struggle in that moment and remind ourselves that we have choices in how to address it.

So, I can tell you that I was feeling a bit confused about how to end this post. Completing it is a value for me.  The confusion and frustration of writing out and deleting a few options was uncomfortable, however.  I chose to go check on my mini donkeys as a way of moving away from the discomfort of not knowing how to finish it.  But I did move toward the value of connecting with my animal friends.  They indeed distracted me and it was nice to brush them and pick some prickers from their coats.  And, as you’re reading, I am finishing this post.  It all worked out just fine.  So, actually, I’m now thinking of using the comfort of my minis to avoid the discomfort of finishing our taxes later today.  Something I’ve moved away from quite  frequently.  But at least I’m aware and better understand why our accountant has emailed us again.