I recently finished the book by Elizabeth Strout titled The Things We Never Say.  I really enjoy her work as she writes from within her character’s minds, revealing their inner thoughts and the complex motivations that drive them. In this recent book, as the title says, she focuses on what people don’t share with one another. There are the small ways in which we inadvertently keep things to ourselves and then there are the bigger ways in which we consciously keep secrets.  As a psychologist who’s listened to people for many years, I was really touched by how the author demonstrates the disconnections that evolve not just from what we say to one another, but from what we don’t say.

The most obvious reason why we might not say something, even if it’s important to us, is the fear of conflict.  We worry it’ll cause an argument, hurt feelings, or we might say something we’ll regret. Knowing we want to say something unpleasant is stressful and can actually cause a protective “freeze response.”  We’ll prepare to have the conversation and then when the time comes, we’re at a loss for words or simply can’t get started.  Many people have never learned healthy communication and, in fact, have witnessed either traumatic arguing or stoic silence as patterns in their households.  In this case, we keep things to ourselves as a protective measure, either protecting us, the other person, or the relationship.

But what about saying things that are not conflictual, even positive?  For some people, saying even nice things can be hard.  We tend to avoid these statements out of fear of being awkward.  We imagine we’ll seem clumsy, patronizing, or fake when we try to praise someone.  We even worry it might make the other person uncomfortable.  Some people even worry that it will create too much closeness if they praise or share how they feel.  This is especially true for people who have issues with intimacy and fear rejection.

Sometimes we actually use silence as a way of controlling a situation or asserting our power.  In unhealthy relationships or leadership, people may intentionally withhold praise as a way of keeping the other person insecure and seeking validation.  Unhappy people tend to refuse to share nice things out of bitterness toward another person’s success or happiness.  Some people feel too vulnerable sharing their thoughts and feelings.  If knowledge is power, then keeping it to ourselves helps us feel more in control.  If you don’t know how I feel about something, it can feel safer than having you reject me for whatever difference we may have.

As Ms. Stout so eloquently shows in her novel, the result of her characters not sharing with one another is a growing sense of distance and isolation from one another.  And the less they share, the harder it becomes to do so.  This feels safer in the moment, but over time, if we can’t share what we worry about, are happy about, or are fearful of, we become more and more alone.  Not sharing deprives us of the ability to be supported, validated, and accepted. To have our ideas taken seriously or even challenged.  We also rob the other person of the chance to know us and feel closer to us.  I can’t tell you how often in therapy with couples I see how just sharing a few vulnerable feelings goes a long way to building trust.  Because of prolonged conflict, neither feels safe or willing to offer intimate thoughts.  Even if it’s awkward or doesn’t come out just right, offering a nice comment can be so affirming, even if it’s just recognizing the other person’s good intentions when things are hard.  Research shows that feeling seen is such an important part of contentment in a relationship. Creating an atmosphere of safety involves taking risks in sharing and also being supportive when someone else takes a risk.

When I work with interns who are learning to be therapists, they often complain and become frustrated, accusing a client of lying to them or not telling the whole truth.  I encourage them to take a step back and to consider why someone would lie to their therapist, who they are paying to help them!  The answer is usually something related to not being able to face whatever they’re hiding.  Whether they’re in denial, fear their own self judgements, or are not ready to own a truth, the omission of information is usually about keeping it from themselves rather than from the therapist.  Because once it’s said, it’s real.  Often, we therapists are listening for what is not being said: She talks about sadness, but never anger, he talks about all that he’s achieved and is proud of, but never about his mistakes.  One of my jobs as an effective therapist is to notice what is not being said and pave the way for it to become safe to say.  Initially, I might start by asking, “I know you’re really mad about this, but is there a small part of you that’s also a bit sad?”  The work of the therapy is frequently to help someone say to themselves what is scary to say.

In reality, most people regret what they didn’t say even more than what they’ve said.  Especially when it’s too late, such as a sudden loss or ending.  Perhaps because I had a significant loss fairly early in my life, I’m pretty intent on making sure people know what I feel by writing it down or saying it (some may say a bit too much).  But it feels so good to let people know the love and respect you have for them.  And it makes people feel at ease when they know where you stand.  Not sharing creates a vacuum that the other person may fill with inaccurate ideas from their own insecurities. 

So rather than thinking of your thoughts or feelings as a burden you don’t want to share, try to think of them as gifts to give.  And if you can’t say it, try writing it, singing it, or leaving it in a voicemail. Sharing your intimate thoughts can really show someone caring and make their day.  And as far as gifts go, you get a lot of bang for your buck. You can make someone feel special without it costing you a penny!