In my last post I wrote about the emotional distance we create by holding back from sharing what we really think and feel. This week, I want to take it a step further to look at the times when we purposely don’t share information and keep secrets.  Research shows holding secrets is more common than we think, but the cost may also be more than we know.

Research shows that on average people have about 13 secrets at any one time, five of which they’ve never told another person (wow).  This comes from secret researcher Michael Slepian, PhD, who ironically is a professor of ethics at Columbia University Business School.  The most common themes of secrets tend to be having told a lie that you don’t want to be known, having romantic interest in another person while in a relationship, and things related to money.  These seem kind of obvious in that they relate to what we often feel are taboo subjects.  So how is having a secret different from just being private?  According to the research, a secret is defined as not just when someone doesn’t know something about you, but when you intend for them not to learn this information.

Keeping a secret is a lot of work.  It requires constant vigilance around how it might be found out and what might happen if it does.  Research on the effects of keeping secrets points to the isolation that happens when you have a secret.  It prevents people from acting naturally and sharing freely.  Studies show that secrets cause a distraction that leads to a preoccupation and a decreased feeling of authenticity and lowered self esteem and life satisfaction. Keeping a secret is shown to cause mental exhaustion as we become preoccupied and ruminate about it.  It can make you feel isolated, guilty and carry a sense of shame.  Other people can most likely tell when we’re holding a secret, as our behavior changes.  We become nervous, give superficial explanations, and shift topics.  This creates tension and distrust.  Secrets create a distance from you and other people. It erodes trust and authenticity that’s important for intimacy.

Research and common sense indicate that the best relief from the burden of carrying a secret is to disclose it.  However, the benefits of disclosing largely depend on who you tell, how you tell them, and why you tell them.  Research on confiding secrets indicates that disclosure tends to significantly reduce rumination, the repetitive thought loops in thinking about the secret and its implications.  Intrusive thoughts tend to lose their power when you don’t have to hold them alone.  Sharing your secret also has the benefit of allowing you to get support.  Sharing can increase intimacy and is often more positive than the secret holder may fear.  It can be very powerful when disclosure leads to acceptance rather than rejection. 

The readiness you feel in disclosing a secret is important.  Disclosure works best when you’ve processed the secret enough to talk about it coherently and have a clear purpose for your disclosure.  Telling someone a secret just to unload it and ease your own mind can be burdensome to the other person.  Sharing to genuinely connect, to be known, and be understood tends to produce more lasting benefits for your well being.

And of course, the type of secret matters a lot in terms of who you should tell and how.  When it’s a workplace secret, there may be professional legalities and boundaries.  When it’s a relationship secret, it may be hurtful to the person you care about, and when it’s a family secret, it can create many layers of complexities. Some secrets may need to stay secret, as they may harm someone you love, violate professional boundaries, or put you at risk in some way.  Sometimes the person you want to share with is no longer living or available, or the relationship may not be able to bear the weight of the truth at the time.  But this doesn’t mean you can’t disclose it to someone!  Finding a therapist, a relative, or trusted friends or clergy can be a way to unburden yourself of a secret in a way that allows you to process it and address the need for healing.

But the very best way to be free of the burden of secrets is to not create them in the first place.  Sometimes we get in the habit of keeping secrets as a coping tool or a way of avoiding something we actually need to deal with.  Notice your urge to deceive and ask yourself about it.  How can you better respond in a way that doesn’t involve deception?  Learning to embrace your own integrity takes life experience and maturity.  We tend to learn the hard way what the effects of not telling the truth can be in the long run.  Secrets have a way of compounding and causing deep regret at some point in the future. 

Some secrets are cast upon us, however, not of our own doing.  The burden of what to do with it is also heavy.  It’s troubling to be the holder/decider of who knows something that someone else has no control over knowing.  In these cases, it can really help to confide in someone and have help in determining the best course of action.  The decision to disclose depends on several factors, including if keeping the secret is causing significant distress, if disclosure could prevent harm to yourself or others, the potential consequences of sharing versus not sharing, and the other party’s capacity to handle the information.  

As technological advances reveal more and more truths, such as genetics and ancestry, search histories and past e-mails or texts, the chances of having our secrets revealed becomes greater in time.  It really is good to ask yourself, “if I’m doing something I need to hide, is it really something I want to do, given the cost of the burden of carrying a secret?”  I often hear the fantasy of people saying, “if only I could go back in time and been honest.”  The choices we make in the present will have implications later on.  If you have to hide something, maybe consult someone now about how to avoid creating a secret you’ll have to live with.  

Research shows even good secrets, like a surprise party or a gift, can be equally stressful!  Your brain treats the concealment as a cognitive burden just like it is to withhold any other information. You have to make excuses, worry about revealing it, and anticipate how it might be found out.  It can lead to suspicious and uncharacteristic behavior that creates stress in a relationship. So, my dear husband, for your own good, since my birthday is only a month away now…unburden yourself!

I recently finished the book by Elizabeth Strout titled The Things We Never Say.  I really enjoy her work as she writes from within her character’s minds, revealing their inner thoughts and the complex motivations that drive them. In this recent book, as the title says, she focuses on what people don’t share with one another. There are the small ways in which we inadvertently keep things to ourselves and then there are the bigger ways in which we consciously keep secrets.  As a psychologist who’s listened to people for many years, I was really touched by how the author demonstrates the disconnections that evolve not just from what we say to one another, but from what we don’t say.

The most obvious reason why we might not say something, even if it’s important to us, is the fear of conflict.  We worry it’ll cause an argument, hurt feelings, or we might say something we’ll regret. Knowing we want to say something unpleasant is stressful and can actually cause a protective “freeze response.”  We’ll prepare to have the conversation and then when the time comes, we’re at a loss for words or simply can’t get started.  Many people have never learned healthy communication and, in fact, have witnessed either traumatic arguing or stoic silence as patterns in their households.  In this case, we keep things to ourselves as a protective measure, either protecting us, the other person, or the relationship.

But what about saying things that are not conflictual, even positive?  For some people, saying even nice things can be hard.  We tend to avoid these statements out of fear of being awkward.  We imagine we’ll seem clumsy, patronizing, or fake when we try to praise someone.  We even worry it might make the other person uncomfortable.  Some people even worry that it will create too much closeness if they praise or share how they feel.  This is especially true for people who have issues with intimacy and fear rejection.

Sometimes we actually use silence as a way of controlling a situation or asserting our power.  In unhealthy relationships or leadership, people may intentionally withhold praise as a way of keeping the other person insecure and seeking validation.  Unhappy people tend to refuse to share nice things out of bitterness toward another person’s success or happiness.  Some people feel too vulnerable sharing their thoughts and feelings.  If knowledge is power, then keeping it to ourselves helps us feel more in control.  If you don’t know how I feel about something, it can feel safer than having you reject me for whatever difference we may have.

As Ms. Stout so eloquently shows in her novel, the result of her characters not sharing with one another is a growing sense of distance and isolation from one another.  And the less they share, the harder it becomes to do so.  This feels safer in the moment, but over time, if we can’t share what we worry about, are happy about, or are fearful of, we become more and more alone.  Not sharing deprives us of the ability to be supported, validated, and accepted. To have our ideas taken seriously or even challenged.  We also rob the other person of the chance to know us and feel closer to us.  I can’t tell you how often in therapy with couples I see how just sharing a few vulnerable feelings goes a long way to building trust.  Because of prolonged conflict, neither feels safe or willing to offer intimate thoughts.  Even if it’s awkward or doesn’t come out just right, offering a nice comment can be so affirming, even if it’s just recognizing the other person’s good intentions when things are hard.  Research shows that feeling seen is such an important part of contentment in a relationship. Creating an atmosphere of safety involves taking risks in sharing and also being supportive when someone else takes a risk.

When I work with interns who are learning to be therapists, they often complain and become frustrated, accusing a client of lying to them or not telling the whole truth.  I encourage them to take a step back and to consider why someone would lie to their therapist, who they are paying to help them!  The answer is usually something related to not being able to face whatever they’re hiding.  Whether they’re in denial, fear their own self judgements, or are not ready to own a truth, the omission of information is usually about keeping it from themselves rather than from the therapist.  Because once it’s said, it’s real.  Often, we therapists are listening for what is not being said: She talks about sadness, but never anger, he talks about all that he’s achieved and is proud of, but never about his mistakes.  One of my jobs as an effective therapist is to notice what is not being said and pave the way for it to become safe to say.  Initially, I might start by asking, “I know you’re really mad about this, but is there a small part of you that’s also a bit sad?”  The work of the therapy is frequently to help someone say to themselves what is scary to say.

In reality, most people regret what they didn’t say even more than what they’ve said.  Especially when it’s too late, such as a sudden loss or ending.  Perhaps because I had a significant loss fairly early in my life, I’m pretty intent on making sure people know what I feel by writing it down or saying it (some may say a bit too much).  But it feels so good to let people know the love and respect you have for them.  And it makes people feel at ease when they know where you stand.  Not sharing creates a vacuum that the other person may fill with inaccurate ideas from their own insecurities. 

So rather than thinking of your thoughts or feelings as a burden you don’t want to share, try to think of them as gifts to give.  And if you can’t say it, try writing it, singing it, or leaving it in a voicemail. Sharing your intimate thoughts can really show someone caring and make their day.  And as far as gifts go, you get a lot of bang for your buck. You can make someone feel special without it costing you a penny!