Because you’re reading my blog, I have a special offer for you.  If I told you I’ve got an easy way to feel happier, improve your well being, that’s less effort than exercising, takes less time than eating healthy, and is really simple to add into your schedule, would you be interested in hearing about it?  Would you try it? Ok, then, here it is, simply put…chat up someone.  Even for just a minute or two.  It can be anyone – a stranger, a clerk at the grocery store, or someone at the dog park.  A series of studies is proving the positive benefits of these small encounters, the kind that have slipped away as we all tend to look at our phones as we go about our lives.  In today’s post I’ll share some common barriers to making these connections and some tips on how to start taking advantage of them.  

Established research on the power of social connections has long proven that social ties are powerful predictors of well being.  But this research focused on close relationships, with family and friends, referred to as strong-ties.  A more recent body of research on more casual, even fleeting interactions, known as weak-ties, is consistently showing links between brief everyday social interactions and reports of greater happiness. In his book, A Little More Social:  How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health and Connection,  Nicholas Epley shares  research showing that we consistently underestimate the benefits of connecting with others, which leads us to reach out less often than we should.  The less we do it, the more daunting it feels and the more hesitant we become.  Epley encourages us that “practicing to become a little more social is a surprisingly positive experience.  Even for an Introvert!”

Epley lists several assumptions we can challenge that get in the way of our social efforts.  One is an exaggerated sense of uncertainty as to how people will respond.  While we imagine it being awkward or being rejected, the truth is that humans are primed for reciprocity.  If we’re warm and interested, people will likely respond in the same way.  If we treat someone like a bother and ignore them, they will likely ignore us right back.  His research showed that over and over the response people received when reaching out was much less uncomfortable than they feared and more pleasant than they expected.  Another barrier is our critical thoughts about our own competence in making conversation.  The truth is, however, that other people are much less critical of our effort than we think.  Rather than evaluating what we say, others tend to be focused on our warmth and our interest in them.  The more we convince ourselves that it’s better to text someone or email, the less we get experience in engaging with other people, especially when hearing someone’s voice can really enhance people’s connection.  In a series of studies, Epley found that people who used voice based communication (phone and video) felt more connection with both friends and strangers, despite their expectation to the contrary.  The expectations lead people to avoid voice based communication and to miss out on the potential positive experience.

Ok, so are you ready to try it?  Does the idea bring up discomfort?  Start slow and build your confidence.  The easiest way to begin is simply by saying hello and smiling at someone.  Just by doing so, you create an openness to connection.  Making eye contact can be an invitation that you’re safe and willing to engage.  You can comment on the situation you find yourself sharing, such as the line at the store, or give someone a brief compliment, such as commending them for remembering to bring in bags at the grocery store.  Then follow it up with a simple question if you want to keep the conversation going.  Try to use a follow up to your first statement so it feels like a deepening of the conversation rather than an interview.  You might even self-disclose to make it mutual, such as asking them if they have a tip to help you remember your bags from your car, as you’d like to be better at it.

Ok, now are you ready to try it?  It doesn’t take a change in your personality to gain the well being in making these weak-tie connections.  Start by being a little more aware of easy opportunities to engage.  Leave your cell phone or earbuds out of reach and pay a little more attention to the people around you.  Experiment with how and when you engage with people and you’ll most likely notice the positive feelings that can come from not only seeing, but experiencing the world as a friendlier and more connected place.

I think back to the recent happy vibes all across New York City after the Knicks won the championship.  People described how the city seemed so friendly as everyone smiled and nodded when seeing another person in a Knicks jersey or t-shirt.  People opened up to share  about their favorite player or most nerve wracking moment or their excitement.  The Knicks became the ice breaker of all ice breakers.  It was considered  to be a magical time of community. So, now, from that experience, we can be inspired to make our own magic. Because, Lord knows, we don’t want to wait 53 years to have that joy again!