Now that I’ve covered how to start a hard conversation and how to deepen a conversation, it might be good to prepare for being on the RECEIVING end of a conversation. This can be even more important in terms of the impact we have on our relationships and how we navigate through hard times. While we can’t control what or how other people talk to us, we can be in control of how we respond. Here are some tips on being a good listener, even for words that aren’t easy to hear!
Nothing can be more terrifying than someone saying, “Can I talk to you?,” with a serious look on their face. Our minds race through a million scenarios of what we’ve done wrong, what we’ll be accused of, and how to defend ourselves. By the time we start the conversation we’re ready to fight. So, the first step to the conversation can be the most important. Prepare. This means calming yourself down, resisting the urge to guess what’s coming, and reminding yourself the goal of conversation is not to win, but to understand one another. Another way to prepare is to consider when a good time for you is or will be to have a productive talk. You can ask for a time that’s more convenient for you and helps you to not be reactive. It’s also ok to ask for a sentence or two about the topic, so your mind can be more focused. My guilty conscience is always relieved when I think someone is mad at me, and what they want to talk about is their dinner plan guest list.
Once the conversation begins, do your best to listen. It’s tempting to jump in and talk over the person, which only frustrates them and may cause them to ramp up even more. Do your best to pay attention rather than planning your response. It also helps to ask clarifying questions to better understand where the person is coming from and watch your own body language. Crossing your arms or scowling, or goodness, please no, rolling your eyes, can really bring a conversation to a lower level. Remind yourself that a conversation is a process and fact gathering is step one. If you find things getting too heated, it’s ok to set limits. You can ask to take a break for a bit so that one or both of you can calm down. It’s okay to set boundaries around how you’re spoken to, for example, you don’t have to be receptive to name calling. “It’s hard for me to hear you when I feel personally attacked.”
The most important thing in being a good receiver is to stay with your humanity. Having empathy and showing the other person you are interested in understanding their position goes a very long way. Nothing backs someone into a corner more than you denying what they are telling you is their experience. You may not agree with them, but start by showing them that you have heard and can empathize with how they might feel. I can’t tell you the number of situations that have gone from a level 10 intensity to lower than 5, just by having the other person feel heard and seen. If they feel your respect and understanding, they can work through a connection WITH you rather than by challenging AGAINST you. You can even say, “I don’t remember it that way, but I can see how that would bother you.”
It helps also to remind yourself that when people are upset, their behavior may be a result of a fight/flight response. Their rude behavior may actually be a way to cope with their own fear. Again, trying to put yourself in their shoes can be soothing. When we can stay centered, not take things personally, it can help us find common ground. Finding things you agree on is a good place to start. Maybe that’s both wanting to feel more comfortable, or both wanting a problem to be solved. Aligning your goals and clarifying what a positive outcome might look like can reset you as allies rather than combatants. It’s also good to clarify a next step to address the issue, even if that’s a check in at some point in the future. And it’s okay to ask for a follow up conversation after you’ve had a chance to think about what was said and reflect on it. You might even thank the other person for taking the risk to share something with you, even if it was difficult.
Hard conversations can create intimacy and trust if handled well. I often find that a good measure of a relationship is how the people handle difficult conversations, not the fact that they have them. Conversations are manifestations of being in relationship. Every meaningful relationship will have differences or conflict. And not every hard conversation can or will go smoothly. Sometimes we overreact or let our feelings get the best of us. We’re not expected to be perfect or unflinching when we’re hurting. But staying open and accountable is how we get back in connection and show our love. Remembering that the other person is taking a risk on behalf of the relationship can help reframe it as a positive. At least in the long run? (Hold that eye roll, please!)