I completely embarrassed myself in yoga today.  I actually fell over and the sound of me hitting the floor in the quiet space of class turned everyone’s heads.  But in just this humbling way, yoga is perfect for me. Letting go of my usual success oriented expectation is stretching my mind even more than the poses are stretching my body.  Allowing myself to be so bad, and doing it anyway, is actually proving to be so good for me.

I’ve tried to do yoga before, but my inadequacy was such a barrier, I always quit.  But this past year with some hip pain and some tight muscle issues, several people convinced me how beneficial it would be if I stayed with it.  So  this New Years, I vowed to give it a fair try (thanks, Rosa, for the new mat), knowing I would have to change my attitude .  I had to focus more on the process of it rather than the outcome.  I had to let go of my ego and, as Nike says, just do it.  And what I’m finding is that it’s actually really enjoyable to not expect anything other than an authentic effort. In mindfulness, as taught in Zen meditation practice, this state of being is called the beginner mind, being able to be in the moment and enjoy an experience without expectation.

A beginner’s mind involves our curiosity and wonder.  We see an experience with fresh eyes, without preconceived notions or predictions of how things should or will be.  Without expectation we can’t be frustrated or disappointed in how it did not live up to what we thought “should” be. A beginner’s mind frees us up to let things unfold as they do.  

And why is this good for me?  For one thing it ‘s nice to let go of self judgment.  I can try something and make a mistake, fall on my face, so to speak (and actually) without self criticism.  I am finding that I take more risks and enjoy myself more if my inner critic is put to bed for a while.  It also helps me be more patient with other people.  It allows me to let go of my expectations of someone else and work to see them in a new light or to be more open to their point of view or good intentions.  I also find adopting a beginner’s mind helps me to be less anxious about facing challenges.  Instead of worrying about what will happen, or projecting difficulty or failure, I can stay open to taking a first step and engaging in the task as something to learn from rather than something to get wrong.  In general, a beginner’s mindset allows me to let go of my strong need for control and to view challenge as a process to engage in rather than a reflection of something being wrong.

As you can imagine, while this sounds so pleasant, it isn’t easy.  It takes effort to evoke a beginners mindset.  Some tips from the Masters include first becoming aware of your expectations and pre-conceived ideas.  Then, allowing yourself to let them go, or at least put them aside.  Engage your curiosity and try to approach the activity with how a child would approach it.  Notice any “shoulds” that come up or feelings of shame.  Letting go of ego is a big challenge, but also a big relief.  Use your senses to help avoid your thoughts.  How does your experience feel in your body? What colors emerge or sensations do you notice around you? Engage as if you’re doing something for the very first time and awaken to each step of the process, even when doing something familiar.

It’s advised to build this ability by starting with simple things.  Eat your breakfast with a beginner’s mind, noticing every sensation of your utensils, food textures, colors, and tastes.  Or take out the garbage with a beginner’s mind, noticing the smell and the weight of the bag and your steps to the trash bin in the backyard.  By letting go of our “automatic pilot” mode or our “evaluation of success” mode, we can be present and bring to life whatever experience we are doing in a transformative way.

While there are plenty of times I need to be the expert and perform with a wise and intentional outcome in mind, it’s good to balance with some way or outlet in which to be a beginner in spirit.  I find that while I’m still not very good at yoga, I’m still going because it makes me feel good.  I would be robbed of this if I let my performance dictate my participation.  And thank goodness, the teacher doesn’t either.  No one has ever kicked me out of class or refused my entry, although they have checked in a few times to make sure I didn’t hurt myself!

Tomorrow there will be millions of people looking up to the heavens for an astronomical event so rare and unusual it won’t happen again in the contiguous United States until August of 2044.  The planets literally have to align in just the right way.  The shadow of the moon will move along a path across Mexico, the United States, and Canada.  For those lucky enough to be in the path of totality, where the moon completely blocks the sun, they will experience moments of darkness during daytime.  As this happens a collective sense of awe will also follow along this path, bringing a unique experience that some will describe as life changing.

While we feel confident that our science has fully explained the phenomena of a solar eclipse, we are now also studying the effect that this experience has on the people who witness it.  Kate Russo, a psychologist who herself has witnessed 13 eclipses, has interviewed eclipse viewers from around the world.  She notes a similar emotional response in most all of the people.  They begin with a sense of wrongness and primal fear as totality approaches when their surroundings change so rapidly.  Then as it starts, people describe a powerful awe and connection to the world around them.  A sense of euphoria develops as they continue watching, ending with a strong desire to seek out the next eclipse to feel it all over again.

Sean Goldy, at John Hopkins University, posits that an eclipse makes us think outside our normal sense of self, attuning to what’s around us.  This not only includes a connection to the physical universe, but also to the people around us.  A total solar eclipse seems to create connection, unity, and caring among the people watching.  Goldy and his fellow researchers analyzed Twitter data from nearly 2.9 million people during the 2017 total solar eclipse.  They found that people within the path of totality were more likely to use not only language that expressed awe but also language that expressed being unified and affiliated with others.  This included using more “we” words (instead of me) and more “humble” words, such as “maybe” instead of “always.”  Goldy notes the stronger the sense of awe expressed, the more likely they were to use a “we” word.  He notes, “During an eclipse, people have a broader, more collective focus.”

The scale of our “big picture” often changes during an eclipse experience.  When you zoom out – really zoom out – it shrinks away our differences.   Goldy writes, “when you sit in the shadow of a celestial rock blocking the light of a star 400 times its size that burns at 10,000 degrees on its surface, suddenly that argument with your partner or bill on the counter or even the differences among people’s beliefs, origins, or politics feel insignificant.”  Anthony Aven, author of In the Shadow of the Moon, has studied this same reaction throughout human history.  When the sun becomes a black hole in the sky, any differences with our fellow humans can feel trivial.  We are all so tiny compared to the vast occurrence happening around us.  

There is something magical about a shared experience.  Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist, referred to this as “collective effervescence” more than 100 years ago.  Author Adam Grant describes it as the feeling of energy and harmony, a Joi de Vivre, felt when people are engaging in something with one another.  As emotions are contagious, we amplify one another’s sense of awe and inspiration when we witness an eclipse together.

I think we’ve all been robbed during Covid of so many opportunities for collective effervescence.  We were forced to isolate and view one another as potential sources of disease rather than as a collected group with shared experiences.  Perhaps that’s why we’re more divided and quicker to judge and criticize?  Perhaps we need a day of Awe and Collective Attunement.  I propose a National Holiday to join together to witness the eclipse.  Free travel and hotel rooms, stadiums for viewing, and bands to dance to all together.  No Left vs Right, Dem vs Rep, Donkey vs Elephant.  Tomorrow we all are just tiny little beings sitting on a rock flying through the solar system together.  (But don’t forget your solar eclipse glasses, please…). Fingers and toes crossed for clear skies!!

Most of us are generally aware that our stomach is very sensitive to our moods and our stress.  We refer to having “butterflies in our stomach” or having a “gut feeling.”  Or when things are really bad, we describe them as “gut wrenching.”  But the extent to which the gastrointestinal system is communicating with our brain is, in fact, really astounding.  Understanding this link a little better may help us to better attune to the connection of our mental health and our physical health.

Our brains communicate with our body through various nerve systems, motor nerves for muscle movements to walk and talk, or sensory nerves to feel things like hot and cold.  But to my surprise I recently learned that more information passes between your brain and your gut than any other body system.  There are more nerve cells in your gut, in fact, than anywhere else in your body other than your brain!  Your brain and your gut are constantly communicating back and forth about everything to do with both your physical and emotional well being. 

Practically speaking, it makes sense that these two systems are so interrelated.  Our survival has always depended on getting enough nutrients and avoiding eating the wrong things that could make us sick.  An alarm system has evolved between the brain and the gut.  When you are in danger or when you are vulnerable, our emotions are signaled and our digestion is affected.  A sensitive feedback loop exists between your gastrointestinal system and your endocrine (hormonal) system and immune system  Research suggests that communication crosstalk between your brain and your gut can influence hunger and satiety, metabolism, mood, behavior, stress levels, pain sensitivity, cognitive functions and immunity.  

The enteric nervous system is the neural network that works within your gastrointestinal tract.  It has more than 500 million neurons, the most complex system outside our brain.  It’s also unique in that it operates somewhat independently from our brain and central nervous system. It can gather information about the conditions inside your GI tract, process that information locally, and generate a response without sending it back to your brain! Bacteria that live in our gut are also part of this complex connection.  Gut microbes help produce many of the chemical neurotransmitters that are the pathway of communication between your gut and brain.  Recent studies are uncovering the link that microbiomes may have in neurological, mental health, and functional gastrointestinal disorders (disorders that have many symptoms without any obvious physical cause, such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  There is a considerable overlap between people who have mental health issues such as anxiety and people who have functional gastrointestinal disorders.  

As scientists come to understand the relationship between our gut health and our mental health they are experimenting with ways to treat these disorders through gut biomes.  There is early data that indicates having a healthier diversity of microbiota in your gut may help relieve neurological, psychological, inflammatory, and emotional stress symptoms.  The use of probiotics, antibiotics, and microbiota transplantation are promising areas of research for future treatments.  

Overall, research supports the importance of mind body therapy that soothes the mind as well as the gut.  Such therapies include relaxation therapy, biofeedback, mindfulness based therapy and stress management interventions and tools.  In addition, making sure you eat a healthy diet can make a difference for your mental health.  More diversity of whole foods, emphasizing plants, in your diet leads to a more diverse gut microbiome.  Whole foods contain more fiber that supports our gut lining.  Probiotics are the live bacteria in fermented foods like yogurt and sauerkraut.  Prebiotics are the complex starches that probiotics like to eat.  Antioxidants which occur naturally in a variety of fruits and vegetables help to prevent inflammation and support good microbe functioning.   With all of this new data, researchers and medical professionals are now experimenting with a field of nutrition known as psychobiotics.  

It’s hopeful to think about a way to support our health that is natural and works with our own body’s systems.  With the power of the connections between the gut and the brain, it’s no wonder we have long been encouraged to trust our guts.  It certainly has an inside track to what we’re thinking and feeling.  Not only do we need to focus on our “wise minds” but also on our “wise guts” to lead us into healthier and more peaceful living.

Ok…happy Springing forward day!  (Did you remember to turn the clock?) If you’re like me, while I’m so glad it’ll be light later, that loss of an hour makes me grouchy!  And I feel a little wimpy at how it affects my sleep for days and makes me feel out of sorts for a while.  I tell myself, good Lord, it’s only an hour! What’s the big deal?  So it got me wondering, am I just being dramatic, or is this a thing?

Turns out, it is a thing!  Researchers say that the disruption in sleep pattern from pushing the clock forward causes grogginess, tiredness, and foul moods.  But even more alarming is that the clock change can actually have health consequences for many people.  Research from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) shows that the impacts from changing the clock include increased heart attacks and strokes.  It’s also associated with increased hospital admissions, elevated productions of inflammatory markers in response to stress, and increases in substance abuse.  There is an increase in the number of car accidents that occur after springing forward.  A 2020 study found that the risk of fatal car accidents increased by 6% following the clock change in March.

Having light later also can lead to issues with the balance of our circadian rhythms, our internal body clock.  Dr. Adam Spira, a sleep medical specialist explains that having light late into the evening makes it harder for us to fall asleep and can reduce the amount of sleep we get.  In addition, having less light in the morning can make it hard to get our bodies going.  Light exposure at daybreak has an alerting effect and kick starts our internal clock.  According to Spira, “we function best when our sleep-wake cycle follows the sun.”

Some groups are more affected by others it appears.  People who live in the Western edges of time zones (who get light later in the morning and evening) and people with little control over their schedules, such as shift workers who drive to work early in the morning, are more impacted.  Adolescents, who tend to need more sleep than adults, also display more adverse effects.  A 2015 study found that during school days after the time change, students were sleepier, had slower reaction times and were less attentive. In other words, best not to schedule your SAT test in March!

Ok, so now that we’ve established it is indeed a thing, how did it come to be?  Well, we can all blame Ben Franklin.  Apparently, old Ben came up with the idea in 1784, believing that rising earlier would economize candle usage and save people money.  The idea was formally adopted during World War I as part of a global effort to conserve energy, making greater use of daylight during the warmer months.  This idea has persisted, but a 2017 paper published by the International Association for Energy Economics actually argues that as society has evolved, lighting accounts for less energy consumption, and extending the use of daylight actually encourages people to use more air conditioning and heating, which has a bigger use of electricity in the long run.

While many sleep researchers advocate abolishing Daylight Savings Time altogether, there are things we can do to help our adjustment in the meantime.  Getting outside in the morning light is one way to help our body realign, as well as making sure we go to bed earlier for a few days to make up for the time lost in sleep.  And avoid having extra caffeine as a way to “perk” yourself up, as it can further disrupt your body’s natural balance.

So, if you’re yawning while you’re reading this, please remember it’s not my writing that’s making your eyes droop!  It’s that forced loss of precious sleep that’s to blame.  You, and 300 million other people are feeling a bit extra tired today.

An important distinction that we therapists continually train to identify is the difference between content and process in communication.  Content is the actual “what,” or the facts that we want to share.  Process is the “how” it is being communicated.  We, as intellectual people, often get caught up in content, missing key elements of what is happening between us in a relationship.  Even when we’re choosing our words carefully, how we’re saying them is often out of our awareness, creating a potential mixed message.  Being able to step back and look at the process of a conversation can be a powerful tool in making sure we’re aware of just what is being communicated to best understand its impact.

Remember all the times someone says something that seems nice, but in a tone that really says the opposite?  Or they say “I’m listening,” but seem not to be listening because they’re not making eye contact or worse yet, pick up their phone and glance at it while you’re speaking?  The words they’re saying are the content, but the how they are saying it is the process.  Often, misunderstandings or conflicts in relationships happen because of this multi layered nature of communication with hidden messages or ambivalences that can be frustrating and even hurtful.  

Process based understanding tends to get into the underlying deeper level of what someone is meaning, not just saying.  Noticing how someone is saying something or asking further about their feelings about something, rather than about the facts, is a way of making a deeper connection.  For example, if someone tells you that they baked a cake, one option is to stay with the content and ask them what flavor it was.  Another option is to note how happy they look and ask if they baked it for a special occasion? Or if they are passionate about baking?  Process is a way to understand not just what someone is telling you, but why they are telling it to you.  Interactions that stay in content tend to remain superficial over time.  Process gets to emotion, which is required for intimacy.

When we attend to process, we are given a powerful way to support our relationships.  Are we becoming defensive or is our partner?  Are we cutting them off and not letting them finish or are we listening fully?  Process observations can give us important clues about why we are feeling what we are in a conversation, which may not be in line with the content is of what is being said.  It helps us to steer a conversation away from what may be unproductive or even damaging.  For example, noticing when you are not able to really listen may give you the freedom to request a break from the conversation so that you can re engage when you’re in a better state of mind.  Or noticing that whenever you bring up a certain topic, it triggers a reaction that surprises you.  This can help you step back to see what may be going on underneath and address the real problem rather than the superficial one.  Noticing process gives us more information and opportunities to fix what is happening in our communication.

It’s often easier to pay attention to the process level of things after the fact, especially at first.  For example, if someone was getting defensive when you talked to them, looking back, you may figure out that what you were saying felt threatening to them in some way.  Maybe they felt ashamed after making a mistake, or inadequate, or their feelings were hurt.  Over time, you can learn to have an observing eye to your sense of process while it is happening.  This involves being connected to your feelings, body sensations, and your tone of voice.  Curiosity about the “why” something was said can lead to more empathy and compassion.  It also helps to notice when the process of communicating was comforting or built trust.  Active listening is a great example of process oriented communication.

Because of its connection to feelings and reactions, often requiring vulnerability, process has a way of making people feel closer and deepening interactions.  But as with most power tools, you need to use it wisely and safely.  Too much attention to process and people can feel they are being overanalyzed or second guessed.  Even Freud himself said that sometimes, “a cigar is just a cigar.”  Of course this related to his denial that his smoking was an addiction that needed to be analyzed, even after being diagnosed with mouth cancer.  Perhaps we can infer from his tone that he wasn’t ready to deal with it!

In moving to CA from the Northeast I noticed a difference in culture regarding conflict.  East Coasters let you know where they stand!  I actually miss that.  While I’m probably more comfortable with superficial pleasantness, there is something actually grounding about trusting that people will let me know how they really feel so I don’t have to worry about it.  While I’m comfortable with conflict in my work, because it’s all about other people, I’m inspired by people who seem to disagree with ease.  So to help those of us who avoid confrontation, I found a few articles with some helpful instructions on how to disagree agreeably.

First, let’s take a look at what’s so scary about confrontation.  Most commonly it’s based on a fear of how the other person will react that will be uncomfortable for you.  One fear is not being liked, another is a fear that you are incorrect, another is you’re afraid you won’t be able to articulate your point well enough and you’ll be misunderstood.  The key to overcoming these fears is to prepare yourself and to keep yourself calm.  Our bad experiences of trying to confront someone often involved a time when we were emotional and spoke before we were ready and were reactionary.  It also helps to focus on your intention instead of a particular outcome.

While we can’t control how other people will react, we can control how we approach them which  influences how they may react.  In order to do this we first have to give ourselves permission to speak up.  Instead of thinking of approaching someone as a negative confrontation, it helps to think of your effort as being assertive and sharing how you feel with a desire to attend to a relationship.  Think about what might be gained by expressing yourself.  Perhaps it’ll relieve your stress, help solve a problem, or make you feel respected.  Reconsider your assumptions about speaking up.  Confrontation can be healthy, build trust, and make you feel more confident and valued.  Having a voice helps build self esteem and research shows that handling conflict increases happiness and well being.

Disagreeing with someone effectively is a skill and like any skill can be learned with practice.  Start with someone you trust.  It helps a lot when you have psychological safety and know the person cares about you and how you feel.  Next, ease into the conversation.  Start by taking a deep breath to calm yourself and reduce your anxiety.  Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project encourages people to think of confrontation as “learning conversations.”  In other words, you are seeking an exchange of information and understanding.  Don’t assume you know the other person’s motivation or intention.  Focusing on the impact of an action can help to reduce someone being defensive.  Try to calmly share your concern with a focus on how the situation affected you.  An example might be, “Hey, you might not be aware but…”  It can help to share how their action made you feel, and then invite them to share their feelings.  For example, “the comment you made stung, can you explain what you meant” or “I was frustrated by that, what was it like for you?”  If you can create an atmosphere of sharing and trading perspectives, it aligns you both into a problem solving mode.  If you have a possible solution, offer it and then ask for feedback.

Of course, people won’t always be as open to engaging in this kind of dialogue as we would like.  It might be necessary to express yourself and your intent, and if met by hostility or further conflict, set a limit by disengaging.  Perhaps the other person isn’t receptive at that moment but they will likely have to think about what you’ve said.  Do your best to resist engaging in an escalation of blame or insults.  Protect yourself by a respectful retreat and an invitation to discuss it further when they are ready to be calm, if you feel it might be possible.

There are times when we need to confront someone in a more spontaneous way, however.  Luvvie Ajayi Jones, author of “The Professional Troublemaker,” suggests asking a question.  For example if someone blurts out something offensive, ask them to explain it further.  Chances are, she finds, the person will either double down on the remark or walk it back.  But asking a question shifts the focus to the person who is imposing on others, forcing them to take responsibility.

Be easy on yourself if things don’t go as planned.  Being good at disagreements is as much an art as a science.  The situation and people involved are varied and what works in one situation may not work in another.  But keep practicing.  The most important thing is to challenge the fear that something terrible will happen.  You can grow more confident and less fearful in time.  You might even find yourself enjoying the outcome and feeling good about being brave!  Noone likes to be a pushover.  And sometimes people prefer that you tell them what you think, rather than holding it in and brooding about it.  Take those East Coasters. No angst about hurt feelings or fear of rejection for them. They snap at you, yes, but then they’re over it!  And they expect you to be as well.  And for us overthinkers, that’s kind of refreshing, don’t you think?

Most January’s I have a bit of a spending hangover, with a strong need to get caught up.  This year, however, due to some unexpected expenses, I’m finding it a little more difficult and the stress is building up.  It’s an especially yucky kind of stress, that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed.  I hide my situation like a horrible secret.  When confronted by it, I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong for which I need to be punished.  What starts out as a joyful experience of spending on something pleasant transforms into an evil deed I feel guilty about.  As I know is true for most things, it helps when you know you’re not alone.  For a lot of us, our relationship with money is complicated.  And so as a support to myself and hopefully others, here are some things to think about if you find yourself in a money funk.

Generally, money isn’t polite to talk about in most societies, which creates a built in secrecy-silence.  And with that there’s a money judgment coming at us from all directions; personally, professionally, religiously, and culturally.  Everyone has ideas about how we should be spending our money.  We’re pressured to spend money in so many subtle ways, and many not so subtle.  We want to fit in with our social group, we want to be charitable, and we want to indulge a little bit now and then.  All of this is on top of the bills and things we have to pay, even if we prefer not to, like medical bills and insurance payments.  Money represents our values and puts them to the test.  I often want to please everyone, so I overspend rather than say no to someone or some organization.  It feels so good to be generous, even to ourselves! And our financial situation can quickly take a turn for the worse, with an unfortunate accident or unexpected happening.  While we think we’re in control, we can quickly find our debt is out of our hands.

If you’ve struggled with money in the past or didn’t have much money growing up, this can have a big impact on how you feel about money now.  The attitude your parents had about money can be internalized without you even realizing it.  And your partner may have very different experiences with money and a different attitude about saving and spending.  All of this can get mixed up together. 

Taking an inventory of your own feelings can be helpful in understanding yourself:

-Are there certain times when you are likely to spend more money?

-Are there certain times when you’re more likely to save?

-How do you feel when you spend money?

-Do you feel differently when you spend or save in different areas?

-What emotions emerge when you think about money?

-Which aspects of dealing with money are most stressful, such as opening bills, being misunderstood, having to justify your spending, or feeling deprived?

Like most things that bring us stress and shame, it tends to build on itself, and take on a life of its own.  The more shame we feel, the more we avoid dealing with it.  One important factor is to bring empathy to your situation.  Think of your money situation as a potential mistake, not a personal failure.  Showing yourself understanding is not about letting yourself off the hook but more about allowing yourself to be accountable.  Financial resilience is about acknowledging the factors that led to your stress and problem solving as best you can to realign your financial situation and learn from it.  When we’re emotional, we tend to have blind spots and become reactive.  Allowing yourself to talk things through with someone you trust is another way of reducing anxiety, gaining knowledge, and sharing information.

Some tips that might help:

-Be aware of your warning signs that might lead to overspending (a mood, situation, person) and have a plan for when you encounter these

-Don’t save your credit cards on apps or websites that make it easy to be impulsive

-Delay purchases, take a photo or write it down and see if you still want to spend your money in the same way later on

-Share your goal of saving with other people.  Instead of turning down a social invitation, see if you can change it to something more affordable.  Most people will not mind at all when they know your savings plan.

-Set some savings goals and track your spending toward reaching the goal.  See how your mood improves and your stress decreases when you begin to feel more in control of your finances.

While we associate money with status, it’s important to see it for what it is.  Money is a resource.  Having more of it allows you to do more and having less of it is restrictive.  Not having enough is stressful and getting more of it can feel liberating.  But money is not a measure of your worth or your happiness.  It’s not an indicator of how well you love or what your heart is capable of.  What most financial counselors advise is that the best way to relieve financial stress is to have a plan that step by step brings your spending under control.  And the best way to do this is to bring your situation out of darkness and allow yourself to address it as a problem to be solved and not as a failure to be ashamed of.  Ahhh, the old adage, tried and true can be applied:  Name it to tame it.  I spent more than was wise this last December, and so I’m balancing it out in the New Year.  And with any luck, I’ll be able to spend again by next December!

This past week was the 30th anniversary of my sister’s death.  I still can’t believe it when I say it, or as I write it.  Part of the shock is the fact that there are still days when it feels so raw, as if it just happened.  Other days I struggle to recall something about her I thought I’d never forget.  And when I envision her, she’s still 33, while I’m now near 60.  Grief is a complex experience, but one we all come to share at some point in our lives.  No two losses are quite the same, but the vulnerability and depth of the emotions offer a familiar connection when one mourner encounters another.  So in the spirit of connecting with others who are hurting, I’ve been reflecting  on a few of the things I’ve learned that help.  Thank you for letting me share my process with you. 

Although your loved one is never coming back, and the permanence of this is so hard to accept, grief itself changes over time.  I really noticed that this year in the type of things I think about and the way that I feel.  In my earlier grief, I literally missed her presence.  Every gathering or encounter felt so horribly incomplete. I would think of things to tell her and then recall that she wasn’t just a phone call away.  While her absence is still a presence, my family is now more defined by the future than the past, my children and nephews, and soon their partners and maybe children.  The pain of missing her has now shifted into the pain of what never would be; she never got to marry, never had children, would she still make funny sounds to illustrate her stories and would she have been a good aunt to my daughters?  My pain is now in the loss of all the possibilities of what could have been for her that we never got the chance to experience together. I’m left with so many questions of how she would feel about something or what she would say, what would she be doing, and what she would think about me and what I’m doing (although I know for sure she’d be ok with me spoiling my kitties).

Grief changes you.  Once you cross the barrier of having profound loss, you’re never the same.  You acquire a depth of awareness that no other experience can reveal.  While it was nice to be ignorant, there is value in the journey of grieving.  Grief has a way of clarifying what’s important.  You realize that what you miss about your dear one is not the cleanliness of their house, but the way they made you feel at home.  Or that weighing 10 pounds less didn’t really matter compared to the weight of the love they shared with you and the laughter that lifted you up when they comforted you.  Loss makes us all too aware of how precious our time is and the importance of spending it with wisdom and purpose.  Grief has a way of humbling us in our powerlessness and in how lucky we are for each day that goes as expected.  

Grief makes us more compassionate.  When you’ve been knocked to your knees, you appreciate what it takes to get yourself up and how important it is to be lent a helping hand.  When you know how grief steals your rational mind and robs you of motivation, you gain an understanding of what patience really is and what support truly looks like.  You accept people for where they are and let go of the judgment in expectations of how to “move on” or react in the “right way.”  Grief brings a profound understanding of how damn hard it is to love and to let go.  Grief forces you to be engulfed by excruciating pain and survive.  It also  gives you the courage and capacity to sit deeply with others in theirs.  Grief creates community, it equalizes us in our humanity.

Grief leaves a big hole.  No, really.  You can feel it so vividly, I’m amazed it doesn’t show up on an MRI.  I can sense it within me, like a familiar ache, right below my breast bone and above my waist.  While I tune it out sometimes, it’s always there.  In some ways it’s a familiar friend, reminding me I still love my sister and she is not forgotten.

Last March I got a tattoo.  (Thank you Alana for sitting with me and holding my hand.)  I decided to do it when I came across what felt like the perfect one.  It was the Hebrew word עימי which I think looks lovely, but its meaning felt so right.  It translates to “with me.”  It’s on my forearm and to be honest, I’m so pleased and surprised by how much it helps.  Somehow the physical manifestation of my grief is comforting.  It’s so tangible and permanent.  It represents the hole that’s on the inside being visible on the outside.  It’s a powerful symbol to me that I am living with my grief, through good times and bad, ups and downs, everpresent.

Another thing that has really helped is having a bench designated in her honor.  It’s in our local park and it has a plaque sharing her name and bearing witness to her existence.  It comforts me to sit with her and have a good chat.  We picked a nice spot in the sun with a pretty view of the lake.  It gives me a place to go and an activity when I need something to do with my grief.  I leave flowers there on her birthday and gently stroke it when I need a touch.  The bench literally grounds me when my grief is free floating.

One of the most important gifts I received when I sought support is the permission and understanding that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There are no rules to follow or steps toward a “cure.”  You also learn that grief is not a disease, it’s a state of being that is normal and healthy.  Often what we experience as abnormal is other people’s discomfort with our grief.  (I can’t tell you the number of parents who have lost children who share similar tales of people seeing them in the grocery store or schoolyard and literally turn the other way.)  I ask for their forgiveness because they just don’t know.  It is us, the grieving, who walk towards one another with the outstretched arms and the broke-open heart. 

I was in my 20’s when my sister died.  I have now lived with her memory longer than I lived with her.  But she still feels very alive to me.  Her death was not the end of our relationship.  And while I think I can always get the last word when I talk with her or share a story about her since her passing, who knows?  The rainbow I saw on her anniversary date sure did feel like a bit of a wink in my direction.

Since tonight we say goodbye to 2023 and usher in a new year full of possibility, I thought it’d be fun to review a few traditions I found from around the world.  With each ritual, the hope is to bring good luck and prosperity to all who participate.  So why not pick a few and give them a try?  What do you have to lose?  If nothing else you’ll start the year off with an open mind, behavioral flexibility, and maybe a good laugh.

Enjoy all things round.  Many cultures believe eating round foods on New Years will lead to prosperity.  In Italy, lentils represent coins with their round shape and in the Philippines it is customary to eat 12 round fruits, one for each month of the year, to ensure a year of abundance.  Here in the States, Southerners eat a dish called “Hoppin John” on New Year’s Day which is made of black-eyed peas, pork, and rice. The peas represent coins and the collard greens they are served with resemble paper money.  To further your luck, many families place a penny underneath the dishes.  If you don’t feel like eating something round, wearing Polka dots is also considered a way of bringing in good luck for party goers.

Other food traditions involve eating fish.  Fish move only in one direction, forward.  Eating fish is believed to keep you in pace with the movement of time in the year ahead.  And if you are too full to eat your traditions, there are a couple involving odd food usage.  In Ireland, you bang the Christmas bread on the walls of your home to chase away bad spirits and start the year with a clean slate.  To Greeks, onions are a symbol of good luck and fertility because they sprout when no one is paying attention.  On New Year’s eve Greek families hang bundles of onions above their doors to invite in prosperity.  And on New Year’s day, parents wake up their children by bonking them on the head with those same onions!  

And if smashing is your thrill, Turkey has your tradition!  Smash a pomegranate on your front porch.  The more pieces and the farther apart they spread, the more prosperous your year will be.  And for a little peace, sprinkle some salt in front of your door to boot.  In Denmark, people go around smashing dishes on the doorsteps of their friends and family homes.  The more shards there are the next day, the luckier they will be.  

And then there are the water traditions.  Since the 1900s the Polar Bear Plunge has been a ritual, starting off the year by submerging in freezing cold water.  In Brazil, you would go to the beach and jump seven waves.  Plan carefully, because you get one wish for each wave you jump.  But if getting wet is not your preference, just dump the water out of your window.  In Puerto Rico, they believe dumping a bucket of water out the window drives away evil spirits.  (It may also drive away any possible unexpected guests.)

Want a drier option?  How about wearing the right underwear?  Certain countries, especially in Latin America, believe the color of your underwear can bring good things for you in the next 12 months.  Yellow is for luck, red is for love, and white brings peace.  You may need to do the laundry in preparation!  Clean underwear only for the New Year, please.  

And for those desiring adventure, do as the Columbians do.  They take empty suitcases and run around the block as fast as they can.  This ensures a year full of travel.  But beware of visiting guests who bring their own suitcases.  In Scotland, the “first footer,” or visitor, in the New Year, is extremely important.  Tradition suggests you choose a man who is tall and dark (to protect against Vikings), who comes with gifts of coal, salt, shortbread and whiskey, representing the basic needs of heat, food, and drink. (Now that makes for interesting unwrapping).

And don’t forget your own beloveds…all species of them!   Belgian farmers rise early on January 1st and wish  “Happy New Year” to their family members as well as their chickens, horses, pigs, cows and any other living being in their care.  For me, I will surely cheer in my year with my recent family additions, my two young mini donkeys, Zeus and Apollo.  Their first New Year’s Day!  And it’s me who really needs the good luck (and for them to be on my good side).  So far, they outsmart me, quite regularly.  

However you choose to celebrate, please know the gratitude I feel for your reading my words and being able to share my ideas with you all throughout the year.  Happy 2024!!!

Now that you’ve spent some time “preparing to get prepared” for goal setting (my last post), it’s time to set up an action plan.  An action plan moves a goal from being abstract to being tangible.  For example, after some time reflecting about choosing an area of growth and change that matters to me, I realized I need to slow down.  I’ve been making a lot of errors, some without much consequence, but some that have cost me time, money, and embarrassment!  In exploring it with myself in a truthful manner, I realized I try to multitask too much, and end up mixing things up and making careless mistakes.  But slowing down is a rather vague goal. While it aligns with my values of wanting to be more thoughtful and precise, it needs to be further defined in order to make the change actually happen.  Otherwise it’s just a wish.  Having a specific plan of action to support a change is an important step in setting yourself up for success.  So in preparation for the impending New Year and the fresh start on our resolutions/goals, I wanted to review the literature on what and how to implement change in the most effective way.

First think about the positive outcome you’d like in pursuing this goal.  Create a vision for what this will be like for you in the real world, such as having sugar levels in the normal range from pre-diabetic, becoming a non-smoker, or in my case, making fewer mistakes in my daily life.  Now define this vision as best you can into what behaviors would make this change possible.  For example, lowering sugar levels might mean eating more vegetables, exercising more, and daily monitoring.  Now further define these goals into specific steps that you can measure and keep track of.  For example, for me, my plan would be to schedule a time three times a week to take care of paperwork rather than squeezing it in between things.  Now write down these steps in positive language: “I will eat one vegetable with lunch and dinner daily.  Or “I will go for a hike three times a week.”

Research shows that actually writing your goals down makes it more likely you will do them.  Also, posting them in an area where you see it frequently will keep it in the forefront of your mind.  And having some accountability is important as well.  Write into your action plan how you will evaluate your progress and when.  It helps to have a partner with whom you share your goals and plans.  Telling people tends to be a high predictor of people’s follow through.  Buddy up with someone you feel comfortable with and review how things are going. In one study, respondents were 42% more likely to accomplish their goals when they were in writing.  The success rate went up to 76% when participants wrote down their goals, developed a plan, told a friend, and kept the friend in the loop!  It’s really important not to be judgmental around any setbacks.  Make it as impersonal as possible.  What is wrong is the plan, not you!  Look honestly at what is getting in the way and readjust your plan to align better with your reality.  

The three top reasons why people fail at their resolutions, according to research, are actually all attitude dependent.  The first is that we try to do too much.  We need to keep our focus  narrow and on making small steps that will lead to bigger ones.  The second reason is expecting change to happen quickly.  Lasting change takes time.  We can make a change in behavior quickly with a big burst of focus and effort, but it takes a sustained period of time for change to become our new normal.  People often get discouraged if things don’t happen right away.  Setting realistic expectations will help you to stay positive and enjoy the progress.  Finally, the third reason people give up on their goals is by quitting after a “failure.”  Viewing “failure” as data to learn from is a very important part of the process of change.  How fast you shake off a slip up and get back on track is a big predictor of achieving long term success.  

And my final piece of advice on the topic of change this year?  Celebrate along the way!  Don’t wait until next year to toast yourself.  Pick frequent milestones you can reward yourself for achieving.  And don’t forget, effort counts!  Even if you don’t hit the goals exactly, choose some rewards for staying committed and positive and not giving up.  Highlighting progress reinforces it and solidifies your gains.  Or your losses!  Whatever your goal, small steps make the journey.  Laugh along the way and enjoy the view.