If you’re stressed about money, you’re certainly not alone!  A survey by the American Psychological Association shows that 77% of Americans are experiencing “significant” anxiety about their financial situation.  58% of people feel that finances control their lives and report difficulty managing their money related worries. If three quarters of us are walking around feeling so anxious, this has a huge impact on all of our lives, our health, and our relationships.  In today’s post, I want to share what to look out for in how you may be affected in hopes that we can be more open about our worries and look out for each other.   

One of the main reasons that people find financial stress so consuming is it feels so out of our control.  Gas and grocery prices are rising so quickly, while our pay and economic opportunities feel at risk and unlikely to keep up.  Unfortunately, finances are a topic that people find hard to talk about.  It leads to feelings of shame and frustration because we feel alone with it all, not knowing that many others are experiencing the same thing.  These realities are leading to physical and mental health consequences as high financial stress is a leading predictor of anxiety and depression.  Individuals with significant debt are more likely to experience hopelessness, worthlessness, and severe psychological distress.  This stress can lead to physical ailments including higher blood pressure and heart disease, indigestion and ulcers, insomnia, and a weakened immune system due to prolonged elevations in cortisol levels (our stress hormones).

Economic stress can also lead to changes in how we function in our daily lives.  Financially stressed people are more likely to be distracted, have higher rates of missing work or being late, and are not as productive as they used to be.  Stress drains our cognitive resources, studies showing it leads to a reduced ability for complex problem solving and short sighted decision making.  We are less likely to be innovative or take risks when we are under financial stress, as we tend to become more rigid due to a sense of threat.

Financial issues significantly impact our relationships.  Money is a primary source of marital conflict and it is estimated that it contributes to 20 – 40% of all divorces.  Even if not leading to divorce, the family stress and conflict can spill over into interactions with children, resulting in harsher parenting and behavioral problems in youth.  And financial stress leads to people to withdraw from social circles, due to embarrassment, shame, or the inability to afford to participate in activities that were a part of a social group.  Most of us become irritable, angry, and tense when we face bills and expenses that we can’t afford and a rising sense of resentment at having to deprive ourselves of things we enjoy just to fill our gas tanks or repair an appliance that’s suddenly broken.

A number of studies have shown a cyclical link between financial stress and mental health issues.  Financial problems lead to a decline in your mental health, which leads to difficulty managing your money.  You may avoid paying bills, lose income by taking time off work, or lack the energy and resources to address the issues.  The stress may also lead to substance abuse, overeating, impulsive buying, or other ways we try to cope.  As a result, people can be trapped in a downward spiral of increasing money problems and declining mental health.

All of these sound familiar, right?  When the majority of us are feeling stressed about money, it’s the norm!  Acknowledging this can be a step to feeling better.  During hard economic times, we are all affected.  Things are happening on a bigger scale that’s not our fault nor could we control it.  And there is just simply an element of luck to it all.  Some industries are affected more than others and some have just better luck with timing than others.  My courage at changing jobs last year is feeling a little shaky!   Seeing this as an “us” problem instead of a “me” problem can reduce the stigma and feelings of worthlessness or isolation.

Also, by seeing it as an “us” problem, it makes it easier to talk about.  Knowing that each of us is having our own variations of a shared problem is helpful.  While you may not be comfortable sharing your financial situation specifically, we can open the door to one another by asking how people are doing in terms of their stress.  We can share our own worries and resources, such as a ride share opportunity or other ways to assist with savings.  And we all can help each other with our priorities.  Maintaining our health is a shared priority goal.  Remind people not to skip medical appointments or save by cutting out medications that are needed.  Help the people you care about maintain the connections to the things they care about, even if it means doing it a little differently.  It also helps to Invite people to go for walks or picnics instead of costlier options that might be stressful to attend.

It’s also supportive to validate and remind each other of the importance of their connection to us and of being who they are.  Being acknowledged for our unique strengths and being appreciated for what we contribute really does reduce the sense of powerlessness that can creep in.  And when talking with family about finances, it’s best to set aside time that’s right for both people, when we can be prepared and focused. Discuss how to make financial decisions and who can do what to share the load.  Avoid blaming or taking on too much responsibility, reactions we tend to have when we’re stressed.

And most of all, we can cut each other some slack.  Times are hard and we are all hurting.  Humor is good, but not always appreciated.  Political talk and action can be empowering, but not always right for everyone.  Reaching out is good, but be sensitive and respectful in making assumptions.  Generally, ask if you are not sure.  Listen instead of talk.  And don’t underestimate the power of just showing some kindness.  When life seems too damn expensive, a simple home grown flower or baked good can be priceless.

One of the most frequent Foolish Phrases is “Yes, but…”  It’s pure manipulation and deflection.  You agree to the other person’s point, but then completely shift to a justification or rationalization in a way that takes away from the person’s point.  Especially when a “yes”  is followed by “but you…”  It’s defensive and leads to a back and forth of accusations.  Instead, when someone is expressing a concern, do your best to take a deep breath before you respond.  When you say “yes” follow it up by reflecting your partner’s words and feelings instead of an immediate deflection of what they are trying to share with you.  Once they feel you understand and own it, they’ll be more open to hearing an explanation of your perspective.

Another Foolish Phrase that only leads to trouble is “You’re just like…”  Nobody likes to be told they’re just like someone else (unless it’s a comparison to Alicia Keys or Albert Einstein).  But telling someone “you’re just like your Father” or just like someone you both know is problematic is inflammatory.  It adds a whole new layer to a disagreement and leads to someone feeling put down and unsafe.  You’ve just used information you know about their family or past painful experiences against them.  Do your best to avoid comparisons and stick to the moment between the two of you at hand.  Another variation, “I wish you were more like…” is just another way of belittling someone by using a comparison to trigger jealousy and disrespect, with “I never had this problem in other relationships,” being equally unhelpful.

And then there is a category of Foolish Phrases that are responses, but in fact are just dismissals.  One of the most common phrases is “calm down.”  Has anyone ever felt better when someone tells them to “calm down”?  It almost always has the opposite effect, making the other person feel the need to prove that something is upsetting.  “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’re overreacting” are both Foolish Phrase variations of calm down that are really ways of negatively judging another person’s experience.  And how many times have I heard, “You’re too sensitive” and felt a murderous rage?  We can’t know or be the judge of how a situation is experienced by someone.  Instead, try saying “tell me why that’s upsetting” or “what do you need right now?”  Join the person in a helpful way rather than shutting them down.

And finally, our lesson in Foolish Phrases can’t be complete without the mention of the “you always” and “you never” phrases. These expressions are exaggerations or overgeneralizations meant to emphasize a point, but usually lead to the other person feeling discounted and harshly judged, painted with an unforgiving brush.  Most often it’s not a good idea to bring up the past during a current conflict.  If you’re feeling a pattern emerge you’d like to address, wait until you are both calm and can see a bigger picture that’s more accurate and fair.

Foolish Phrases are so tempting, though!  They tend to be right on the tip of our tongue and come out of our lips with such satisfying intensity.  But that’s just the problem.  Foolish phrases are usually pure reactionary responses. They serve as protection when we feel attacked or feel shame or guilt at being called out for having done something that hurt a person we care about.  They tend to be deflective habits we’ve all gotten into.  So, as such, when you find yourself saying one of these phrases, use it as a flag to become aware of your defensiveness.  It’s never too late to back up and rephrase or acknowledge your reactivity.  Being curious about your response and being accountable is the wise thing to do.   Because only Fools keep doing what they know is foolish.

There are times in life when we have to make really hard decisions, ones we know will hurt others or disrupt their lives significantly.  These forks in the road are inevitable and are painful for everyone involved.  Ending a marriage, leaving a job, laying off people we work closely with are all possible realities in living an adult life. These are heart aching choices we have to make and then have to implement.  But how you handle it can, and does, really affect how these painful situations will work out and how people will feel about them, and their lives, far into the future. 

Watching the events of the last few weeks, where our President made the decision to go to war, probably the most difficult decisions an official would have to make, has been a real lesson in hard decision leadership.  Whether you agree or disagree that the war with Iran was a correct decision, how he has implemented it has prompted an important conversation about the responsibilities that should come when we make tough choices that will greatly affect others. 

The first and most important way to implement hard change is by taking responsibility in the ways you can.  When you blame others, deflect from what’s real, and minimize the impact, this leads to distrust and a strong feeling of disrespect that lingers long after the particular event.  And the first step in taking responsibility is owning the decision within yourself.  Ambivalence is really normal when faced with hard decisions, but if we continue to deny our decision by see-sawing back and forth, we create chaos.  Others can’t move forward if we’re not clear about where we stand.  Even if that’s by sharing your uncertainty and being open about what you can be open about, this a way to empower other people.  To the extent that you can include them in the process and ask for input creates trust.

In taking responsibility, we need to anticipate the outcome of our decisions and the potential consequences.  We owe it to the people we lead and/or care about to demonstrate that we’ve treated their dedication to us with care.  I can’t tell you how many people I work with who, in avoiding a hard truth, act out in impulsive behavior.  If a woman is afraid to tell her husband she isn’t happy in their marriage and has an affair, the whole family will be hurt in the long run.  Being a parent, partner, boss, or friend all has its responsibilities.  We are connected through giving our trust and putting our faith in other people.  While we can’t always please them, we have a responsibility to consider their feelings and how our actions will land for them.  I firmly believe the more power we hold over someone, the more responsibility we have in making sure we use this power in a careful way that allows them to maintain their dignity and sense of trust in others , even when life gets challenging

Showing empathy is another way to handle difficult decisions in a responsible way.  Anticipating how someone will feel hurt or disappointed is important in showing that you’ve put yourself in their shoes and are understanding of their reaction, even if you may disagree on the decision itself.  By demonstrating this empathy, you hold a space for their perspective and acknowledge their reality.  When we become defensive or dismissive to protect ourselves from feeling the pain, shame, or discomfort of our decision, we take away the person’s chance to process and be validated in their fears or concerns. By using empathy we can also inform our choices in seeing the bigger picture, beyond how it may impact us.  Taking a dream job for us may not be so dreamy for the rest of our family if it means we’ll be gone a lot of the time. 

If you’ve ever been under the authority of someone you feel is only looking out for themselves, it’s scary!  The atmosphere becomes one of competition, paranoia, and distrust.  As a way to cope, people splinter into factions, withdraw, and act out in ways they feel will best protect themselves.  Cooperation goes out the door and secrecy becomes the norm.  Fear overtakes decision making and no one can put in their best effort.  It creates helplessness and hopelessness when we have to live with the consequences of choices we don’t trust were made with honorable interests at heart.

As a parent, there have been plenty of times I was unpopular with my daughters because I disagreed with them, told them no, or made them do things they didn’t want to do.  As a boss, I’ve had to adhere to rules or budget cuts I didn’t like or even agree with.  We all have to set boundaries and live within circumstances that are difficult.  But because of respect, empathy, and a sense of trust, our children, our employees, our fellow citizens forge ahead with us.  We weather a storm together and learn from the process.

Being elected to office means public service.  Making decisions with the lives of others at stake is a great responsibility. We, the people, put our faith in leaders to make decisions with care and consideration.  We can’t always agree with the decisions they make, but we can always expect and demand that these decisions be made with forethought, planning, and with empathy. And not with ego and wishful grandiose thinking.

I was on a trip last week and was using my phone quite a bit to take pictures. As I pointed my camera app and saw the option for filters, it got me thinking about how we all see the world through our own filters without even realizing it. In fact, we don’t ever actually see the world, we see our brain’s heavily edited and slightly distorted version of it. It’s as if we all walk around with our own custom filters permanently affixed to our eyeballs.  Being aware of how our perception of the world, both in what we see and how we interpret it, impacts our experience of it is an important area for us to be aware of.  It can help us understand ourselves better and may also offer an area to create some positive changes in our lives and relationships.

Because we all are unique in our physical make up and our history of experiences and culture, we naturally will see the world differently than others.  One of the most interesting psychological tests that I studied in graduate school was the Rorschach Inkblot test.  This is a fascinating projective assessment that actually relies less on what people see (the content) and more on how they see it.  There is a system for scoring each response based on several perceptual factors, such as which parts of the blot were used (whole or parts), determinants used such as shape, coloring, shading or movement, and how accurately the perception fits the image.  The responses are analyzed through a scoring system normed on thousands of people’s responses to reveal patterns in coping styles, personality traits, motivations, and both cognitive and emotional functioning. The power of this assessment is in revealing how a person perceives and uses the stimuli around them. Spoiler alert: The more we distort, the more we have problems. The more flexible we can be in how we perceive the world, the better we are at adapting to it.

Our personal filters are subjective and create our realities, including our biases.  There has been a lot of research on the various ways that we tend to experience biases.  One area is in how biases shape our cognitive and emotional realities. Some examples of this include selective attention, wherein your current mental state or need influences your prioritizing certain  information.  Noticing food when you’re hungry is a simple example.  Another is emotional coloring, when your emotions literally tint the world to be more positive when you are happy or dark when you are feeling sorrow.  Confirmation bias is the way in which we gravitate toward information that supports our pre-existing views and ignore information that is contrary to it.

Interestingly, your physical state can even change your perceptions.  Research shows that when you’re tired or carrying a heavy item, hills actually look bigger.  Our feelings about a person change the way we see them, making them more attractive or less.  Two people can witness the same interaction and “see” very different things, depending on their filter.  For example, a late text response can be seen by one person as evidence of someone being very busy and the other sees it as an insult.  Intentions are something we conclude very much based on our own filters of expectation or fears.  Naive realism refers to the bias of assuming that our own perception is objective truth.

The most important thing about acknowledging your filter is to make sure you aren’t creating self fulfilling prophecies.  If we see the world in a certain manner, we tend to react to it in that way, making it more likely.  If you assume something is too great a challenge, you are likely to give up, for example.  If you assume someone is a certain type of person, you will see their actions related to that way of thinking. Our filters often take the form of stories we tell ourselves to explain the world.  We can use these stories as ways to cope, ways to motivate ourselves, or ways to create empathy and connection if we are careful.  If we’re not careful, we can use our filters in blaming, making excuses, or projecting our fears into the world –  “She didn’t text me back because I’m unloveable.” “He’s from another country and can’t be trusted.”

One of the useful things that I often do with people I work with in therapy is to affirm the existence of filters.  In this way, we can see how a person may be living under the distorted influence of potential filters – “I always fail,” or “all men are,” etc.  Understanding that the reality we experience is a particular filter frees us up to change the way we look at the world and ourselves.  It’s also essential in having satisfying and successful connections.  Understanding our realities as a version of a filter allows us to be more understanding and accepting of others perspectives.  Rather than arguing over who is right or wrong, we can  shift to creating understanding.  Learning to see the world through someone else’s filter is a true act of love.

Seeing the world through other people’s filters can also be fun! It can expand your tastes and help you appreciate what you might not have appreciated before.  By seeing the world through a different filter, we can gain new perspectives and understandings.  You just might find joy in seeing things in a different way.  It certainly is a way to stay open and flexible. Have someone who loves food you wouldn’t try eat the food with you.  Listen to  music with someone who loves a different kind of genre than you do.  I will say that being somewhere new on my vacation was a great reminder about the benefits of travel in expanding our perceptions. It certainly reminds us that everyone sees the world through a different filter based on where we live and our common way of life there.  Seeing the world through the filters of an island taxi driver or boat captain was fascinating.  Unfortunately, not using the filter of a strong enough sunscreen was painful.

There are times when we sense something’s wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it.  It may be an uneasy feeling in a relationship or in a certain environment.  It feels like something’s amiss even though it’s not being acknowledged.  Certain people are more sensitive to picking up these vibes than others and some emotions, themselves, can be indicators that something’s not okay.  These individuals or experiences can be thought of  as an “emotional canary in the coalmine.”  And just as they were for miners in the 20th century, they can be lifesavers if we use them to detect what can be harmful if not dealt with.

Because carbon monoxide is clear and odorless, miners needed a method of detecting a leak before it killed them. In 1896, after an explosion in Wales at the Tylorstown Colliery, John Scott Haldane proposed using “sentinel species,” animals more sensitive to poisonous gases than humans, down in the mines to warn of potential harm.   How did canaries get the honor?  Because not only are they small and portable, but they breathe a lot!  In order to fly at significant altitude, canaries take oxygen in their inhale and their exhale. As a result of their breathing anatomy, toxins found in the air circulate in their bodies much sooner than other small beings.  A canary falling off of its perch gave the miners the most amount of time to evacuate long before it would be harmful to the men.

Because of this predictive success, a canary in the coalmine became a metaphor referring to anything or anyone who is first affected by a change, especially if something is potentially toxic.  An “emotional canary in the coalmine” refers to a person within a family, relationship or organization who is highly sensitive to emotional toxicity, acting as a warning sign of impending dysfunction, stress, or danger, before others notice it.  The person’s distress (anxiety, outburst, withdrawal) signals that the environment (relationship, group culture) is unsafe.

Emotional canaries are often the “sensitive one” – a child in a family or a co-worker in a work setting – that feels and reacts to underlying tension, dishonesty or instability before others do.  Often this individual is labeled as “the problem,” as others blame them for being “too dramatic” or “too reactive,” when in fact they are responding to underlying tensions, hypocrisy, or potential danger around them.  People tend to develop this heightened awareness as a survival mechanism in a chaotic family environment. They are the truth tellers in a family or community who play an important role in bringing to the surface buried situations that need to be addressed.

Certain emotions can also be canaries within us.  Anger, in particular, is often a signal that a boundary has been crossed or that a situation is unfair.  Even when we can’t logically explain it, we feel irritated and may need to step back to trace the source of the perceived injustice.  Anxiety is another common emotional canary.  It lets us know when something is unpredictable or unsafe.  For example,  a work environment can be stressful in ways that cause burn out or high turnover.  The employees feel anxious from managing a toxic unsupportive culture.  

An important thing to remember is that the canary isn’t the cause of the problem, they are the first to be affected by it. When we can learn to trust their signals, canaries offer an enormous benefit to maintaining healthy relationships. As canaries, if we can regulate our emotional reactions and use them to give us information, rather than getting lost in the drama or upset, we can use our sensitivity for protection.  Instead of trying to toughen up the canary, the focus can be shifted to fixing the leak in the mine.  We need to resist the urge to scapegoat our canaries and, instead, nurture their abilities.  If we take care of them, they can be lifesavers.

Evidently, once the coal miners learned to trust their feathered gas detectors, they became quite attached to them.  I found an article from a miner museum describing special cages built to allow the trapped canary to breathe outside air through a vent.  Once the canary fell, presumably due to poisoning, a miner would seal the cage and open a valve to let oxygen flow from a little tank on top of the cage while the workers evacuated.  Once electronic gas detectors became available, many of the miners continued to use the canaries until they were barred from doing so by regulations.  They preferred the sweet songs of the canary to the electronic chirps of the digital readers.  And I would imagine while deep in a mineshaft, it felt safer not to have to worry about a canary’s battery running low!

I’ve been finding myself feeling stuck lately.  In several areas of my life I’m waiting for some big changes to happen that are out of my control.  I’ve been frustrated and even a little cranky.  The changes, although they don’t involve me directly, will have a big impact on me (my husband’s work situation, for example). I was in a wait and worry mode.  Not my best skill.  I’ve been preparing for the change, obsessing about the change, and wanting it to happen already!  And then it hit me.  I was putting myself in a passive role, “waiting on the world to change,” as the song says.

Then, finally, I had an epiphany.  If I want some change, I need to make some change!  And so I signed up for a class and started another new activity.  And although I’m still in a holding pattern regarding the other matters, I feel better having taken some action. It was another reminder of the power of choice.  Whether small or significant, making choices prevents you from being a passive victim of circumstances and enables you to better align with what matters to you.

The psychological benefits of making choices are well documented.  Making decisions reinforces the sense of being an active participant in your life, giving you a sense of control and autonomy.  Consistently making choices and navigating the outcomes, positive or not so positive, builds confidence and agency.  Active and thoughtful decision making prevents being impulsive and reactive and helps us grow as we evaluate our decisions and the values we hold that inform them.  Every decision you make, big or small, shapes your life over time.  They accumulate to be the essence of who we are and what legacy we have in the word.  Not small matters!

Even by not making choices, we’re making choices that impact our lives.  But sometimes, although we know we need to do something, we can’t move forward. A key psychological phenomenon known as Learned Helplessness is a contributor to depression.  It happens when we feel that nothing we do makes a difference and we stop trying. Our feeling of helplessness causes us to give up and stop trying, even when we have the ability to do something.  Another reason people don’t make choices is the fear of making a mistake. The fear becomes so intense it paralyzes us and we shut down, causing inaction and passivity as well.

At least once a year I try to reread the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. The book combines a memoir of his experience in a Nazi concentration camp and the development of his psychological theory he names Logotherapy.  Despite the unimaginable suffering he witnessed and endured, he noticed how when people could find a “why” in their experience they could endure almost any suffering.   It is such a powerful reminder that even in the worst of circumstances we can choose our own attitude and our own responses.  This is a powerful underlying theme to a school of psychology called Existential Therapy.

Existential psychology centers on the premise that we are totally responsible for the consequences of our decisions.  Through the process of confronting our anxieties around making choices and bearing the full responsibility for our lives, we free ourselves up to define our own values and live authentically. The goal of this type of work is to face our existential fears (thought to be normal anxieties of the human condition) of mortality, meaninglessness, responsibility and isolation by creating our own paths and our own meaning in life.  The things we do to avoid responsibility, such as following predetermined life paths or blaming others, only leads to unhappiness and more anxiety in the long run. 

Heavy stuff, right?  But powerful and relevant!  Whether I’m stewing about the latest political outrage or wondering what to have for breakfast, I’m making choices in everything I do.  And while this can be burdensome and overwhelming, it also supplies broad opportunities for change.  It brings motivation and clarity by empowering us.   Even if it was merely taking a simple class online or starting a new activity, the process of making a change in response to feeling helpless was transformative.  It gave me energy and a focus.  Now go out there and make a choice – it just may mean something!

It seems fitting that an article in defense of using profanity would appear in the journal American Psychologist this week, as it’s my father’s birthday (may his memory be for a blessing).  My dad, while a brilliant and articulate speaker, did indeed have a propensity to air his frustrations with some colorful language.  Whenever I watch the movie A Christmas Story, I have to smile when the narrator describes his own father in a way I can totally relate: “He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay.  It was his true medium; a master.”  But, as if a tribute to his memory, this current article offers some vindication for my family. There appears to be a benefit to using curse words that may give you an advantage when you need it.

Nicholas Washmuth, at the University of Alabama,  compared the performance of participants in physical tasks completed while swearing to when they engaged in the same task while repeating a neutral word. The participants were asked to choose a word that they would use if they had hit their head or stubbed their toe, aiming to have them use a word they would likely use when they needed to boost themselves.  Not surprising, the most common words were the F-word and the S-word.  The neutral word was a word they chose to describe a table.  His studies found that participants consistently performed better in the physical task while swearing than when using the neutral word.

Other scientists have also found this same effect, determining that uttering curse words can make you stronger, as well as offer pain relief. The scientific consensus is that cursing puts a person in a state of disinhibition, a psychological state where you are less likely to hold back.  This disinhibited state is conducive to maximizing effort and overcoming internal constraints.  As such, swearing may represent a low-cost, widely accessible psychological intervention to help people when peak performance is needed.  These findings are being applied to other contexts requiring courage or assertiveness, such as overcoming social anxiety or public speaking.  Could privately uttering some swear words help you overcome your inhibition to approaching a potential romantic partner?  That is what scientists are suggesting. But don’t sugar coat it!  It turns out that using euphemisms like fudge or sugar aren’t powerful enough.  In order to get the disinhibitory benefit, it appears you need to cross a line into an area that feels taboo.  

It’s nice to know that the satisfying feeling I get when I curse has a purpose –  I’m attempting peak performance while drawing on my resources and maximizing my effort!  But, please, do be careful.  Having grown up in a household where it was common, you learn the hard way that not every place or group of people understand this magical power.  And it can become a habit that has unintended consequences.  Like when perhaps, a young child parrots your wording.  Not that I know anything about that…just a warning to others as a…public service.  I mean…wtf?

Being early January, many of us are in action-mode for our New Year’s resolutions.  We’ve neglected our self care routine, gained a few pounds, binged too many shows, and are now attempting a reset.  Along with it, if you’re like us, you’ve engaged in some pretty mean self-talk and have been harsh with yourself, thinking this is necessary to motivate change. So, for my first post this new year I think it might help to get back to basics.  Rather than beating yourself up, it’s time to switch your mindset from your “character” and how it lacks, to focus on your “habits” and how they can be changed.  To do so, I introduce you to the “Golden Rule of Habit Change”.

According to Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habit, every habit has three components:  a cue (or the trigger for the automatic habit to start), a routine (the behavior itself), and a reward (which is how our brain learns to remember this pattern for the future).  Changing your behavior is a matter of replacing the routine, or behavior, with a new one, while keeping the cue and the reward the same.  This is known as “habit reversal training.”  The first step is to identify the three components of the habit loop.  For instance the cue might be feeling stressed, the response may be biting your fingernails, and the reward is relief or distraction from the stress.  Next, you brainstorm for a new response that will replace the old one and initiate the reward.  For example, taking a quick walk around the house is a replacement for biting nails.  So the next time you get the urge to bite your nails, you go for a walk around the house and receive the relief of stress in a new way.  The cue is the same, the reward is the same, but the behavior is different.  Do this repeatedly, and, voila, a new habit has formed!

But it’s not that easy, right?  Of course not.  The problem is that habits are habits.  We do them in an automatic manner.  Usually we’re already doing the habit when we notice it, so it’s hard to replace!  This is where “awareness training” is key.  We need to be a detective to search for clues regarding the cues to the behavior so we can intervene before we engage in the behavior.  Focusing on what you experience, feel, or think before the habit takes some effort.  The more you can understand and be aware of what triggers the habitual behavior, the more power you will have to choose to do something different. 

“Most people’s habits have occurred for so long they don’t pay attention to what causes them anymore,” according to Brad Dufrene, a habit training therapist.  It helps to make a list of the usual situations in which you engage in the behavior.  Think about what may be common to these situations and how you may tend to feel at those times.  For example, when you’re bored waiting for something, when you’re upset about something and frustrated, etc.  Some therapists encourage making a habit journal for a period of time before you start to try to change the behavior to get more information about the triggers.  The better you can identify the cues and what reward you get out of the behavior in response to the cue, the easier it will be to swap out behavior habits.

Once you really understand your cue, the next step in our Golden Rule of Habit change process is to identify a “competing response.”  This is a behavior that can be done when you feel the urge/cue/trigger for the behavior and that will mimic the reward as best as possible for the outcome.  The more it is incompatible with the undesired old habit the better. For example, if you realize that biting your nails is a response to stress, and you notice a tingling sensation in your fingertips when you feel stress, then substituting a response such as rubbing your arm, putting your hands in your pocket, or picking up a fidget spinner might be a good response when you get that tingling sensation.  It prevents the nail biting by keeping your hands busy but responds to the physical cue of the fingers wanting to do something when you are stressed.  So the cues and the reward stay the same, but the behavior will change.

Once you find the competing response, do it over and over again.  You will have slip ups, but shift to the new behavior as quickly as you can when you catch yourself in the old behavior.  The deliberateness of the process helps to reprogram the brain until the new behavior is the habit.  Habit Reversal Therapy is now used to help people with verbal and physical tics, depression, obsessive compulsive behavior, smoking, gambling, and many other behavioral problems.  

Underlying the success of the Golden Rule of Behavior Change is the fundamental principle of habits.  Often we don’t really understand the craving or need being addressed by the habit, because the habit is doing its job to mask it with the reward!  So in taking the time to uncover the need or trigger your habit is serving, make sure you replace your habit with something also rewarding.  Think of some fun and silly behaviors that you would look forward to doing, like listening to a favorite old song, looking up a joke to share, or using a fun coloring book. Doing 10 push ups instead of eating a cookie is not going to produce the same response. You may get in better shape, but you may also feel punished instead of rewarded!

My grandparents had a chiming clock that I always associated with my love of visiting them in their NY home. I thought of them when I saw a sweet clock that, instead of a chime, had a little bird call at the top of every hour.  My brother was kind enough to get it for me for the holidays.  While I hoped I would like it, I never expected the level of joy it ‘s brought to my life!  Honestly, each hour when I see those doors open and that little guy emerge from his house to sing his tune, I smile.  Even hearing his song down the hallway makes me a little giddy and warms my heart.  What a lovely way to notice the hours of my day as they pass. It’s an endearing and consistent reminder that “little joys” can have a big impact. 

With the world feeling so overwhelming and out of our control right now, it helps to have a way to interrupt this negativity.  “Micro-joys,” as they are referred to, are a proven tool for stress reduction and can lead to a 25% increase in emotional wellbeing in just a week.  How, you ask, can such a little thing have these benefits?  Simple pleasures serve as mental “fuel stations” by replenishing positive energy.  They disrupt negative thought cycles and help to foster adaptability and mental flexibility.  These moments help regulate the central nervous system and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol.  People who consistently engage in noticing small positive moments report more life satisfaction in the long term.  Appreciating a cup of coffee or a sunrise shifts the focus from what is lacking to a sense of abundance and contentment.

According to joy researcher Barbara Frederickson, these micro-moments serve as a bridge to other positive emotions.  In her “Broaden and Build Theory,” positive emotions broaden an individual’s thought-action repertoire: “joy sparks the urge to play, interest sparks the urge to explore, contentment sparks the urge to savour and integrate.”  The broadened mindset in these positive experiences contrasts with a narrowed mindset associated with negative emotions, such as depression and anxiety.  This is the “Broaden” part of her theory.  The “Build” part of her theory occurs as a consequence of these broadened mindsets.  In positive moments we are more open to novel and creative actions, ideas, and social bonds, which in turn lead to an increase in people’s personal resources.  These resources serve as a reserve that can be drawn on later to improve the ability for successful coping.  Joy lessens the time spent in negative mood states and broadens our mindset, which leads to us building our resources for improved resilience when we need it.

Increasing our micro joy moments simply involves an attentional focus, which sounds easy but takes energy and effort.  Some examples may help.  There are sensory little joys such as smelling flowers, listening to music, or savoring a good meal.  There are social little joys such as smiling at a stranger, sharing a laugh, or a small act of kindness.  There are mindful small joys, such as taking a long look at something in nature while taking a breath, or watching ripples in a pond.  And active micro-joys include a brief dance party, changing up your routine, or sending a positive text to someone you love.

The hardest part of small joys is remembering to do them on a regular basis.  Some people develop rituals such as writing in a gratitude journal every day or taking a mental break to do something positive at certain times of the day, such as when they get in their car or get home from work.  And maybe that is what is so effective about my little bird clock.  It’s an hourly joyous ritual that just happens for me.  Maybe we can make chiming clocks that you can personalize for your own little joy!  For my brothers, a chime of the Giants scoring a game winning touchdown, for my daughter, her puppy barking happily, or for my husband, an inspirational shout out to reward his efforts.  Whatever you like to hear that brings a smile to your face, make sure you surround yourself with it on a regular basis in the New Year! Tweet tweet!

After my post about the joy I feel in receiving a package, someone (perhaps a tall man I’ve lived with for 30+ years) brought up the question of addiction.  If purchasing something on-line creates the release of chemicals in the reward center of my brain that feels so good I want to do more of it , could this be considered an addiction?  I’m glad you asked, Mr. Someone, as it’s an important point to consider. 

We can in fact, become addicted to behaviors.  Behavioral scientists are researching the similarities and differences between substance addictions and behavioral addictions.  Behavioral addictions can occur with any activity that’s capable of stimulating your brain’s reward system, according to their work.  Behaviors such as gambling, shopping, video gaming, or even exercise, which we think of as a healthy behavior, can be potentially addicting.  Knowing when our behavioral habits cross this line is an important perspective to be aware of, I would agree.

The DSM-5, the manual of official psychiatric diagnoses, only lists gambling addiction as a diagnosable behavioral addiction in the subsection of “non-substance-related disorders” in the category of “substance related and addictive disorders.”  But according to researchers, this is only because other behavioral addictions lack a body of research evidence at this time.  A growing body of literature is supporting the validity of other behavioral addictions, like phone addictions, shopping, and viewing pornography.  In fact, the research suggests that any activity or habit that becomes all consuming and negatively impacts your daily functioning can cause significant mental, social, and physical health issues, as well as financial issues, in many cases.

So if any behavior can become an addiction, how do I know when my actions cross the line from a habit into an addiction?  According to researcher Mathias Brand, PhD, the line between activity and addiction lies where an activity that is positive or neutral takes a decidedly negative turn.  There are some guidelines for behaviors that do not involve chemical substances scientists have outlined to use to evaluate your relationship to these behaviors and signs to watch out for.

The first sign is importance.  How important is this behavior to your sense of yourself and how you live your life?  How much are you not doing other things to engage in the behavior?  In other words, is it taking priority in a way that doesn’t seem appropriate?

Another sign is prevalence.  Do you find yourself doing it more often and for longer periods of time than you intended?  This is the never-enough feeling.  You have to keep doing it and don’t feel satisfied by just a little of it.

The reward feeling is another sign.  Does doing the behavior make you feel better, specifically, more in control?  Or more often the opposite, does it cause you distress when you’re not doing it?  One way to gauge how reliant you are on the behavior is to consider doing without it.  Your emotional and/or physical response may be very informative. The higher the level of panic or pain you anticipate can tell you a lot about your need for the behavior.  In addition, the level of pain or shame you feel for having engaged in the behavior or for someone finding out about your behavior is also very telling.

One of the biggest indicators of an addiction is the disruption it causes in your life and relationships.  We only have so much time and attention. Is your behavior causing you to neglect other people or tasks that are important in your life?  Have other people complained or requested you to limit this behavior? Research shows that often it’s the significant people in our lives who can best determine if we are addicted to a behavior or not.  We tend to fall back into patterns when we’re addicted, called “reverting.”  We say to our loved ones, and to ourselves, that we’re going to limit our behavior or stop it, only to be pulled into the pattern once again.  We explain away our broken promises with layers of rationales as to why we need to do it.   We tend to minimize the negative impact of our behavior and overvalue the positives.  

All these signs are indicative of a habit that is controlling you.  Absent an outside chemical or substance that’s involved, it’s a part of ourselves – an impulse, pleasure, anxiety, and/or preference – taking center stage in our judgements and decision making.  When we cross over into addictive behavior, we overprioritize the behavior and lose our ability to see the impact and consequences of it with clarity or to act on this awareness the way we know we should.  

Soooooo…what do I think?  Am I an addict?  I’m on the edge, if I’m honest. I get a little nervous at the thought of not shopping online for a period of time and probably minimize its impact on my budget and my time allocations.  But, I would also say that just because I enjoy something, doesn’t make it an addiction.  Fortunately, I don’t feel it controls me and I’m not feeling the need to hide it from anyone.  But it probably crosses the line sometimes when I get into a rabbit hole of scrolling through choices of purchases or get excited when an item goes on sale that I wasn’t even thinking about wanting or needing before I saw it.  

But the most telling thing is probably the little sense of emptiness I feel if something is not on its way to my doorstep.  It’s probably good that I’m becoming more aware of the line I’m walking and can put more attention to the role my love of packages arriving is playing in my life.  As I suppose the key to most things is balance and awareness.  Do I have other ways of finding joy and relieving stress?  Of feeling cared for and nurtured?  Can you become addicted to kissing a mini donkey?