I’ve come to realize I’m in an abusive relationship.  We, as a country, are in an abusive relationship.  And as we head to the midterms, the outrageous tactics of a man and his administration are in full display as he becomes desperate to hold on to this power.

As a clinical psychologist I have worked with victims of abuse, both at a Safe House/Shelter and with cases referred from Child Protective Services.  I also have worked with the perpetrators of abuse as the head of a treatment program mandated by the court for those convicted of domestic violence and with parents referred by CPS. In my work with all of these people, we educate them about the differences between healthy relationships and ones that cross over into unhealthy ones.  We teach them that abusive behavior is more than just losing your temper and making mistakes.  It is deliberate behavior that is representative of entitlement.  It comes from a belief that the abuser has the right to dominate and have authority over another person.  The tactics used by an abuser include a range of behavior meant to belittle and disempower the other so that they will lose the courage and ability to leave the relationship.  Abusive behaviors include blaming, minimizing and denying, lying and deception, criticizing, name calling, shaming, punishing someone when they disagree, threatening, demanding loyalty, withholding money and resources, isolating and scapegoating, and cutting off people, ideas, or opportunities believed to be a threat. It also involves using violence and denying the rights and means for protection against it.

Sound familiar?  Every day when I listen to the news I hear the implementation of these tactics in some form or another.  The paranoia and need to control the Press, the Congress, the Courts, the Justice Department, Homeland Security, the White House, the Kennedy Center, or any other vestige of power escalates as the potential loss of control becomes a more likely possibility.  And like most perpetrators of abuse, beneath the illusion of strength is a fragile and weak individual who must be the center of attention and whom everyone else must defer to in order for them to feel important.

As we identify this pattern, we must also look at ourselves and the role that we have played in this dynamic. Abusers tend to find victims who are vulnerable because of their insecurity and fear. The abuser looks attractive because of their boldness and their promises to protect and take care of difficult things.  With the economic hardships and the increasingly complex global economy, we, the citizens of the US, wanted someone to assert power for us.  We wanted to believe promises and assert blame in order to fix things.  We ignored red flags of moral corruption and past patterns of abuse in the hope that with us, things would be different.

But now is the time to take our power back.  We can learn from what we’ve been through and end the brutal cycle.  By voting for candidates who express moral integrity and an understanding of public service, we can break the hold of abusers over this nation.  We must show our willingness to end relationships with those who seek to betray our trust and manipulate our laws and our Constitution.  Regardless of our political orientation we can and must demand a healthy relationship between our leaders and the people, the traditions, and the laws of our great Nation, built on the foundations of equality and freedom for all.

In my last post I wrote about the emotional distance we create by holding back from sharing what we really think and feel. This week, I want to take it a step further to look at the times when we purposely don’t share information and keep secrets.  Research shows holding secrets is more common than we think, but the cost may also be more than we know.

Research shows that on average people have about 13 secrets at any one time, five of which they’ve never told another person (wow).  This comes from secret researcher Michael Slepian, PhD, who ironically is a professor of ethics at Columbia University Business School.  The most common themes of secrets tend to be having told a lie that you don’t want to be known, having romantic interest in another person while in a relationship, and things related to money.  These seem kind of obvious in that they relate to what we often feel are taboo subjects.  So how is having a secret different from just being private?  According to the research, a secret is defined as not just when someone doesn’t know something about you, but when you intend for them not to learn this information.

Keeping a secret is a lot of work.  It requires constant vigilance around how it might be found out and what might happen if it does.  Research on the effects of keeping secrets points to the isolation that happens when you have a secret.  It prevents people from acting naturally and sharing freely.  Studies show that secrets cause a distraction that leads to a preoccupation and a decreased feeling of authenticity and lowered self esteem and life satisfaction. Keeping a secret is shown to cause mental exhaustion as we become preoccupied and ruminate about it.  It can make you feel isolated, guilty and carry a sense of shame.  Other people can most likely tell when we’re holding a secret, as our behavior changes.  We become nervous, give superficial explanations, and shift topics.  This creates tension and distrust.  Secrets create a distance from you and other people. It erodes trust and authenticity that’s important for intimacy.

Research and common sense indicate that the best relief from the burden of carrying a secret is to disclose it.  However, the benefits of disclosing largely depend on who you tell, how you tell them, and why you tell them.  Research on confiding secrets indicates that disclosure tends to significantly reduce rumination, the repetitive thought loops in thinking about the secret and its implications.  Intrusive thoughts tend to lose their power when you don’t have to hold them alone.  Sharing your secret also has the benefit of allowing you to get support.  Sharing can increase intimacy and is often more positive than the secret holder may fear.  It can be very powerful when disclosure leads to acceptance rather than rejection. 

The readiness you feel in disclosing a secret is important.  Disclosure works best when you’ve processed the secret enough to talk about it coherently and have a clear purpose for your disclosure.  Telling someone a secret just to unload it and ease your own mind can be burdensome to the other person.  Sharing to genuinely connect, to be known, and be understood tends to produce more lasting benefits for your well being.

And of course, the type of secret matters a lot in terms of who you should tell and how.  When it’s a workplace secret, there may be professional legalities and boundaries.  When it’s a relationship secret, it may be hurtful to the person you care about, and when it’s a family secret, it can create many layers of complexities. Some secrets may need to stay secret, as they may harm someone you love, violate professional boundaries, or put you at risk in some way.  Sometimes the person you want to share with is no longer living or available, or the relationship may not be able to bear the weight of the truth at the time.  But this doesn’t mean you can’t disclose it to someone!  Finding a therapist, a relative, or trusted friends or clergy can be a way to unburden yourself of a secret in a way that allows you to process it and address the need for healing.

But the very best way to be free of the burden of secrets is to not create them in the first place.  Sometimes we get in the habit of keeping secrets as a coping tool or a way of avoiding something we actually need to deal with.  Notice your urge to deceive and ask yourself about it.  How can you better respond in a way that doesn’t involve deception?  Learning to embrace your own integrity takes life experience and maturity.  We tend to learn the hard way what the effects of not telling the truth can be in the long run.  Secrets have a way of compounding and causing deep regret at some point in the future. 

Some secrets are cast upon us, however, not of our own doing.  The burden of what to do with it is also heavy.  It’s troubling to be the holder/decider of who knows something that someone else has no control over knowing.  In these cases, it can really help to confide in someone and have help in determining the best course of action.  The decision to disclose depends on several factors, including if keeping the secret is causing significant distress, if disclosure could prevent harm to yourself or others, the potential consequences of sharing versus not sharing, and the other party’s capacity to handle the information.  

As technological advances reveal more and more truths, such as genetics and ancestry, search histories and past e-mails or texts, the chances of having our secrets revealed becomes greater in time.  It really is good to ask yourself, “if I’m doing something I need to hide, is it really something I want to do, given the cost of the burden of carrying a secret?”  I often hear the fantasy of people saying, “if only I could go back in time and been honest.”  The choices we make in the present will have implications later on.  If you have to hide something, maybe consult someone now about how to avoid creating a secret you’ll have to live with.  

Research shows even good secrets, like a surprise party or a gift, can be equally stressful!  Your brain treats the concealment as a cognitive burden just like it is to withhold any other information. You have to make excuses, worry about revealing it, and anticipate how it might be found out.  It can lead to suspicious and uncharacteristic behavior that creates stress in a relationship. So, my dear husband, for your own good, since my birthday is only a month away now…unburden yourself!

I recently finished the book by Elizabeth Strout titled The Things We Never Say.  I really enjoy her work as she writes from within her character’s minds, revealing their inner thoughts and the complex motivations that drive them. In this recent book, as the title says, she focuses on what people don’t share with one another. There are the small ways in which we inadvertently keep things to ourselves and then there are the bigger ways in which we consciously keep secrets.  As a psychologist who’s listened to people for many years, I was really touched by how the author demonstrates the disconnections that evolve not just from what we say to one another, but from what we don’t say.

The most obvious reason why we might not say something, even if it’s important to us, is the fear of conflict.  We worry it’ll cause an argument, hurt feelings, or we might say something we’ll regret. Knowing we want to say something unpleasant is stressful and can actually cause a protective “freeze response.”  We’ll prepare to have the conversation and then when the time comes, we’re at a loss for words or simply can’t get started.  Many people have never learned healthy communication and, in fact, have witnessed either traumatic arguing or stoic silence as patterns in their households.  In this case, we keep things to ourselves as a protective measure, either protecting us, the other person, or the relationship.

But what about saying things that are not conflictual, even positive?  For some people, saying even nice things can be hard.  We tend to avoid these statements out of fear of being awkward.  We imagine we’ll seem clumsy, patronizing, or fake when we try to praise someone.  We even worry it might make the other person uncomfortable.  Some people even worry that it will create too much closeness if they praise or share how they feel.  This is especially true for people who have issues with intimacy and fear rejection.

Sometimes we actually use silence as a way of controlling a situation or asserting our power.  In unhealthy relationships or leadership, people may intentionally withhold praise as a way of keeping the other person insecure and seeking validation.  Unhappy people tend to refuse to share nice things out of bitterness toward another person’s success or happiness.  Some people feel too vulnerable sharing their thoughts and feelings.  If knowledge is power, then keeping it to ourselves helps us feel more in control.  If you don’t know how I feel about something, it can feel safer than having you reject me for whatever difference we may have.

As Ms. Stout so eloquently shows in her novel, the result of her characters not sharing with one another is a growing sense of distance and isolation from one another.  And the less they share, the harder it becomes to do so.  This feels safer in the moment, but over time, if we can’t share what we worry about, are happy about, or are fearful of, we become more and more alone.  Not sharing deprives us of the ability to be supported, validated, and accepted. To have our ideas taken seriously or even challenged.  We also rob the other person of the chance to know us and feel closer to us.  I can’t tell you how often in therapy with couples I see how just sharing a few vulnerable feelings goes a long way to building trust.  Because of prolonged conflict, neither feels safe or willing to offer intimate thoughts.  Even if it’s awkward or doesn’t come out just right, offering a nice comment can be so affirming, even if it’s just recognizing the other person’s good intentions when things are hard.  Research shows that feeling seen is such an important part of contentment in a relationship. Creating an atmosphere of safety involves taking risks in sharing and also being supportive when someone else takes a risk.

When I work with interns who are learning to be therapists, they often complain and become frustrated, accusing a client of lying to them or not telling the whole truth.  I encourage them to take a step back and to consider why someone would lie to their therapist, who they are paying to help them!  The answer is usually something related to not being able to face whatever they’re hiding.  Whether they’re in denial, fear their own self judgements, or are not ready to own a truth, the omission of information is usually about keeping it from themselves rather than from the therapist.  Because once it’s said, it’s real.  Often, we therapists are listening for what is not being said: She talks about sadness, but never anger, he talks about all that he’s achieved and is proud of, but never about his mistakes.  One of my jobs as an effective therapist is to notice what is not being said and pave the way for it to become safe to say.  Initially, I might start by asking, “I know you’re really mad about this, but is there a small part of you that’s also a bit sad?”  The work of the therapy is frequently to help someone say to themselves what is scary to say.

In reality, most people regret what they didn’t say even more than what they’ve said.  Especially when it’s too late, such as a sudden loss or ending.  Perhaps because I had a significant loss fairly early in my life, I’m pretty intent on making sure people know what I feel by writing it down or saying it (some may say a bit too much).  But it feels so good to let people know the love and respect you have for them.  And it makes people feel at ease when they know where you stand.  Not sharing creates a vacuum that the other person may fill with inaccurate ideas from their own insecurities. 

So rather than thinking of your thoughts or feelings as a burden you don’t want to share, try to think of them as gifts to give.  And if you can’t say it, try writing it, singing it, or leaving it in a voicemail. Sharing your intimate thoughts can really show someone caring and make their day.  And as far as gifts go, you get a lot of bang for your buck. You can make someone feel special without it costing you a penny!

Now that I’ve covered how to start a hard conversation and how to deepen a conversation, it might be good to prepare for being on the RECEIVING end of a conversation. This can be even more important in terms of the impact we have on our relationships and how we navigate through hard times.  While we can’t control what or how other people talk to us, we can be in control of how we respond.  Here are some tips on being a good listener, even for words that aren’t easy to hear!

Nothing can be more terrifying than someone saying, “Can I talk to you?,” with a serious look on their face.  Our minds race through a million scenarios of what we’ve done wrong, what we’ll be accused of, and how to defend ourselves.  By the time we start the conversation we’re ready to fight.  So, the first step to the conversation can be the most important.  Prepare.  This means calming yourself down, resisting the urge to guess what’s coming, and reminding yourself the goal of conversation is not to win, but to understand one another.  Another way to prepare is to consider when a good time for you is or will be to have a productive talk.  You can ask for a time that’s more convenient for you and helps you to not be reactive.  It’s also ok to ask for a sentence or two about the topic, so your mind can be more focused.  My guilty conscience is always relieved when I think someone is mad at me, and what they want to talk about is their dinner plan guest list.

Once the conversation begins, do your best to listen.  It’s tempting to jump in and talk over the person, which only frustrates them and may cause them to ramp up even more. Do your best to pay attention rather than planning your response.  It also helps to ask clarifying questions to better understand where the person is coming from and watch your own body language.  Crossing your arms or scowling, or goodness, please no, rolling your eyes, can really bring a conversation to a lower level.   Remind yourself that a conversation is a process and fact gathering is step one.  If you find things getting too heated, it’s ok to set limits.  You can ask to take a break for a bit so that one or both of you can calm down.  It’s okay to set boundaries around how you’re spoken to, for example, you don’t have to be receptive to name calling.  “It’s hard for me to hear you when I feel personally attacked.”

The most important thing in being a good receiver is to stay with your humanity.  Having empathy and showing the other person you are interested in understanding their position goes a very long way.  Nothing backs someone into a corner more than you denying what they are telling you is their experience. You may not agree with them, but start by showing them that you have heard and can empathize with how they might feel.  I can’t tell you the number of situations that have gone from a level 10 intensity to lower than 5, just by having the other person feel heard and seen.  If they feel your respect and understanding, they can work through a connection WITH you rather than by challenging AGAINST you. You can even say, “I don’t remember it that way, but I can see how that would bother you.”

It helps also to remind yourself that when people are upset, their behavior may be a result of a fight/flight response.  Their rude behavior may actually be a way to cope with their own fear.  Again, trying to put yourself in their shoes can be soothing.  When we can stay centered, not take things personally, it can help us find common ground.  Finding things you agree on is a good place to start.  Maybe that’s both wanting to feel more comfortable, or both wanting a problem to be solved.  Aligning your goals and clarifying what a positive outcome might look like can reset you as allies rather than combatants. It’s also good to clarify a next step to address the issue, even if that’s a check in at some point in the future.  And it’s okay to ask for a follow up conversation after you’ve had a chance to think about what was said and reflect on it. You might even thank the other person for taking the risk to share something with you, even if it was difficult.  

Hard conversations can create intimacy and trust if handled well. I often find that a good measure of a relationship is how the people handle difficult conversations, not the fact that they have them. Conversations are manifestations of being in relationship.  Every meaningful relationship will have differences or conflict.  And not every hard conversation can or will go smoothly.  Sometimes we overreact or let our feelings get the best of us.  We’re not expected to be perfect or unflinching when we’re hurting.  But staying open and accountable is how we get back in connection and show our love.  Remembering that the other person is taking a risk on behalf of the relationship can help reframe it as a positive. At least in the long run? (Hold that eye roll, please!)

The last two posts have been about starting conversations.  Now, let’s talk about deepening them.  Many people say they avoid social situations because they’re terrible at small talk.  Or they hate superficial conversations because they’re so…superficial.  Most of us prefer meaningful connections, but the truth is, we’re not sure how to create them.  It can feel awkward and daunting to shift from talking about the weather or sharing pleasantries to a conversation that really helps us get to know one another.  So today, I’ll review some things I’ve learned as a therapist that might help you go deeper in your personal exchanges.  While you may not be looking to reveal hidden truths or explore someone’s psyche, some of the same ideas can be applied to everyday interactions to create just that extra bit of meaning.

Often, in working with newer therapists, they’ll ask to consult with me when they feel stuck.  Although they‘ve seen a client for a while, the therapy doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  They can tell me a lot about the person’s  history and about what’s happening in the person’s life.  The client is coming every week and talking openly.  So I suggest we listen to a recording of the session to get a feel for what might be missing.  Alas, upon hearing the session, they’re a little surprised at how boring it is.  What I reflect to them is a common Supervisor refrain, “You were caught up in the content.”  

Sharing facts about a situation is only the beginning.  The juice comes in the form of the feelings around the facts.  What does it matter, how do they feel about it, and how does it relate to other things?  These are the “whys” behind the “whats.”  When people share their opinions, values, and feelings, we tend to be much more engaged and it feels more intimate.  But often we hesitate to share or ask about these things because it feels vulnerable.  We don’t want someone to feel we’re judging them or evaluating them when we ask about their motivations.

In fact, plainly asking about why someone did or didn’t do something is actually a little threatening.  In therapy terms we call it “ego assaultive.”  Asking “why” can put people on the defensive, as if they have to justify or explain themselves.  To avoid this, it helps to come at these deeper issues from a gentler direction.  Instead of “why,” we can ask “what.”  For example, instead of asking “Why did you switch your major to English?,” we can ask, “What was it about English that excited you?”  Instead of “Why did you move to the West Coast?” you can ask “What differences do you find between living on the East and West Coast?”

Getting people to talk about who they are, what they think, how they feel, and what is important to them are all paths to understanding and shared experience.  There are a host of ways to get beyond facts.  You can ask people about their opinions or preferences, you can ask about how they formed these opinions or preferences, what experiences they had that led them to it, or memories they may have that relate to it. When getting to this level, research shows that people find these encounters more enjoyable and much more memorable.

Of course, how you do this matters a lot.  Using a polite and curious tone of voice is important to establish that you are genuinely interested in their point of view.  Eye contact is also important to show your interest.  Nothing kills a conversation faster than someone who looks at their phone or seems disinterested in a response, even when they asked the question.  It’s also good to stay on the same topic, rather than jumping from topic to topic, as follow up questions creates depth over breadth.  A smile and a nod goes a long way to making people feel safe in opening up to you.  And watch the interruptions.  People tend to overestimate their listening skills.  When we’re excited about someone’s answer, we may cut them off to share our own story or opinion.  And along these lines, it’s okay to have a pause or a bit of silence.  It can allow for people to fully answer or follow up their initial thought. (Tolerating silence is a key skill for therapists.  It invites, ok, maybe forces, someone to dig deeper or reflect on their own thoughts or feelings).

It’s not that you shouldn’t share about your own experience, but make sure there’s reciprocity.  If you keep asking questions without sharing about yourself, it’ll feel like an interrogation.  Meaningful sharing involves a back and forth.  It keeps the conversation going and creates a mutuality that’s bonding.  It’s good to share some commentary or a brief story and then bounce it back to the other person with another question.  For example, if sharing about a difficult drive in the rain, ask the other person about how they feel about driving in the rain or if they’ve ever had a similar weather experience.

It’s amazing how you can feel the energy when a conversation has deepened.  It takes on a liveliness that feels different.  And, as I mentioned earlier, with my interns in training, they and the client feel it, too.  Once a therapist gets into the feelings and the motivations behind the stories, the work picks up.  A spontaneity and curiosity enters the room for both people.  Deepening conversations isn’t rocket science, but it does require us to pay closer attention and be purposeful, which should be our intent if we invite someone to connect with us.  It can take practice and a developed sense of timing, but it’s most always more of an adventure.  So take a deep breath, give them a smile, and dive right in!

Because you’re reading my blog, I have a special offer for you.  If I told you I’ve got an easy way to feel happier, improve your well being, that’s less effort than exercising, takes less time than eating healthy, and is really simple to add into your schedule, would you be interested in hearing about it?  Would you try it? Ok, then, here it is, simply put…chat up someone.  Even for just a minute or two.  It can be anyone – a stranger, a clerk at the grocery store, or someone at the dog park.  A series of studies is proving the positive benefits of these small encounters, the kind that have slipped away as we all tend to look at our phones as we go about our lives.  In today’s post I’ll share some common barriers to making these connections and some tips on how to start taking advantage of them.  

Established research on the power of social connections has long proven that social ties are powerful predictors of well being.  But this research focused on close relationships, with family and friends, referred to as strong-ties.  A more recent body of research on more casual, even fleeting interactions, known as weak-ties, is consistently showing links between brief everyday social interactions and reports of greater happiness. In his book, A Little More Social:  How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health and Connection,  Nicholas Epley shares  research showing that we consistently underestimate the benefits of connecting with others, which leads us to reach out less often than we should.  The less we do it, the more daunting it feels and the more hesitant we become.  Epley encourages us that “practicing to become a little more social is a surprisingly positive experience.  Even for an Introvert!”

Epley lists several assumptions we can challenge that get in the way of our social efforts.  One is an exaggerated sense of uncertainty as to how people will respond.  While we imagine it being awkward or being rejected, the truth is that humans are primed for reciprocity.  If we’re warm and interested, people will likely respond in the same way.  If we treat someone like a bother and ignore them, they will likely ignore us right back.  His research showed that over and over the response people received when reaching out was much less uncomfortable than they feared and more pleasant than they expected.  Another barrier is our critical thoughts about our own competence in making conversation.  The truth is, however, that other people are much less critical of our effort than we think.  Rather than evaluating what we say, others tend to be focused on our warmth and our interest in them.  The more we convince ourselves that it’s better to text someone or email, the less we get experience in engaging with other people, especially when hearing someone’s voice can really enhance people’s connection.  In a series of studies, Epley found that people who used voice based communication (phone and video) felt more connection with both friends and strangers, despite their expectation to the contrary.  The expectations lead people to avoid voice based communication and to miss out on the potential positive experience.

Ok, so are you ready to try it?  Does the idea bring up discomfort?  Start slow and build your confidence.  The easiest way to begin is simply by saying hello and smiling at someone.  Just by doing so, you create an openness to connection.  Making eye contact can be an invitation that you’re safe and willing to engage.  You can comment on the situation you find yourself sharing, such as the line at the store, or give someone a brief compliment, such as commending them for remembering to bring in bags at the grocery store.  Then follow it up with a simple question if you want to keep the conversation going.  Try to use a follow up to your first statement so it feels like a deepening of the conversation rather than an interview.  You might even self-disclose to make it mutual, such as asking them if they have a tip to help you remember your bags from your car, as you’d like to be better at it.

Ok, now are you ready to try it?  It doesn’t take a change in your personality to gain the well being in making these weak-tie connections.  Start by being a little more aware of easy opportunities to engage.  Leave your cell phone or earbuds out of reach and pay a little more attention to the people around you.  Experiment with how and when you engage with people and you’ll most likely notice the positive feelings that can come from not only seeing, but experiencing the world as a friendlier and more connected place.

I think back to the recent happy vibes all across New York City after the Knicks won the championship.  People described how the city seemed so friendly as everyone smiled and nodded when seeing another person in a Knicks jersey or t-shirt.  People opened up to share  about their favorite player or most nerve wracking moment or their excitement.  The Knicks became the ice breaker of all ice breakers.  It was considered  to be a magical time of community. So, now, from that experience, we can be inspired to make our own magic. Because, Lord knows, we don’t want to wait 53 years to have that joy again!

In my post a few weeks back I shared about the benefits of avoiding All or Nothing thinking.  “All or Something” allows us to be more flexible, less judgmental, and to actually stay on track for the long term.  Today, I offer another tool designed with a similar theme in mind.  An “Away/Towards List” is a way of thinking that can be used to make daily choices that we feel good about, both for the short term and the long term.  It helps us to avoid rigidity and to use our desired values rather than harsh judgment as motivators. 

The “Away/Towards” framework involves reflecting on our behaviors and characterizing them as either moving us toward something we value or moving us away from something painful or uncomfortable.  Instead of judging our actions as either “good” or “bad,” or “healthy” versus “not healthy,” this framework asks us to think about our behaviors in context – what is this behavior doing for us at the time we engage in it?  Is it moving me toward something I value or away from an uncomfortable internal experience?  Through this lens, we can get insight into the reasons for our behavior and offer ourselves some alternatives if needed.

A “toward” move is any action that brings us closer to our value, or something that matters to us.  These actions can be enjoyable, but they can also be effortful, uncomfortable, or imperfect.  Examples might be asking for a raise if we value financial stability, checking our blood pressure in order to support our health values, or putting down our phone when we begin doom scrolling to support our emotional health values.   An “away” move is usually about getting away from discomfort.  It offers a type of self protection or way to find relief.  But over time, it can pull us away from things we care about.  Away moves are often effective in the short term, but costly in the long run. Especially when we use them as primary coping, away moves distort or fend off feelings that can store up or come out in ways that interfere with living our desired values.  Canceling a health appointment because you’re anxious is an example of an away move, as is playing video games instead of calling to inquire about a job you’d like to apply for.  Both feel better in the now, but will move you away from your values of good health and fulfilling employment over time.

Ok, so you might be asking, how is categorizing actions into “toward” or “away” getting us away from binary thinking?  It’s all about awareness.  This framework invites naming what is happening without judgment and considering its context.  Noticing an away move doesn’t mean you automatically stop it or forbid it, it’s more about creating space and offering some compassion for what’s happening that is leading to the avoidance.  It encourages curiosity and emotionally aware thinking.  The categories of “away” and “toward” are less about the actions than about the movement (toward or away) and how these behaviors accumulate to impact and shape our lives over time.  It’s more like vector analysis, looking at the directions of forces in our lives to calculate where we end up.

Ok, so what if a behavior moves us toward some values and away from other desired values?  Life is complicated and full of conflicting values.  The “towards” and “away” framework can help us see how our conflicting values may be the source of what seems like “sabotaging” behavior.  Going out for pizza with friends may move us toward our values of community but away from our values of health in caring for our pre-diabetes. This is where awareness can be helpful and offer us ways to compromise and adapt.  When you’re faced with a choice, it helps to do a check in around whether your choice would move you toward, away, or a mix of both regarding your overall set of values. The Toward/Away Framework encourages us to be aware and mindful in our actions.  Most often there isn’t going to be a simple answer of one choice being the right thing to do for all values.  But by asking yourself to consider how your choices will impact them, you create a meta-awareness – a fuller sense of why you’re doing what you’re doing.  And with this awareness often comes a little more capacity to make intentional, values aligned choices. Even when things feel messy. This framework helps us get away from All or Nothing Thinking by understanding why behaviors make sense and approaching them with curiosity, compassion and intention.  We may notice that we’re engaging in an “away” move, but understand that it’s in response to feeling afraid and needing relief.  We can better appreciate our struggle in that moment and remind ourselves that we have choices in how to address it.

So, I can tell you that I was feeling a bit confused about how to end this post. Completing it is a value for me.  The confusion and frustration of writing out and deleting a few options was uncomfortable, however.  I chose to go check on my mini donkeys as a way of moving away from the discomfort of not knowing how to finish it.  But I did move toward the value of connecting with my animal friends.  They indeed distracted me and it was nice to brush them and pick some prickers from their coats.  And, as you’re reading, I am finishing this post.  It all worked out just fine.  So, actually, I’m now thinking of using the comfort of my minis to avoid the discomfort of finishing our taxes later today.  Something I’ve moved away from quite  frequently.  But at least I’m aware and better understand why our accountant has emailed us again.

I’ve been caught up in the fabulous New York Knicks play off run and how they continually overcame the odds and obstacles.  Not only has it been a very welcome distraction from the state of the world, but I even got to wear my 30 year old Patrick Ewing jersey!  But while most of New York reveled in the amazing success and accomplishment of the championship run, it’s easy to miss all the long hours, days, years of hard work that it took to allow the team to take advantage of the current opportunity.  I thank the Knicks for a good reminder of why the day after day long term grind is the key foundation to any great moment.

I love this quote by Jalen Brunsen, the team captain, who is credited with putting the team on his back whenever they were down.  When asked about how he keeps up the belief and energy being down as many as 29 points, he says:  My confidence comes from my work ethic.  Every time I had the ball, all I could think about is all the hours in the summer…making this a reality.  So, whenever I had the ball, I’m just thinking about just me alone in the gym.

Hard work is generally pretty lonely.  While we can be a part of a team, a family, a work place, or whatever context we engage in, no one can be inside our minds and bodies and know the challenges we face and the hardships we go through.  Staying motivated is a constant battle no matter the goal.  The pain, disappointment, exhaustion, and frustration have to be met with an antidote – purpose.  When we feel a sense of purpose in our day to day grind it helps to keep us going and gain a long term perspective.  The short term heartache is put into context for the gains of the long term anticipated success.

Another quote that comes to mind (one that I can’t find the source for, sorry) says:  “What if everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for?”  I love this shift in perspective, reframing roadblocks and setbacks as training.  It reminds us that we have no idea what’ll happen in the future, but we can rely on what we’ve learned and experienced as a guide.  Not only do we acquire skills and problem solving when we face challenges, but we also gain a perspective of appreciation and gratitude when we reach the goal or a better place.

Most of us don’t spend long hours alone in a gym shooting baskets and driving to the paint, but all of us have challenges we face day by day and year by year.  We all have responsibilities and duties that are underappreciated and exhaust us.  But one of the great wisdoms that comes as I get older is seeing that the fruit of people’s labor do most always come eventually.  You may not know when or how, but generally, hard work is rewarded in some form or another.  They may not be big splashy victories for all the world to see, but they may be just as significant in our own lives.  It may be handling a conflict in an admirable fashion, leaving a difficult situation, or stepping up to be there for someone else, but these are all wins!  A ticker tape parade may not be there to greet us, but we should celebrate our significant victories none the less.

Many of us are “All or Nothing” type of people: finish what you start, do it the right way, discipline is key. Generally it serves us well. Except when it doesn’t.  Sometimes rigidity can get in the way of maintaining progress toward a goal, as life may be too challenging for our strict adherence and uncompromising mindset.  When we polarize our choices into All or Nothing, we frequently end up with nothing.  That’s why I love the phrase “All or Something.”  Let me show you why.

Michelle Stegar, a behavioral scientist at the University of Michigan studied the effects of an all or nothing mindset on exercise and establishing long term fitness.  In her study, when subjects weren’t able to work out in the exact way they wanted, they often did nothing instead.  Dr. Stegar referred to it as the “perfect workout trap.”  It can really get in the way of people getting started, waiting for the stars to align to exercise in a specific way.  Or it can prevent people from maintaining a fitness routine when they find it too difficult to keep up a specific workout.  People often then blame themselves for being too lazy, too unmotivated, or too undisciplined.  In reality,  the answer is frequently not being more disciplined, but actually being more flexible.

“All or Nothing” mindsets are examples of what psychology defines as a cognitive distortion, specifically  referred to as  “All or Nothing Thinking” or “Black and White Thinking.”   It sorts the world into binary extremes, dichotomous opposites, eliminating shades of gray or more nuanced thinking.  It keeps you from seeing life the way it really is:  complex, uncertain, and constantly changing.  All or Nothing thinking doesn’t allow you to find a middle ground, which can be hard on relationships, self esteem, limit problem solving and decision making, and blocks possible coping skills.  Examples include labeling someone as totally unreliable because they canceled plans, thinking you will never get a job because you didn’t get the one you applied for, or if you feel anxious labeling yourself as a weak person.

Research on All of Nothing Thinking as a strategy reveals it actually undermines and sabotages long term goals.  It causes minor setbacks to trigger total abandonment of efforts.  Studies have looked at specific ways this can happen.  One is the “What the Hell” Effect, wherein when someone falls short of their ideal, they perceive the mistake as total failure and conclude that all is lost.  Rather than recalibrating, the distortion leads to getting rid of their goals entirely.  Another potential outcome of All of Nothing Thinking is the devaluation of small progress.  The achievement of smaller but beneficial steps toward a goal are seen as not living up to the gold standard and thought of as failure.  Studies also show that dichotomous thinking can lead to such high standards that it feels impossible to maintain.  This puts a lot of stress and the resulting fear of failure erodes self esteem, leads to burn out, and chronic stress.  Research on cognitive errors related to exercise show that strong adherence to black and white rules is directly associated with significantly lower rates of activity and adherence to long term behavioral changes.

Experts suggest addressing this common cognitive trap by redefining success as “beneficial” rather than “optimal.”  Even small steps toward a goal can be beneficial and lead to progress.  The “All Or Something” approach employs a “bend but don’t break” mentality.  It offers adaptability and flexibility that can keep you on track toward the goal while gaining the benefits of doing something rather than nothing along the way.  It supports us by giving us permission to develop contingency plans.  For example, when trying to stick to an exercise routine, if you can’t get to the gym, have a back up plan of walking around the neighborhood or doing a yoga class at home.  Rebranding these adaptations as successes rather than failures helps to keep momentum and a positive attitude..

Combatting the trap of All or Nothing thinking involves shifting your mindset to what you can do rather than what you can’t or didn’t do.  Rather than feeling failure or blaming yourself for being lazy or not disciplined enough, you can take pride in your creativity and stick-to-it-ness that keeps the effort sustained.  All or Something allows for the real world we live in to be managed and dealt with.  Think of your goals as a light you need to keep shining.  Why have an on/off only switch when you can have a dimmer dial?  One puts you in the dark while the other can be adjusted for just the light you need for the moment.

My last two posts have been about the effects of child abuse and breaking the cycles of trauma.  Before I move on from the topic of generational patterns, I wanted to broaden the focus to a more general view.  Because not all generational patterns are bad ones! There are, in fact, good patterns that can be passed down and these are worth becoming aware of as well.   A major part of becoming an adult is separating from our family of origin.  Through this process, we can decide what aspects of our family patterns we want to keep, what we want to let go of, and what we may want to transform to fit current times and circumstances.  

Remnants of our ancestry trickle down into our life experience both explicitly (being told and talked about) or implicitly (through observation and deduction).  We learn how the world works as it is passed down through lived experience, one generation to the next.  Our lives are the roadmap for the next generation.  Embedded in our lived experience are conditioned beliefs learned over time that influence our thoughts, behaviors, and perspectives.  These beliefs are formed through childhood interactions with parents, siblings, peers, and caregivers.  They affect a child’s perception of themselves and the world around them.  Praise, criticism, encouragement and punishment all contribute to a person’s understanding of what is valued and what’s unacceptable.  Society and culture also play a role in our conditioned beliefs, often influenced by the types of education, religion, media and institutions we’ve been exposed to by our family’s choices.

Beliefs are reinforced through repetition.  When a child repeatedly hears or experiences something, they’re more likely to internalize it and accept it as truth, even if it’s not based on objective evidence.  Families often have sayings or “mottos” that are so frequently spoken, they’re taken as truths – simply the way things are.  Confirmation bias, attending to information that only confirms a belief, further solidifies these beliefs.  Sayings like “The main thing is you tried” or “boys don‘t cry” are examples of this.  And then there are the unspoken manifestations of conditioned beliefs, reinforced by the reactions and responses, such as smiling at a child for being brave when they express a difference or withdrawing from a child in disappointment.

Children are masters at picking up cues of what is most important to a family.  Even in the face of contradictions.  A parent may say that their child’s education is the most important thing, but then be quick to allow the child to miss assignments or not study in order to play in a baseball game.  It’s so very hard as parents to be aware of all the messages our choices are sending!  Nevertheless, our values and the reinforcement of certain traits or behaviors has a big impact over time and with the repetition of our spoken and unspoken feedback.  

But, as we get older, one of our opportunities in becoming an adult is to become aware of the values and patterns that we have been raised in and decide which are helpful and which are not.  My family had a very strong value of education.  I so appreciate this now, as I had a lot of support and my parents showed great pride in my getting a doctorate.   Luckily, these values felt in alignment with who I was becoming.  Had I been a poor student or not interested in higher education, it would have felt differently.  But along with this came a certain amount of pressure and expectation, a conditioned belief that there was no other choice but to be academically successful.  There are always double edges to everything.  I knew I was loved, but I certainly carried a generational expectation of who I should be.  This has stuck with me as I’ve walked alongside my own children through their ups and downs of education.  The awareness of the impact of our generational pattern helped me to seek a balance of valuing education but not purely academic achievement (I hope my daughters felt that, anyway).

My parents did not intend for me to feel such pressure.  In fact, my father was able to rise out of poverty and took extreme pride in talking his way into an MIT graduate program, coming from a lesser college than many other students.  For him, educational excellence meant  opportunity and he wanted us to have it.  Some beliefs can be empowering and motivating and align with our personal goals and values.  But it’s so important for each of us to critically examine our conditioned beliefs and be open to new information and consider how these beliefs may be influencing our thoughts, actions, and overall well being.  We must ask ourselves, what are the beliefs I was raised with?  What of these beliefs are supportive of my life and what beliefs are limiting or not reflective of who I am or want to be?  Times change and we are very different people than others in our families.  And yet, the bonds of shared history are so very strong and important.  How can we best honor the traditions and values we were raised in and yet alter them to fit our own path in the world?

It’s fun sometimes to sit with my siblings and recall the sayings that my father or mother would throw at us.  Some seem silly and some raise an eyebrow as we think about what impact they had and what it demonstrated about how they were raised and the pressure they were under.  Breaking free from generational patterns does not mean throwing all the patterns out the window, but adapting them to be more mindful of the impact.  We can honor our families by holding on to the intentions that are behind the conditioning.  Most always in a parent’s reaction there is love mixed with fear, pride mixed with concern, and a desire to protect the child mixed with a need to protect themselves.  Developing an understanding of where and how our parents’ patterns came from and how they impacted us will help shape our own freedom in parenting the next generation.  As in, maybe I can support my daughters in being 49ers fans instead of Giants fans?  It’s hard, but I’m trying!!