There are times in life when we have to make really hard decisions, ones we know will hurt others or disrupt their lives significantly.  These forks in the road are inevitable and are painful for everyone involved.  Ending a marriage, leaving a job, laying off people we work closely with are all possible realities in living an adult life. These are heart aching choices we have to make and then have to implement.  But how you handle it can, and does, really affect how these painful situations will work out and how people will feel about them, and their lives, far into the future. 

Watching the events of the last few weeks, where our President made the decision to go to war, probably the most difficult decisions an official would have to make, has been a real lesson in hard decision leadership.  Whether you agree or disagree that the war with Iran was a correct decision, how he has implemented it has prompted an important conversation about the responsibilities that should come when we make tough choices that will greatly affect others. 

The first and most important way to implement hard change is by taking responsibility in the ways you can.  When you blame others, deflect from what’s real, and minimize the impact, this leads to distrust and a strong feeling of disrespect that lingers long after the particular event.  And the first step in taking responsibility is owning the decision within yourself.  Ambivalence is really normal when faced with hard decisions, but if we continue to deny our decision by see-sawing back and forth, we create chaos.  Others can’t move forward if we’re not clear about where we stand.  Even if that’s by sharing your uncertainty and being open about what you can be open about, this a way to empower other people.  To the extent that you can include them in the process and ask for input creates trust.

In taking responsibility, we need to anticipate the outcome of our decisions and the potential consequences.  We owe it to the people we lead and/or care about to demonstrate that we’ve treated their dedication to us with care.  I can’t tell you how many people I work with who, in avoiding a hard truth, act out in impulsive behavior.  If a woman is afraid to tell her husband she isn’t happy in their marriage and has an affair, the whole family will be hurt in the long run.  Being a parent, partner, boss, or friend all has its responsibilities.  We are connected through giving our trust and putting our faith in other people.  While we can’t always please them, we have a responsibility to consider their feelings and how our actions will land for them.  I firmly believe the more power we hold over someone, the more responsibility we have in making sure we use this power in a careful way that allows them to maintain their dignity and sense of trust in others , even when life gets challenging

Showing empathy is another way to handle difficult decisions in a responsible way.  Anticipating how someone will feel hurt or disappointed is important in showing that you’ve put yourself in their shoes and are understanding of their reaction, even if you may disagree on the decision itself.  By demonstrating this empathy, you hold a space for their perspective and acknowledge their reality.  When we become defensive or dismissive to protect ourselves from feeling the pain, shame, or discomfort of our decision, we take away the person’s chance to process and be validated in their fears or concerns. By using empathy we can also inform our choices in seeing the bigger picture, beyond how it may impact us.  Taking a dream job for us may not be so dreamy for the rest of our family if it means we’ll be gone a lot of the time. 

If you’ve ever been under the authority of someone you feel is only looking out for themselves, it’s scary!  The atmosphere becomes one of competition, paranoia, and distrust.  As a way to cope, people splinter into factions, withdraw, and act out in ways they feel will best protect themselves.  Cooperation goes out the door and secrecy becomes the norm.  Fear overtakes decision making and no one can put in their best effort.  It creates helplessness and hopelessness when we have to live with the consequences of choices we don’t trust were made with honorable interests at heart.

As a parent, there have been plenty of times I was unpopular with my daughters because I disagreed with them, told them no, or made them do things they didn’t want to do.  As a boss, I’ve had to adhere to rules or budget cuts I didn’t like or even agree with.  We all have to set boundaries and live within circumstances that are difficult.  But because of respect, empathy, and a sense of trust, our children, our employees, our fellow citizens forge ahead with us.  We weather a storm together and learn from the process.

Being elected to office means public service.  Making decisions with the lives of others at stake is a great responsibility. We, the people, put our faith in leaders to make decisions with care and consideration.  We can’t always agree with the decisions they make, but we can always expect and demand that these decisions be made with forethought, planning, and with empathy. And not with ego and wishful grandiose thinking.

I was on a trip last week and was using my phone quite a bit to take pictures. As I pointed my camera app and saw the option for filters, it got me thinking about how we all see the world through our own filters without even realizing it. In fact, we don’t ever actually see the world, we see our brain’s heavily edited and slightly distorted version of it. It’s as if we all walk around with our own custom filters permanently affixed to our eyeballs.  Being aware of how our perception of the world, both in what we see and how we interpret it, impacts our experience of it is an important area for us to be aware of.  It can help us understand ourselves better and may also offer an area to create some positive changes in our lives and relationships.

Because we all are unique in our physical make up and our history of experiences and culture, we naturally will see the world differently than others.  One of the most interesting psychological tests that I studied in graduate school was the Rorschach Inkblot test.  This is a fascinating projective assessment that actually relies less on what people see (the content) and more on how they see it.  There is a system for scoring each response based on several perceptual factors, such as which parts of the blot were used (whole or parts), determinants used such as shape, coloring, shading or movement, and how accurately the perception fits the image.  The responses are analyzed through a scoring system normed on thousands of people’s responses to reveal patterns in coping styles, personality traits, motivations, and both cognitive and emotional functioning. The power of this assessment is in revealing how a person perceives and uses the stimuli around them. Spoiler alert: The more we distort, the more we have problems. The more flexible we can be in how we perceive the world, the better we are at adapting to it.

Our personal filters are subjective and create our realities, including our biases.  There has been a lot of research on the various ways that we tend to experience biases.  One area is in how biases shape our cognitive and emotional realities. Some examples of this include selective attention, wherein your current mental state or need influences your prioritizing certain  information.  Noticing food when you’re hungry is a simple example.  Another is emotional coloring, when your emotions literally tint the world to be more positive when you are happy or dark when you are feeling sorrow.  Confirmation bias is the way in which we gravitate toward information that supports our pre-existing views and ignore information that is contrary to it.

Interestingly, your physical state can even change your perceptions.  Research shows that when you’re tired or carrying a heavy item, hills actually look bigger.  Our feelings about a person change the way we see them, making them more attractive or less.  Two people can witness the same interaction and “see” very different things, depending on their filter.  For example, a late text response can be seen by one person as evidence of someone being very busy and the other sees it as an insult.  Intentions are something we conclude very much based on our own filters of expectation or fears.  Naive realism refers to the bias of assuming that our own perception is objective truth.

The most important thing about acknowledging your filter is to make sure you aren’t creating self fulfilling prophecies.  If we see the world in a certain manner, we tend to react to it in that way, making it more likely.  If you assume something is too great a challenge, you are likely to give up, for example.  If you assume someone is a certain type of person, you will see their actions related to that way of thinking. Our filters often take the form of stories we tell ourselves to explain the world.  We can use these stories as ways to cope, ways to motivate ourselves, or ways to create empathy and connection if we are careful.  If we’re not careful, we can use our filters in blaming, making excuses, or projecting our fears into the world –  “She didn’t text me back because I’m unloveable.” “He’s from another country and can’t be trusted.”

One of the useful things that I often do with people I work with in therapy is to affirm the existence of filters.  In this way, we can see how a person may be living under the distorted influence of potential filters – “I always fail,” or “all men are,” etc.  Understanding that the reality we experience is a particular filter frees us up to change the way we look at the world and ourselves.  It’s also essential in having satisfying and successful connections.  Understanding our realities as a version of a filter allows us to be more understanding and accepting of others perspectives.  Rather than arguing over who is right or wrong, we can  shift to creating understanding.  Learning to see the world through someone else’s filter is a true act of love.

Seeing the world through other people’s filters can also be fun! It can expand your tastes and help you appreciate what you might not have appreciated before.  By seeing the world through a different filter, we can gain new perspectives and understandings.  You just might find joy in seeing things in a different way.  It certainly is a way to stay open and flexible. Have someone who loves food you wouldn’t try eat the food with you.  Listen to  music with someone who loves a different kind of genre than you do.  I will say that being somewhere new on my vacation was a great reminder about the benefits of travel in expanding our perceptions. It certainly reminds us that everyone sees the world through a different filter based on where we live and our common way of life there.  Seeing the world through the filters of an island taxi driver or boat captain was fascinating.  Unfortunately, not using the filter of a strong enough sunscreen was painful.