My younger daughter is getting ready to graduate high school and the empty nest has been on my mind.  It definitely will be a big change after having a child at home for 21 years (between my elder and younger).  As the time approaches for her departure, it seems that everyone has opinions about how to navigate the transition back to “couple.”  What stands out to me in this vast array of advice is a common theme of attitude and proactivity. As I reflect on how to apply this, it occurs to me how the same advice to couples could apply to strengthen any relationship at any point in time.  Whether with family or friends, my decisions to give people the benefit of the doubt or look for the ways they hurt me is really up to me.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, marriage expert John Gottman suggests that strong couples find “the glory” in their marriages.  Rather than denying the rocky times, they derive strength and meaning from the hardships they have survived and the doubts they worked through.  The way they tell their story is not with bitterness or blame, but in a way that reaffirms their faith in eachother and their partnership. And while these couples acknowledge that things went wrong, they are more forgiving and generalized about why they did.  Rather than focusing on their partner’s personality as being the source of the problem, they generalize it to an unfortunate incident. If you attack your partner’s character, you are more likely to stir a toxic judgmental dynamic as opposed to expressing a dissatisfaction with a forgivable mistake.  

And of course, just as in child rearing, praise and positive expressions are far more effective than criticism.  And a little can go a very long way. Research shows that non-verbal small expressions of love, such as an approving smile or even just leaning in toward someone, can have a powerful effect on reinforcing a sense of love and caring and help repair the chipping away of commitment that can happen over time.  It seems easier to notice what someone does wrong or forgets to do rather than what they regularly do. Habituation, or getting used to what is normal and predictable, has a natural way of making us take each other for granted.

And recently, someone reminded me of the Five Love Languages.  In the book by Gary Chapman, he outlines basic ways in which people tend to give love:  quality time; gifts; acts of service; words of affirmation; and physical touch. Each of us has a preferred way of receiving love, and in turn, it tends to be how we show it.  By identifying patterns in our relationships, we can identify and appreciate the ways that we are being given love that we may have not noticed. We may also learn how better to give love in a way that our partners need.

What I take away from these relationship building trends is the choices I have and the things I can do to enhance closeness.  Whether with my daughters before they leave, or after they are gone, with my brothers who I don’t see as much as I would like, or my co-workers who are stuck seeing me every day, relationships are living and evolving all around us all of the time.  It’s easy to get stuck in patterns and feel helpless and resentful, especially when we feel dependent on one another and vulnerable. It feels hopeful to me that we can, even with small gestures, change the way we feel in a relationship. So rather than just hoping for the best once my daughter flies off (literally, unfortunately, as she goes to Hanover New Hampshire) I can take deliberate actions to build on the connections I have both near and far away.

Ok, I must confess that when I was writing about procrastination in my last post, I was feeling a little high and mighty, as it is NOT my problem.  In fact, it is sooo not my problem because I do everything not only before the deadline, but as early as possible. But to my surprise while reading about procrastination, I learned that my being early habit,  just like procrastination, also represents a difficulty with emotional regulation, and has consequences of its own. So this week I humbly stand before you saying, “My name is Cynthia and I am a precrastinator.”

David Rosenbaum, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, published a study in 2014 in which he coined the phrase, “precrastination,”  which he defines as the tendency to tackle subgoals at the earliest opportunity, even at the expense of extra effort. More simply, it’s the inclination to complete tasks quickly, just for the sake of getting them done. Further research revealed certain characteristics about people who like to jump the gun.  Precrastinators are actually not impulsive. Rather they tend to be “highly rational and eager to show they’re worthy of responsibility, “ says Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist and professor at the Wharton School. He describes precrastination as a perversion of diligence. Precrastinators are so worried about running out of time, especially when people are depending on them, that they may sacrifice quality or efficiency just to reduce the stress of having something on their to do list.

When you have tasks to do, it creates tension.  You could could run out of time to complete the task, or forget about it.  The more a precrastinator has to do, the stronger the tendency to go for the low hanging fruit.  “What happens when you precrastinate is that your anxiety about making progress causes you to dive in headfirst as opposed to giving yourself time to consider your options,” Dr. Grant said.  Other symptoms of precrastination are familiar to me – paying a bill early rather than collecting interest income, answering e-mails immediately rather than carefully crafting a reply, or doing something only to have to redo it as you find out more information. (I have actually had to redo applications or have people tell me to resend things to them because circumstances changed or they could not find something because I sent it in too early.)

So what is a humble precrastinator to do?  Slow down, to start with. Just as in procrastination, learning to tolerate the discomfort of having something to do is the first step.  Also like the antidote to procrastination, planning things out is helpful. Evaluating tasks and prioritizing them is important. But the precrastinator has to think through the benefits of waiting rather than just the relief of having something done.  What information might be good to gather? What people might be good to consult? How might the tasks be done better if more time is taken?

And what about just enjoying the moment?  How much have I missed by not letting myself relax until I get things done?   While the procrastinator misses the deadline because he was doing more preferred things, I just may miss the more preferred things because I make the deadline!  Maybe a little procrastination is a healthy thing after all.

I must confess I am confused by people who procrastinate.  And if I am really honest, when these people are close to me, I am down right annoyed at times.  So to gain understanding and to hopefully be more supportive, I did a little reading about the psychology of procrastination.  It turns out that while most people procrastinate now and then, about 20% of people procrastinate in a habitual manner that has real consequences on mental health, not just on productivity.  So in this weeks post, I’ll touch on some of the research on procrastination and some tools that might help us all.

Most research on the mechanisms of procrastination have focused on the thought patterns associated with procrastination.  Ferrari, Johnson, and McCown identified what is known in Cognitive Behavioral Psychology as the major “cognitive distortions” (errors in thinking) that lead to procrastination:  overestimating how much time you have left to perform a task overestimating how motivated you will be in the future (assuming you’ll be more motivated at some future point); underestimating how long certain activities will take to complete; and mistakenly assuming that they need to be in the right frame of mind to work on a task.

But to  be honest, in my work and life experience with people who have trouble with procrastination, it doesn’t just seem like an error in thinking.  Every time it happens they would analyze the situation, come up with a conclusion, such as “I need to start earlier,” or “I need to map out the project so I won’t underestimate it,” but don’t seem able to change their pattern despite their determination.  In fact, they really suffer from the frustration with themselves and their broken promises when they fail to make what appeared to be simple habit changes. It seems like something else is going on.

Indeed, the researchers at Carleton University in Ottawa conclude that rather than being just a thought problem, procrastination is more of an emotional regulation problem.  In a recent study, Dr. Pychal and Dr. Sirios report that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short term mood repair…over the longer term pursuit of intended action.”  In other words, the need to avoid the emotions (anxiety, perfectionism, self doubt, etc.) that come with a task takes precedence over the need to complete the task. Mix this with a few rationalizations such as “I will have more energy later” and voila, you immediately feel better.

Studies have supported this hypothesis when comparing short and long term consequences.  For example, looking at students over a semester, procrastinators reported less illness and lower stress levels at the beginning of a semester.  However, by the end of the semester, this had changed dramatically wherein procrastinators had the highest levels of stress and illness. In addition, high procrastinators tend to experience problems in relationships.  By putting things off, the burden can be shifted to other people who depend on you, such as family, friends or co-workers. They can grow resentful and this creates a negative feedback loop to undermine your self esteem.

Imposed deadlines force the procrastinator to put aside the thoughts and feelings that paralyze them, as they reach the point of just having to get it done.  Unfortunately, research also shows the outcomes are not as good as if they had taken their time to put in their best effort. Ironically, many people who procrastinate are perfectionists.  The anxiety and pressure they feel in sitting down to write a paper, for example, is so overwhelming, they delay and distract from it. Then, with a fast approaching deadline, they are forced to just do it, as Nike would say.  And procrastinators have described that it helps their self esteem to think their performance problems might be a time management problem rather than having put in their best effort and come up short.

The hardest step in managing your procrastination tendency is to recognize when you are doing it, as procrastinators tend to avoid the pain of their procrastination by not thinking about that as well.  Experts in overcoming procrastination have certain suggestions. First, make an honest to do list, meaning making a list of all the things that need to get done and when they are due. Prioritize the most important tasks factoring in due dates and size of projects.  Then focus on the task that seems to have the most priority or that you have avoided the most. Ask yourself in a supportive, honest, and curious way about the emotions that emerge regarding the task – what are the fears, worries, self doubts that are unpleasant and make you want to avoid the tasks?  If these feelings are unmanageable, ask for help from someone you trust. Getting reassurance by talking out your emotions can be very helpful in moving you forward. Perhaps you can meet again with this person to check in on your progress?

Forgiving yourself for past procrastination is also important.  By thinking of procrastination as an emotional regulation problem, rather than a moral or personality flaw, you can work through the emotions that get in the way.  Studies show that increasing self forgiveness on a task reduced the negative emotions on a future task and reduced procrastination. And finally, give yourself a reward.  As in most learning scenarios, praise and rewards work much better than criticism and punishment. So pat yourself on the back, buy yourself a smoothie for a well deserved break, and chart out your accomplishments along the way.  Breaking tasks down into smaller pieces helps reduce overwhelm, and gives that many more opportunities for that amazing feeling of crossing something off the to do list.