The last two posts have been about starting conversations.  Now, let’s talk about deepening them.  Many people say they avoid social situations because they’re terrible at small talk.  Or they hate superficial conversations because they’re so…superficial.  Most of us prefer meaningful connections, but the truth is, we’re not sure how to create them.  It can feel awkward and daunting to shift from talking about the weather or sharing pleasantries to a conversation that really helps us get to know one another.  So today, I’ll review some things I’ve learned as a therapist that might help you go deeper in your personal exchanges.  While you may not be looking to reveal hidden truths or explore someone’s psyche, some of the same ideas can be applied to everyday interactions to create just that extra bit of meaning.

Often, in working with newer therapists, they’ll ask to consult with me when they feel stuck.  Although they‘ve seen a client for a while, the therapy doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  They can tell me a lot about the person’s  history and about what’s happening in the person’s life.  The client is coming every week and talking openly.  So I suggest we listen to a recording of the session to get a feel for what might be missing.  Alas, upon hearing the session, they’re a little surprised at how boring it is.  What I reflect to them is a common Supervisor refrain, “You were caught up in the content.”  

Sharing facts about a situation is only the beginning.  The juice comes in the form of the feelings around the facts.  What does it matter, how do they feel about it, and how does it relate to other things?  These are the “whys” behind the “whats.”  When people share their opinions, values, and feelings, we tend to be much more engaged and it feels more intimate.  But often we hesitate to share or ask about these things because it feels vulnerable.  We don’t want someone to feel we’re judging them or evaluating them when we ask about their motivations.

In fact, plainly asking about why someone did or didn’t do something is actually a little threatening.  In therapy terms we call it “ego assaultive.”  Asking “why” can put people on the defensive, as if they have to justify or explain themselves.  To avoid this, it helps to come at these deeper issues from a gentler direction.  Instead of “why,” we can ask “what.”  For example, instead of asking “Why did you switch your major to English?,” we can ask, “What was it about English that excited you?”  Instead of “Why did you move to the West Coast?” you can ask “What differences do you find between living on the East and West Coast?”

Getting people to talk about who they are, what they think, how they feel, and what is important to them are all paths to understanding and shared experience.  There are a host of ways to get beyond facts.  You can ask people about their opinions or preferences, you can ask about how they formed these opinions or preferences, what experiences they had that led them to it, or memories they may have that relate to it. When getting to this level, research shows that people find these encounters more enjoyable and much more memorable.

Of course, how you do this matters a lot.  Using a polite and curious tone of voice is important to establish that you are genuinely interested in their point of view.  Eye contact is also important to show your interest.  Nothing kills a conversation faster than someone who looks at their phone or seems disinterested in a response, even when they asked the question.  It’s also good to stay on the same topic, rather than jumping from topic to topic, as follow up questions creates depth over breadth.  A smile and a nod goes a long way to making people feel safe in opening up to you.  And watch the interruptions.  People tend to overestimate their listening skills.  When we’re excited about someone’s answer, we may cut them off to share our own story or opinion.  And along these lines, it’s okay to have a pause or a bit of silence.  It can allow for people to fully answer or follow up their initial thought. (Tolerating silence is a key skill for therapists.  It invites, ok, maybe forces, someone to dig deeper or reflect on their own thoughts or feelings).

It’s not that you shouldn’t share about your own experience, but make sure there’s reciprocity.  If you keep asking questions without sharing about yourself, it’ll feel like an interrogation.  Meaningful sharing involves a back and forth.  It keeps the conversation going and creates a mutuality that’s bonding.  It’s good to share some commentary or a brief story and then bounce it back to the other person with another question.  For example, if sharing about a difficult drive in the rain, ask the other person about how they feel about driving in the rain or if they’ve ever had a similar weather experience.

It’s amazing how you can feel the energy when a conversation has deepened.  It takes on a liveliness that feels different.  And, as I mentioned earlier, with my interns in training, they and the client feel it, too.  Once a therapist gets into the feelings and the motivations behind the stories, the work picks up.  A spontaneity and curiosity enters the room for both people.  Deepening conversations isn’t rocket science, but it does require us to pay closer attention and be purposeful, which should be our intent if we invite someone to connect with us.  It can take practice and a developed sense of timing, but it’s most always more of an adventure.  So take a deep breath, give them a smile, and dive right in!