I’m writing this post on Valentine’s Day, the holiday about love that’s turned into a day full of pressure for grand gestures and pricey gifting.  Not that I mind getting flowers or having a nice dinner (just a note to my husband), but in contrast, I thought I’d take some time to reflect on a very inexpensive but priceless expression of caring:  A good apology. Done well, it can be a most loving thing to do.  

Ironically, part of what got me thinking about this was the Houston Astros.  After being caught in a cheating scandal, they held a press conference to “apologize.”  The press was full of criticisms today about the unapology that was hidden in the apology.  Indeed, the apology backfired and made the public even more upset about what had happened. I think we all know what it’s like and how hurtful it is to have someone say “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” or “I’m sorry, but…”  An apology that seems more like a rationalization or drips with insincerity can truly make the pain even worse. Insult to injury, I suppose. To be truly effective with apologizing it takes a letting go of your ego. It means you must stop trying to be right and to completely put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  It’s so easy to tell when you’re apologizing to brush the issue under the rug (remember when you were a kid and your parents made you apologize to your sibling) or when you really want to make amends for something. Attitude is everything when you’re making an apology.  

So if your heart’s in the right place and you’re feeling ready, here are some tips based on research for what makes an effective apology (thanks to the researchers at the Greater Good Science Center):

-Acknowledgement.  Take responsibility and show that you recognize what you did and how it hurt.  Be as personal and specific as possible, taking ownership of what mistake you made.  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” rather than “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” “I am sorry that my comment was critical” rather than “I’m sorry for whatever I said.”

–Express your sorry feelings.  Part of why we avoid apologies is the shame or discomfort we feel.  But if you express these feelings, it lets the other person know it mattered to you and you are remorseful on a deep level.  “I’m embarrassed that I lost my temper and feel badly about it.”  

–Provide an explanation rather than an excuse.  Sometimes explaining what happened can show that it was not intentional and that you understand what happened in a way that you are fixing what went wrong.  Explanations that are defensive, or worse yet, put the blame on the person you hurt are not apologies. “You made me so mad,” is different from “I lost my temper.”

–Make amends.  As much as possible, repair what you can.  If you damaged something or lost something tangible, replace what you can.  For less tangible offenses, lay out a step or two that you will take to improve the situation and rebuild trust.  You might agree to call or text if you will be late if that has been a problem, or offer to share more information if a secret was kept. Make sure you ask the offended person what would be helpful to them, rather than doing something simply to relieve our own guilt.

And when you are offered an apology, remember that loving gestures go both ways.  Be gracious. If the person is trying and seems genuine, don’t hold a grudge or make them suffer as punishment.  It’s natural for it to take time to heal when someone hurts you, but giving the silent treatment or making snarky comments is passive aggressive.

And if anyone from the Houston Astros is listening, you can even apologize for a bad apology.  Sharing that you reflected more on a situation is a good thing. Life is a process and growth can take time.  Sometimes a little distance from a situation can give you a new perspective. Sharing this with someone can show them the situation has stayed with you as something you are learning from.  A gift of love such as this would be welcome any day of the year.