Being early January, many of us are in action-mode for our New Year’s resolutions.  We’ve neglected our self care routine, gained a few pounds, binged too many shows, and are now attempting a reset.  Along with it, if you’re like us, you’ve engaged in some pretty mean self-talk and have been harsh with yourself, thinking this is necessary to motivate change. So, for my first post this new year I think it might help to get back to basics.  Rather than beating yourself up, it’s time to switch your mindset from your “character” and how it lacks, to focus on your “habits” and how they can be changed.  To do so, I introduce you to the “Golden Rule of Habit Change”.

According to Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habit, every habit has three components:  a cue (or the trigger for the automatic habit to start), a routine (the behavior itself), and a reward (which is how our brain learns to remember this pattern for the future).  Changing your behavior is a matter of replacing the routine, or behavior, with a new one, while keeping the cue and the reward the same.  This is known as “habit reversal training.”  The first step is to identify the three components of the habit loop.  For instance the cue might be feeling stressed, the response may be biting your fingernails, and the reward is relief or distraction from the stress.  Next, you brainstorm for a new response that will replace the old one and initiate the reward.  For example, taking a quick walk around the house is a replacement for biting nails.  So the next time you get the urge to bite your nails, you go for a walk around the house and receive the relief of stress in a new way.  The cue is the same, the reward is the same, but the behavior is different.  Do this repeatedly, and, voila, a new habit has formed!

But it’s not that easy, right?  Of course not.  The problem is that habits are habits.  We do them in an automatic manner.  Usually we’re already doing the habit when we notice it, so it’s hard to replace!  This is where “awareness training” is key.  We need to be a detective to search for clues regarding the cues to the behavior so we can intervene before we engage in the behavior.  Focusing on what you experience, feel, or think before the habit takes some effort.  The more you can understand and be aware of what triggers the habitual behavior, the more power you will have to choose to do something different. 

“Most people’s habits have occurred for so long they don’t pay attention to what causes them anymore,” according to Brad Dufrene, a habit training therapist.  It helps to make a list of the usual situations in which you engage in the behavior.  Think about what may be common to these situations and how you may tend to feel at those times.  For example, when you’re bored waiting for something, when you’re upset about something and frustrated, etc.  Some therapists encourage making a habit journal for a period of time before you start to try to change the behavior to get more information about the triggers.  The better you can identify the cues and what reward you get out of the behavior in response to the cue, the easier it will be to swap out behavior habits.

Once you really understand your cue, the next step in our Golden Rule of Habit change process is to identify a “competing response.”  This is a behavior that can be done when you feel the urge/cue/trigger for the behavior and that will mimic the reward as best as possible for the outcome.  The more it is incompatible with the undesired old habit the better. For example, if you realize that biting your nails is a response to stress, and you notice a tingling sensation in your fingertips when you feel stress, then substituting a response such as rubbing your arm, putting your hands in your pocket, or picking up a fidget spinner might be a good response when you get that tingling sensation.  It prevents the nail biting by keeping your hands busy but responds to the physical cue of the fingers wanting to do something when you are stressed.  So the cues and the reward stay the same, but the behavior will change.

Once you find the competing response, do it over and over again.  You will have slip ups, but shift to the new behavior as quickly as you can when you catch yourself in the old behavior.  The deliberateness of the process helps to reprogram the brain until the new behavior is the habit.  Habit Reversal Therapy is now used to help people with verbal and physical tics, depression, obsessive compulsive behavior, smoking, gambling, and many other behavioral problems.  

Underlying the success of the Golden Rule of Behavior Change is the fundamental principle of habits.  Often we don’t really understand the craving or need being addressed by the habit, because the habit is doing its job to mask it with the reward!  So in taking the time to uncover the need or trigger your habit is serving, make sure you replace your habit with something also rewarding.  Think of some fun and silly behaviors that you would look forward to doing, like listening to a favorite old song, looking up a joke to share, or using a fun coloring book. Doing 10 push ups instead of eating a cookie is not going to produce the same response. You may get in better shape, but you may also feel punished instead of rewarded!

My grandparents had a chiming clock that I always associated with my love of visiting them in their NY home. I thought of them when I saw a sweet clock that, instead of a chime, had a little bird call at the top of every hour.  My brother was kind enough to get it for me for the holidays.  While I hoped I would like it, I never expected the level of joy it ‘s brought to my life!  Honestly, each hour when I see those doors open and that little guy emerge from his house to sing his tune, I smile.  Even hearing his song down the hallway makes me a little giddy and warms my heart.  What a lovely way to notice the hours of my day as they pass. It’s an endearing and consistent reminder that “little joys” can have a big impact. 

With the world feeling so overwhelming and out of our control right now, it helps to have a way to interrupt this negativity.  “Micro-joys,” as they are referred to, are a proven tool for stress reduction and can lead to a 25% increase in emotional wellbeing in just a week.  How, you ask, can such a little thing have these benefits?  Simple pleasures serve as mental “fuel stations” by replenishing positive energy.  They disrupt negative thought cycles and help to foster adaptability and mental flexibility.  These moments help regulate the central nervous system and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol.  People who consistently engage in noticing small positive moments report more life satisfaction in the long term.  Appreciating a cup of coffee or a sunrise shifts the focus from what is lacking to a sense of abundance and contentment.

According to joy researcher Barbara Frederickson, these micro-moments serve as a bridge to other positive emotions.  In her “Broaden and Build Theory,” positive emotions broaden an individual’s thought-action repertoire: “joy sparks the urge to play, interest sparks the urge to explore, contentment sparks the urge to savour and integrate.”  The broadened mindset in these positive experiences contrasts with a narrowed mindset associated with negative emotions, such as depression and anxiety.  This is the “Broaden” part of her theory.  The “Build” part of her theory occurs as a consequence of these broadened mindsets.  In positive moments we are more open to novel and creative actions, ideas, and social bonds, which in turn lead to an increase in people’s personal resources.  These resources serve as a reserve that can be drawn on later to improve the ability for successful coping.  Joy lessens the time spent in negative mood states and broadens our mindset, which leads to us building our resources for improved resilience when we need it.

Increasing our micro joy moments simply involves an attentional focus, which sounds easy but takes energy and effort.  Some examples may help.  There are sensory little joys such as smelling flowers, listening to music, or savoring a good meal.  There are social little joys such as smiling at a stranger, sharing a laugh, or a small act of kindness.  There are mindful small joys, such as taking a long look at something in nature while taking a breath, or watching ripples in a pond.  And active micro-joys include a brief dance party, changing up your routine, or sending a positive text to someone you love.

The hardest part of small joys is remembering to do them on a regular basis.  Some people develop rituals such as writing in a gratitude journal every day or taking a mental break to do something positive at certain times of the day, such as when they get in their car or get home from work.  And maybe that is what is so effective about my little bird clock.  It’s an hourly joyous ritual that just happens for me.  Maybe we can make chiming clocks that you can personalize for your own little joy!  For my brothers, a chime of the Giants scoring a game winning touchdown, for my daughter, her puppy barking happily, or for my husband, an inspirational shout out to reward his efforts.  Whatever you like to hear that brings a smile to your face, make sure you surround yourself with it on a regular basis in the New Year! Tweet tweet!

After my post about the joy I feel in receiving a package, someone (perhaps a tall man I’ve lived with for 30+ years) brought up the question of addiction.  If purchasing something on-line creates the release of chemicals in the reward center of my brain that feels so good I want to do more of it , could this be considered an addiction?  I’m glad you asked, Mr. Someone, as it’s an important point to consider. 

We can in fact, become addicted to behaviors.  Behavioral scientists are researching the similarities and differences between substance addictions and behavioral addictions.  Behavioral addictions can occur with any activity that’s capable of stimulating your brain’s reward system, according to their work.  Behaviors such as gambling, shopping, video gaming, or even exercise, which we think of as a healthy behavior, can be potentially addicting.  Knowing when our behavioral habits cross this line is an important perspective to be aware of, I would agree.

The DSM-5, the manual of official psychiatric diagnoses, only lists gambling addiction as a diagnosable behavioral addiction in the subsection of “non-substance-related disorders” in the category of “substance related and addictive disorders.”  But according to researchers, this is only because other behavioral addictions lack a body of research evidence at this time.  A growing body of literature is supporting the validity of other behavioral addictions, like phone addictions, shopping, and viewing pornography.  In fact, the research suggests that any activity or habit that becomes all consuming and negatively impacts your daily functioning can cause significant mental, social, and physical health issues, as well as financial issues, in many cases.

So if any behavior can become an addiction, how do I know when my actions cross the line from a habit into an addiction?  According to researcher Mathias Brand, PhD, the line between activity and addiction lies where an activity that is positive or neutral takes a decidedly negative turn.  There are some guidelines for behaviors that do not involve chemical substances scientists have outlined to use to evaluate your relationship to these behaviors and signs to watch out for.

The first sign is importance.  How important is this behavior to your sense of yourself and how you live your life?  How much are you not doing other things to engage in the behavior?  In other words, is it taking priority in a way that doesn’t seem appropriate?

Another sign is prevalence.  Do you find yourself doing it more often and for longer periods of time than you intended?  This is the never-enough feeling.  You have to keep doing it and don’t feel satisfied by just a little of it.

The reward feeling is another sign.  Does doing the behavior make you feel better, specifically, more in control?  Or more often the opposite, does it cause you distress when you’re not doing it?  One way to gauge how reliant you are on the behavior is to consider doing without it.  Your emotional and/or physical response may be very informative. The higher the level of panic or pain you anticipate can tell you a lot about your need for the behavior.  In addition, the level of pain or shame you feel for having engaged in the behavior or for someone finding out about your behavior is also very telling.

One of the biggest indicators of an addiction is the disruption it causes in your life and relationships.  We only have so much time and attention. Is your behavior causing you to neglect other people or tasks that are important in your life?  Have other people complained or requested you to limit this behavior? Research shows that often it’s the significant people in our lives who can best determine if we are addicted to a behavior or not.  We tend to fall back into patterns when we’re addicted, called “reverting.”  We say to our loved ones, and to ourselves, that we’re going to limit our behavior or stop it, only to be pulled into the pattern once again.  We explain away our broken promises with layers of rationales as to why we need to do it.   We tend to minimize the negative impact of our behavior and overvalue the positives.  

All these signs are indicative of a habit that is controlling you.  Absent an outside chemical or substance that’s involved, it’s a part of ourselves – an impulse, pleasure, anxiety, and/or preference – taking center stage in our judgements and decision making.  When we cross over into addictive behavior, we overprioritize the behavior and lose our ability to see the impact and consequences of it with clarity or to act on this awareness the way we know we should.  

Soooooo…what do I think?  Am I an addict?  I’m on the edge, if I’m honest. I get a little nervous at the thought of not shopping online for a period of time and probably minimize its impact on my budget and my time allocations.  But, I would also say that just because I enjoy something, doesn’t make it an addiction.  Fortunately, I don’t feel it controls me and I’m not feeling the need to hide it from anyone.  But it probably crosses the line sometimes when I get into a rabbit hole of scrolling through choices of purchases or get excited when an item goes on sale that I wasn’t even thinking about wanting or needing before I saw it.  

But the most telling thing is probably the little sense of emptiness I feel if something is not on its way to my doorstep.  It’s probably good that I’m becoming more aware of the line I’m walking and can put more attention to the role my love of packages arriving is playing in my life.  As I suppose the key to most things is balance and awareness.  Do I have other ways of finding joy and relieving stress?  Of feeling cared for and nurtured?  Can you become addicted to kissing a mini donkey?

As I mention every year in my posts around Thanksgiving, it’s my favorite holiday.  I love the fact that it gets me thinking about gratitude and all that I have in my life.  This year, for some reason, I’ve been feeling a great sense of gratitude for something that isn’t even a thing or a relationship. It’s a psychological tool very related and necessary for change:  the ability to think and reflect.   It truly is a remarkable ability that we all have available to us and something I tend to take for granted.  But truly, the capacity to step back from a  situation and self reflect is a precious gift that empowers us to shape our lives in ways that can be more fulfilling.

Sometimes when I spend time with my pets I’m a bit jealous of their universal state of being in the moment.  I don’t imagine them worrying about what they said or did or thinking about how they need to do better.  They react and respond with instinct and impulse, free from fretting about where next week’s hay is coming from (they have me to do that).  When I’m with them, the joy of being in the present is so clear to me as I stroke their necks and scratch their bellies. But they also don’t count down to their birthday, look forward to a vacation, or feel a sense of awe at the occasional rainbow that forms over their pasture.

Our unique human brain power is not just about being able to recall the past or anticipate the future, but we can evaluate it.  We can separate from our experience and consider it through our values and our intentions.  We can shift our perspectives if we want to look at something in a different way.  For example, I was lamenting with a coworker about the potential disasters that will affect healthcare and the people we serve.  My colleague smiled and said, “yes, but that’s exactly why we’re here.”  Wow.  It made me feel empowered and energized rather than discouraged and drained.  I had a skip in my step on the way to the clinic that day.  

Our ability to reframe and interpret a situation in various manners is truly a Superpower.  We have so much more control and can mold paths of opportunity out of roadblocks.  Our mindset can totally drive our mood, our judgement, and our behavior.  In that way, perhaps it is the key ingredient to resilience.  Reflection helps us understand ourselves, our relationships, and gives us the opportunity to grow.   And being such a powerful tool, we have to be careful with it.  We can become too analytic or self critical if we overthink and allow ourselves to blend it with harsh judgment. 

Self reflection should help us clarify our values and compare how our choices align with these values. We then have a chance to adjust in order to stay on the intended path.  And with this, it gives us the chance to feel regret and take action on this.  A good apology is not a weakness, but a wonderful chance to shape our relationships to fit our intentions.  Self reflection, rather than tie us down, should give us freedom.  We can reconsider and look at things from differing angles and interpretations.

I am lucky enough to witness it most every day in my work.  At first, people are reluctant to go inside and turn over the burdens that feel so heavy to examine them more closely.  But as they do, they gain insight and awareness that leads to a shift in their feelings and frees them from a sense of helplessness.  They literally say things like, “I feel so much lighter,” or “I understand now” with a smile.  It’s so miraculous, actually, how with just some time and purposeful attention, a shift in our thinking can have such an impact.

What a lucky thing we have this powerful tool at our disposal.  Sometimes it takes a little training to be able to use it, and sometimes we need a little guidance to apply it skillfully, but it’s in our tool box all of the time. And we don’t even need to be near an electric outlet or need a charged battery to engage it. Self reflection, in fact, more than any possible tool you could find at Home Depot or on Amazon, can truly give us the ability to build bridges and tear down walls.  Now that’s some beautiful home improvement!

I must admit, there are times when I use this blog as a confessional.  (Ok, now I’m confessing to confessing).  I write about something on my mind that I’m working through or noticing about myself.  It gives me a chance to think about it, do a little research, and decide if I’m uniquely crazy or if others are going through something similar.  Lately, I’ve been noticing the joy I feel in having a package arrive at my doorstep.  I’ve always known myself to enjoy shopping, especially shoes, purses and jewelry, but what I’m noticing is a bit different.  It’s the pleasure in anticipating something coming and then receiving it.  It can be shampoo or even a toy for my pets.  Something about getting something delivered floats my boat!

Am I crazy?  Materially oriented?  Selfish?  Probably all of these, to some extent.  But I’m relieved to report I’m not alone.  According to a survey of over 1,000 people published in October of 2025, 79% of people say they get packages daily, 64% are men! And 55% of people report feeling happy and 51% of people report feeling excited when the delivery arrives.  Less than 10% of people report feeling regret or remorse.  Although the most common motivations for ordering online include “convenience”, “stress”, and “habit”, I’m a little skeptical these descriptions paint the entire picture of the experience.  These motivations seem so ordinary, not the kind of behavior that leads to an experience of happiness or excitement, for heaven’s sake!  

For sure it’s much easier to tap a few computer keys to get my shampoo that I can’t just get at a grocery store.  It saves me the hassle and gas of driving to a salon.  And yes, the selection is much better online.  I can get the Athleta shirt I love to hike in, even when there is no Athleta in any nearby town.  But these conveniences are experiences that bring me satisfaction.  Where does the tingly sense of happiness or excitement come in when it arrives?

It turns out, it’s the dopamine.  According to several scientific sources, the joy in receiving something delivered is a psychological phenomenon. The experience of anticipation drives the brain’s reward system combined with the tactile experience and sense of connection you experience when you open it.  Even if you know what the package is, the timing of the delivery and the act of opening the package provides an unexpected burst of novelty and surprise.  Unexpected positive events trigger strong emotional responses in our brain pleasure centers through the release of dopamine. And when the item arrives, a small boost in our reward center is initiated based on a sense of pride in accomplishing a goal.

Now that makes sense to me.  I do feel a bit of a rush when I open the door to find a box sitting waiting for me  on my porch.  But I would add one more element to this overall picture based on my own internal reflection and I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I feel taken care of.  My days are hectic, my to do lists are long, and my time is limited. I’m often busy being responsible for people and pets, and, as an adult, I must take care of myself.  There is a little part of me that feels nurtured when something I need or want arrives at my door. Perhaps a little girl part of me feels like I’ve been given a present, or at least a little gift of a helping hand.  It might explain my desire to furiously thank every delivery person who makes it up our hill and to the top of our steps!!  I feel gratitude that something I want or need has just been brought right to me without my having to go out and get it.  (“For me?  Why thank you!  Just what I wanted”).  And as I suspected, gratitude not only releases dopamine in the reward centers of the brain, it also stimulates the release of serotonin, our feel good brain chemical.  

So, the next time I feel giddy seeing the Fed Ex truck roll up the driveway, I can embrace the feeling.  It’s a natural high!  As long as I’m not going overboard with my shopping, I can let myself feel the pleasure of getting given something I ordered.  Because I always have to remember, these are earned items.  They may feel like gifts, but they are far from free!

Like a good NJ girl, I went to see the biopic about Bruce Springsteen opening weekend.  I was curious about the movie’s focus on the period of his life in which he wrote and recorded the album Nebraska, when he was suffering from intense depression. Although I’m not a movie critic, I can share that I really enjoyed the movie, not only because of my beloved Bruce, but because of its raw depiction of the experience of his depression – how it developed, how it affected him, and how he worked his way through it.  It’s a rare, and I think brave, peak behind the show curtains of a profoundly talented artist and performer.  As a big Bruce fan, I’m touched by all he’d been through, but as a mental health professional, I’m even more grateful for his candid portrayal of his pain and his receptivity to getting treatment.  I can only hope it will help others, especially young men, to identify their depression and empower them to understand and work through it.

One in four people are likely to be diagnosed with depression.  While more women than men receive a diagnosis of depression, there is a large gender disparity in how depression manifests in women and men that is thought to explain the difference.  Women tend to exhibit more “classic” symptoms, like sadness, guilt, and worthlessness, while men tend to externalize their distress through anger, irritability, risky behavior, or substance abuse.  Women are socialized in a way that often can help them identify their distress and reach out to others for support.  Traditionally, men are socialized to be stoic and are not taught how to interpret or recognize their emotions, which makes it more difficult for them to label their need for help and to ask for it.  In several studies, when “male-type symptoms” were added to the criteria, the differences in the rates of depression between men and women were eliminated.

In the movie, we see how a young Bruce is shaped by his father’s mental illness and abuse and his mother’s over-reliance on him.  He’s pulled into the role of protector and is exposed to feelings and situations far more complicated than a child can handle.  He has no one to talk to about it and is confused by the swirling of anger, love, fear and loyalty to his family.  He uses his music to channel the build up of his pain.  In time, he becomes so burdened by his anger and guilt, he withdraws from relationships, puts himself in risky situations, and begins to implode from the weight of his distress (classic depressive symptoms in men). We see how a sensitive child struggles in transitioning into manhood/adulthood amidst such a chaotic environment.  As Bruce Springsteen describes in a follow up interview, “Mental illness ran through my family.  These were the people that I loved.  But no one got any help whatsoever. There was no medication.  There was no interactions with any psychological help.  And so, everybody just suffered through it.”  Springsteen credits his manager for saving his life after the release of his album Nebraska, identifying his depression and setting him up with a therapist.  He shares about being in therapy for ten years and his episode after Nebraska as being the “first” of his “breakdowns.”

Deliver Me from Nowhere is a movie about Bruce Springsteen, but more so, a study of coming of age in a state of fragile manhood.  I think it couldn’t be more timely or necessary as we watch the epidemic of isolation and loneliness of our young people combined with a resurgence of toxic masculinity.  How does a young man make sense of his anger and intensity?  How does he channel the emotion or release the tension?  Where does he turn if no one will listen or understand or if the people he loves are the source of his stress?  How does he express his fear and vulnerability?  His grief and disappointment?  So much of the work I do with young men and adult men in therapy is to translate their anger into understanding the sadness underlying it.  Being sad is hard in our male culture.  It requires feeling helpless, vulnerable, and even powerless.  But it’s a large part of the human experience and of the repercussions of growing up and taking risks and making mistakes.  Or of being dependent or in need of others.  All important consequences of and elements to being in connection and living with intimacy.  

In the movie, after sharing with his manager that he is lost and doesn’t know how to go on, Bruce meets with his therapist for the first time.  The young man, so gifted with his words and his story telling, is so overwhelmed he can’t speak.  Slowly, the tears start coming and the path to healing begins. 

This past week my husband and I went to Pt Reyes National Seashore and stayed at the very same campground, Sky Camp, that we had stayed at over 30 years ago, the very first time I had come to visit him in California.  The occasion was our 30th wedding anniversary. We realized we hadn’t been back there, just the two of us, for a very long time.  We were both amazed by the rush of nostalgia and the layers of memories that flooded us.  We were moved by the passing of an entire family lifecycle that had happened between these two points in time.  We had wed, birthed two children, raised two children (school year by school year), built a home, pursued and experienced two careers,  sent our girls off to college, launched two young adults, watched our parents age and buried my two parents, together. As we traversed the very same camp site, spot  #01, there was something very tender for us in recognizing how we had changed.  The flexible bodies and naive minds of the young couple we were, who barely knew each other, had now become the aching bodies and experienced minds of the well known to each other, older adults, we are now. 

Earlier that week, on the exact night of our anniversary, we had gone out to dinner to celebrate.  It was a lovely dinner, but a dinner. It didn’t stimulate the intense perspective of our weekend trip.  There was something about being in the place we were at the time of our early connection that was so powerful.  The complete sensory context was enveloping.  The smells of the pines and the cypress, the ocean air, the setting sun over the ocean, the echoes of the bird calls and the climb up the hill to the campground recreated an experience of long ago, but in our current day form.  Something about the overlap of a new experience overtop the old memory was profound.  A timewarp of sorts, cradling an entire family birth, growth, and passing ons.

I feel so grateful for this emotional surprise.  There’ve been times I’ve returned to a place I enjoyed hoping to relive the magic and am disappointed.  I plan a whole trip around having the fun I had in the past, but it’s not the same.  And maybe that’s the lesson.  It’s not the same, it can never be the same.  If you go back to a place you’ve been, you’re bringing “current you” and “current you”’s life.  But if you go back with the intention of honoring something about the place that was special for you, yet expecting to create a new experience there, you are building on the past.  We weren’t going to Sky Camp to relive what we had done, but to honor it.

The literal meaning of milestone is a stone placed beside a road to show the distance to a particular destination. These stones give you a perspective as to how far you’ve come.  They serve as benchmarks for distances traveled and the time and effort it’s taken to get there.  Traveling to celebrate our milestone was a fortuitous coming together of our intention and our effort that set up the possibility for a little unexpected magic. It created the emotional and physical opportunity to stop and appreciate where we’ve been and how far we’ve come.  It was also a good perspective as to what we have left.  As my husband pointed out, we won’t be coming back again in another 30 years.  Perhaps we should go again a little sooner.

In my last post I shared about the importance of a thoughtful goodbye.  It was inspired by leaving a rewarding job after 11 years and doing my best to stay present throughout the leaving process.  This past week, as I moved into my new role, I’m facing a fresh set of challenges.   Having had the role of the “expert” in my old job, it’s indeed pretty humbling to become a “beginner” again. I’m anxious, clueless, and constantly having to ask for help.  I feel foolish and like I’m a burden.  So, in order to help support myself, I decided to ask the “expert” me what advice she would give the “beginner” me.  Indeed, thank goodness, my expert self came through.  She advised me to do a little refresher course in the Zen concept of the “beginner mind.” It’s an idea frequently shared with those who are feeling uncertain in a transition.

A “beginner’s mind” is a Zen teaching that represents a particular attitude.  It doesn’t actually refer to being a beginner, but having the mindset of a beginner who’s free from pre-conceived ideas and biases.  Without prior judgments and expectations,  a person is open and eager to see everything as if for the first time.  According to the Zen teacher Shunruyu Suzuki, open-mindedness can foster the development of new skills, better decision making, and great empathy.  On the other hand, an outlook of all knowingness (like an expert) can be quite limiting.  It’s not that prior experience should be negated, but reapplied so that the uniqueness of each situation can be appreciated.  

A beginner’s mind can free us up to learn and allow us to be surprised by what unfolds.  It’s natural to prefer to feel in the know and so we tend to engage in confirmation bias.  We look for evidence to support what we already believe and are comfortable with.  Our preexisting belief shapes what and how we see the world around us.  In fact, studies show that perceived expertise can create illusions of competence and an unrealistic expectation for our base of knowledge.  Using “non-knowing” as a tool can help us let go of the need to be right which can trap us into having to pretend or insist that we’re right.  With an open mind we can see people in a new light or a problem to be solved in a whole new way.  In fact, studies have shown that a beginner’s mind can be a useful approach to finding answers.  For example, studies have repeatedly shown that medical practitioners using a beginner’s mind line of questioning form better relationships with patients and are able to gather information they wouldn’t normally ask about. Simply through listening with more curiosity and openness they more often learned some bit of information that led to a successful diagnosis.  

Looking at the world through a child’s curiosity can also lead to more playfulness and the ability to stay present rather than evaluating yourself while doing something.  With a beginner’s mindset, a person can let go of the fears of being wrong and explore options with interest.  It’s a way to put one’s ego aside and utilize prior knowledge in an expansive rather than limiting way. Often people become weighted down by anxiety and stress related to doing a difficult task.  Knowing how hard it is can actually get in the way!  Letting go of preconceived notions of how things “should be” or how you “should be performing” is a great weight off one’s shoulders.  Research also shows the use of a beginner’s mind as an antidote to burn out.

As for myself, it would help a lot to let go of my own expectations.  Soon enough I’ll know how to accurately document in the new record system, be able to fill out my timesheets, and to learn the nuances of a new work culture and patient population.  One way or another, I’ll get there, so why not enjoy the experience of being a beginner?  We literally only do something for the very first time once, so why not let go of the pressure, and give myself a  fresh opportunity each time? By the 48th time of beginning, I just may get close! 

I’m leaving my job after almost 11 years.  I feel excited by the vision of a new work chapter looming over the horizon,  but in my current path, there are a heck of a lot of good-byes to be done.  It’s hard to stay in the pain of separation, but I also know how important it is to do this well.

Most all of us have had significantly bad good byes – being abandoned, someone minimizing the impact, not giving us the opportunity for closure.  The term “ghosting” tells it all. It leaves us in a haze not knowing what happened or why.  A properly done goodbye allows us to accept what is happening and find closure where possible.  It also serves as an inoculation against the fear of bad separations in the future. 

The impact of a goodbye affects both people in a relationship.  For the person doing the leaving, a thoughtful goodbye is linked to positive emotions and helps with an easier transition for the next phase of life.  It reduces regrets of having things you wish you’d said and gives you peace of mind that you allowed the other person the opportunity to express what they were wanting or needing to say.  For the person staying, a mindful goodbye helps them process their own feelings, provides a space for support and to find solace together which is a step in healing from loss.  Goodbyes involve sharing memories, laughter, tears, and honoring the relationship and its meaning.  It gives the people in a relationship the chance to acknowledge the energy put into creating and maintaining the connection.  Even if an ending is painful, such as a break up or an unplanned ending, a good bye allows for a beginning to the process of psychological closure, making peace with and making sense of what was, in order to move forward.  

Despite the importance of thoughtful goodbyes, it’s hard to confront the complex feelings directly and so most people avoid it. Ironically, this is often more painful in the long run!  To help promote a positive experience in a farewell, it helps to acknowledge that leaving or being left involves a lot of mixed feelings.  It can help to prepare and in some cases to plan a ritual to help support the process.  This could include a gathering, attending an event together, or simply planning a series of informal get togethers. Think about what you want to say and what questions you may have now or anticipate having in the future.  Think about how you would, or if you would, like to stay in touch.  It’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings even for someone you really love.  Loss can bring anger, hurt, fear, and even relief.

It’s also helpful to think about timing.  Sometimes we don’t have the option to give the proper notice we’d like, but if at all possible, it’s vital to give goodbyes proper attention, especially if it’s involving a significant relationship.  People will have differing reactions, but also across time, one person’s feelings will change.  Most people go through a grieving process, often in the form of denial, anger, sadness and acceptance.  As the one doing the leaving it’s important to accept the range of feelings as a testament to the relationship’s importance.  Often, to make ourselves feel better or reduce our guilt, we minimize our significance and the impact of the loss because it feels awful to hurt someone.  Because of how emotional good endings can be, they are exhausting. 

As I am doing my best to show up for people in my leaving process, it helps to remind myself that engaging in a complete good bye is actually a great gift to someone you care about. It offers them a chance to hear you share what they have meant to you and to reflect on how you both have changed as a result of your connection.  And equally, it gives them a chance to express to you what you have meant to them.  It’s important to be a gracious receiver of these sentiments.  How you end a relationship will have a long term effect on how the relationship is remembered.  By doing it well, you can continue to grow the trust and intimacy that was created.  

It is so cliche to say, but true, that goodbyes are a part of everyday life.  And each farewell or separation is unique.  Sometimes they’re temporary and sometimes they’re permanent.  Pay attention to the reality of the moment and its significance.  The heartache is a reflection of the power of the intimacy.  I, myself, am working hard to stay open to the range of emotions I have as I pass through the threshold of this place in my life.  I remind myself that the pain of loss is inverse to the depth of connection. As such, the pain truly symbolizes love.  

In the past 10 years I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to love and be loved.  To learn and to teach.  To grow and to change.  To witness others grow and change and to be honored in having a role in that process.  I have trusted and been trusted, disappointed and been disappointed.  Of great importance is having been afforded the gracious opportunity for repairs.  My last therapeutic offering for myself and the people I work with is to part ways with great presence and to allow myself to feel and express my profound and everlasting gratitude.  I have truly become a better clinician and better human being as a result of all of these daily connections. They were created while I was there, but will endure well beyond my parting.

I was enjoying myself at a Labor Day BBQ, chatting with an interesting man.  He was a successful business executive, dedicated to running a large company for many years.  But as we were sharing about our lives, he said something to his wife referencing their horoscope. They had stayed longer at the BBQ than they had intended, given their reading for the day suggested they should have a quiet day at home.  My eyebrows raised and my interest was definitely piqued.  Your horoscope?  “Oh, yes,” he replied, telling me how he checks the horoscopes from the SF Chronicle for himself and his wife every day.  He’s been doing this for years.

Interesting, I thought.  People sure do surprise you.  He seemed like such a man of logic and practicality, reason and fact.  I had to pursue it.  “May I ask you about your connection to your horoscope?”  His reply really spoke to me.  “Of course,” he said, with a look of great sincerity, “It reminds me that not everything is in my control.”

I’ve thought about this ever since then, the dance we all do with our sense of being in charge of our lives and the vulnerability we feel when we’re not.  We all like to feel we’re in control, but it can also be a burden. We have to carry the stress of our decisions and the weight of our power.  There is, in fact, a relief at letting go, and recognizing the powerful influences of all the forces we can’t control. But there is also great vulnerability in this, an uncertainty that is hard to tolerate.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

We all have to find a way to manage this tricky balance.  Some people use religion and find great comfort in the idea that God has a plan for them.  Other people use rituals, some might even say superstitions.  I have a tendency to hold my breath going through tunnels and make a wish. I also make sure to attach a desire to each sighting of a shooting star.  Ever watch an athlete about to compete?  They often look like someone having a seizure, going through twitches of motions that need to be done in order to perform their best.  

History shows that people become more interested in astrology during tumultuous times, with interest rising during the Great Depression in the 1930s as well as in Germany before the two world wars.  There was even a boom in interest during the pandemic. Research suggests the use of astrology helps people make sense of things during times when life feels complex.  It’s such a fundamental human need to want to feel we have a source of wisdom, advice, and/or something or someone beyond ourselves who is watching out for us.

Who doesn’t want a way to make order or sense of the world when life feels so unpredictable?  Why not lean on something that provides a bit of insight into the mystery of the universe?  And even when my head tells me that there is no rational way to explain how my eating the same food during a NY Giants game will lead to victory, I like thinking I’m helping out the team.  It’s something I can do and a way to be a part of the action.  Or maybe it’s just an excuse to eat nachos. Either way, it feels like it improves my chances for a good result, even if that’s just some chips and yummy melted cheese.  And, who knows, maybe that man at the BBQ was using his horoscope as an excuse to stop talking to me?  Either way, it serves him well.