Halloween offers the opportunity to dress up and pretend to be someone we’re not, just for the fun of it.  But what we don’t realize is that each of us in our daily lives also pretend to be someone we’re not. So I thought this would be a good week to write about the psychological concept of “the mask” and how we may use it both for our benefit and, at times, with considerable cost.

When we’re little we learn to mask our authentic self in order to please our parents and be compliant.  We avoid being shamed, scolded, rejected, or even hit by adopting a presentation of ourselves that is in line with what we feel is needed or expected.  Depending how strong the pressure from our family or community, we may get the message that our true self is not lovable or acceptable.  We become alienated from our authentic self, which can really interfere with our ability for true intimacy.  We wear our “good girl” mask or our “boys don’t cry” mask that covers over what we really feel and need.   Emotions that we tend to conceal are anger, disgust, anxiety, embarrassment, and sadness; all emotions that show and share our vulnerability, which is the foundation for real intimacy.

When we’re able to shed our masks, we come to learn that our true selves are indeed acceptable and our uniqueness is something to be cherished.  It frees up energy used to defend and cover ourselves to actually know ourselves and others better.  We also become more trustworthy because who we present to the world is more consistent with who we really are.

Once we become conscious of our masks, we can choose to use them when needed.  There are times when it helps to reach into our bag of disguises to fake-it-till-we-make-it.  It can be quite useful to have the “good mother” mask when we’re tired and have lost our patience.  And having the “tough as nails” mask or even the “be nice to authority” mask at hand can get us through some rough moments and difficult circumstances where we need to comply in order to persevere.

So as you parade around in costume this year, it might be fun to ask yourself what masks you will put down when the day is over and what masks might tend to stay.  Or maybe there is a new mask you can consider for a situation in which you need it.  Whatever masks you live with, what is important is to be able to distinguish the mask from who you really are underneath it.