One of the most frequent Foolish Phrases is “Yes, but…”  It’s pure manipulation and deflection.  You agree to the other person’s point, but then completely shift to a justification or rationalization in a way that takes away from the person’s point.  Especially when a “yes”  is followed by “but you…”  It’s defensive and leads to a back and forth of accusations.  Instead, when someone is expressing a concern, do your best to take a deep breath before you respond.  When you say “yes” follow it up by reflecting your partner’s words and feelings instead of an immediate deflection of what they are trying to share with you.  Once they feel you understand and own it, they’ll be more open to hearing an explanation of your perspective.

Another Foolish Phrase that only leads to trouble is “You’re just like…”  Nobody likes to be told they’re just like someone else (unless it’s a comparison to Alicia Keys or Albert Einstein).  But telling someone “you’re just like your Father” or just like someone you both know is problematic is inflammatory.  It adds a whole new layer to a disagreement and leads to someone feeling put down and unsafe.  You’ve just used information you know about their family or past painful experiences against them.  Do your best to avoid comparisons and stick to the moment between the two of you at hand.  Another variation, “I wish you were more like…” is just another way of belittling someone by using a comparison to trigger jealousy and disrespect, with “I never had this problem in other relationships,” being equally unhelpful.

And then there is a category of Foolish Phrases that are responses, but in fact are just dismissals.  One of the most common phrases is “calm down.”  Has anyone ever felt better when someone tells them to “calm down”?  It almost always has the opposite effect, making the other person feel the need to prove that something is upsetting.  “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’re overreacting” are both Foolish Phrase variations of calm down that are really ways of negatively judging another person’s experience.  And how many times have I heard, “You’re too sensitive” and felt a murderous rage?  We can’t know or be the judge of how a situation is experienced by someone.  Instead, try saying “tell me why that’s upsetting” or “what do you need right now?”  Join the person in a helpful way rather than shutting them down.

And finally, our lesson in Foolish Phrases can’t be complete without the mention of the “you always” and “you never” phrases. These expressions are exaggerations or overgeneralizations meant to emphasize a point, but usually lead to the other person feeling discounted and harshly judged, painted with an unforgiving brush.  Most often it’s not a good idea to bring up the past during a current conflict.  If you’re feeling a pattern emerge you’d like to address, wait until you are both calm and can see a bigger picture that’s more accurate and fair.

Foolish Phrases are so tempting, though!  They tend to be right on the tip of our tongue and come out of our lips with such satisfying intensity.  But that’s just the problem.  Foolish phrases are usually pure reactionary responses. They serve as protection when we feel attacked or feel shame or guilt at being called out for having done something that hurt a person we care about.  They tend to be deflective habits we’ve all gotten into.  So, as such, when you find yourself saying one of these phrases, use it as a flag to become aware of your defensiveness.  It’s never too late to back up and rephrase or acknowledge your reactivity.  Being curious about your response and being accountable is the wise thing to do.   Because only Fools keep doing what they know is foolish.