As I mention every year in my posts around Thanksgiving, it’s my favorite holiday.  I love the fact that it gets me thinking about gratitude and all that I have in my life.  This year, for some reason, I’ve been feeling a great sense of gratitude for something that isn’t even a thing or a relationship. It’s a psychological tool very related and necessary for change:  the ability to think and reflect.   It truly is a remarkable ability that we all have available to us and something I tend to take for granted.  But truly, the capacity to step back from a  situation and self reflect is a precious gift that empowers us to shape our lives in ways that can be more fulfilling.

Sometimes when I spend time with my pets I’m a bit jealous of their universal state of being in the moment.  I don’t imagine them worrying about what they said or did or thinking about how they need to do better.  They react and respond with instinct and impulse, free from fretting about where next week’s hay is coming from (they have me to do that).  When I’m with them, the joy of being in the present is so clear to me as I stroke their necks and scratch their bellies. But they also don’t count down to their birthday, look forward to a vacation, or feel a sense of awe at the occasional rainbow that forms over their pasture.

Our unique human brain power is not just about being able to recall the past or anticipate the future, but we can evaluate it.  We can separate from our experience and consider it through our values and our intentions.  We can shift our perspectives if we want to look at something in a different way.  For example, I was lamenting with a coworker about the potential disasters that will affect healthcare and the people we serve.  My colleague smiled and said, “yes, but that’s exactly why we’re here.”  Wow.  It made me feel empowered and energized rather than discouraged and drained.  I had a skip in my step on the way to the clinic that day.  

Our ability to reframe and interpret a situation in various manners is truly a Superpower.  We have so much more control and can mold paths of opportunity out of roadblocks.  Our mindset can totally drive our mood, our judgement, and our behavior.  In that way, perhaps it is the key ingredient to resilience.  Reflection helps us understand ourselves, our relationships, and gives us the opportunity to grow.   And being such a powerful tool, we have to be careful with it.  We can become too analytic or self critical if we overthink and allow ourselves to blend it with harsh judgment. 

Self reflection should help us clarify our values and compare how our choices align with these values. We then have a chance to adjust in order to stay on the intended path.  And with this, it gives us the chance to feel regret and take action on this.  A good apology is not a weakness, but a wonderful chance to shape our relationships to fit our intentions.  Self reflection, rather than tie us down, should give us freedom.  We can reconsider and look at things from differing angles and interpretations.

I am lucky enough to witness it most every day in my work.  At first, people are reluctant to go inside and turn over the burdens that feel so heavy to examine them more closely.  But as they do, they gain insight and awareness that leads to a shift in their feelings and frees them from a sense of helplessness.  They literally say things like, “I feel so much lighter,” or “I understand now” with a smile.  It’s so miraculous, actually, how with just some time and purposeful attention, a shift in our thinking can have such an impact.

What a lucky thing we have this powerful tool at our disposal.  Sometimes it takes a little training to be able to use it, and sometimes we need a little guidance to apply it skillfully, but it’s in our tool box all of the time. And we don’t even need to be near an electric outlet or need a charged battery to engage it. Self reflection, in fact, more than any possible tool you could find at Home Depot or on Amazon, can truly give us the ability to build bridges and tear down walls.  Now that’s some beautiful home improvement!

I must admit, there are times when I use this blog as a confessional.  (Ok, now I’m confessing to confessing).  I write about something on my mind that I’m working through or noticing about myself.  It gives me a chance to think about it, do a little research, and decide if I’m uniquely crazy or if others are going through something similar.  Lately, I’ve been noticing the joy I feel in having a package arrive at my doorstep.  I’ve always known myself to enjoy shopping, especially shoes, purses and jewelry, but what I’m noticing is a bit different.  It’s the pleasure in anticipating something coming and then receiving it.  It can be shampoo or even a toy for my pets.  Something about getting something delivered floats my boat!

Am I crazy?  Materially oriented?  Selfish?  Probably all of these, to some extent.  But I’m relieved to report I’m not alone.  According to a survey of over 1,000 people published in October of 2025, 79% of people say they get packages daily, 64% are men! And 55% of people report feeling happy and 51% of people report feeling excited when the delivery arrives.  Less than 10% of people report feeling regret or remorse.  Although the most common motivations for ordering online include “convenience”, “stress”, and “habit”, I’m a little skeptical these descriptions paint the entire picture of the experience.  These motivations seem so ordinary, not the kind of behavior that leads to an experience of happiness or excitement, for heaven’s sake!  

For sure it’s much easier to tap a few computer keys to get my shampoo that I can’t just get at a grocery store.  It saves me the hassle and gas of driving to a salon.  And yes, the selection is much better online.  I can get the Athleta shirt I love to hike in, even when there is no Athleta in any nearby town.  But these conveniences are experiences that bring me satisfaction.  Where does the tingly sense of happiness or excitement come in when it arrives?

It turns out, it’s the dopamine.  According to several scientific sources, the joy in receiving something delivered is a psychological phenomenon. The experience of anticipation drives the brain’s reward system combined with the tactile experience and sense of connection you experience when you open it.  Even if you know what the package is, the timing of the delivery and the act of opening the package provides an unexpected burst of novelty and surprise.  Unexpected positive events trigger strong emotional responses in our brain pleasure centers through the release of dopamine. And when the item arrives, a small boost in our reward center is initiated based on a sense of pride in accomplishing a goal.

Now that makes sense to me.  I do feel a bit of a rush when I open the door to find a box sitting waiting for me  on my porch.  But I would add one more element to this overall picture based on my own internal reflection and I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I feel taken care of.  My days are hectic, my to do lists are long, and my time is limited. I’m often busy being responsible for people and pets, and, as an adult, I must take care of myself.  There is a little part of me that feels nurtured when something I need or want arrives at my door. Perhaps a little girl part of me feels like I’ve been given a present, or at least a little gift of a helping hand.  It might explain my desire to furiously thank every delivery person who makes it up our hill and to the top of our steps!!  I feel gratitude that something I want or need has just been brought right to me without my having to go out and get it.  (“For me?  Why thank you!  Just what I wanted”).  And as I suspected, gratitude not only releases dopamine in the reward centers of the brain, it also stimulates the release of serotonin, our feel good brain chemical.  

So, the next time I feel giddy seeing the Fed Ex truck roll up the driveway, I can embrace the feeling.  It’s a natural high!  As long as I’m not going overboard with my shopping, I can let myself feel the pleasure of getting given something I ordered.  Because I always have to remember, these are earned items.  They may feel like gifts, but they are far from free!

Like a good NJ girl, I went to see the biopic about Bruce Springsteen opening weekend.  I was curious about the movie’s focus on the period of his life in which he wrote and recorded the album Nebraska, when he was suffering from intense depression. Although I’m not a movie critic, I can share that I really enjoyed the movie, not only because of my beloved Bruce, but because of its raw depiction of the experience of his depression – how it developed, how it affected him, and how he worked his way through it.  It’s a rare, and I think brave, peak behind the show curtains of a profoundly talented artist and performer.  As a big Bruce fan, I’m touched by all he’d been through, but as a mental health professional, I’m even more grateful for his candid portrayal of his pain and his receptivity to getting treatment.  I can only hope it will help others, especially young men, to identify their depression and empower them to understand and work through it.

One in four people are likely to be diagnosed with depression.  While more women than men receive a diagnosis of depression, there is a large gender disparity in how depression manifests in women and men that is thought to explain the difference.  Women tend to exhibit more “classic” symptoms, like sadness, guilt, and worthlessness, while men tend to externalize their distress through anger, irritability, risky behavior, or substance abuse.  Women are socialized in a way that often can help them identify their distress and reach out to others for support.  Traditionally, men are socialized to be stoic and are not taught how to interpret or recognize their emotions, which makes it more difficult for them to label their need for help and to ask for it.  In several studies, when “male-type symptoms” were added to the criteria, the differences in the rates of depression between men and women were eliminated.

In the movie, we see how a young Bruce is shaped by his father’s mental illness and abuse and his mother’s over-reliance on him.  He’s pulled into the role of protector and is exposed to feelings and situations far more complicated than a child can handle.  He has no one to talk to about it and is confused by the swirling of anger, love, fear and loyalty to his family.  He uses his music to channel the build up of his pain.  In time, he becomes so burdened by his anger and guilt, he withdraws from relationships, puts himself in risky situations, and begins to implode from the weight of his distress (classic depressive symptoms in men). We see how a sensitive child struggles in transitioning into manhood/adulthood amidst such a chaotic environment.  As Bruce Springsteen describes in a follow up interview, “Mental illness ran through my family.  These were the people that I loved.  But no one got any help whatsoever. There was no medication.  There was no interactions with any psychological help.  And so, everybody just suffered through it.”  Springsteen credits his manager for saving his life after the release of his album Nebraska, identifying his depression and setting him up with a therapist.  He shares about being in therapy for ten years and his episode after Nebraska as being the “first” of his “breakdowns.”

Deliver Me from Nowhere is a movie about Bruce Springsteen, but more so, a study of coming of age in a state of fragile manhood.  I think it couldn’t be more timely or necessary as we watch the epidemic of isolation and loneliness of our young people combined with a resurgence of toxic masculinity.  How does a young man make sense of his anger and intensity?  How does he channel the emotion or release the tension?  Where does he turn if no one will listen or understand or if the people he loves are the source of his stress?  How does he express his fear and vulnerability?  His grief and disappointment?  So much of the work I do with young men and adult men in therapy is to translate their anger into understanding the sadness underlying it.  Being sad is hard in our male culture.  It requires feeling helpless, vulnerable, and even powerless.  But it’s a large part of the human experience and of the repercussions of growing up and taking risks and making mistakes.  Or of being dependent or in need of others.  All important consequences of and elements to being in connection and living with intimacy.  

In the movie, after sharing with his manager that he is lost and doesn’t know how to go on, Bruce meets with his therapist for the first time.  The young man, so gifted with his words and his story telling, is so overwhelmed he can’t speak.  Slowly, the tears start coming and the path to healing begins. 

This past week my husband and I went to Pt Reyes National Seashore and stayed at the very same campground, Sky Camp, that we had stayed at over 30 years ago, the very first time I had come to visit him in California.  The occasion was our 30th wedding anniversary. We realized we hadn’t been back there, just the two of us, for a very long time.  We were both amazed by the rush of nostalgia and the layers of memories that flooded us.  We were moved by the passing of an entire family lifecycle that had happened between these two points in time.  We had wed, birthed two children, raised two children (school year by school year), built a home, pursued and experienced two careers,  sent our girls off to college, launched two young adults, watched our parents age and buried my two parents, together. As we traversed the very same camp site, spot  #01, there was something very tender for us in recognizing how we had changed.  The flexible bodies and naive minds of the young couple we were, who barely knew each other, had now become the aching bodies and experienced minds of the well known to each other, older adults, we are now. 

Earlier that week, on the exact night of our anniversary, we had gone out to dinner to celebrate.  It was a lovely dinner, but a dinner. It didn’t stimulate the intense perspective of our weekend trip.  There was something about being in the place we were at the time of our early connection that was so powerful.  The complete sensory context was enveloping.  The smells of the pines and the cypress, the ocean air, the setting sun over the ocean, the echoes of the bird calls and the climb up the hill to the campground recreated an experience of long ago, but in our current day form.  Something about the overlap of a new experience overtop the old memory was profound.  A timewarp of sorts, cradling an entire family birth, growth, and passing ons.

I feel so grateful for this emotional surprise.  There’ve been times I’ve returned to a place I enjoyed hoping to relive the magic and am disappointed.  I plan a whole trip around having the fun I had in the past, but it’s not the same.  And maybe that’s the lesson.  It’s not the same, it can never be the same.  If you go back to a place you’ve been, you’re bringing “current you” and “current you”’s life.  But if you go back with the intention of honoring something about the place that was special for you, yet expecting to create a new experience there, you are building on the past.  We weren’t going to Sky Camp to relive what we had done, but to honor it.

The literal meaning of milestone is a stone placed beside a road to show the distance to a particular destination. These stones give you a perspective as to how far you’ve come.  They serve as benchmarks for distances traveled and the time and effort it’s taken to get there.  Traveling to celebrate our milestone was a fortuitous coming together of our intention and our effort that set up the possibility for a little unexpected magic. It created the emotional and physical opportunity to stop and appreciate where we’ve been and how far we’ve come.  It was also a good perspective as to what we have left.  As my husband pointed out, we won’t be coming back again in another 30 years.  Perhaps we should go again a little sooner.

In my last post I shared about the importance of a thoughtful goodbye.  It was inspired by leaving a rewarding job after 11 years and doing my best to stay present throughout the leaving process.  This past week, as I moved into my new role, I’m facing a fresh set of challenges.   Having had the role of the “expert” in my old job, it’s indeed pretty humbling to become a “beginner” again. I’m anxious, clueless, and constantly having to ask for help.  I feel foolish and like I’m a burden.  So, in order to help support myself, I decided to ask the “expert” me what advice she would give the “beginner” me.  Indeed, thank goodness, my expert self came through.  She advised me to do a little refresher course in the Zen concept of the “beginner mind.” It’s an idea frequently shared with those who are feeling uncertain in a transition.

A “beginner’s mind” is a Zen teaching that represents a particular attitude.  It doesn’t actually refer to being a beginner, but having the mindset of a beginner who’s free from pre-conceived ideas and biases.  Without prior judgments and expectations,  a person is open and eager to see everything as if for the first time.  According to the Zen teacher Shunruyu Suzuki, open-mindedness can foster the development of new skills, better decision making, and great empathy.  On the other hand, an outlook of all knowingness (like an expert) can be quite limiting.  It’s not that prior experience should be negated, but reapplied so that the uniqueness of each situation can be appreciated.  

A beginner’s mind can free us up to learn and allow us to be surprised by what unfolds.  It’s natural to prefer to feel in the know and so we tend to engage in confirmation bias.  We look for evidence to support what we already believe and are comfortable with.  Our preexisting belief shapes what and how we see the world around us.  In fact, studies show that perceived expertise can create illusions of competence and an unrealistic expectation for our base of knowledge.  Using “non-knowing” as a tool can help us let go of the need to be right which can trap us into having to pretend or insist that we’re right.  With an open mind we can see people in a new light or a problem to be solved in a whole new way.  In fact, studies have shown that a beginner’s mind can be a useful approach to finding answers.  For example, studies have repeatedly shown that medical practitioners using a beginner’s mind line of questioning form better relationships with patients and are able to gather information they wouldn’t normally ask about. Simply through listening with more curiosity and openness they more often learned some bit of information that led to a successful diagnosis.  

Looking at the world through a child’s curiosity can also lead to more playfulness and the ability to stay present rather than evaluating yourself while doing something.  With a beginner’s mindset, a person can let go of the fears of being wrong and explore options with interest.  It’s a way to put one’s ego aside and utilize prior knowledge in an expansive rather than limiting way. Often people become weighted down by anxiety and stress related to doing a difficult task.  Knowing how hard it is can actually get in the way!  Letting go of preconceived notions of how things “should be” or how you “should be performing” is a great weight off one’s shoulders.  Research also shows the use of a beginner’s mind as an antidote to burn out.

As for myself, it would help a lot to let go of my own expectations.  Soon enough I’ll know how to accurately document in the new record system, be able to fill out my timesheets, and to learn the nuances of a new work culture and patient population.  One way or another, I’ll get there, so why not enjoy the experience of being a beginner?  We literally only do something for the very first time once, so why not let go of the pressure, and give myself a  fresh opportunity each time? By the 48th time of beginning, I just may get close! 

I’m leaving my job after almost 11 years.  I feel excited by the vision of a new work chapter looming over the horizon,  but in my current path, there are a heck of a lot of good-byes to be done.  It’s hard to stay in the pain of separation, but I also know how important it is to do this well.

Most all of us have had significantly bad good byes – being abandoned, someone minimizing the impact, not giving us the opportunity for closure.  The term “ghosting” tells it all. It leaves us in a haze not knowing what happened or why.  A properly done goodbye allows us to accept what is happening and find closure where possible.  It also serves as an inoculation against the fear of bad separations in the future. 

The impact of a goodbye affects both people in a relationship.  For the person doing the leaving, a thoughtful goodbye is linked to positive emotions and helps with an easier transition for the next phase of life.  It reduces regrets of having things you wish you’d said and gives you peace of mind that you allowed the other person the opportunity to express what they were wanting or needing to say.  For the person staying, a mindful goodbye helps them process their own feelings, provides a space for support and to find solace together which is a step in healing from loss.  Goodbyes involve sharing memories, laughter, tears, and honoring the relationship and its meaning.  It gives the people in a relationship the chance to acknowledge the energy put into creating and maintaining the connection.  Even if an ending is painful, such as a break up or an unplanned ending, a good bye allows for a beginning to the process of psychological closure, making peace with and making sense of what was, in order to move forward.  

Despite the importance of thoughtful goodbyes, it’s hard to confront the complex feelings directly and so most people avoid it. Ironically, this is often more painful in the long run!  To help promote a positive experience in a farewell, it helps to acknowledge that leaving or being left involves a lot of mixed feelings.  It can help to prepare and in some cases to plan a ritual to help support the process.  This could include a gathering, attending an event together, or simply planning a series of informal get togethers. Think about what you want to say and what questions you may have now or anticipate having in the future.  Think about how you would, or if you would, like to stay in touch.  It’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings even for someone you really love.  Loss can bring anger, hurt, fear, and even relief.

It’s also helpful to think about timing.  Sometimes we don’t have the option to give the proper notice we’d like, but if at all possible, it’s vital to give goodbyes proper attention, especially if it’s involving a significant relationship.  People will have differing reactions, but also across time, one person’s feelings will change.  Most people go through a grieving process, often in the form of denial, anger, sadness and acceptance.  As the one doing the leaving it’s important to accept the range of feelings as a testament to the relationship’s importance.  Often, to make ourselves feel better or reduce our guilt, we minimize our significance and the impact of the loss because it feels awful to hurt someone.  Because of how emotional good endings can be, they are exhausting. 

As I am doing my best to show up for people in my leaving process, it helps to remind myself that engaging in a complete good bye is actually a great gift to someone you care about. It offers them a chance to hear you share what they have meant to you and to reflect on how you both have changed as a result of your connection.  And equally, it gives them a chance to express to you what you have meant to them.  It’s important to be a gracious receiver of these sentiments.  How you end a relationship will have a long term effect on how the relationship is remembered.  By doing it well, you can continue to grow the trust and intimacy that was created.  

It is so cliche to say, but true, that goodbyes are a part of everyday life.  And each farewell or separation is unique.  Sometimes they’re temporary and sometimes they’re permanent.  Pay attention to the reality of the moment and its significance.  The heartache is a reflection of the power of the intimacy.  I, myself, am working hard to stay open to the range of emotions I have as I pass through the threshold of this place in my life.  I remind myself that the pain of loss is inverse to the depth of connection. As such, the pain truly symbolizes love.  

In the past 10 years I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to love and be loved.  To learn and to teach.  To grow and to change.  To witness others grow and change and to be honored in having a role in that process.  I have trusted and been trusted, disappointed and been disappointed.  Of great importance is having been afforded the gracious opportunity for repairs.  My last therapeutic offering for myself and the people I work with is to part ways with great presence and to allow myself to feel and express my profound and everlasting gratitude.  I have truly become a better clinician and better human being as a result of all of these daily connections. They were created while I was there, but will endure well beyond my parting.

I was enjoying myself at a Labor Day BBQ, chatting with an interesting man.  He was a successful business executive, dedicated to running a large company for many years.  But as we were sharing about our lives, he said something to his wife referencing their horoscope. They had stayed longer at the BBQ than they had intended, given their reading for the day suggested they should have a quiet day at home.  My eyebrows raised and my interest was definitely piqued.  Your horoscope?  “Oh, yes,” he replied, telling me how he checks the horoscopes from the SF Chronicle for himself and his wife every day.  He’s been doing this for years.

Interesting, I thought.  People sure do surprise you.  He seemed like such a man of logic and practicality, reason and fact.  I had to pursue it.  “May I ask you about your connection to your horoscope?”  His reply really spoke to me.  “Of course,” he said, with a look of great sincerity, “It reminds me that not everything is in my control.”

I’ve thought about this ever since then, the dance we all do with our sense of being in charge of our lives and the vulnerability we feel when we’re not.  We all like to feel we’re in control, but it can also be a burden. We have to carry the stress of our decisions and the weight of our power.  There is, in fact, a relief at letting go, and recognizing the powerful influences of all the forces we can’t control. But there is also great vulnerability in this, an uncertainty that is hard to tolerate.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

We all have to find a way to manage this tricky balance.  Some people use religion and find great comfort in the idea that God has a plan for them.  Other people use rituals, some might even say superstitions.  I have a tendency to hold my breath going through tunnels and make a wish. I also make sure to attach a desire to each sighting of a shooting star.  Ever watch an athlete about to compete?  They often look like someone having a seizure, going through twitches of motions that need to be done in order to perform their best.  

History shows that people become more interested in astrology during tumultuous times, with interest rising during the Great Depression in the 1930s as well as in Germany before the two world wars.  There was even a boom in interest during the pandemic. Research suggests the use of astrology helps people make sense of things during times when life feels complex.  It’s such a fundamental human need to want to feel we have a source of wisdom, advice, and/or something or someone beyond ourselves who is watching out for us.

Who doesn’t want a way to make order or sense of the world when life feels so unpredictable?  Why not lean on something that provides a bit of insight into the mystery of the universe?  And even when my head tells me that there is no rational way to explain how my eating the same food during a NY Giants game will lead to victory, I like thinking I’m helping out the team.  It’s something I can do and a way to be a part of the action.  Or maybe it’s just an excuse to eat nachos. Either way, it feels like it improves my chances for a good result, even if that’s just some chips and yummy melted cheese.  And, who knows, maybe that man at the BBQ was using his horoscope as an excuse to stop talking to me?  Either way, it serves him well.

Ok, so this may be a bit of a strange one, but please hang in there with me. It’s a mind stretch, but one that got me thinking. 

I recently came back from an amazing trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. Thank you so much to my sister-in-law Rosa who planned and hosted this amazing experience.  For an animal/nature lover, it was truly an exceptional adventure.  And as I had the magical opportunity to walk among sea lions stretched out sleeping on the beach, iguanas piled up in large numbers to gather warmth, and giant tortoises munching on grass, I was so struck by how peaceful they were.  It was their land and we were the guests.  We had a required guide who made sure we didn’t intrude or bother them.  And as we learned the way that these animals and birds have evolved and thrived, the main point was that due to the isolation of the island (and more recently the protections of the government) these animals were free of predators.  They could be who they were and live so peacefully with their environment all because they did not have to worry about their safety.

So what has stayed with me since returning home to my job and my life is this:  Who would I be if I didn’t have any predators?  The ones that threaten me from without, but also, the predator that lives within me?

Maslow, the famous psychologist, in his hierarchy of needs, put safety as one of the foundational needs, only food, water and air coming before it.  He recognizes that we cannot “move up” the chain of other needs, establishing love, belonging, esteem and self actualization if we do not feel safe. Depending on our life circumstances, we may have to worry about crime, deportation, or domestic violence.  Or losing our rights, our employment, our housing, or our health.  These predators preoccupy us and maintaining safety from these threats become the necessary focus of our lives.  

And then there are the predators from within, the critical voices in our head that limit our freedoms.  Often the result of an internalization of external predators (angry parent, school yard bully, mean teacher that made us feel bad), we have a chorus of inner voices that shame and berate us; that doubt our abilities and limit our sense of opportunity.  These internal predators hold us back from trying new things, from taking risks, and from reaching for things we may dream of because of predicted failure and harsh judgments of any efforts to try.  These internal voices also reflect societal pressures and unhealthy cultural norms or unrealistic expectations that lead us to hide our true self away.  

So I ask myself, with a little bit of humor, is that momma sea lion laying on the beach sleeping soundly in the sun worried about looking fat?  Not to say she has no worries, mothering her pup, needing to fish. But overall she is relatively safe and free to live her sea lion life. The blue footed boobies that make their nests on the ground, we walk right by them, they show no fear of us in their space.  Again, it’s not that they don’t have to compete for a partner and protect their eggs, but they are free and able to live their best bird lives. The iguanas and tortoises are relaxed and free to be who they are meant to be. 

So I challenge you to ask yourself and play with the idea – who would I be if I had no predators?  Without any threats, how would I be different?  Feeling safe, how could I be more of who I was meant to be?

In my last post I mentioned the importance of asking questions for making good conversation.  This simple act made a huge difference in how people were perceived in terms of their likeability.  It was also rated highly by the asker in terms of an easy thing to do to improve their conversational skills.  So today, I thought I would give a little more attention to question asking, as it really is a phenomenal tool for making connections with people.  But as in all things, there is a bit of nuance to know in order to help you reap the benefits in your next conversations.

Truly connecting with people involves making them feel valued, heard and worth listening to.  Questions are a great way to make this happen.  Questions can encourage active listening and create more interactive dialogue.  It demonstrates your interest and desire to get to know how someone else thinks or feels.  It supports collaboration and rapport building as well.  As long as you’re asking your question with genuine interest and good listening skills.  Have you ever had someone ask a question and then look at their phone as you respond?  Good listening after asking a question is a key to success in delivery.  When you actively listen, you will naturally pick up information and build trust that helps the conversation to keep flowing.  Successful asking involves letting someone be successful in responding.

Another helpful tip in being a good questioner is to ask open ended questions. Close ended questions involve a yes or no answer.  They tend to limit conversation and shut things down.  Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes or no answer, they invite a more thorough response, such as a story, opinion, or memory.  In research, people tend to respond with at least four times as many words when asked an open ended question.  And often they elicit more unexpected responses or deepening of conversations.  For example asking someone what their best memory was from their vacation in Italy (open ended) versus did they have a good trip (close ended)?  Or what was their favorite amusement park ride versus have you ever ridden a roller coaster?  Open-ended questions create more opportunities for the listener to share.  

Another easy question to ask is a follow up question.  It works magic to keep a conversation going and shows your interest and engagement like nothing else.  It can involve simply reflecting back what someone has said and showing you want more information. “You speak Italian? When did you learn?”  “You went to Yosemite! Was that your first time?”  Parents of teenagers often ask how I can get them to talk to me, when they only get one word responses from their kids.  I teach them the art of the follow up question in its simplest form:  “Really? Tell me more about that!”  I signal that I have listened and am interested in knowing more from the teens perspective, rather than grilling them with a potential agenda.  Research shows that people who ask more follow up questions are perceived as more intelligent and emotionally aware.  (If you want to know more about me, you must be intelligent!)

There are, in fact, a few question-asking “don’ts” to be aware of.  One is known as the Boomer-ask.  It’s asking a particular question with the true agenda being that you want to tell someone something about yourself.  It’s a set up to talk and not really to listen.  “Are you near retirement?  Oh, no?  Well, I just retired and have never been happier, let me tell you about our recent trip…”  The other “no-no” in question-asking is to ask a question and then interrupt the other person as they are answering.  It serves to send the message that you aren’t really all that interested and that you’re impatient and kind of selfish.  In fact, it’s better to let someone finish, even if there’s a brief pause of silence.  Too often we are so worried about awkward silence that we cut off an answer or prevent a flow of conversation.  Research shows that a brief pause of silence can help people reflect and give a more thoughtful response to one another.  

And finally, a little advice to the curious?  Try to avoid “why” questions.  In psychology, we call them “ego assaultive.”  Asking someone why they did or said something can make people feel they have to defend themselves.  Best to approach with a “how’” or “what” question to get more information. For example, “Why do you like Thai food?” sounds more judgmental than “What Thai food is your favorite?” Remember the four W’s and an H…Who, What, Where, When and How.

The main thing to remember in being a good question-asker is that the goal is connection.  There are really very few wrong questions or wrong ways to ask a question if your intentions are good and your desire to understand or get to know someone is sincere.  In fact, why not ask someone to share about the last person they had a really enjoyable conversation with? I bet they have an engaging story to share about that!  And then ask them to tell you more!

With years of engaging the blank stares of young people, who shrug their shoulders with “I don’t know,” you’d think I’d be more comfortable making small talk.  I essentially make conversation for a living.  But alas, I’m actually terrible at it!  Few things bring me more anxiety than a room of people I’ve never met with who I’m supposed to socialize with.  So when I saw a book called TALK, written by a Harvard business school professor, Alison Wood Brooks, with years of research on conversation, I was eager to learn more.  And with a wedding approaching, to which I was thrilled to go, but had to go solo, I was presented with an opportunity to practice.  So here are a few tips I found useful both from the book, other sources, and my own experimentation.

First of all, don’t interpret your anxiety as unpleasantness.  Often people who feel uncomfortable hide their face in a phone, walk away to look busy, or pretend to be doing something very important.  It’s all an effort to seem at ease, withdrawing to avoid awkwardness.  But if we can tolerate some awkwardness, we can actually get the great benefits of social engagement.  In fact, much research shows that small talk can positively affect a person’s overall well being by boosting mood and reducing social isolation.  Long term studies on isolation show consistently that having a light conversation even with a stranger or acquaintance can help people feel more connected with one another and have a stronger sense of community.  Researcher Barabara Sandstorm writes, “Those who have daily casual interactions, like talking to someone at a coffee shop or a neighbor at the mailbox, can create a greater sense of belonging and overall well being.”  Instead of thinking of your discomfort as “being bad at small talk,” try to reinterpret this nervous energy as excitement.  We don’t know what will happen!  It could be fun and nice to have something unexpected occur or learn something new or gain a new perspective.  The key is to not take it personally if things don’t go as well as hoped!  Don’t interpret someone not engaging with you as a rejection of you as a person.  Assume it’s something about them or the situation.  They don’t even know you, so how can it be about you!

Organizational psychologist Matt Abrahams at Stanford notes that people put way too much pressure on themselves when it comes to small talk anxiety.  Successful small talk usually starts with something obvious or trivial – the weather, the latest sports news, a small annoyance.  Small talk is a simple way to begin connection and a gateway to further conversation if desired. The easiest way to begin a spontaneous conversation is to make an observation about your shared surroundings or the purpose of your shared experience in that moment (ordering coffee “have you ever tried the matcha latte?”)  In some more anticipated scenarios, such as an upcoming work event or party, you can prepare in advance some relevant topics.  Take a little time to think about who will be there, what you may have in common or want to know about other people (“How are you related to Aunt Sally?”)

A successful conversation requires cooperation.  Abrahms advises to think of it less like a tennis match where you’re trying to return a volley with a good stroke as quickly as possible, and more like a game of hacky sack.  It’s a collaborative effort by two people to keep in connection and keep the sack in the air.  Most people are appreciating the attention rather than judging you for your skills.  You are subtly coordinating with the other person, so you want to set them up so they can set you up.  And the most important thing to remember is that it’s more important to be INTERESTED than INTERESTING!  This is a mindset shift that can really predict what makes people pleasant to talk to.  Research on people rated as “someone I would want to talk to again” indicated they were people who listen well and ask questions.  Questions are a great facilitator of conversation.  Asking a question shows your interest in the other person and what they think and feel.  Asking a clarifying question further solidifies your interest and deepens a conversation beyond the initial superficial talk.  Questions also give you a moment to think, which can reduce anxiety and pressure and the tendency to ramble.  Remember to listen to the other person’s nonverbal communication.  Are they leaning in or trying to pay for their groceries?  Are they making eye contact while waiting for the bus or giving their child a snack? Reading the room can help with choosing a successful bantering partner.

Like everything, small talk gets easier with practice.  And the more you give it a try, the more success you’ll have, which lessens the impact of the occasional snub.  Sandstrom’s  research validates that the more people engage in small talk, the more confident they become, and the less they worry about rejection.  When you can make it about the other person and your desire to have a pleasant exchange, you reduce the pressure on both of you.  Think of your effort as an invitation and a kind gesture, not a bother.  And be a good responder.  If someone gives a clue that they are wanting to be left alone, intensely re-engaging with their novel or scrolling on their phone, just move on.  There is probably a reason they are more closed that has nothing to do with you!  And in kind, be a good recipient of small talk.  Appreciate the effort and smile.  And if you are not open to small talk, politely explain your need to prepare for a meeting or have some silence.

So how did my wedding experience go?  Actually, much better than I thought!  I had a really good time and had some fun conversations. At first I was hesitant to strike up the small talk, but it definitely got easier as I went along.  People were receptive and appreciative of my introduction and my asking about how they knew the couple and where they were from.  To be honest, it was kind of tiring to be more extroverted than I normally am, but retreating for an occasional stroll of the garden helped me to refuel.  It was a beautiful wedding full of love and I was so happy to be there for my dear friend and mother of the bride.  And she could not have been a more gracious host, looking out for me and getting me on the dance floor.  Which was a great tip I learned!  Dancing is a fabulous way to connect in a large group without having to say a word!!   Just smile and spin around! Like Billy Idol, “If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance and I’d be dancing with myself!  Oh oh oh!”