Now that you’ve spent some time “preparing to get prepared” for goal setting (my last post), it’s time to set up an action plan.  An action plan moves a goal from being abstract to being tangible.  For example, after some time reflecting about choosing an area of growth and change that matters to me, I realized I need to slow down.  I’ve been making a lot of errors, some without much consequence, but some that have cost me time, money, and embarrassment!  In exploring it with myself in a truthful manner, I realized I try to multitask too much, and end up mixing things up and making careless mistakes.  But slowing down is a rather vague goal. While it aligns with my values of wanting to be more thoughtful and precise, it needs to be further defined in order to make the change actually happen.  Otherwise it’s just a wish.  Having a specific plan of action to support a change is an important step in setting yourself up for success.  So in preparation for the impending New Year and the fresh start on our resolutions/goals, I wanted to review the literature on what and how to implement change in the most effective way.

First think about the positive outcome you’d like in pursuing this goal.  Create a vision for what this will be like for you in the real world, such as having sugar levels in the normal range from pre-diabetic, becoming a non-smoker, or in my case, making fewer mistakes in my daily life.  Now define this vision as best you can into what behaviors would make this change possible.  For example, lowering sugar levels might mean eating more vegetables, exercising more, and daily monitoring.  Now further define these goals into specific steps that you can measure and keep track of.  For example, for me, my plan would be to schedule a time three times a week to take care of paperwork rather than squeezing it in between things.  Now write down these steps in positive language: “I will eat one vegetable with lunch and dinner daily.  Or “I will go for a hike three times a week.”

Research shows that actually writing your goals down makes it more likely you will do them.  Also, posting them in an area where you see it frequently will keep it in the forefront of your mind.  And having some accountability is important as well.  Write into your action plan how you will evaluate your progress and when.  It helps to have a partner with whom you share your goals and plans.  Telling people tends to be a high predictor of people’s follow through.  Buddy up with someone you feel comfortable with and review how things are going. In one study, respondents were 42% more likely to accomplish their goals when they were in writing.  The success rate went up to 76% when participants wrote down their goals, developed a plan, told a friend, and kept the friend in the loop!  It’s really important not to be judgmental around any setbacks.  Make it as impersonal as possible.  What is wrong is the plan, not you!  Look honestly at what is getting in the way and readjust your plan to align better with your reality.  

The three top reasons why people fail at their resolutions, according to research, are actually all attitude dependent.  The first is that we try to do too much.  We need to keep our focus  narrow and on making small steps that will lead to bigger ones.  The second reason is expecting change to happen quickly.  Lasting change takes time.  We can make a change in behavior quickly with a big burst of focus and effort, but it takes a sustained period of time for change to become our new normal.  People often get discouraged if things don’t happen right away.  Setting realistic expectations will help you to stay positive and enjoy the progress.  Finally, the third reason people give up on their goals is by quitting after a “failure.”  Viewing “failure” as data to learn from is a very important part of the process of change.  How fast you shake off a slip up and get back on track is a big predictor of achieving long term success.  

And my final piece of advice on the topic of change this year?  Celebrate along the way!  Don’t wait until next year to toast yourself.  Pick frequent milestones you can reward yourself for achieving.  And don’t forget, effort counts!  Even if you don’t hit the goals exactly, choose some rewards for staying committed and positive and not giving up.  Highlighting progress reinforces it and solidifies your gains.  Or your losses!  Whatever your goal, small steps make the journey.  Laugh along the way and enjoy the view.

As every self helper will tell you, to be successful at change requires good preparation.  So as the New Year approaches I thought it’d be the right time to start thinking about New Year’s goals now.  Not about how to achieve them, yet, but which ones are even right for you.  Because, if you’re like most people, you tend to throw goals at yourself in the last week of December mostly out of frustration. So, with a few weeks left of 2023, I invite you to step back to look at the bigger picture of your life and where you are in it.  Taking time for some honest self awareness can help you get more clarity in evaluating your options.   Developing goals with the best fit is so important to being able to sustain them and to feel good about the process of change along the way.  

A first step to self awareness is to get really curious about yourself.  Having an attitude of curiosity brings a less judgmental and more open attitude to your self reflection.  What do you look forward to?  What keeps you up at night?  Who and what do you like to spend time with and what do you avoid?  What do you secretly fantasize about doing or being? What feels missing in your life?  What are you most grateful for?  Just noticing your own habits and tendencies is a good place to start to best understand what and how change can be folded into your life.  To make it more fun, try taking a personality assessment.  The 16 personalities assessment is a free online tool to start with (https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test ).  It was adapted from the Myers Briggs Type Indicator that reflects how you take in and use information, what motivates you and how you relate to the word.

Journaling is a great way to reflect on these questions and to focus your curiosity.  You can start with the above questions or look for prompts you can find by looking up journaling.  Write without editing, let your words pour out without having to decide if what you’re saying is true or not.  Journaling is found to be such a helpful tool as it takes ideas and makes them concrete.  In this way we can have the ideas, invite them in, and then work with them.  Journaling has the role of expanding exploration and expression and doesn’t require a commitment to anything in particular.  

Next, read through what you have written and reflect on it.  What parts excite you, interest you, annoy you?  What thoughts make you cringe or reassure you?  Look to see if you can find any themes or patterns.  Generally, if you journal enough, patterns do emerge that can be a guide to places or ideas ripe to work with.  Pay attention to your body and what it may be telling you in physical sensations.  Sometimes stress can actually be excitement or anxiety can be anticipation.  Try to boil down the themes of what you have written into a few important areas where you’d like to do more or do less.  

Now is the time to let your analytical mind step in.  First it’s important to sort out from your list what are “have to dos” and what are “want to dos.”  “Have to do’s” are tricky ideas because they have a way of setting us up.  If you feel you should lose weight, should spend time with your obnoxious uncle, or should make a certain number of sales at work, it may be because of external pressures.  Are you choosing these ideas because you want to please others or some expectation that is not in line with your current values?  

In working with people around goal setting I’m always amazed at how an initial list of goals really will evolve when we look at the underlying motivations and get clear about what is true for us or not.  Sometimes we feel shame in letting go of a goal because we think we “should” want it.  But the reality is, you’re very unlikely to sustain the effort toward a goal if it’s coming from a place of negativity.   To be clear, I’m not saying only choose goals that are fun.  If you have a health issue for example and need to make a change for your overall well being, you will have to challenge yourself, for sure.  But in all my 30 years of working with people, I’ve rarely seen anyone achieve a difficult goal because someone else told them they should.  Prolonged action toward a goal involves finding your own relationship to the goal that is motivating and brings meaning.  I do not mean happiness, but personal meaning.  Staying on a path to a goal involves purpose, even when it’s unpleasant or even painful.  Only you can be honest with yourself and shape your goals toward an achievement that will really mean something for you that is worth a commitment.

Once you have sorted ideas about changes that align with your values, spend some time mapping out what steps you can break it down into.  Outline a reasonable timeline and the smaller goals within the bigger desired outcome.  This may be a good point to bring in a trusted person who can help you brainstorm and give you some insight to build a plan.  They may have the ability to see things you have missed or assess the expectations with a kinder eye and ear.

And finally, think about how these goals and intentions are similar and different from years past.  With a curious and compassionate lens, ask yourself what got in the way and what might be a better approach.  Sometimes, you weren’t really ready for a goal and can work toward it by achieving other goals first.  Think of your goal setting like a strategic plan, with layers of foundation that can be achieved each year to get you toward your ultimate destination.

Most experts recommend choosing one to three main goals to work on at a time.  If you take on too many, it tends to wear you out and means your focus will be spread too thin to stay on track.   And look for signs that you may not have chosen the right ones and may need to adjust them. If you find yourself constantly needing a  “fresh start,” beware! Us “fresh start” people can find any reason to begin again  –   new outfit, new day, new idea!  But frequently needing a fresh start means you may have been a bit too ambitious or didn’t think through the possible setbacks that slip you up. t’s fine to take this as feedback and replan your approach. Because the goal is to prepare well enough that you won’t have to keep making a fresh start toward your goal, at least until the next New Year.

With the holiday season upon us, there’ll be lots of social gatherings.  Oh so many gatherings – family, friends, co-workers, volunteer events, and on and on.  These celebrations are really lovely most of the time, but for a lot of us there are those situations and those people that make it really challenging to have fun.  One of those types of people and interactions has to do with interruptions.  I really hear it a lot about how people dread a holiday meal because they get talked over and cut off, feel invalidated and insignificant, no matter what they try to say.  So today, in preparation for the season, I did a little digging into cutting people off.

The first thing I have to say is we all do it!  I really like to pride myself on being a good listener, but the truth is, I am a good listener when I’m focused on it.  But in family discussions, I’ve been accurately accused of cutting someone off.  Am I a narcissist only focused on myself?  I think not.  Am I selfish, wanting only to hear my own voice?  I hope not.  So what is it that makes generally well intentioned people interrupt and take the attention away from someone else?

There is a psychology to interrupting.  Research on interrupting behavior indicates certain factors that determine how often someone does it.  One aspect is culture and family background.  For some families, the norm is to talk over one another and to cut in to make your point.  These people tend not to be aware of their interrupting and see it as a normal part of an interesting and dynamic conversation.  It isn’t quite seen as interrupting as it is a normal part of discourse.  For some interrupters, it is a matter of impatience.  These people tend to be goal driven people who want to get straight to a point and take control of a conversation pace.  And for some circumstances, a person is so excited about what is being talked about that they cannot control their own impulse to share and contribute their ideas.  People also tend to interrupt when they’re afraid they’ll forget what they want to say.  It’s common for older people to interrupt more frequently as they worry if they don’t say something, they’ll lose what they want to say.

There are also gender differences in interrupting behavior.  Research from George Washington University demonstrated that men interrupt women more than they interrupt men.  In fact, they found that men interrupted women 33% more often than they did other men.  In measuring a 3 minute conversation, men interrupted women 2.1 times and other men only 1.8 times.  In contrast, women interrupted both women and men only once.  These gender differences may be a result of unspoken power differentials.  People who have an ascribed higher status tend to feel others want to hear what they have to say.

While it may not be intentional, interrupting, even for benign reasons, can have an eroding effect in a relationship.  When we’re interrupted it feels as if our opinions or thoughts aren’t valued and leave us feeling powerless and shut down.  In fact, interrupting can have a strong effect of controlling the other person in denying their basic rights to even express an opinion, idea, or feeling.  It is a form of dominance when done to an extreme.

So, what can we do about interrupting?  There are ways to address it both as a person who is interrupting and as a person who is being interrupted.  The first step is to pay more attention. Just noticing your impulse to jump in before someone is finished is a big help.  And as a speaker, are you allowing others to have equal time in speaking?  Are you picking up social cues that others are wanting to join in?  Sometimes a speaker can invite interruptions if they tend to be a long drawn out story teller.  Make sure there is a lot of back and forth opportunity in the flow of your conversation.  Being a respectful speaker can go a long way into fostering respectful listeners.

And to address the interrupters, sometimes a little hand gesture can do the trick.  Lifting your hand up with a subtle, “let me finish my thought” movement can be enough.  Other times you can set the stage to avoid being interrupted.  For example, at work, you can let people know that you will present your ideas and then there will be time for questions and feedback.  Set an expectation that you want to be listened to fully first.  And in more casual conversations, you can set the stage by asking if you can tell them a story of what happened to you that is rather complicated and  “I’d love to hear your thoughts when I’m done.” Or simply a firm statement, “May I finish, please,” can be a polite way that seems like a request but is actually setting a boundary.

Of course, if you can address this with someone at a time when you are calm, that could be the most helpful.  Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is important rather than accusing them of intentional disrespect.  Be curious.  “I noticed you were interrupting me a lot. Were you just really excited about the idea?”  Or, “I wonder if you were in a hurry?”  Often people don’t notice they’re even doing it.  You may want to ask their permission if you can let them know when it happens and then have a reminder cue at the ready.

And what if it’s your Uncle Fred who dominates the dinner conversation every Thanksgiving?  It may not be worth it to make a fuss.  The best thing is not to allow yourself to be triggered into reactive behavior.  It’s easy to become passive aggressive or snippy at these times, which only makes it unpleasant for you.  Why not make it a drinking game, every time Fred interrupts, you and your sibling lift your glass with a smile? Or start a conversation with other people sitting near you?  Or think of the potential benefits.  While Uncle Fred is babbling on and on, the rest of you can finish all the pie. I tend to be less talkative when pecan pie is at hand…and in my mouth!

I’ve been struggling with both how and what to write since the brutal terrorist attacks of October 7th in Israel and the subsequent horrific ongoing war.  I’ve been looking up articles on how to cope and how to protect your mental health, but they all seem so woefully inadequate to the situation and for the depth of what I feel.  Cutting back on media time, taking a walk in nature, doing an act of kindness for someone…they all seem so superficial when addressing these events.  This experience is more than vicarious traumatization or or secondary trauma, it is trauma with a capital T.  It is personal for me and so many around the world, it is scary, and it is contagious.  So today, I have no answers, only some reflections from my experience in working with trauma.  There is no doubt, trauma begets trauma.  The pain invoked by trauma, unless carefully addressed and attended to, only leads to lashing out, reactivity, and the infliction of more pain.  It is with this in mind I share my thoughts with you about our pain and how important it is to hold it carefully.

It hurts.  The brutal attack on Israelis hurts.  The fact that over 240 people are being held hostage hurts.  The suffering of so many Palestinian people for what the terrorists did is painful.  The images of children and elderly, innocents and victims on all sides, injured and dying is painful.  The fear people live in as the bombing continues all night long is painful.  The loss of homes and communities is so painful.  The feeling of helplessness is so painful.  The spreading of misinformation and propaganda is painful.  The brutal stabbing of a 6 year old Palestinian American boy is painful.  The image of swastikas being drawn on a Jewish cemetery in Europe is painful.  The thirst and hunger and deprivation of civilians in Gaza is so painful. The media posts and spread of hatred is painful.  Going to my synagogue and seeing a police presence for security is painful.  Seeing the words “From river to the sea” projected on the walls at college campuses is painful.  There is so, so, so much pain that it feels too overwhelming.  We are not just passive witnesses to atrocity, we are also victims. 

But we are not powerless, although we may feel that way.  We do have the power to control how we respond to this pain and an opportunity to limit the spread and effects of aggression.  Every human being deserves a place to live that is safe, where they can raise their family in good health, and express their culture.  One person’s safety should not be at the expense of others.  And yet, here we have a centuries old conflict perpetuating violence and hatred, setting up another century of violence and hatred.  How we, as the rest of the world, respond to what is happening is all we can control at this time, but is the most important thing we can do of consequence.  We have the opportunity to be an example.  We have an opportunity to take a deep breath and choose our words carefully.  We have the chance to step back and increase our understanding and our compassion for all peoples.  We have a choice in how we use our pain to be in support of de-escalation and peace or in fanning the embers of burning resentments.

Holding pain is so difficult.  It’s so much easier to jump to action to discharge the pain.  We blame, we rant, we hop on bandwagons to make ourselves feel better and righteous, we tear down a poster, we lump all people together in one group called “those people.” We do so to distract from the pain and momentarily mute it. Yet, in doing so, we perpetuate the divisiveness of conflict and the infliction of pain.  Instead, we need to listen.  We need to listen to the urges inside of us and the fear underlying our behavior.  We need to listen to others and acknowledge their pain and the fear that drives them to action.  I do believe that only by being an example of how to come together under such painful circumstances can we offer any chance to be a power for good and not a perpetrator of further conflict.

The international community must hold on to the values of peace and peaceful protest, democratic values of self determination and accountability.  We must resist the pull to polarization and hold a space for negotiation and validation.  We must denounce and condemn violence and support the process of negotiation. This is a conflict of great complexity and implication.  We cannot boil it down to a slogan or a meme.

I recently returned from a trip to Romania, coming back to CA on October 8th.  I was there in search of a connection to my ancestry of roots in the Romanian Jewish community.  I was so incredibly saddened at learning the history of the death of over 400,000 Jews in Romania, second only to Germany in loss of Jewish lives.  Prior to the war there were 750,000 Jews in Romania.  Today, there are only 8,000, most of whom are elderly.  “You are looking at the last of the Jews in Romania,” our guide said as he spoke in the synagogue in Bucharest. Most Jews fortunate to avoid the death camps were able to escape, some to the US, but most to Israel.  

There is a universal human need and right for both physical safety and emotional safety.  We must be free to be who we are, feel what we do, and  think what we might.  But this freedom cannot be without responsibility and accountability, respect and tolerance.  The incredible pain we are all feeling is a good example of our profound capacity for caring and empathy.  Now we must hold onto it as we hold on to our humanity, respecting it, feeling it, and using it to guide us with wisdom and for the sake and goal of transformation to a better path toward resolution for the next generation.  As we therapists say to victims of trauma in their journey of healing, you are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for how you respond to it.

A lovely woman that I work with was agitated and tearful, covering her face with the words, “I feel like I just don’t matter.”  Indeed, in some ways she was right, unfortunately.  Her daughter has a progressive neurological disease, and despite how much she wants to fix things for her daughter, her efforts will not be successful.  In reflecting with this devoted mother, we talked about the sense of helplessness that can envelope us when we can’t control the things we wish we could.  Feeling like you don’t matter is  such a common experience during hard times, adding to feelings of isolation on a very deep level.  So when I saw a write up about a book, The Psychology of Mattering, it caught my attention, confirming my sense of how important this attribute is to well being.  In today’s post, I hope to share with you about this important component of mental health in the hope that it matters.

Author Gordon Flett, a professor at New York University, has done extensive research on the topic of “mattering.”  He concludes that a sense of mattering is a core human need and is an important component in healthy relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Mattering refers to feeling valued, heard, and appreciated.  It differs from self esteem, connection, or belonging.  Mattering is more than just feeling that you belong in a group, but that you would be missed if you weren’t there.  To matter, you need to feel like you add value in a way that makes you feel capable, important, and trusted.  Isaac Prlleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami, describes it as a two part definition:  Both feeling valued and adding value. 

Research suggests that when we feel like we matter, we experience more self compassion, relationship satisfaction, and have a greater belief in our capacity to achieve our goals.  In contrast, when we feel we don’t matter, we tend to experience burn out, self criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression, and are even at greater risk of suicide.  We can all relate to this contrast.  Think about a relationship in which you feel you matter.  It’s a wonderful feeling! I have great memories of my Grandmother Rose, who even before I knew about this concept, taught me about this feeling.  She always listened to me with great interest and reached out when it was important. Even when she lost her eyesight, she could tell in my voice how I was doing.   She made me feel I could do what I dreamt of.  We can also think about relationships or settings/groups in which we don’t feel like we matter.  It’s so disheartening. In fact, in close relationships, especially in families, not mattering can be a form of abuse with long term effects on self worth.  Neglect was once aptly described to me as “abuse of the soul.”

When it comes to mattering, we can’t change how we were raised or if we’ve experienced discrimination, exclusion, or unfair treatment in many circumstances, which all have a great impact on our sense of mattering.  But there are things we can do to change how we perceive our value and to mitigate the effects of these circumstances.  Researchers suggest several steps to help increase our sense of mattering.  First, it can help to identify your own strengths.  Think about a time when you felt useful.  What activities make you feel not only that you are good at them, but that make you feel good while you’re doing them.  Then look for ways you can increase engagement in these activities and how you might incorporate them in places where you might feel unseen or disenfranchised.  Look for activities with values and goals that align with what matters to you and invest your time in them. Another tool for increasing your sense of mattering is to do an inventory of the areas of your life and compare where you feel valued and where you don’t.  What do these things have in common and what makes them different?  Can you make changes or is it time to shift your focus, not wasting your time trying to get “blood from a stone?”  For example, when you’ve made efforts to be seen or be rewarded for your work, are you met with resistance or were you acknowledged? 

Another tool to increase your feeling of mattering is to actively increase your presence in your relationships.  Dr. Prilleltensky recommends telling people why and how much you appreciate them.  You can add value in your relationships by asking someone open ended questions to better understand their perspectives while communicating that you care about their experiences.  By being more present with people, you increase their awareness of your presence.  In contrast, if you have tried and don’t get the acknowledgement you need, it’s ok to pull back from a relationship.  We have a broad spectrum of relationships to choose from, in our work life, personal life, and in our families.  Shifting your focus and choosing with whom you spend your time and energy is a way of taking control.  There are times when we blame ourselves for not mattering, and it can wear on our self esteem.  We can internalize a sense of not mattering and begin to feel helpless and worthless. 

Just as mattering is a basic human need, it’s also true that having this need go unmet is a part of the human experience.  So when you can, remind yourself that you’re not alone and that the sense of being worthless is not a fact, but a feeling.  Try not to over-identify with the feeling and shift your focus to gently challenge the idea.  What about the situation, not you, is making you feel less valued?  What can you do or whom can you connect with to help support your sense of value?  

And like the woman I shared about in the opening of this post, being in a helpless and scary situation can challenge our sense of mattering, as we feel inadequate to the circumstances.  But indeed, she did matter, quite forcefully, in being there for her daughter and providing loving compassion and support.    But often when we’re in the middle of feeling we don’t matter, it takes someone else to point it out to us and provide perspective.  Everyone needs and deserves a Granny Rose.  I used to call her  when I was feeling unseen.  Just hearing her cheerful voice saying in her deep NY accent, “Heddo, Dawling” made me feel better.  Now I try to honor her memory by hoping  to be that voice for others.  I sure do miss her.  She truly mattered!

If you’ve had the feeling that people seem to be less polite than in the past, research confirms your suspicions.  In a recent survey by Harvard Business Review, for example, it seems to be a global phenomena, showing an increase around the world in experiences of rude behavior compared to past survey results. Survey respondents cited an increase not only from customers to employees, but also between customers.  If you’re like me, when someone is acting very rudely , I’m conflicted.  I don’t want to be a passive observer, especially if it’s directed at someone else, but I also don’t want to escalate the situation.  So in today’s post, I wanted to take a little time to think about rudeness and how to respond best when you encounter it.

We are a world under stress – pandemic limitations, wearing masks, divided politics, so many distractions and demands of our time and attention.  And with this stress, we seem to have lost the boundaries of cultural civility.  All around us, people are expressing their anger, their frustration, their displeasure, or their disagreements with less regard for the impact on others. And when someone is being rude, it tends to spread.  There is a contagion factor of rudeness that gives it permission and is perhaps why we have been seeing it spread.  

So, when you encounter rudeness, the first step is to take a deep breath.  Most people become reactive, naturally feeling a sense of defensiveness and wanting to protect or stand up for themselves.  But this tends to backfire and escalate the negative interaction.  Sometimes when people are having a bad day, they provoke people around them in order to find someone to blame or take their frustration out on.  Don’t let yourself become an easy target.  You will be most effective if you can keep yourself calm and not throw something back at the rudeness perpetrator.  

It helps to remember this is not about you.  Although it is directed at you, it’s not about you.  Keeping it from being personal helps you to stay calm and keeps the focus on the other person and what is happening with them.  If you can figure out what’s going on for them, it helps to give you a choice as to how to respond along with the ability to walk away if desired.  You are not required to engage with someone if they’re being rude.

Ask anyone who’s worked in retail and they’ll tell you how they had to learn how to de-escalate in order to do their job.  Start by listening to what the person is saying, trying to ignore how they are saying it.  Sometimes what comes off as rudeness is really born out of confusion or frustration at feeling wronged or ignored.  Let them know that you’ve heard what they’re saying and give them your undivided attention.  People will often automatically calm down when they feel someone is listening.  They may even apologize when they can let go of their fight and realize how they are coming across.  Rudeness often comes from impatience and if people can understand why things are taking longer or why it’s not going as expected, it can help ease the frustration.

Sometimes in the right situation you can point out to the person that they’re coming across rudely.  This works better with people you know, such as a family member, friend, or co-worker.  They may not realize what they’re doing and how it’s affecting you.  For example, you might ask, “Hey, this is important to me, can you put down your phone?” Or, “When you made a joke about my mistake in the meeting, it was really embarrassing.”  Sometimes, when we’re with people we feel comfortable with, we get a little lazy with our habits or manners  But even with a stranger, setting your boundary or expectation can be an important step in communication.  For example you may need to tell a customer that you’d like to help them and if they can lower their voice it would help you to hear them.

One of the best ways I’ve learned to respond to people when they’re rude (I’m often asked to step in at work if someone is behaving badly in the waiting room) is simply to look someone in the eye with an empathic and kind expression and ask  “are you okay?”  This response has a way of both showing I care what is happening for them and also keeps it about them.  Sometimes it helps people put into words what’s bothering them and gives them the message that they are showing the world their pain in a way that may bring them more pain.

Of course the kindness approach doesn’t always work.  I’ve had people tell me to mind my own f***ing business more than a few times.  But generally, showing kindness does have the benefit of making you feel good about how you’re responding rather than triggering you into a response you’ll later regret.  Which leads me to my closing thought that’s emerged as I’ve been writing this. We need to ask ourselves about our own rude behavior.  There are so many ways that our little habits may be rude to others, including talking on the phone in a public place, looking at your phone while talking to someone, interrupting someone when they’re talking, or demanding rather than asking for something.  And body language is important, too.  We can subtly roll our eyes, avoid eye contact, or fidget impatiently.

Sometimes, being aware of our own rude behavior can make us less irritated by other people’s behavior.  You know it’s not personal since you yourself aren’t intending to be rude when you do it. The fact is we might all benefit from a bit of civility awareness.  And if you truly want to address your own bad habits, I leave you with a challenge.  If you’re brave enough, ask someone you trust to point out these behaviors.  It’s a little humbling to be made aware of it, even if we didn’t mean it.  But, please, remember, when they do tell you about something you’ve just done that’s rude, respond with kindness.  You asked!

We interrupt this usual blog post for an important commercial announcement.  Please buy this product!!!  I hesitate to tell anyone to do what I’ve done (because I’m so often unable to follow through on things and don’t want to be a hypocrite),  but, please, in this case, I’m strongly hoping you do, because it just may save a life.  Last Monday the FDA made an important step and allowed Naloxone (brand name  NARCAN) to be purchased over the counter.  I bought a two dose pack for myself and each of my daughters to have on hand.  I pray we never have to use it, but I’m so grateful that we have it just in case.  And now, a quick description of what naloxone is, how it works, and how to use it to reverse a potentially tragic overdose.

Naloxone is a medication that can reverse an overdose from opioids, including fentanyl, heroin, and prescription medications by blocking the effects of opioids on the brain and restoring breathing.  A person can’t get high from naloxone and it’s been shown to be safe for practically anyone to use.  Most often the drug is sprayed into the nose and takes only two to three minutes to work.  If someone doesn’t  wake up in three minutes, a second dose can and should be given.  Naloxone won’t work for an overdose on drugs other than opiates, but it’s safe to administer.  If given to someone who isn’t on opioids, it’ll simply make them uncomfortable, so you don’t have to worry.  It’s also non-addictive.

In order to feel comfortable using Narcan, the first step is to know the potential signs of an opioid overdose.  Typically, someone who is experiencing an opioid overdose will have small constricted pupils, be falling asleep or losing consciousness, be slow, weak, or have no breathing, a limp body, cold clammy skin, discolored skin (especially the lips and nails), and may be making choking or gurgling sounds, vomiting, or having a slow or erratic pulse.  If you’re not sure if someone is experiencing an overdose, it’s best to go ahead and give the Narcan, as it can save their life if they are, but won’t harm them if they aren’t.

Once you become aware of someone exhibiting these symptoms, call 911 immediately.  If they’re not breathing, administer rescue breathing by moving them onto their back, tilting their head back, lifting their chin, and breathing two normal breaths into their mouth.  Next, administer the Narcan spray into their nostril.  Continue rescue breathing if needed, giving one breath every five seconds until they begin breathing on their own.  Try to keep the person awake and lay the person on their side to prevent choking.  Stay with the person until help arrives.

In 2021 there were nearly 108,000 overdoses from opioid drugs according to the CDC.  In more than one in three of these overdose situations, studies found a bystander was present.  Equipping people with Narcan will, and has, saved lives.  The goal of distributing naloxone is a public safety measure in order to educate and equip people to prevent these deaths from happening.  And for anyone concerned about increasing opioid abuse with the availability of naloxone can feel reassured that studies have found that making naloxone available did not encourage people to use opioids at any increased rate.

In fact, professionals are hoping to de-stigmatize the conversation around naloxone and to make it a part of any first aid preparation kit.  Even people who don’t use drugs or opioids should keep it in their purse or in their car for the chance they may need it.  Parents of teenagers are encouraged to have it at home and educate their child on how to use it.  According to the CDC, carrying naloxone is no different than carrying an Epi-pen for someone with an allergic reaction.  “It simply provides an extra layer of protection for those at higher risk of potential overdose.”(CDC website)

For years, medical professionals have been advocating to make Narcan an over the counter medication so that anyone can have it available.  Relying on people using drugs to ask their doctor for a prescription was not an effective approach to prevention.  “There was no medical or moral reason to keep this medication behind the counter,” argued Dr. Bobby Mukkamala, the chair of the American Medicine Association’s Substance Abuse and Pain Task force.  And it seems to me, there is no medical or moral reason why we all shouldn’t buy it now that it’s finally available.

Just as I was reviewing this post for edits, a story in the news caught my attention.  At a daycare center in NY, four children, ages 8 months to 2 years, were found to be unresponsive and showing symptoms of having come into contact with fentanyl.  “Tragedy struck the daycare on Friday when a 1-year-old baby boy died.  Three other children were taken to a hospital where Narcan, a medicine that rapidly reverses an opioid overdose, was used to revive them” (News Nation, NY).  I can’t help but think of that little baby boy who might also have been saved if someone had a dose of Narcan on site.

I know it‘s become a cliché for people to say “the only constant in life is change,” but when the Greek philosopher Heraclitus made this famous observation about change, it was 535 BC.  And while his understanding of the universality of change has held up well with the test of time (better than his fashion sense), what he and most all of us could never have predicted is the rapid acceleration, especially in recent times, in the rate of change.  In responding to the ever increasing pressures of new technologies and information overload, scientists are now adapting their models of coping with change and recommending an approach that is even more reliant on our adaptability as a key to mental wellness.

Previous models of change tended to rely on the concept of homeostasis, the idea that we have a status quo, experience something disruptive, and adapt in order to bring ourselves back to the status quo.  More recently, a shift to a concept called allostasis has been taking favor.  Allostasis is based on the idea that our healthy baseline is a moving target.  While both processes strive for stability, in homeostasis the goal is a return to a baseline that is the same as before.  Whereas in allostasis, the stability achieved would be a new baseline.  As author Brad Stalberg writes in his book, Master of Change: How to Excel When Everything Is Changing, homeostasis involves moving from X to Y and back to X, whereas, allostasis is thought of as X to Y to Z.  He writes, “The way to stay stable through the process of change is by changing, at least to some extent.  If you want to hold your footing, you’ve got to keep moving.”  Allostasis is defined as stability through change.

An allostatic approach acknowledges that the goal of mature adulthood is not to avoid, fight or try to control change, but rather, to skillfully engage with it.  Via this shift, change is seen as something that doesn’t happen to you, but as something you’re working with, an ongoing process of adaptation.  As Sterburg describes it, it’s about balancing acceptance with problem solving to move on to a new normal.  Overcoming pain, for example, either psychological or physical, is not about resistance, or trying to get back to how you were, but rather involves acceptance and growth.  In fact, as we learn about neuroplasticity, the truth is that our brain is at its best when it is constantly rewiring itself and making new connections.  In this way, change becomes a normal and healthy process rather than something to be feared.

As I have seen in my own work with people and as documented throughout the world, anxiety is at epidemic proportions.  I do think it is related to this fear of change and is emerging so intensely at this time specifically because the rate of change has become so rapid.  Information is coming at us at unprecedented rates, through news, social media, and ever changing sources of information.  We have more access to goods and services (Amazon, for example, can give you access to most anything at any time) and more choices about what and how we engage in the world.  Our climate is changing quickly with ore storms and cycles, and our technology is ever increasing in its ability and ways of engagement.  We are bombarded with a constant supply of new information and are asked to perform in ever increasingly complex environments (self check out, anyone?)  No wonder we’re overwhelmed.  Anxiety, simply put, appears in direct proportion to our perceived sense of threat in relation to our sense that we can handle that threat.  As we watch the news and are so inundated with the facts and images of our changing world, it’s easy to feel unsafe.  In response, we as a society have tended to become more cautious, which only fuels our experience of the world as being a scary place.  A classic phenomena of anxiety is that the more we avoid what makes us anxious, the more power it has over us.  As we feel threatened by change and try to resist it, we withdraw and become overwhelmed by it.  

I believe the concept of allostasis will be an important focus in addressing anxiety and helping us to be more resilient in the face of rapid change.  Science does point to there being strong evidence that we can become stronger and grow from change and that much of how we navigate change can, in fact, be developed and practiced.  There is much new research supporting the idea that how well we cope with change is directly related to our life satisfaction.  Our psychological approach to change must involve both an ability to be tough and determined by sticking to our core values while simultaneously adapting, consciously responding to changing conditions and bending without breaking.  As Bradberg describes it, “equal parts ruggedness and flexibility.”

For myself, and in thinking about how to be of help to others in this age of rapid change, applying an allostatic perspective (that’s a mouthful), I can see the importance of becoming more fluid in my expectations, becoming more comfortable with uncertainty, and expanding  meaning and purpose through growth. I imagine myself as a modern Heraclitus, standing at the water and noting “no one ever steps in the same river twice,” except today I’ve gotten to the river driving an electric car, using google maps, hoping I’ve applied the right UV protection sunscreen, wearing my Athleta swim outfit, all while listening to the latest ESPN Daily podcast.   In other words…stay tuned.  There’s a lot more material I’m going to need to cover!

In my last post, inspired by my yearly Back to School nostalgia, I proposed the idea of  applying a Back to School attitude to areas of our life where we might benefit from a reset.  This process involved letting go of old attitudes or habits, clarifying priorities and goals, and cleaning out clutter to set the stage for a fresh start.  But sometimes what needs resetting is a relationship that has gone off track or maybe could just benefit from a tune up.  It gets a bit trickier to apply a reset to a relationship, however.  We can’t just simply start over, as there’s a lot of history, and we can’t control the other person to make them align with what we want.  But there are some strategies we can use to freshen up a relationship and with the advice I’ve reviewed from a multitude of relationship experts, I’ll share what might be helpful in applying a Back to School mindset with others.

Most experts advise that the first step in a relationship reset is to assess what is currently working and not working in your relationship.  If possible, do it with the other person and be prepared to be open to what they have to say.  Keeping a positive frame is important, making it clear you’re engaging in the process as a way to show love or a desire to be closer to someone.  Share what you may have learned about yourself or ways that you notice that you’ve grown, as well as how they have.  Also, list the strengths and what is working in addition to what you may want to shift.  And be collaborative.  Set some goals that would benefit the both of you and avoid piling blame on things you can’t change.

A next step may be to make some plans together.  Sometimes it can be helpful to start some new activities or habits together.  It can build a sense of trust and partnership.  It can also help in setting aside old baggage.  For example if you used to run together, but one of you is slower and it caused conflict, try a new activity where you both can be beginners.  Starting something new can help to let go of old baggage. Our brain’s crave novel experiences, which in turn can enhance connection and interest in the relationship.  Maybe you can take on a project that excites you both. Research shows that when people work together as a team, the quality and satisfaction in the relationship is significantly improved.  And see how you can make it fun. Perhaps you can make a chores chart and if all the chores get done, you get take out, for example. Finding ways to align together in a change can create more intimacy rather than fuel resentment and disconnection by waiting for the other person to change.

Research also shows it’s important to spend time apart, even if it’s going for a short walk by yourself.  Being alone gives you time to process things happening in your day and to consolidate your own identity and reactions.  In turn, this helps us be less reactive to others and to be more in touch with what’s most important to who we are, helping us to be less defensive or threatened by the demands of a relationship.  And when you re-engage, make sure you express the appreciation you have for the other person.  Often we have a lot of love in our hearts, but we don’t feel the need to show it.  Studies show that the most successful relationships included the expressions of appreciation and the more specific the better.  For example when you notice your partner having taken care of a task, taking a moment to say something about what they did and how it mattered to you can be a great way to keep the relationship fresh.  When someone makes a gesture of kindness, the tendency is for the other person to want to reciprocate.  A reset may involve nothing more than a few thoughtful actions or words that can change the tenor and mood between people.

Most therapists are big believers in systems theory of change.  Succinctly put, any change that happens in one area of a system will affect change throughout the entire system.  It’s an important concept when thinking about relationship change.  Sometimes we don’t have the opportunity or authority to talk with a willing partner about what we’d like to reset in our relationship, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make change that matters.  By changing your own behavior you reset the equilibrium of a relationship and can impact your interactions.  For example, maybe you can’t tell your boss that you don’t like how she presents feedback, but you can initiate a conversation in a style that is more comfortable for you.  Or if someone is insensitive to your feelings, you can shift your conversations to more superficial topics to protect yourself.  Or the reverse, maybe asking some questions to get to know someone will help you feel closer.  We often have more power than we think when it comes to how our conversations and relationship patterns go.  Looking at your own reset can help empower you in relational situations where you’ve felt frustrated or disrespected.

And I can’t finish a post about using a Back to School mindset without the shopping.  Whenever we start something new, even if it’s a new approach to something old, having something tangible can be helpful.  Why not try a new restaurant, or buy a new pair of pajamas, or a new pair of candlesticks for your table? While we can’t buy our way out of bad habits or patterns, we can use a new purchase to remind us of our goals or new intentions. The more we invest in our relationship, the more we will be rewarded, right?

In my town, both celebrated and dreaded, it’s ”back to school” time. Although at this point in my life it really doesn’t affect me very much, except for good sales and bad traffic, I tend to become deeply nostalgic.  I loved back to school time. I relished the reliability and promise of a fresh start.  I would anticipate the new classes and teachers I’d have, the brand new set of pencils and notebooks, and with college and graduate school, maybe even a change in apartments.  While there’s a lot to be said for the stability of a long term job or relationship, it’s easy to take things for granted without an imposed transition, both in becoming complacent with what is and losing our perspective about how we could be doing better.  So in this post I’m going invite you to step back from your day to day to apply the perspective of a back to school mindset on the long term aspects of your life. 

Back to school offers a clean slate and with it the perfect chance for change.  But whether you’re truly starting something new or resetting something that’s been ongoing, to take advantage of the process, it really needs to start with self reflection.  How’s it going right now?  What went well this past year and what would I like to be different?  We can’t make any effective changes unless we understand where we are now and where we’ve come from.  I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years this summer.  I think back to the roles and responsibilities that I was hired to do, and compared to what I’m doing now, a lot has changed.  Some of it required some conscious thought, especially with changes brought on by the pandemic, and some of it just slowly evolved over time in reaction to things happening in my organization or in the field in general.  By acknowledging this change, I get the chance to decide if this is what I want.  I can then take the opportunity to intentionally see how I can shift my day to day in order to realign with what I would prefer to be doing.  

Through this self reflection, resetting naturally involves redefining your priorities.  Through the push and pull of daily demands, we tend to lose sight of what’s most important, giving in to what gets us through the day.  Resets allow us to take a broader perspective to see if we’re on track with what we really want.  It also involves being realistic about what we do have the power to change and what we can’t control.  A reset can shift us from putting blame on things to taking stock of what power we do have.

Once you have a better perspective on what’s not working, what you want to move toward, and what you can change, it helps to set goals and evaluate your progress toward them. This puts your reset into achievable steps.  Rather than simply saying, I’m going to do better this semester, we can break it down into specific pieces that help us take action.  For example, using the school analogy, I’m going to work with a tutor this year in Math, or I’m going to attend three school events each month, etc.  The point is, in order to achieve the desired change it helps to outline the action steps needed to take us toward the goal and then measure our progress. Do your goals align with your priorities and do the action steps bring you closer to the goals?  Unlike school, however, we get to choose when and how we are tested.  But if we don’t stop to evaluate the progress of our change, it’s easy for it to drift or to keep pursuing goals that don’t bring us the desired results.

And don’t forget to clean out your backpack.  Truly.  One of the things that helps people with a back to school fresh start is clearing out the clutter left behind.  This clutter could be mental, such as bad habits or attitudes.  A reset could offer an opportunity to create a new schedule or a new structure that will support our priorities, such as joining a group or journaling to keep track of our experience.  Or the clutter could be physical, such as the accumulation of stuff in your environment that bogs you down or gets in the way of feeling efficient and focused.  Sometimes we get so used to the broken latch or the stove that doesn’t really work that it creates an accumulation of annoyances that can be lifted by doing some simple reorganization or home repairs.  Just cleaning out my refrigerator makes me want to cook, for example.  Or fixing the light on the front porch that I curse every time I trip in the dark creates a sense of relief and a momentum for success.

And finally, and maybe the part I miss the most, don’t forget to reward yourself with some back to school shopping.  Just because you don’t go to school doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from a refreshed look that matches with your renewed priorities!  Or a new bag to hold the lunch you’re now packing!  Resets should offer a little bit of fun and excitement.  I still have vivid memories about the new dress my mom would let us choose each year for the first day of school (ah, that plaid jumper in third grade).  I would hang it on my doorway and count down until I could wear it.  My mom was smart to distract us with something shiny and new to look forward to. Because with four kids, what a relief it must have been to see us all off on the school bus after a long summer of us at home. 

There’s a reason why organizations have strategic planning sessions, annual meetings, and retreats. Just like Back to School time, without a planned break in the action, it’s so easy to just keep rolling along. A back to school mindset can help us clean off the dust we’ve picked up along the way and make sure we’re rolling in the right direction!