In my last post, inspired by my yearly Back to School nostalgia, I proposed the idea of  applying a Back to School attitude to areas of our life where we might benefit from a reset.  This process involved letting go of old attitudes or habits, clarifying priorities and goals, and cleaning out clutter to set the stage for a fresh start.  But sometimes what needs resetting is a relationship that has gone off track or maybe could just benefit from a tune up.  It gets a bit trickier to apply a reset to a relationship, however.  We can’t just simply start over, as there’s a lot of history, and we can’t control the other person to make them align with what we want.  But there are some strategies we can use to freshen up a relationship and with the advice I’ve reviewed from a multitude of relationship experts, I’ll share what might be helpful in applying a Back to School mindset with others.

Most experts advise that the first step in a relationship reset is to assess what is currently working and not working in your relationship.  If possible, do it with the other person and be prepared to be open to what they have to say.  Keeping a positive frame is important, making it clear you’re engaging in the process as a way to show love or a desire to be closer to someone.  Share what you may have learned about yourself or ways that you notice that you’ve grown, as well as how they have.  Also, list the strengths and what is working in addition to what you may want to shift.  And be collaborative.  Set some goals that would benefit the both of you and avoid piling blame on things you can’t change.

A next step may be to make some plans together.  Sometimes it can be helpful to start some new activities or habits together.  It can build a sense of trust and partnership.  It can also help in setting aside old baggage.  For example if you used to run together, but one of you is slower and it caused conflict, try a new activity where you both can be beginners.  Starting something new can help to let go of old baggage. Our brain’s crave novel experiences, which in turn can enhance connection and interest in the relationship.  Maybe you can take on a project that excites you both. Research shows that when people work together as a team, the quality and satisfaction in the relationship is significantly improved.  And see how you can make it fun. Perhaps you can make a chores chart and if all the chores get done, you get take out, for example. Finding ways to align together in a change can create more intimacy rather than fuel resentment and disconnection by waiting for the other person to change.

Research also shows it’s important to spend time apart, even if it’s going for a short walk by yourself.  Being alone gives you time to process things happening in your day and to consolidate your own identity and reactions.  In turn, this helps us be less reactive to others and to be more in touch with what’s most important to who we are, helping us to be less defensive or threatened by the demands of a relationship.  And when you re-engage, make sure you express the appreciation you have for the other person.  Often we have a lot of love in our hearts, but we don’t feel the need to show it.  Studies show that the most successful relationships included the expressions of appreciation and the more specific the better.  For example when you notice your partner having taken care of a task, taking a moment to say something about what they did and how it mattered to you can be a great way to keep the relationship fresh.  When someone makes a gesture of kindness, the tendency is for the other person to want to reciprocate.  A reset may involve nothing more than a few thoughtful actions or words that can change the tenor and mood between people.

Most therapists are big believers in systems theory of change.  Succinctly put, any change that happens in one area of a system will affect change throughout the entire system.  It’s an important concept when thinking about relationship change.  Sometimes we don’t have the opportunity or authority to talk with a willing partner about what we’d like to reset in our relationship, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make change that matters.  By changing your own behavior you reset the equilibrium of a relationship and can impact your interactions.  For example, maybe you can’t tell your boss that you don’t like how she presents feedback, but you can initiate a conversation in a style that is more comfortable for you.  Or if someone is insensitive to your feelings, you can shift your conversations to more superficial topics to protect yourself.  Or the reverse, maybe asking some questions to get to know someone will help you feel closer.  We often have more power than we think when it comes to how our conversations and relationship patterns go.  Looking at your own reset can help empower you in relational situations where you’ve felt frustrated or disrespected.

And I can’t finish a post about using a Back to School mindset without the shopping.  Whenever we start something new, even if it’s a new approach to something old, having something tangible can be helpful.  Why not try a new restaurant, or buy a new pair of pajamas, or a new pair of candlesticks for your table? While we can’t buy our way out of bad habits or patterns, we can use a new purchase to remind us of our goals or new intentions. The more we invest in our relationship, the more we will be rewarded, right?