I often hear women struggling with the feeling they aren’t good enough.  Despite juggling a heavy range of demands in an impressive manner, they feel inadequate and convinced that they aren’t living up to expectations.  Particularly in the area of parenting, women tend to set an impossible standard that they should always know and do the right thing for their family. Unreasonable, right?  Exhausting, for sure?  But most of all, it can lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional suffering!  So with Mother’s Day approaching, I thought attacking the monster of perfectionism might be the perfect thing.

Research consistently shows that women engage in perfectionistic thinking more often than men.  A recent study indicates a particular rise for women in what is categorized as “socially prescribed perfectionism,” rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. Behind the idea of needing to be perfect is the sense that you are inadequate and need to do better.  It often comes in the form of a critical inner voice that’s constantly evaluating every move for what could be and should be better.  There is a strong pressure to prove your worth driven by an underlying deep fear of failure.

Dr. Brene Brown’s research indicates that women tend to lack confidence, which leads them to perfectionistic tendencies.  They feel they have to get everything right in order to prove their value.  Women tend to hold back on answering questions in school, asking for raises, or speaking up at all because they feel they have to have the right answer and are afraid to take a risk of being wrong.  Dr. Brown’s research also shows that women particularly struggle with perfectionism related to mothering, caregiving, and body image.  This leads to extra pressure in taking on the demands of paid work in addition to the invisible demands (emotional and caretaking duties) of unpaid work.  Often, when women don’t jump into caretaking, they’re seen as selfish, which creates more internal and external pressure.

Social media has directly led to an increase in feelings of inadequacy.  Research shared in Psychology Today shows a pattern of women comparing themselves to screen images of distorted body shape, travel, success, and socializing.  Social media creates an “endless comparison cycle, leaving women feeling conflicted between trying to achieve higher standards or having lower self esteem.”  Perfectionism can lead to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.  More generally, it can lead to burn-out, procrastination, relationship issues, and insomnia.

There are ways to fight back against the perfectionism monster living in our psyches, however.  One important  process is called “distancing.”  Distancing is a way of zooming out from our inner chatter and seeing a bigger picture. One way to distance is to think about the future. What will you feel about this matter tomorrow, three months from now, or even a year from now?  Another way to distance is to use the third person while talking to yourself.  Dr. Kross, an expert on self talk research, found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I”, and started observing themselves more like a bystander, it was “like flipping a switch.”  The inner dialogue became more constructive and more positive than when addressing themselves in the first person.

Practice the motto “good enough.”  It takes letting go, but this can be liberating.  Trauma specialist and physician Gabor Mate reminds his patients that the feeling of being legitimate comes from within.  Chasing after external validation robs us of joy, playfulness, and the ability to be fully present with whatever we are doing or whoever we are with.

I tend to see perfectionism as a survival strategy people employ in order to cope with feeling vulnerable.  If they do it right, do more, and control everything, they can protect themselves from what it is they fear will be wrong.  And what can make us feel more vulnerable than parenting?  Like most aspects of parenting, in order to grow and to support your child in their growth, it involves letting go.  And what can be more scary?  But it’s also the most loving thing to do for yourself and for your children.  Be the monster slaying hero by showing the people you love that while it’s important we try our best, it’s also ok to be good enough.  Because nothing could be more perfect than allowing ourselves and our children to feel loved for being who we are, just as we are!