In my town, both celebrated and dreaded, it’s ”back to school” time. Although at this point in my life it really doesn’t affect me very much, except for good sales and bad traffic, I tend to become deeply nostalgic.  I loved back to school time. I relished the reliability and promise of a fresh start.  I would anticipate the new classes and teachers I’d have, the brand new set of pencils and notebooks, and with college and graduate school, maybe even a change in apartments.  While there’s a lot to be said for the stability of a long term job or relationship, it’s easy to take things for granted without an imposed transition, both in becoming complacent with what is and losing our perspective about how we could be doing better.  So in this post I’m going invite you to step back from your day to day to apply the perspective of a back to school mindset on the long term aspects of your life. 

Back to school offers a clean slate and with it the perfect chance for change.  But whether you’re truly starting something new or resetting something that’s been ongoing, to take advantage of the process, it really needs to start with self reflection.  How’s it going right now?  What went well this past year and what would I like to be different?  We can’t make any effective changes unless we understand where we are now and where we’ve come from.  I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years this summer.  I think back to the roles and responsibilities that I was hired to do, and compared to what I’m doing now, a lot has changed.  Some of it required some conscious thought, especially with changes brought on by the pandemic, and some of it just slowly evolved over time in reaction to things happening in my organization or in the field in general.  By acknowledging this change, I get the chance to decide if this is what I want.  I can then take the opportunity to intentionally see how I can shift my day to day in order to realign with what I would prefer to be doing.  

Through this self reflection, resetting naturally involves redefining your priorities.  Through the push and pull of daily demands, we tend to lose sight of what’s most important, giving in to what gets us through the day.  Resets allow us to take a broader perspective to see if we’re on track with what we really want.  It also involves being realistic about what we do have the power to change and what we can’t control.  A reset can shift us from putting blame on things to taking stock of what power we do have.

Once you have a better perspective on what’s not working, what you want to move toward, and what you can change, it helps to set goals and evaluate your progress toward them. This puts your reset into achievable steps.  Rather than simply saying, I’m going to do better this semester, we can break it down into specific pieces that help us take action.  For example, using the school analogy, I’m going to work with a tutor this year in Math, or I’m going to attend three school events each month, etc.  The point is, in order to achieve the desired change it helps to outline the action steps needed to take us toward the goal and then measure our progress. Do your goals align with your priorities and do the action steps bring you closer to the goals?  Unlike school, however, we get to choose when and how we are tested.  But if we don’t stop to evaluate the progress of our change, it’s easy for it to drift or to keep pursuing goals that don’t bring us the desired results.

And don’t forget to clean out your backpack.  Truly.  One of the things that helps people with a back to school fresh start is clearing out the clutter left behind.  This clutter could be mental, such as bad habits or attitudes.  A reset could offer an opportunity to create a new schedule or a new structure that will support our priorities, such as joining a group or journaling to keep track of our experience.  Or the clutter could be physical, such as the accumulation of stuff in your environment that bogs you down or gets in the way of feeling efficient and focused.  Sometimes we get so used to the broken latch or the stove that doesn’t really work that it creates an accumulation of annoyances that can be lifted by doing some simple reorganization or home repairs.  Just cleaning out my refrigerator makes me want to cook, for example.  Or fixing the light on the front porch that I curse every time I trip in the dark creates a sense of relief and a momentum for success.

And finally, and maybe the part I miss the most, don’t forget to reward yourself with some back to school shopping.  Just because you don’t go to school doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from a refreshed look that matches with your renewed priorities!  Or a new bag to hold the lunch you’re now packing!  Resets should offer a little bit of fun and excitement.  I still have vivid memories about the new dress my mom would let us choose each year for the first day of school (ah, that plaid jumper in third grade).  I would hang it on my doorway and count down until I could wear it.  My mom was smart to distract us with something shiny and new to look forward to. Because with four kids, what a relief it must have been to see us all off on the school bus after a long summer of us at home. 

There’s a reason why organizations have strategic planning sessions, annual meetings, and retreats. Just like Back to School time, without a planned break in the action, it’s so easy to just keep rolling along. A back to school mindset can help us clean off the dust we’ve picked up along the way and make sure we’re rolling in the right direction!

What’s the saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, it’s on me, and I’m feeling shame.  In the past short while I’ve been pulled into two unfortunate scam situations.  One involved clicking on something that exposed my computer to a potentially disastrous virus (I haven’t seen my husband run that fast in a while).  The other was when purchasing an item online, I clicked on an offer to get free shipping, which ultimately led to three months of $18 charges to be a part of their “reward program.”  I surely did not feel rewarded and, in fact, felt like a fool wasting considerable time connecting to their customer service to undo my future “rewards.”  I did feel a little better, though, when an article in my American Psychological Association journal caught my eye, literally titled “Nobody’s Fool:  Why We Get Taken In and What We Can Do About It.”  I thought I’d share a few tips to help us all avoid these inevitable lapses in judgment that at best cause us aggravation, and at worst can lead to considerable losses and betrayals.

In their research, Daniel Simons, PhD, and Christopher Chabris, PhD, examined the cognitive habits that put us at risk of being deceived.  What most scammers have in common is their use of “the mental shortcuts and patterns of thinking we tend to use in our daily lives.”  As they explain, most of the time, these habits serve us well.  It would be too challenging and time consuming to go through life skeptical of everything we hear and read.  But the same habits of trust and belief that work well most of the time leave us vulnerable to people who are trying to mislead us.  And we all tend to think we’re smarter than the people we hear about who’ve gotten scammed.  The reason for that, the researchers note, is that whenever you hear about a scam, it’s in retrospect and happening to someone else.  But when a scam is targeting you, in particular, meeting your own demand, wish, or want in the moment, you’re more likely to fall for it.  The authors conclude that most of us can be deceived if the targeting is aimed at us and takes advantage of the way we think and the information we’re looking for.

One common cognitive bias we have is the truth bias, our default tendency to think whatever we hear or read or encounter is true.  We have this bias as a natural result of being social.  We rely on it in order to make plans, have conversations, and go about our days engaging in the world.  Another cognitive bias involves our focus.  We tend to rely on the information that’s right in front of us, that’s easily at hand.  This information is often provided for us, conveniently oriented to getting us to do what the scammer wants us to do.  Another bias is our own desire.  When someone gives us exactly what we’re looking for (free shipping anyone?), we tend to accept it much more readily than if someone tells us the opposite of what we want to hear.  We’re much more likely to forward a post on Instagram without stopping to think when it matches our beliefs.

A lot of scams involve promising something that’s too good to be true, like a medical benefit or investment outcome.  The problem is, that what sounds too good to be true to one person is just good enough for someone else to want to try it. And that’s all a scammer needs, is that right person who is just wanting it enough to try it.  A general principle the authors share is that anytime you are promised a big effect from a small intervention, that’s when you should require the strongest amount of evidence.  Can one daily supplement really get rid of all of your wrinkles? Scammers play the odds.  The Nigerian prince email looks ridiculous, but it doesn’t have to fool most people.  It only has to convince a handful of people who are willing to respond.  And in this way, the scammers have selected out the people most likely to send money.  Or the people most vulnerable to pressure tactics who are especially afraid of being penalized by the IRS or some other institution of authority when threatened.

Almost everybody is capable of being conned or scammed under the right circumstances (Theranos?).  But it’s wearisome to go about life always on guard and skeptical.  It’s important to know for yourself when it actually matters to put in the effort to second guess and fact check.  For bigger decisions with large consequences or times when just taking an extra minute might save you time and money later, it can surely be worth it.

It helps to be aware that, in general,  all of us are more vulnerable to scams than we realize. A few questions to ask in order to weed out possible deception:

-Did you solicit the offer or was it unsolicited?

-Were you called by an outside party?  If yes, can you call them back?

-Does the deal look too good to be true?

-Are you asked to keep the information confidential?

-Do you have to send money in order to start the process?

-Is there any urgency communicated by the other party?

-Is there an enticing prize or reward involved?

-Do you have to provide details that you wouldn’t normally have to provide?

And a final point, which is my biggest vulnerability, is time!  Most often I’m vulnerable to clicking on something when I’m in a hurry.  It’s usually in the morning when I’m sorting through emails and want to get done before I’m off to work.  I was click happy in the case of the virus email.  And in the case of my “free shipping” reward, I’d spent so long choosing my beloved gift in just the right size, that checking out was the afterthought.  I went for the big colorful button that said “Free Shipping Reward” and, apparently, missed the fine print.  And even more apparently,  I’m gullible enough to think the company wanted to give me a reward for just being little ol’ me! 

We all go through hard times of profound disappointment or even complete heart break when things don’t turn out as we’d really wanted them to.  Our friends, trying to be comforting, tell us, “things usually work out for the best,” but to be honest, it makes you want to punch them, right?  Because things are not working out for the best.  We are hurt, annoyed, and very sad.  Our hopes and dreams have been thwarted and the future we planned has been snatched away.  And then the self doubt tends to creep in.  What did I do wrong, why didn’t they choose me, and, the biggest fear of all, what if I never have this opportunity again?

Throughout my life I’ve often wished for a crystal ball.  I would think to myself, it would be so much easier to let this thing go if I could see in a crystal ball that it will end up ok.  How comforting it would be to know that despite how hard it is right now, some day it will feel better and I will look back at this hurtful experience as an important crossroads that led to something better.  Perspective is such a hard thing to have when you’re in the middle of a crisis. It’s so much easier to look back to see how not getting one thing led to something better in the long run.  But at the time of the loss or disappointment, you have no idea of where things will lead or if things will work out in the end.  You are engulfed with the powerless feeling of loss and unfulfilled potential.

One of the best things about getting older is the benefit of a LOT of hindsight.  At the time I didn’t get into the graduate school of my choice, I thought my career was going to end before it started.  But eventually I got into a program that was a much better fit, with much better funding, and although it was not the shortest path to my goal, I was better off for the detour.  And same thing with relationships.  When I was heartbroken over what I thought was the right one, another detour led to my current life partner.  With so many years of seeing how life will twist and turn to bring you unexpected opportunities, it’s much easier to have faith in things working out in the long run.  You develop the confidence that you can trust yourself to heal from your sadness and move forward toward the unknown of what can be.

So the fact is we have to be our own crystal ball image makers. We need to supply ourselves with reassuring visions that reflect our capacities and resilience. So much of anxiety is really thoughts of potentially bad things happening that we won’t be able to handle.  But if we can tap into a reservoir of self-confidence that we have what it takes to make the best of what is coming, we can then tell ourselves, and believe, that we will be ok.  Despite how hard things may be at the moment, it’s the trust in our own ability that can comfort us. In this way, the future, rather than being a scary place of dead ends becomes an array of possible paths we can take to find our way to contentment.

Experiencing rejection or disappointment is hard as hell, I’m really not wanting to minimize this.  But often, especially when we’re young or inexperienced in an area of life, we make it even harder with our own tortuous projections of future failures or unfulfilled longings.   Before you reach my age of long living, I hope I can support you in a healthy perspective that may ease your pain and comfort you through a difficult change.  Create your own crystal ball that shows you the dreams you will make happen rather than fears you will be haunted by.  And don’t forget to polish it up every now and then with the strokes of those who love you.  They’re often great mirrors to reflect your strengths and hold the hope for you during the times when you aren’t able.

Ok, a little post I hope will give you a big shot of inspiration.  And to do so, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Here he is:

Just look at that smile!  Look at the shirt with the turtles on it that reads “Slow AF Run Club!!!”  Recently featured in the NY Times,  Martinus Evans started running after feeling angry at how he was treated at a doctor’s visit.  Within a year he was running a marathon and began to gain followers on his Instagram @300poundsandrunning where he shared his experiences of running as a big man.  After years of being harassed by thin, white runners, he started a club to encourage and support those who wanted to run, but felt they didn’t fit what a runner should do or should look like.  Now with over 10,000 members (10,001 with me now) the Slow AF Run Club is all about forming and supporting an inclusive community for people that want to run regardless of ability or size.  It’s not centered on weight loss or winning races, but well-being, measuring success not by numbers (speed or weight) but by engagement and resilience.  

After reading his book, I’m back at it, having given up running because I felt slow and old.  I’m still very slow and am getting even older, but the Club has given me a new perspective. If I want to run, and if I go out and run, then I’m a runner!  It feels much better to do it in my own way than to stop myself from doing it because I’m not doing it a certain way. This also got me thinking about all the other things we hold ourselves back from doing because we’re worried about failing, looking ridiculous, and being judged.  I’ve seen the question asked, if you could be guaranteed of success, what would you try?  It gets right to the heart of our insecurity and how the pressure to be great at something often keeps us from participating.  Think about all the possibilities if you had the Slow AF Club type of support to let go of expectations and participate in something you wanted to try: the Clumsy AF Club, the Dumb AF Club, the Awkward AF Club, it goes on and on.  

And it’s not just our internal voices that are so judgmental, it is a reality.  We have a cultural bias to think that once you’re an adult, you should only do something if you’re good at it or fit the mold of what is expected.  You’ll be given side-eyed looks, unsolicited advice, or even made fun of at times.  Martinus shares about his experience of being told during races to “lose weight and come back when you’re faster.”  He’s had the police called on him for being a black man running through certain neighborhoods.  And he’s not been able to find running clothes in his size, being shamed by store clerks and salespeople.  That’s why in his book he writes about the real world for us slow runners and how to get through it.  His chapters cover finding clothes online, chafing realities and compression clothing, how to choose races that won’t close down the course before you’re done, finishing last, and how to let go of comparing yourself to others.

In whatever we try it’s so important to set our own goals and measure our progress and success in our own way.  I’m so inspired by Martinus’ courage to challenge the norms and speak out about it.  And by the huge response, he’s clearly tapped into a need that many of us had to give ourselves permission to be in our bodies in our own way and for society to make space for all types of people on the trail, the track, and the race course.  I’m now picking a race to train for and am proud AF to be a turtle!!!  I hope anyone reading this will also be inspired to take a chance and challenge a norm for something that excites them, even if they are slow, clumsy, dumb, or awkward.  What limiting stereotype would you like to say “F” it” to?

While my last few posts covered the topic of social support, how important it is and how to give it to someone, I thought before leaving the topic I should address the issue of asking for help.  Sooooo scary, right?  For lots of people, the idea of asking for help is one of the most difficult things.  Way harder than giving help!  So let’s look at what the barriers may be and how to get the help you need (or have convinced yourself you don’t need, but could really use!)

Why is asking for help so hard?  In general, asking for help involves overcoming a series of layers of different types of vulnerability.  One roadblock is a fear of rejection. It’s hard to be vulnerable in this way, opening yourself up to be turned down.  Another vulnerability is the feeling of weakness.  Particularly in our Western culture, the idea of needing help is often judged as being inferior.  We’re a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” society that values independence and self reliance to an extreme.  Asking for help implies that we are imperfect.  Some of us hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards and asking for help is an admission that we failed at something, admitting we can’t handle everything or, heaven forbid, made a mistake!  Or that you’re in pain or confused by something.  We have to show our tender side when we ask for help.

Another aspect of asking for help that can be difficult is our discomfort with certain types of relational interactions.  Many people fear burdening someone else or being an inconvenience.  We tend to project our feeling that we are a bother on to others and flinch at the idea of someone using up time or energy for us.  For others, they’re very uncomfortable with the feeling of owing someone.  If they ask for help, they will immediately feel obligated or indebted.  Asking for help is seen as transactional, a quid pro quo situation that leaves unfinished business.  Past bad experiences of asking for help can cloud our vision for what may be available to us in the present.

And finally, another barrier to asking for help is sheer overwhelm.  When we’re experiencing a crisis, we’re stretched thin and preoccupied.  It might feel like it’s too much of an effort or we just don’t have the energy or the hope that help will be of any use.  When you’ve just had something really bad happen, it’s hard to imagine that something good might be available or that anything could lessen the pain.  We fear we’re a dark cloud that nobody would want to associate with.   Sometimes the ask for help might just need to be for help in getting help.

Because asking for help during a crisis can be so fraught with emotional challenges, we often don’t do it well.  I, for one, tend to have the fantasy that someone will read my mind and know what I might need without me having to ask.  Or, we hint, without explicitly stating our need, and then feel let down if someone doesn’t pick up on it. 

Here are a few tips to try to be more effective in asking for help.  First, be as clear as you can about what you need.  Reducing miscommunication will increase the likelihood of you getting what you want and, in fact, makes it easier for the giver.  For example, it’s ok to ask someone if they have some time, as you could really use someone to listen.  And it’s ok to gently let someone know when they have misunderstood you or if they are saying things that are not helpful (“dumping in,” as is described in the last post).  Acknowledge their desire to be of help, but give feedback as to what you might prefer.  And if possible, try to match the ask to the person who can make it happen.  For example, some people are better at doing tasks for you, such as helping with a ride, and some people are better at emotional support.  Some people are good at connecting you with resources and some are good at knowing how to get you to laugh when you need it. It might be of great benefit to let someone organize your help with one of the great websites that allow people to sign up for the help they can offer (Slack for example).

And finally, the most important thing when asking for help is to allow yourself to receive it.   Don’t apologize for asking or act like you’re doing something wrong or shameful.  While someone may not be able to fix a situation or make things right again, they may be able to ease your burden.  Because, for heavens sake, it’s not all about you! (JK, it is). It might help to remember there is a LOT of research that shows how beneficial it is to the GIVER to do something that’s helpful.  By asking, you give someone an opportunity to feel a sense of purpose, connection, and a way to increase their feel good hormones.  When we receive with dignity, we validate the value of the relationships in our lives.  Allowing yourself to be loved and cared for is a key component to getting the help you need.  This will not only make your life easier, but will also make you and others happier.  

As a follow up to my last post, which was a follow up to the post before, I am continuing to reflect on the importance of social support.  As a therapist who often hears the sadness and feelings of isolation that people can feel when they’re going through a hard time, I see a pattern of well intentioned people actually causing more pain for people that need the comfort.  Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to pull away from someone who needs help out of fear of not knowing what to say or do.  Or, in trying to be helpful, mistake their own feelings and needs for the other persons and burden them rather than support them.  In today’s post, I want to share a creative concept that I hope makes you feel more confident in being there for someone and will help you be more helpful.

My brother recently sent me an article he saw in the LA Times describing “Ring Theory” that succinctly and with good imagery helps create rules for providing helpful support.  I need to give credit to Psychology Today writers for giving additional background.  The concept of Ring Theory was started by Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist, and her friend, Barry Goldman, after her experience with breast cancer.  What Dr. Silk noticed doing her difficult journey was that people often, believing they were offering support, would vent or give opinions in an attempt to “fix” her situation.  In sharing their emotional reactions about her experience, they  inadvertently made it about themselves, when what she wanted was to be given comfort.  In reflecting on what was needed, the idea of Ring Theory was developed to guide people toward offering a specific type of support most needed during a period of crisis. 

To create the rings, start by drawing a ring around the name of the person who is at the center of the current trauma.  Then draw a ring around this ring and put in the name of the person or people next closest to the trauma.  Continue adding concentric circles, repeating the process of adding more intimate family and friends closer and more distant family and community in the outer circles.  What you have now created is what Silk describes as a “kvetching order.” (kvetch=whining/complaining)

Now come the rules, simply put in four words:  Comfort In.  Dump Out.  

In other words, whoever is in the centermost ring gets to whine, complain, cry, and vent as much as they need and want to.  The other people also get to freely express their feelings and concerns, but the big difference is to whom they can direct their fears and negative feelings.  They can only direct these feelings to someone in a larger circle than their own.  That is the idea of “dumping out”; you express and process your pain with someone who is less affected by the trauma.  In this way, the circles protects people who need to be listened to and cared for, without creating further burden on them. 

For example, if your friend just lost her mother to cancer, your role would be to listen and tell her you are sorry for her loss and ask what she might need (comfort in).  You would bring a dish of food to help feed her family.  But the fears you have of cancer or how hard it will be to lose your own mother should be shared with your own friends or family who can help support you with your worries, as they’re in a ring larger than your own.  Fears and anxieties are normal responses to a crisis, but should not be dumped “in” on the person in crisis, but dumped “out” toward someone who can comfort you.

Think back to the times you were most comforted by someone.  It probably did not sound like,”You should hear what happened to me,” or “Here’s what I would do” or even, “This is making me so sad.”  Comfort and caring for someone in crisis focuses on giving the person your time and attention to say what they feel and need.  Most often, it’s not what you say at all, but your being present that provides the comfort of not being alone in the crisis.  Sharing the burden offers relief and reduces stress.  It also might be good to do some practical things like cleaning the house for them or offering child care.  

I think the creation of rings is, in essence, a way to acknowledge and create boundaries.  Often during a crisis, roles and feelings can be confusing as emotions are high and there is most often a lot of uncertainty.  We all react differently depending on our histories and resources.  Finding where you are in the layers of rings can be a great way to identify what role you can play for others and who can be there for you.  Who you should comfort and who you can dump your own stuff on.   Because in general, there’s never a right or wrong thing to feel or say when something traumatic happens, but there can be a right or wrong person to say these things to.  Rings help remind us what role we should play at a particular time in our circles of love.

“It’s so hard to meet people,” is a phrase I heard echoed by many last night in the group I led.  It’s such a common frustration, but even more so since the pandemic changed our world of interacting in such profound ways. So as a follow up to my last post about the importance of social support and the risks, both physically and emotionally of loneliness, I thought I would focus this post on what we can do about it.

First, it might be good to take stock of what social supports you do have and what might need strengthening. There are different types of support.  Emotional support is what people think about most often when we think of connection.  It’s the people who listen to you, show empathy, and tell you they care about you.  They check in on you when you are going through a hard time.  Another type of social support is practical help.  These are the people who you can turn to when you need someone to watch your child, help you move a couch, or lend you a tool.  They make the tasks of daily life easier to get through.  Information sharing is another form of social support.  It can be very helpful to have people who can give you resources or share information about how to get something accomplished such as planning an event or looking for a new job.  

Our network of social support ebbs and flows depending on our age and circumstance.  If you went to college, remember how easy it was to find someone to hang out with?  Just step out of your dorm room and there would be plenty of people hanging out in the hallway to chat with.  But now that you’re older, living in the house you always wanted, it may be much harder to have that spontaneous companionship.   People often have to make changes to their support network when they experience important life changes.  Becoming a parent or losing a spouse are often times when people may need to expand their social network to find people who are a good fit for their new circumstances.  A conscious change in lifestyle is another time when we need to renegotiate our relationships.  If you are quitting drinking or smoking, you may need to find people who can support your new choice in behaviors.  Or if you allow yourself the opportunity to take on a new hobby or explore a new identity or value set, you may really benefit from the support of joining like minded people to offer advice, knowledge, or encouragement.

Once you realize the type of support you’re looking for, it helps to have a plan of how you might find it.  The first step in your plan will most likely be getting comfortable with the fact that you will have to take some social risks (ahhhh!).  But you can do it and it gets easier with practice.  Seeking out people and introducing yourself can feel so vulnerable, but it’s much easier if you join a club or get involved in an activity or attend an event where you are more likely to meet people with something in common and a way to talk to them.  Volunteering or taking a class gives you a structure to be around people with a common activity and goal, which should make it easier to strike up that conversation.

You can also reevaluate your current social network.  Sometimes people will give you what you need if you let them know you need it.  We’re often afraid to let people know what we’re feeling, but sharing your vulnerability with others is an important way to build intimacy and understanding.  In addition, be the support for someone else that you would like to have.  We often get into habits and patterns with friendships.  If you offer to help someone move their piano, they will remember your generosity and be more likely to offer help when you need it.  And don’t be afraid to accept help, either.  Allowing someone the good feeling of being there for you deepens friendships.  When reciprocity is mutual, it increases the likelihood that a source of social support will stand the test of time.  This goes for sharing more than just things.  In order to feel accepted by others, we need to give them the chance to know who we really are.  And we need to be accepting of them.  Honesty and authenticity are truly foundations to strengthening our current relationships and feeling accepted and good about ourselves.

A good social network, like any good relationship, takes nurturing.  We can’t expect people to be there for us when we need it if we haven’t kept up our connections.  While it’s so easy to lose touch with people, small gestures can make a big difference.  Remembering someone’s birthday or the anniversary of a difficult date can mean a lot.  And picking up the phone when someone calls or returning an email sends a message that they matter.  Like our health, it helps to get in a routine of eating and exercising.  Taking 15 minutes out of your day to speak to someone or reach out is a powerful use of your time.

And yes, our phones can be a great way to connect, but it has its limits and drawbacks.  While staring at our phones, we miss making eye contact with people and the chance to acknowledge and share in what is happening around us. Having our headphones in sends a message that we’re occupied and don’t want to be bothered with conversation. Take stock in how you’re using your technology.  Is it enhancing positive and deep connection or making you feel less than or more alone?  Are you giving a message to others that you are present and interested or are you looking at your phone out of the corner of your eye while someone is telling you a story?  It’s so easy to be unaware of small gestures that may be adding up to increase our sense of isolation from one another. 

There is no doubt that working to expand our network takes patience and courage.  Research has shown that in the process of using our phones while in public or texting instead of calling, we have actually lost our confidence at being social.  We have grown more intimidated by the possibility of rejection.  In his Surgeon General ‘s Report on the epidemic of loneliness, Dr. Vivek calls on workplaces, schools, technology companies, and community organizations to make changes that will boost the country’s connectedness.  He advocates for setting up environments and activities that increase authentic interpersonal engagement.  But we can do a lot personally just with some important small changes in our daily life.  

One of the biggest tools in the social engagement tool box?  A simple smile.  We are drawn to bond with people who show us that they are friendly and interested in interacting with us.  A smile is like a welcome sign that says you are open and willing to engage.  And besides, smiling actually releases a feel good hormone in your body.  So even if no one smiles back at you, your smile will make you feel better, nonetheless!

“Hello, passengers,” Morgan says in his announcement. “My name is Morgan Calles, and I am 6 years old. I love trains and buses. Today, the M.T.A. is letting me share an important announcement: If you see someone at risk of falling onto the tracks, please get help immediately. Tell a police officer or an M.T.A. employee. Be safe and happy Autism Awareness Month.”

During the entire month of April, New York City subway riders were treated to public service announcements recorded by children with autism.  According to feedback from both subway riders and the children, it was a definite win-win experience.  Children with autism often have a special affinity for trains, intently focusing on the technical aspects of the trains, the schedules and maps, reports Jonathan Trichter, a founder of a school for children with developmental disabilities, who spearheaded the project.  The children were thrilled to hear their voices on the trains. And for the public, well, who wouldn’t crack a smile when hearing the joy in these young people’s voices.  Here, take a listen:

There is something about the authenticity of these announcements that touches me deeply.  The messages gently remind us that our society is made up of a wide variety of people, but that we all belong.  I imagine that subway car, full of people with all kinds of differences, chugging down the track together.  The person across from us may have autism. The person next to us may be homeless.  And the person next to her may have Parkinson’s disease.  We all have our unique identities and experiences, how wonderful it is to feel safe enough to announce it on the loudspeaker? To be offered acceptance, support, respect, and inclusion for being who we really are?

There is a large body of evidence regarding the importance for mental and physical health, as well as longevity, in having good social support.  But what is often overlooked is the key ingredient that makes social support protective.  It’s not just about having a lot of people in your life, or being popular.  In fact, some people have great social support, but only a few friends.  But the essence of social support is acceptance.  Supportive social connections are ones in which you can be vulnerable and authentic.  They’re the people with whom you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not or live up to an expectation.  These people give you a positive self image and are people you can ask for help when you need it.  

Recently the US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, put out an advisory titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”  In it he outlines the extraordinary costs in health, productivity, education, civic engagement, and more, of an increasing crisis of people struggling with loneliness.  He outlines the need for rebuilding social connection as a top public health priority.  According to research, one out of every two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness, a rate higher than any time measured before.  Dr. Vivek cites the breakdown of family structures, the decline in religious community involvement, isolating work environments, and increasingly atomized lifestyles as potential causes.  He writes, “and this is a time when so many people feel like we have to be a certain person to build a certain brand, to meet other people’s expectations.  I think to not be able to be who you are takes a real toll on people.”

And that clarifies for me the real public service provided by those young people with autism on the New York City Transit.  Yes, we should keep our arms and legs in the train when the doors close, we should pick up our litter and deposit it in the trash bins, and hold onto the hand rails, it’s true.   But in significant ways, these young voices announce not just the need for physical safety, but the importance of emotional safety.  They remind us of a vulnerability we all have in needing to belong and be accepted just as we are.  Awareness and acceptance are such powerful gifts we can offer someone.  It sets the stage for intimacy and authenticity, weaving our lives together in a resilient reciprocity of giving and receiving.  Maybe we can designate every month as Loneliness Awareness Month? 

Please indulge me a bit with my thinking.  I’ve been so impressed with the breathtaking scenes of this year’s wildflower superblooms, that it opened my eyes to other things that might superbloom in their own way, including people. 

“Superbloom” is a non-technical term that refers to rare episodes of above average wildflower blooms.  According to National Geographic, they happen when seeds that have laid dormant in the soil begin to germinate and blossom all at once.  I love this fact as a great metaphor.  We all have potential inside of us that lays dormant.  We may not have the time, energy, or resources to develop it, or the confidence to express it, but it builds within us, nonetheless, storing up for the right conditions to emerge.  

National Geographic elaborates that superblooms require a few basic ingredients to come to fruition:  months of consistent rain, cool night temperatures, and a well stocked seed bank.  What do people need?  I’m guessing the right combination of social support and mentorship, health, stability, and emotional readiness.  We might also benefit from the structure of a challenge in some form, like a play performance, a deadline for a project, or meeting that special person who inspires you to take a risk.

It makes me smile to think about times in my life I might look back and identify a superbloom period, like getting my doctorate, emerging from heavy grief after my sister’s death, or feeling great contentment in my every day. I can see superbloom episodes for my family, when my brother became a father, and as my children pushed through challenges, whether letting go of the “mean girl” friend or passing a high level exam that had kept them up at night with fears of failure.  Or superblooms for friends as they overcame a devastating divorce or sold a company that they had worked to make successful.  

But like the wildflower superblooms, we have to take time out to appreciate them and step back in awe to gain a full perspective.  And we have to treat the blossoms with care, no stomping or walking all over them for a photo.  Within us, we have to give ourselves permission to acknowledge our progress and celebrate our growth with tenderness.  And for others, we have to show up and “ooh and ahh” to say “I see you blooming” after what most likely required long periods of hard work and resilience.  For just like the wildflowers, human superblooms generally take years in the making. 

I guess the essence of a human superbloom is a period of time when conditions align in just the right way to nurture our inner potential into full expression. And like wildflower superblooms, it’s not a rate of growth we can expect to sustain, as nature and people have their seasons.  But when it happens, you don’t want to miss it, because it is spectacular!

Happy College Graduation, my baby girl!  You’re bloomin’ amazing!

With today being Easter Sunday and having personally just completed the Passover seders this week, I thought it was a good day to highlight the benefits of religion for good mental health.  Research is very clear and consistent that those who are involved in some sort of religious practice are healthier and happier than those who don’t!  Hard to believe?  Well, the good news is, you actually don’t have to be a true believer to be positively impacted.  Just the act of engaging in a religious practice is a process that can bring you a greater sense of peace and life satisfaction.

Overall, research shows that religious practice can help a person tolerate stress and generate a sense of purpose and forgiveness.  Religiosity reduces suicide rates, alcoholism, and drug use.  Large studies by the Pew Research Center show that adults who describe themselves as religious report higher life satisfaction, better family life experience, and are more likely to be engaged in their community.   Considerable research finds positive associations between religiosity and various dimensions of wellbeing, including physical health, mental health, life satisfaction, and happiness.  

The benefits of religion happen on many levels, which is why the results are so powerful.  One big benefit is the sense of community that religion can bring.  By being part of a religious community a person develops a sense of belonging in a group, social connections with other members, and access to reliable and safe social gatherings.  Religion also provides structure that helps with life transitions.  Rituals and ceremonies help people cope with loss as well as celebrate milestones and holidays.  And in doing so, religion provides teachings and guidelines in how to endure in hard circumstances, find moral clarity, and find forgiveness and gratitude.  

But what I found striking in my review of the effects of religion on mental health was how the process of engaging in religious practices of prayer and other ways of connecting to a higher power is much like the scientifically proven practices of mindfulness and cognitive therapy. Religious practice often involves a self reflective process that can lead to a sense of peace and greater awareness.  In a book based on her studies, Stanford anthropologist Tanya Luhrmann writes, “Prayer is a lot like cognitive behavioral therapy.  It’s a way you attend to your own inner experience, let go of distracting thoughts and focus on more positive thoughts.  By expressing gratitude, you shift your attention from the way that things are going wrong to the ways they are going right.”  In her studies, Luhrmann notes that MRI brain imaging indicates that in terms of results, talking to God resembles talking to a friend. Our efforts to connect to God are helpful in putting our thoughts and feelings into words and finding comfort and perspective in sharing them.  

So, for me, it’s easy to doubt my religious beliefs.  Especially when cleaning up all the dishes of the second night of the seders and sweeping up the layers of matzah crumbs, I begin to wonder if it’s worth all the fuss.  But then I look around the room at the people who have come together and the efforts we collectively engage in to  uphold our religious rituals and I feel truly moved.  I feel the thread of connection from the generations before me, now gone, who created these traditions, through the present generation who keep it going, and on to my children and nephews and imagine how they may carry it on in the future.  There is something truly profound in having traditions that connect us to something much bigger than ourselves, whatever religious foundation they may come from, that we share each and every year and with each and every generation.  Whether it’s an Easter egg hunt or a kugel recipe, a prayer or a psalm, the familiar rituals done in community are good for our hearts as well as our souls.  And in general, they are cheaper and easier to find than good therapy!