I was e-mailing back and forth with my friend about a family situation I was really worried about.  She was so kind to offer her support and really understood my concerns (thanks Deborah). At the end of her last e-mail she added what to her was just a quick afterthought, but to me was a genuinely profound observation.  “PS,” she wrote, “Please hold space for the possibility that things could be different (better).”

In reading her suggestion, it quickly became clear to me how much I was living in my fears.  Every thought I had about the family situation was a potential negative.  I was so single mindedly trying to prepare myself and my loved one for the worst, that it never even occurred to me that there actually was the possibility of a positive outcome.  Or even a not-so-bad outcome.  As soon as I cleared out space for something better amid the layers of my fears, I immediately felt relief.

It’s so natural for us to worry, especially about people we love and situations we have little control over.  But how much extra suffering do we add when we rule out the possibilities for things to work out differently than we fear?  And how much do our expectations affect our outcomes?  If I am only thinking about the negative, besides being painful, I might miss out on opportunities to influence things to be better.  Or I might fail to notice the ways that things actually ARE better than expected.  By anticipating the possibilities of a broad array of outcomes, we can balance our fears with our hopes.  We can also motivate ourselves to change.  Without the possibility that things could be different, why would we put in any effort?  By visualizing and anticipating how life could be, we create a template and a pathway to our goals.

The same can be true of holding only positive possibilities.  In my line of work, we might refer to this as denial.  When working with people in a state of denial, they either don’t let themselves think about the potential for a bad consequence to their behavior (such as getting pulled over after having a few drinks) or prepare for a possible change in their good fortune (like the fact that their house value won’t go up forever).  It can be frustrating to be partners with people like this, as their Pollyanna attitude often creates a dynamic where the other person has to be the worrier or holder of the bad news.

Like so much in life, balance is key.  Notice your tendencies.  Are you more likely to be blinded by your fears or caught unprepared for what others seem to anticipate?  We may have different tendencies for different types of situations.  We might be overly burdened with our worry for our child’s academic performance, yet in denial about our own health risks.  To help you evaluate if your expectations are in balance, notice any patterns in the feedback you get from others.  When we hold one end of the continuum, it’s likely someone else is holding the other.  Do teachers tell you not to worry so much about your children’s grades, while your husband repeatedly reminds you about seeing the doctor?

As my friend suggests, it’s best to create some space for a variety of outcomes, not just the ones you fear or fantasize.   When you do, not only will your expectations be more balanced, but so will your attention.  It can feel a lot better and even motivate you to take action if you consider all the possible outcomes of your situation. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by some hope and potential happiness when you make the space to find it.