The other night I drove two hours to drop my husband and daughter at the airport.  They’re off to look at a college, as the time has come to decide where she’ll go.  On the way home, listening to the radio, a song came on that reminded me of my father.  Suddenly, I began to cry.  Not just a tear rolling down my cheek, but the full-on, need a box of tissues, making sounds that were not human, kind of cry.  It’s been an emotional time of life for me, with joys, losses, and a lot of changes.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d been holding in until I let it all out.  Luckily, by the time I pulled in to the garage to greet my other daughter, I felt renewed (although I’m sure I looked run over).  The experience reminded me that while crying is a natural and biological response to distress that really helps, it seems so hard to do.  Even in therapy, it’s surprising how often my clients hold back their tears, dabbing at their faces, apologizing, needing my permission and strong encouragement to weep.

In graduate school they teach therapists that you shouldn’t rush to hand your client a tissue when the tears come, The reason behind this is that it may send the message that it’s not okay to cry, or that you can’thandle the pain, (Luckily after watching people struggle with runny nises and wet hands, I’ve learned other ways to convey acceptance).

 This trained attention to the subtle messages in response to tears, however, speaks to a cultural discomfort that makes it difficult to cry, especially in front of others.  Somehow we’ve associated shedding tears as a sign of weakness or a lack of control.  Unfortunately, by creating such barriers, we miss out on a lot of the benefits of crying as a natural mechanism for healing and coping with change.

Studies reveal that crying helps us in a number of ways.  It can elevate our mood better and faster than anti-depressants (a University of Florida study).  Producing tears causes a release of hormones that can provide a feeling of relief, even if our circumstances still remain the same.  In analyzing the make-up of tears, research shows it actually helps our bodies release toxins and stress hormones, which reduces tension, in contrast to stuffing feelings which leads to elevated blood pressure, headaches, and chronic pain.  Crying also releases pent up anger as well as sadness.  It can boost communication, as when we cry, we show our distress and pain, letting people know what hurts.  Tears reveal our deep caring and express our vulnerability.  Professor Roger Baker, a communications researcher, says, “crying is the transformation of distress into something tangible.”   It tends to make people soften, allowing them to come closer, rather than pushing one another away.

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. – Proverb

Research does show there are certain conditions that help us get the most benefit from crying.  People who receive social support while crying (a shoulder to cry on) report more cathartic release than people who cry alone.  And, interestingly, people feel better when they cry about a situation that’s already been resolved.  Crying before you’ve made a decision about a situation can actually make you feel worse.  It seems the relief of crying is a release of tension best achieved when you can let your guard down.  And finally, and not surprising, studies show that to get the emotional benefits of crying, you need to be somewhere where you feel safe and where it’s appropriate.  Crying in front of certain people or in public can lead to embarrassment or shame, instead of relief.

I remember studying with amazement a culture on a remote island in the South Pacific.  After the death of a loved one it was expected that people would venture out on the street to wail and sob.  For weeks, as villagers pass by, they actually join in.  Imagine that! Crying wasn’t something to be embarrassed about or controlled, it was seen as vital to healing and something to be done in community.  Not surprising, the members of this culture had much fewer symptoms of unresolved grief over time and much lower rates of depression.

So as I think back to my ride home from the airport, viewing the road through my tears, I am grateful I had the chance to let go.  In the days since, it’s helped me be more aware of the many changes going on in my life and feel more at peace with them.  Although I can only imagine what I’ll be like in August, coming back from actually dropping her off at college.  I guess I’ll just have to reload the tissue box and maybe, if I’m lucky, gather with some villagers along my way.