When my brothers were last here to visit I shared with them something that brought me to tears. It was a note my Mother-In-Law had found when sorting through some very old papers.  It looked vaguely familiar to me.  The stationary was formal with a traditional Jewish symbol on the front. The handwriting was mine, but from a much younger self, and it was definitely my signature at the end. As I read through it, almost thirty years of time melted away as I was right back in the mindset of a young woman at a crossroads in her life. The stationary was supplied by the funeral home after completing the burial rituals for my sister.  In reading through my words of gratitude for many acts of kindness by my now husband and his family, it touched me so deeply to be reminded of this testimony to their kindness. The note affirmed that what we do for each other really matters and comforts us through the dark nights when we feel so alone.

I have always been a thank you note writer.  Perhaps because I was very shy when I was young, words seemed to flow much more easily for me when I picked up a pen rather than looked someone in the eye.  I’m also someone who takes time to process my feelings.  I usually have to talk through something, or write through something, to figure out how I’m feeling and what it means.  But there has always been something very special to me about writing thank you notes.  In the process of doing them, it deepens the pleasure and prolongs it. Whenever I write a thank you note, I find it helps me savor the gift or gesture and then reflect this meaning back to the giver, affirming what the person, and not just the gesture, means to me.

While many people roll their eyes at the thought of having to write thank you notes because it’s taught to us as an obligation (remember the fill-in-the-blank ones you sent as a kid after your birthday), years of research are on my side. Studies have shown time and time again that being grateful is good for your health, mood, and general well being.  But other research shows why people are hesitant to do it.  Often people overestimate how awkward it will be to express their gratitude and underestimate the positive power of doing so.  For example, in research by Amit Kumar at the University of Texas McCombs School of Business, study participants were asked to write a letter to someone in their life expressing gratitude.  They were asked about their expectations of how the recipient would react.  Consistently the writers underestimated the value of their letter.  Writers tended to worry about getting the words just right or sounding articulate.  But the recipients valued the letters for the warmth and prosocial intent of the gesture more than the words.  And when the researchers surveyed the writers about their own feelings in composing the letter, the participants reported being in a much more positive mood upon completion.  This is in line with the popularity in Positive Psychology to prescribe gratitude lists and letters expressing appreciation.  It makes you feel better and costs you so little.

So now you know my little secret.  While people think I am so kind because of my thank you note habit, it’s really a totally selfish act.  And to prove it, I have the example of my brother, Daniel.  After staying with us that last visit, he wrote me a thank you note.  And what a treasure.  He put into words so much of what it also meant to me for our families to be together, deepening our understanding of one another’s lives, even though we live far away, and building new memories and rituals to carry forward.  Ok, yes, I cried again, but what a gift he gave me.  And, yes, how selfish of him, because now I have to keep being nice to him, just to keep getting his thank you notes!