My younger daughter is getting ready to graduate high school and the empty nest has been on my mind.  It definitely will be a big change after having a child at home for 21 years (between my elder and younger).  As the time approaches for her departure, it seems that everyone has opinions about how to navigate the transition back to “couple.”  What stands out to me in this vast array of advice is a common theme of attitude and proactivity. As I reflect on how to apply this, it occurs to me how the same advice to couples could apply to strengthen any relationship at any point in time.  Whether with family or friends, my decisions to give people the benefit of the doubt or look for the ways they hurt me is really up to me.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, marriage expert John Gottman suggests that strong couples find “the glory” in their marriages.  Rather than denying the rocky times, they derive strength and meaning from the hardships they have survived and the doubts they worked through.  The way they tell their story is not with bitterness or blame, but in a way that reaffirms their faith in eachother and their partnership. And while these couples acknowledge that things went wrong, they are more forgiving and generalized about why they did.  Rather than focusing on their partner’s personality as being the source of the problem, they generalize it to an unfortunate incident. If you attack your partner’s character, you are more likely to stir a toxic judgmental dynamic as opposed to expressing a dissatisfaction with a forgivable mistake.  

And of course, just as in child rearing, praise and positive expressions are far more effective than criticism.  And a little can go a very long way. Research shows that non-verbal small expressions of love, such as an approving smile or even just leaning in toward someone, can have a powerful effect on reinforcing a sense of love and caring and help repair the chipping away of commitment that can happen over time.  It seems easier to notice what someone does wrong or forgets to do rather than what they regularly do. Habituation, or getting used to what is normal and predictable, has a natural way of making us take each other for granted.

And recently, someone reminded me of the Five Love Languages.  In the book by Gary Chapman, he outlines basic ways in which people tend to give love:  quality time; gifts; acts of service; words of affirmation; and physical touch. Each of us has a preferred way of receiving love, and in turn, it tends to be how we show it.  By identifying patterns in our relationships, we can identify and appreciate the ways that we are being given love that we may have not noticed. We may also learn how better to give love in a way that our partners need.

What I take away from these relationship building trends is the choices I have and the things I can do to enhance closeness.  Whether with my daughters before they leave, or after they are gone, with my brothers who I don’t see as much as I would like, or my co-workers who are stuck seeing me every day, relationships are living and evolving all around us all of the time.  It’s easy to get stuck in patterns and feel helpless and resentful, especially when we feel dependent on one another and vulnerable. It feels hopeful to me that we can, even with small gestures, change the way we feel in a relationship. So rather than just hoping for the best once my daughter flies off (literally, unfortunately, as she goes to Hanover New Hampshire) I can take deliberate actions to build on the connections I have both near and far away.