I had a relative who used to say, “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” This phrase always made me sad when I heard him say it, and to be honest, a little angry.  As a young person, I thought it was cynical and gave the message that we shouldn’t bother to try. As an adult, I see the protective factor that underlies this philosophy, and although many people may not say the exact phrase, I have come to see how people embrace this style of being in the world as a defense. So, in this weeks post, I am writing in support of disappointments with the hope if we can embrace them, or at least learn to tolerate them, we become freed up to also embrace our expectations.

It’s so common that we are afraid to tell people about our hopes or what we are striving for.  It’s as if there is shame in reaching for something that is beyond what we think is possible. We have such an emphasis on success in our culture, that it makes people feel ashamed or embarrassed to try for something and not make it.  I so often hear people say, “Oh I don’t want people to know I applied for that position, in case I don’t get it,” or “I don’t want people to know I am trying to quit smoking, because then I will look like such a loser if I slip.” What a lonely way to be in the world, and what a judgmental place as well!

Expectations are important to have for ourselves and for our relationships.  They set standards of what is appropriate and for what we would like to have happen.  Within ourselves, expectations help us set goals, and reach for what could be a better life.  Within relationships, expectations create boundaries for how we want to be treated and for what we find acceptable.  High expectations can lead to higher achievement and higher self esteem.

Where we get into trouble with expectations is when they are too rigid.  We need to have flexibility to tolerate not always reaching the mark. People will not always live up to our hopes for them, and we ourselves, will fall short.  Knowing how to handle this gives us strength to risk a dissapointment. Every disappointment involves a little bit of a grieving process. We have to mourn what we had hoped for, and accept the reality of what will not be.  

But this grieving process is like building up endurance.  The more we go through it, the better we become at it. The first time I sent in a writing piece, it felt like the world, or at least my world, was at stake.  To be rejected meant that I was a terrible writer, and that I would never have any success. But in learning to handle the rejection with perspective, I am learning to embrace disappointments as part of the journey of striving for something more.  Be sad, even shed a tear, then learn what you can, and move on.

“Expecting nothing, “ as my relative endorsed, seems to me now as the surest way to be disappointed.  For when it is all said and done, living without risk or heart break may actually lead to a very disappointing life in the long run.