When we get some bad news or when something unpleasant happens, it’s normal to be in a state of disbelief.  After the shock begins to fade, our coping kicks in, and we begin to integrate and deal with the challenge we face.  But sometimes, unfortunately, people stay stuck, refusing to acknowledge an issue and along with it, its consequences.  This psychological state is known as denial, and in and of itself can create a host of problems.

Denial, as a long term strategy, is very problematic.  If we’re not able to acknowledge something, we’ll continue in a path that’s harmful to us, as well as block ourselves from doing anything to cope in the future.  If we deny our problem drinking or our smoking, we continue to do harm to our bodies, as well as prevent ourselves from getting the help we need to quit or even reduce the harm.  If we refuse to admit that we have an anger problem, we’ll not only hurt the people we love, but cut off from opportunities to repair the damage we’ve done and lose any chance to change our pattern to make things better in the future.

In the long term, reality always wins, no matter how we try to deny it.  And that’s why denial is so hard on relationships.  This aspect of denial is often overlooked when people in denial, or using denial’s close cousin, minimization, say, “it’s my body” or “it’s my decision,”  because it’s our loved ones that feel the responsibility and the consequences when we are in denial.  They worry, try to talk to us, and then feel helpless.  In  many ways when someone is in denial, it is the one who loves them who carries the burden of concern and fear.  And to make matters worse, a person minimizing or denying a problem will often react to the loved one’s efforts to help with blame.    It leaves a loved one with an unfortunate choice, continue to fight and confront, or go along with the denial, allowing it to continue in the effort to maintain peace.

It’s interesting to note that one of the biggest predictors of whether someone has a drug or alcohol problem is not the report of the person themselves, but if someone in their life has expressed concern about their behavior.  So please, if someone has the courage to express concern about you or a behavior you engage in, give it some thought.  We all have issues we prefer not to think about or acknowledge.  Being afraid and being stuck are part of being human.  But the difference between denial and acceptance is the key.  Denial is a passive response and with it is the avoidance of reality and then opportunities for coping.  While acceptance is an active process of making a choice to do what you can about the things you can control and accepting the things you cannot. Acceptance is a way of actively holding the truth rather than trying to run from it.