I ‘ve been wondering a lot this week about self perception and its influence.  I was noticing how on any given day, depending on how I feel, my sense of myself can vary.  And because of it, I engage in the world somewhat differently. If I’m feeling good about myself, I’m more outgoing and engaged, more confident and willing.  On the not so good days, I’m more tentative, more likely to doubt myself and then hold back.  So how much does my behavior, based on my self perception, influence my reality in ways that will reinforce my belief?

Distortions in self perception are a common topic in my work with clients.  Many people internalize a view of themselves that is critical and downright cruel.  Their self judgments are so harsh, they can’t possibly think that they are lovable or deserving of compassion.  They compare themselves, seeing only the beautiful in others and the ugly in themselves.  Based on this evaluation, they hide out, choose less than ideal partners, or refrain from engaging in or initiating positive things.

One woman encouraged me to watch a video put out by Dove (ok, yes, it is marketing, but well worth it).  In the video, a police sketch artist is employed to show people the difference between how they describe themselves and how someone they have just met in the waiting area describes them.  The sketch artist never sees the person, only working from the two descriptions.  Then they put the drawings side by side, and the results are powerful.  Even more powerful is watching the participants look at the contrast of the two drawings and see how their own perception is much harsher, including “older” and “fatter.”

How would we be different if we saw ourselves without our negative filters or distortions?  What if we approached the world as if we were beautiful people, confident, and capable?  How would we behave differently?  Who would we talk to, what activities would we engage in, and how would our lives be different?  There is the old corny saying, “smile and the world smiles with you.”  But research shows this is true.  People who are comfortable with themselves invite people toward them with their demeanor and make other people feel liked and comfortable, too.

As I get older it’s definitely easier for me to be more consistent in my sense of self.  I have more years of experience, I suppose, in knowing who I am.  In addition, the stability in this phase of my life helps.  But whenever I try something new, meet new people in an important social setting, or take on new role or challenge, the insecurity seeps in.  When I start to worry more about what other people are thinking of me, the self judgments are prone to pop up.  That is the time I need to ask myself, how would I be different without these negative beliefs?  The challenge is then in letting them go, and being the person I would prefer to believe I am.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  Is it really you, or is it your judgments?  When you remember your performance in a meeting or a conversation, is it what really happened, or is a memory distorted by your fears?  Don’t believe everything you think.  It may be a bumper sticker (that’s where I saw this phrase), but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Check out the Dove Real Beauty video on you tube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Ok, there is a hilarious parody about men out there, now, too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo