In last week’s blog post I wrote about the consequences of stuffing anger.  This week I want to address the times when you go even further to avoid your anger by not only stuffing its expression, but denying any experience of it as well.  Just because you’re not aware of it, does not mean you’re not angry.  In fact, the anger that you’re unaware of tends to do the most damage, both in relationships, but even more importantly to your own personal power.

When we’re little we tend to express our anger in gross motor movements (hitting, kicking, running away) and outbursts.  By age five we’re taught that such behaviors are unacceptable.  We’re either punished or we may have affection or attention withdrawn.  Young girls, especially, learn to “be nice.”  Over time, in order to be “civil” adults, we further curtail our negative emotions, sometimes by convincing ourselves that we’re not angry, even when we are.  Rarely can strong anger be completely suppressed, and so it leaks out.  These inadvertent expressions tend to be indirect, or what is often referred to as passive aggressiveness.  This can lead to frustrating mixed messages that take a toll on relationships, such as  when our words insist we aren’t upset but our behavior clearly shows we are.  Freud used the analogy of how smoke that is blocked from going up the chimney of a stove will leak out the door, through the grate, and end up choking everyone in the room.

If we’re not aware of it, than how can we know when we have hidden anger?  Here’s where the leaks can give us some clues.  Hidden anger often takes the form of these behaviors, including:  procrastination in completing imposed tasks, over-politeness or constant cheerfulness, frequent sighing, smiling while hurting, sleep problems, boredom or apathy, excessive tiredness, grinding your teeth, and extended periods of feeling down or chronic depression.  It’s easier to recognize and accept our anger when we let go of the feeling that anger needs to be justified.  There is no way to make yourself feel the way you “should” feel and no rules as to what is ok or not ok to be angry about.   At the same time, in order to own our anger, we must take responsibility for it.  No matter what someone else did to trigger it, the anger is yours.

Quite often for someone with depression, therapy starts with the expression of how tired they are, how many headaches and body aches they have, and how they believe that nothing they do or feel matters.  In time, they begin to share about their experience of being hurt by others or victimized in some way, but were too young, powerless, or scared to do anything about it.  As we explore their feelings around it, giving them permission and a safe place to see things from different perspectives, signs of anger often begin to emerge.  Frightening at first, they begin to find the anger hidden deep inside or turned against themselves in the form of self-defeating thoughts or behavior.  It can be wonderful to watch people become motivated and empowered, the depression slowly lifting in direct proportion to the anger released, like steam out of a kettle, freeing up space and energy.

Hidden anger is worth finding.  While it may be uncomfortable or cause a brief rift in a relationship, it is our reality.  No matter how hard we try to hide it, it will still be there.  The cost to hiding our anger is often at our own expense, losing our own power, energy, and passion in order to stay comfortable.  We betray ourselves and compromise our authenticity.  So be a brave inner explorer.  Hunt your anger and find your power, and you just may find some happiness along the way!