In my last post I shared about the importance of a thoughtful goodbye.  It was inspired by leaving a rewarding job after 11 years and doing my best to stay present throughout the leaving process.  This past week, as I moved into my new role, I’m facing a fresh set of challenges.   Having had the role of the “expert” in my old job, it’s indeed pretty humbling to become a “beginner” again. I’m anxious, clueless, and constantly having to ask for help.  I feel foolish and like I’m a burden.  So, in order to help support myself, I decided to ask the “expert” me what advice she would give the “beginner” me.  Indeed, thank goodness, my expert self came through.  She advised me to do a little refresher course in the Zen concept of the “beginner mind.” It’s an idea frequently shared with those who are feeling uncertain in a transition.

A “beginner’s mind” is a Zen teaching that represents a particular attitude.  It doesn’t actually refer to being a beginner, but having the mindset of a beginner who’s free from pre-conceived ideas and biases.  Without prior judgments and expectations,  a person is open and eager to see everything as if for the first time.  According to the Zen teacher Shunruyu Suzuki, open-mindedness can foster the development of new skills, better decision making, and great empathy.  On the other hand, an outlook of all knowingness (like an expert) can be quite limiting.  It’s not that prior experience should be negated, but reapplied so that the uniqueness of each situation can be appreciated.  

A beginner’s mind can free us up to learn and allow us to be surprised by what unfolds.  It’s natural to prefer to feel in the know and so we tend to engage in confirmation bias.  We look for evidence to support what we already believe and are comfortable with.  Our preexisting belief shapes what and how we see the world around us.  In fact, studies show that perceived expertise can create illusions of competence and an unrealistic expectation for our base of knowledge.  Using “non-knowing” as a tool can help us let go of the need to be right which can trap us into having to pretend or insist that we’re right.  With an open mind we can see people in a new light or a problem to be solved in a whole new way.  In fact, studies have shown that a beginner’s mind can be a useful approach to finding answers.  For example, studies have repeatedly shown that medical practitioners using a beginner’s mind line of questioning form better relationships with patients and are able to gather information they wouldn’t normally ask about. Simply through listening with more curiosity and openness they more often learned some bit of information that led to a successful diagnosis.  

Looking at the world through a child’s curiosity can also lead to more playfulness and the ability to stay present rather than evaluating yourself while doing something.  With a beginner’s mindset, a person can let go of the fears of being wrong and explore options with interest.  It’s a way to put one’s ego aside and utilize prior knowledge in an expansive rather than limiting way. Often people become weighted down by anxiety and stress related to doing a difficult task.  Knowing how hard it is can actually get in the way!  Letting go of preconceived notions of how things “should be” or how you “should be performing” is a great weight off one’s shoulders.  Research also shows the use of a beginner’s mind as an antidote to burn out.

As for myself, it would help a lot to let go of my own expectations.  Soon enough I’ll know how to accurately document in the new record system, be able to fill out my timesheets, and to learn the nuances of a new work culture and patient population.  One way or another, I’ll get there, so why not enjoy the experience of being a beginner?  We literally only do something for the very first time once, so why not let go of the pressure, and give myself a  fresh opportunity each time? By the 48th time of beginning, I just may get close! 

I’m leaving my job after almost 11 years.  I feel excited by the vision of a new work chapter looming over the horizon,  but in my current path, there are a heck of a lot of good-byes to be done.  It’s hard to stay in the pain of separation, but I also know how important it is to do this well.

Most all of us have had significantly bad good byes – being abandoned, someone minimizing the impact, not giving us the opportunity for closure.  The term “ghosting” tells it all. It leaves us in a haze not knowing what happened or why.  A properly done goodbye allows us to accept what is happening and find closure where possible.  It also serves as an inoculation against the fear of bad separations in the future. 

The impact of a goodbye affects both people in a relationship.  For the person doing the leaving, a thoughtful goodbye is linked to positive emotions and helps with an easier transition for the next phase of life.  It reduces regrets of having things you wish you’d said and gives you peace of mind that you allowed the other person the opportunity to express what they were wanting or needing to say.  For the person staying, a mindful goodbye helps them process their own feelings, provides a space for support and to find solace together which is a step in healing from loss.  Goodbyes involve sharing memories, laughter, tears, and honoring the relationship and its meaning.  It gives the people in a relationship the chance to acknowledge the energy put into creating and maintaining the connection.  Even if an ending is painful, such as a break up or an unplanned ending, a good bye allows for a beginning to the process of psychological closure, making peace with and making sense of what was, in order to move forward.  

Despite the importance of thoughtful goodbyes, it’s hard to confront the complex feelings directly and so most people avoid it. Ironically, this is often more painful in the long run!  To help promote a positive experience in a farewell, it helps to acknowledge that leaving or being left involves a lot of mixed feelings.  It can help to prepare and in some cases to plan a ritual to help support the process.  This could include a gathering, attending an event together, or simply planning a series of informal get togethers. Think about what you want to say and what questions you may have now or anticipate having in the future.  Think about how you would, or if you would, like to stay in touch.  It’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings even for someone you really love.  Loss can bring anger, hurt, fear, and even relief.

It’s also helpful to think about timing.  Sometimes we don’t have the option to give the proper notice we’d like, but if at all possible, it’s vital to give goodbyes proper attention, especially if it’s involving a significant relationship.  People will have differing reactions, but also across time, one person’s feelings will change.  Most people go through a grieving process, often in the form of denial, anger, sadness and acceptance.  As the one doing the leaving it’s important to accept the range of feelings as a testament to the relationship’s importance.  Often, to make ourselves feel better or reduce our guilt, we minimize our significance and the impact of the loss because it feels awful to hurt someone.  Because of how emotional good endings can be, they are exhausting. 

As I am doing my best to show up for people in my leaving process, it helps to remind myself that engaging in a complete good bye is actually a great gift to someone you care about. It offers them a chance to hear you share what they have meant to you and to reflect on how you both have changed as a result of your connection.  And equally, it gives them a chance to express to you what you have meant to them.  It’s important to be a gracious receiver of these sentiments.  How you end a relationship will have a long term effect on how the relationship is remembered.  By doing it well, you can continue to grow the trust and intimacy that was created.  

It is so cliche to say, but true, that goodbyes are a part of everyday life.  And each farewell or separation is unique.  Sometimes they’re temporary and sometimes they’re permanent.  Pay attention to the reality of the moment and its significance.  The heartache is a reflection of the power of the intimacy.  I, myself, am working hard to stay open to the range of emotions I have as I pass through the threshold of this place in my life.  I remind myself that the pain of loss is inverse to the depth of connection. As such, the pain truly symbolizes love.  

In the past 10 years I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to love and be loved.  To learn and to teach.  To grow and to change.  To witness others grow and change and to be honored in having a role in that process.  I have trusted and been trusted, disappointed and been disappointed.  Of great importance is having been afforded the gracious opportunity for repairs.  My last therapeutic offering for myself and the people I work with is to part ways with great presence and to allow myself to feel and express my profound and everlasting gratitude.  I have truly become a better clinician and better human being as a result of all of these daily connections. They were created while I was there, but will endure well beyond my parting.

I was enjoying myself at a Labor Day BBQ, chatting with an interesting man.  He was a successful business executive, dedicated to running a large company for many years.  But as we were sharing about our lives, he said something to his wife referencing their horoscope. They had stayed longer at the BBQ than they had intended, given their reading for the day suggested they should have a quiet day at home.  My eyebrows raised and my interest was definitely piqued.  Your horoscope?  “Oh, yes,” he replied, telling me how he checks the horoscopes from the SF Chronicle for himself and his wife every day.  He’s been doing this for years.

Interesting, I thought.  People sure do surprise you.  He seemed like such a man of logic and practicality, reason and fact.  I had to pursue it.  “May I ask you about your connection to your horoscope?”  His reply really spoke to me.  “Of course,” he said, with a look of great sincerity, “It reminds me that not everything is in my control.”

I’ve thought about this ever since then, the dance we all do with our sense of being in charge of our lives and the vulnerability we feel when we’re not.  We all like to feel we’re in control, but it can also be a burden. We have to carry the stress of our decisions and the weight of our power.  There is, in fact, a relief at letting go, and recognizing the powerful influences of all the forces we can’t control. But there is also great vulnerability in this, an uncertainty that is hard to tolerate.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

We all have to find a way to manage this tricky balance.  Some people use religion and find great comfort in the idea that God has a plan for them.  Other people use rituals, some might even say superstitions.  I have a tendency to hold my breath going through tunnels and make a wish. I also make sure to attach a desire to each sighting of a shooting star.  Ever watch an athlete about to compete?  They often look like someone having a seizure, going through twitches of motions that need to be done in order to perform their best.  

History shows that people become more interested in astrology during tumultuous times, with interest rising during the Great Depression in the 1930s as well as in Germany before the two world wars.  There was even a boom in interest during the pandemic. Research suggests the use of astrology helps people make sense of things during times when life feels complex.  It’s such a fundamental human need to want to feel we have a source of wisdom, advice, and/or something or someone beyond ourselves who is watching out for us.

Who doesn’t want a way to make order or sense of the world when life feels so unpredictable?  Why not lean on something that provides a bit of insight into the mystery of the universe?  And even when my head tells me that there is no rational way to explain how my eating the same food during a NY Giants game will lead to victory, I like thinking I’m helping out the team.  It’s something I can do and a way to be a part of the action.  Or maybe it’s just an excuse to eat nachos. Either way, it feels like it improves my chances for a good result, even if that’s just some chips and yummy melted cheese.  And, who knows, maybe that man at the BBQ was using his horoscope as an excuse to stop talking to me?  Either way, it serves him well.

Ok, so this may be a bit of a strange one, but please hang in there with me. It’s a mind stretch, but one that got me thinking. 

I recently came back from an amazing trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. Thank you so much to my sister-in-law Rosa who planned and hosted this amazing experience.  For an animal/nature lover, it was truly an exceptional adventure.  And as I had the magical opportunity to walk among sea lions stretched out sleeping on the beach, iguanas piled up in large numbers to gather warmth, and giant tortoises munching on grass, I was so struck by how peaceful they were.  It was their land and we were the guests.  We had a required guide who made sure we didn’t intrude or bother them.  And as we learned the way that these animals and birds have evolved and thrived, the main point was that due to the isolation of the island (and more recently the protections of the government) these animals were free of predators.  They could be who they were and live so peacefully with their environment all because they did not have to worry about their safety.

So what has stayed with me since returning home to my job and my life is this:  Who would I be if I didn’t have any predators?  The ones that threaten me from without, but also, the predator that lives within me?

Maslow, the famous psychologist, in his hierarchy of needs, put safety as one of the foundational needs, only food, water and air coming before it.  He recognizes that we cannot “move up” the chain of other needs, establishing love, belonging, esteem and self actualization if we do not feel safe. Depending on our life circumstances, we may have to worry about crime, deportation, or domestic violence.  Or losing our rights, our employment, our housing, or our health.  These predators preoccupy us and maintaining safety from these threats become the necessary focus of our lives.  

And then there are the predators from within, the critical voices in our head that limit our freedoms.  Often the result of an internalization of external predators (angry parent, school yard bully, mean teacher that made us feel bad), we have a chorus of inner voices that shame and berate us; that doubt our abilities and limit our sense of opportunity.  These internal predators hold us back from trying new things, from taking risks, and from reaching for things we may dream of because of predicted failure and harsh judgments of any efforts to try.  These internal voices also reflect societal pressures and unhealthy cultural norms or unrealistic expectations that lead us to hide our true self away.  

So I ask myself, with a little bit of humor, is that momma sea lion laying on the beach sleeping soundly in the sun worried about looking fat?  Not to say she has no worries, mothering her pup, needing to fish. But overall she is relatively safe and free to live her sea lion life. The blue footed boobies that make their nests on the ground, we walk right by them, they show no fear of us in their space.  Again, it’s not that they don’t have to compete for a partner and protect their eggs, but they are free and able to live their best bird lives. The iguanas and tortoises are relaxed and free to be who they are meant to be. 

So I challenge you to ask yourself and play with the idea – who would I be if I had no predators?  Without any threats, how would I be different?  Feeling safe, how could I be more of who I was meant to be?

In my last post I mentioned the importance of asking questions for making good conversation.  This simple act made a huge difference in how people were perceived in terms of their likeability.  It was also rated highly by the asker in terms of an easy thing to do to improve their conversational skills.  So today, I thought I would give a little more attention to question asking, as it really is a phenomenal tool for making connections with people.  But as in all things, there is a bit of nuance to know in order to help you reap the benefits in your next conversations.

Truly connecting with people involves making them feel valued, heard and worth listening to.  Questions are a great way to make this happen.  Questions can encourage active listening and create more interactive dialogue.  It demonstrates your interest and desire to get to know how someone else thinks or feels.  It supports collaboration and rapport building as well.  As long as you’re asking your question with genuine interest and good listening skills.  Have you ever had someone ask a question and then look at their phone as you respond?  Good listening after asking a question is a key to success in delivery.  When you actively listen, you will naturally pick up information and build trust that helps the conversation to keep flowing.  Successful asking involves letting someone be successful in responding.

Another helpful tip in being a good questioner is to ask open ended questions. Close ended questions involve a yes or no answer.  They tend to limit conversation and shut things down.  Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes or no answer, they invite a more thorough response, such as a story, opinion, or memory.  In research, people tend to respond with at least four times as many words when asked an open ended question.  And often they elicit more unexpected responses or deepening of conversations.  For example asking someone what their best memory was from their vacation in Italy (open ended) versus did they have a good trip (close ended)?  Or what was their favorite amusement park ride versus have you ever ridden a roller coaster?  Open-ended questions create more opportunities for the listener to share.  

Another easy question to ask is a follow up question.  It works magic to keep a conversation going and shows your interest and engagement like nothing else.  It can involve simply reflecting back what someone has said and showing you want more information. “You speak Italian? When did you learn?”  “You went to Yosemite! Was that your first time?”  Parents of teenagers often ask how I can get them to talk to me, when they only get one word responses from their kids.  I teach them the art of the follow up question in its simplest form:  “Really? Tell me more about that!”  I signal that I have listened and am interested in knowing more from the teens perspective, rather than grilling them with a potential agenda.  Research shows that people who ask more follow up questions are perceived as more intelligent and emotionally aware.  (If you want to know more about me, you must be intelligent!)

There are, in fact, a few question-asking “don’ts” to be aware of.  One is known as the Boomer-ask.  It’s asking a particular question with the true agenda being that you want to tell someone something about yourself.  It’s a set up to talk and not really to listen.  “Are you near retirement?  Oh, no?  Well, I just retired and have never been happier, let me tell you about our recent trip…”  The other “no-no” in question-asking is to ask a question and then interrupt the other person as they are answering.  It serves to send the message that you aren’t really all that interested and that you’re impatient and kind of selfish.  In fact, it’s better to let someone finish, even if there’s a brief pause of silence.  Too often we are so worried about awkward silence that we cut off an answer or prevent a flow of conversation.  Research shows that a brief pause of silence can help people reflect and give a more thoughtful response to one another.  

And finally, a little advice to the curious?  Try to avoid “why” questions.  In psychology, we call them “ego assaultive.”  Asking someone why they did or said something can make people feel they have to defend themselves.  Best to approach with a “how’” or “what” question to get more information. For example, “Why do you like Thai food?” sounds more judgmental than “What Thai food is your favorite?” Remember the four W’s and an H…Who, What, Where, When and How.

The main thing to remember in being a good question-asker is that the goal is connection.  There are really very few wrong questions or wrong ways to ask a question if your intentions are good and your desire to understand or get to know someone is sincere.  In fact, why not ask someone to share about the last person they had a really enjoyable conversation with? I bet they have an engaging story to share about that!  And then ask them to tell you more!

With years of engaging the blank stares of young people, who shrug their shoulders with “I don’t know,” you’d think I’d be more comfortable making small talk.  I essentially make conversation for a living.  But alas, I’m actually terrible at it!  Few things bring me more anxiety than a room of people I’ve never met with who I’m supposed to socialize with.  So when I saw a book called TALK, written by a Harvard business school professor, Alison Wood Brooks, with years of research on conversation, I was eager to learn more.  And with a wedding approaching, to which I was thrilled to go, but had to go solo, I was presented with an opportunity to practice.  So here are a few tips I found useful both from the book, other sources, and my own experimentation.

First of all, don’t interpret your anxiety as unpleasantness.  Often people who feel uncomfortable hide their face in a phone, walk away to look busy, or pretend to be doing something very important.  It’s all an effort to seem at ease, withdrawing to avoid awkwardness.  But if we can tolerate some awkwardness, we can actually get the great benefits of social engagement.  In fact, much research shows that small talk can positively affect a person’s overall well being by boosting mood and reducing social isolation.  Long term studies on isolation show consistently that having a light conversation even with a stranger or acquaintance can help people feel more connected with one another and have a stronger sense of community.  Researcher Barabara Sandstorm writes, “Those who have daily casual interactions, like talking to someone at a coffee shop or a neighbor at the mailbox, can create a greater sense of belonging and overall well being.”  Instead of thinking of your discomfort as “being bad at small talk,” try to reinterpret this nervous energy as excitement.  We don’t know what will happen!  It could be fun and nice to have something unexpected occur or learn something new or gain a new perspective.  The key is to not take it personally if things don’t go as well as hoped!  Don’t interpret someone not engaging with you as a rejection of you as a person.  Assume it’s something about them or the situation.  They don’t even know you, so how can it be about you!

Organizational psychologist Matt Abrahams at Stanford notes that people put way too much pressure on themselves when it comes to small talk anxiety.  Successful small talk usually starts with something obvious or trivial – the weather, the latest sports news, a small annoyance.  Small talk is a simple way to begin connection and a gateway to further conversation if desired. The easiest way to begin a spontaneous conversation is to make an observation about your shared surroundings or the purpose of your shared experience in that moment (ordering coffee “have you ever tried the matcha latte?”)  In some more anticipated scenarios, such as an upcoming work event or party, you can prepare in advance some relevant topics.  Take a little time to think about who will be there, what you may have in common or want to know about other people (“How are you related to Aunt Sally?”)

A successful conversation requires cooperation.  Abrahms advises to think of it less like a tennis match where you’re trying to return a volley with a good stroke as quickly as possible, and more like a game of hacky sack.  It’s a collaborative effort by two people to keep in connection and keep the sack in the air.  Most people are appreciating the attention rather than judging you for your skills.  You are subtly coordinating with the other person, so you want to set them up so they can set you up.  And the most important thing to remember is that it’s more important to be INTERESTED than INTERESTING!  This is a mindset shift that can really predict what makes people pleasant to talk to.  Research on people rated as “someone I would want to talk to again” indicated they were people who listen well and ask questions.  Questions are a great facilitator of conversation.  Asking a question shows your interest in the other person and what they think and feel.  Asking a clarifying question further solidifies your interest and deepens a conversation beyond the initial superficial talk.  Questions also give you a moment to think, which can reduce anxiety and pressure and the tendency to ramble.  Remember to listen to the other person’s nonverbal communication.  Are they leaning in or trying to pay for their groceries?  Are they making eye contact while waiting for the bus or giving their child a snack? Reading the room can help with choosing a successful bantering partner.

Like everything, small talk gets easier with practice.  And the more you give it a try, the more success you’ll have, which lessens the impact of the occasional snub.  Sandstrom’s  research validates that the more people engage in small talk, the more confident they become, and the less they worry about rejection.  When you can make it about the other person and your desire to have a pleasant exchange, you reduce the pressure on both of you.  Think of your effort as an invitation and a kind gesture, not a bother.  And be a good responder.  If someone gives a clue that they are wanting to be left alone, intensely re-engaging with their novel or scrolling on their phone, just move on.  There is probably a reason they are more closed that has nothing to do with you!  And in kind, be a good recipient of small talk.  Appreciate the effort and smile.  And if you are not open to small talk, politely explain your need to prepare for a meeting or have some silence.

So how did my wedding experience go?  Actually, much better than I thought!  I had a really good time and had some fun conversations. At first I was hesitant to strike up the small talk, but it definitely got easier as I went along.  People were receptive and appreciative of my introduction and my asking about how they knew the couple and where they were from.  To be honest, it was kind of tiring to be more extroverted than I normally am, but retreating for an occasional stroll of the garden helped me to refuel.  It was a beautiful wedding full of love and I was so happy to be there for my dear friend and mother of the bride.  And she could not have been a more gracious host, looking out for me and getting me on the dance floor.  Which was a great tip I learned!  Dancing is a fabulous way to connect in a large group without having to say a word!!   Just smile and spin around! Like Billy Idol, “If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance and I’d be dancing with myself!  Oh oh oh!”

What if I told you I had something that could change how you were thinking and reacting to things that was totally free, available any time, and useful in many difficult situations as a way of coping?  You’d probably want some, right?  Well, today I’d like to share with you a strategy for everyday living based on positive psychology research that helps to shift how we hold and process emotionally charged situations.  Cognitive Reappraisal is an intentional shift in perspective from what automatically comes to mind.  It involves changing how we think about a situation in order to change how we feel. Easy, right?  No, of course not, but with intention and focus, it can become a useful tool in the “coping with life” tool box that can reduce our overall level of distress and unburden us from unnecessary stress.

The success of cognitive appraisal reflects a basic fact of psychological life.  What and how we think about things can play a large role in shaping our emotional experience. For most people, especially people who tend to have some anxiety or depression or are prone to stress, our habitual way to interpret events is with a negative filter.  Evolution has actually trained our brain to do this in order to protect us from danger.  If we can see potential harm and anticipate it, we can do something to mitigate it. But this overestimation of negativity will lead us to feeling, well, negative.  Cognitive reappraisal is a fancy way of stepping back from this habitual response to looking at the situation from a differring perspective that can shift its meaning and reduce its emotionally upsetting impact.  For example, you just learn that your dear friend who lives close by is moving away.  Your reaction may be feeling sad, angry, and lonely.  You think about how you will miss her, remind yourself of how people tend to leave you, and imagine losing this important friendship.  Applying a reappraisal, you shift your perspective to thinking about how happy she is to get her new job, how she has been such a great friend to you and support for many years, and how you will be able to visit her in her new home or plan a vacation together to meet in the middle.  While not denying the sadness and disappointment of the situation, you balance the possible negative consequences with potential positive ones.

As a strategy useful for coping, cognitive reappraisal has a double barreled effect according to research.  It both lowers negative emotions such as sadness and anxiety and increases positive emotions associated with well being.  And because it actually alters activity patterns in emotional processing circuits in the brain, over time, it dampens excessive activation of brain centers such as the amygdala, which sends our emotional alarm signals in response to incoming information. Strong emotions limit our capacity for analyzing problems and generating possible solutions (fight/flight/freeze).  Cognitive reappraisal restores access to rational thinking and perspective taking. Researchers have shown that students with intense Math anxiety were able to improve their performance on Math tests with the use of reappraisal during the test.  Brain imaging showed that there was an increase in brain activities linked to arithmetic performance compared to those who didn’t use reappraisal.

Life doesn’t always go the way we want or expect it to.  Experts identify several questions you can ask yourself to stimulate a positive reappraisal for when things go awry.  Are you engaging in some sort of cognitive distortion, such as catastrophizing, looking at the situation in black and white terms, or personalizing a situation?  What evidence is there to support your negative appraisal – in other words, what is fact and what is fear?  Are there any positive outcomes possible for the situation?  Are you grateful for any aspect of the situation?  In what ways may you be better off from experiencing the situation?  What did you learn from it?

A simple little trick I use with myself and with people I work with is actually based on cognitive reappraisal.  Anxious people tend to get caught up in the “what ifs”.  What if I fail, what if I lose my job, what if my husband gets sick.  We anticipate all the negative possibilities.  So, I ask, what if I were to “what if” in the positive?  What if I win the lottery?  What if I meet a new friend?  What if I am the one chosen for the reward?  If we’re going to use our mind to anticipate, why not anticipate for good and not evil?

So, it turns out Monty Python was right – always look on  the bright side of life – at least more of the time.  It’s not about denying reality or truth, but actually seeing the whole truth.  There is usually good and bad in everything.  Reappraising and challenging your negative assumptions can bring about psychological resilience.  It offers a mental resource to distance from negative emotions by adding a perspective that not only dampens negativity, but enables people to think in ways that lead to adaptive responses.   Soooooooo….

… Some things in life are bad; They can really make you mad; Other things just make you swear and curse; When you’re chewing on life’s gristle; Don’t grumble, give a whistle; And this’ll help things turn out for the best; And;… Always look on the bright side of life; Always look on the light side of life; whistle whistle whistle

Summertime means so many social engagements! Some I’m invited and many I’m not.  Even though I don’t do social media (my ego is too fragile), I’m still prone to a little heart ache when I hear people talking about the fun they had doing something I wasn’t a part of.  And the weird thing is, even when I’ve made the choice not to go to something, I can still feel left out!  FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is a real thing, existing long  before social media, but certainly heightened as Instagram shares images of other people vacationing or celebrating without us.  I found this article helpful about the underpinning of FOMO and how to understand it, written by people who have spent a long time studying it.  

Three social psychologists and marketing professors, Barbara Kahn, Cindy Chan, and Jacqueline Rifkin, have studied FOMO for over a decade.    What they’ve come to understand is that the pain of missing out is usually not actually related to the pain of missing the event, but relates more to missing the chance to experience the bond with friends, co-workers, or teammates that comes while engaging in the event.  So the critical part of FOMO is actually the fear of missing out on the interactions with people you value.  FOMO for a group dinner isn’t really about missing a great meal, but it’s the sense of lost opportunity to connect and make memories with people important to you.

FOMO can be thought of as a fear of not belonging.  What if your friends have a great time without you?  What if they bond and get closer to each other, where does that leave you?  The anxiety within FOMO can spiral into an almost paranoid sense of feeling left out.  In support of this, research shows that people with what psychologists call an “anxious attachment style,” those who chronically fear rejection or isolation from others, tend to experience more intense FOMO.  

Another piece of research that lends support to FOMO being more about the people bonding than the event, is the fact that people can experience FOMO even for unenjoyable missed events.  Sad and stressful events can often be emotionally bonding.  Attending a funeral, going through an initiation ceremony, or white knuckling a presentation can be intense pathways to creating social connections. Stressful events can become fertile ground for FOMO as they provide the context for developing intimacy that someone may feel left out of if they were to miss the experience. 

Understanding the root of FOMO helps us to mitigate its effect. Often the advice to avoid FOMO is to limit time on social media, reducing our exposure to events or interactions that make us feel left out.  But our three FOMO researchers developed a plan that involves going to the source of the discomfort.  Since the core of the anxiety is about missed relationships, researchers hypothesized that doing something to remind yourself of belonging would be helpful.  The reflection was a way to provide a sense of security to inoculate against FOMO.  To support their approach, researchers asked one group of people to scroll through social media until they began to feel a sense of being left out and rate this FOMO feeling.  Another group was asked to do the same thing, but before rating the level of FOMO, they were instructed to recall a time they had been socializing with close friends.  Results showed a significant difference between the two groups, supporting the positive effect of the friendship reflection as a way to reduce FOMO.

So, reminding yourself of the meaningful relationships you already have and reaffirming your social belonging in the moment may help with the rush of anxiety that is a hallmark of FOMO.  Another approach is to reframe missing an event as a source of relief, even joy.  A new wave of JOMO, or the joy of missing out, can be refreshing.  Especially if you remind yourself that your social belonging is not in jeopardy, missing an event may free up time to do other things or save money.  Especially if you attend events out of the fear of missing out, by challenging your fears, you give yourself a chance to choose what is preferable to you in your own way.  Maybe you plan a BBQ later in the week or a trip to the beach.  Creating events on your own terms may be more fun and engaging in the long run.

Looking at the roots of FOMO may help us let go of some of its power.  Have you ever been upset that you planned a great weekend get away for your family, but your kid is crying because she’s going to miss soccer practice?  Or your husband is grumpy he has to go to visit his Uncle instead of attending a game?  It helps us have compassion for the people we care about when we understand that their FOMO is about their sense of belonging with their peers rather than a rejection of us.

So think of the money you’ll save and the hours you’ll have for yourself when you can resist the urge to go do something out of fear.  And according to many authors, JOMO is not about being antisocial or oscillating, its about being able to be more conscious in how you choose your time and allowing yourself to be more present in the moment.  So maybe while you’re NOT attending something, you’ll have the time to read Svend Brinkman’s book The Joy of Missing Out:  The Art of Self Restraint in an Age of Excess. Or you can read Tanya Dalton’s The Joy of Missing Out: Live More by Doing Less.  Or maybe, just maybe, if you like, order the books and choose not to read them!

If you’re like most people, getting motivated is hard.  And STAYING motivated is even harder!  When we set a new goal it’s usually with the image of how great it’ll be when we get there.  But along the way, after setbacks and off days, the finish line can seem farther and farther away.  The discouragement creeps in and our determination begins to fade.  It’s really natural to feel the work is pointless, or at least not worth the effort.  In a recent article by my favorite Slow AF Running Club leader, Martinus Evans, he addressed the question on how to stay motivated when progress feels so hard to come by.  I appreciated Martinus’ perspective and thought I would expand on it and share it with you. I also want to pay tribute to my Dad, this Father’s Day, another big man who defied the odds and pushed through what seemed to be the impossible.

Essentially, the key to staying motivated is to keep redefining what progress is.  If you only define success as achieving the ultimate end goal, it’ll be hard to feel any success along the way, and that’s discouraging.  If, however, you see elements of your progress as success, you’ll have many victories.  Reaching your ultimate goal will be the icing on the cake, not the party itself.  In other words, it’s important to look at the WHYS of your goal.  Is running a 10K simply about running the 10K, or is it about having something to work toward and along the way becoming more fit, getting outdoors more, and redefining yourself as an athlete?  Even if progress is slow, you’re still having success in the process.  

As Martinus puts it, “there are many kinds of wins.”  I love how he describes the day he ran in shorts for the first time, exposing his legs to the world, as a win.  He didn’t run his marathon goal that day, but he achieved real transformation.  He also states, “the pace of your progress does not determine its value.”  So wise!  As anyone who set out to do a big change knows, there is always way more challenge to it than you ever expected.  Marking and noticing small changes and victories as time goes by is a key to staying motivated.

Sometimes, achieving a goal can involve untangling years of conditioning and years of shame.  Or it can mean creating a more compassionate and insightful understanding of your current situation.  If change was easy, we would just do it!  No NIKE ad here!  We need to understand and honor the very small steps that lead us to a big change and remember that these small steps were actually the point in the first place.  If running the 10K was easy, you would just get up and do it, NIKE inspired, but where would the growth be in that?  Where would the transformation be?  You would still be the same person you were the day before.

As I’ve said many times in this blog over the years, yet, have to remind myself almost every day, change is a process.  But that IS the point, in reality!  We develop new habits, new identities, new relationships and new awareness when we go through the process of change. It truly is about the journey.  Ask any successful athlete, musician, or business person.  You have to find an aspect of positive engagement with the work in order to stay with it.   

Here are some tips to help support you in thinking about your goal in terms of its process.  Think about each step that you will need to achieve along the way.  Break your big goal down into small pieces that you can celebrate. Keep a journal to mark each success and reflect on your journey.  Writing about it can help you discover unexpected goals!  By journaling, you will notice growth in areas you didn’t even think about.  Did Martinus think to write down “Wearing shorts during a run” as a goal?  But it became an unexpected victory that had great meaning to him!  

Focus on quality, not speed.  Rushing can lead to superficial gains while taking your time can help build foundations.  Slow and steady progress usually leads to more resilience in facing setbacks or maintaining the gains you achieve.  Every crash diet I went on, including the famous “Cabbage diet” had initial weight  loss, but ended up being abandoned, even laughed at later.  Short cuts take away the change process and can rob you of the full benefit you were seeking that underlies the WHY of your desired goal. A healthy lifestyle is a much better path to healthy weight maintenance than cabbage soup!

This lesson became even more clear to me with my entry into the essay contest I shared in a recent post.  In setting my goal I learned some important things about myself along the way!  I realized that I wanted to share my writing, as it means a lot to me.  I also learned I want my writing to be evaluated and to get better at it.  I did in fact, through the process of deciding to enter the contest, writing the piece and submitting it, validate myself more as a “writer,” as opposed to someone who writes.  In all the ways I made myself vulnerable to take the risk of entering, it helped me stretch myself and what I thought I was capable of. All of these growth steps were really important for me, even before I learned of the results.

And hey, as I predicted, I didn’t win the $500 top prize, nor was I a finalist.  But I was listed with a few others as an “entry of note.”  Given the number of entrants and the fact that many were by published authors and creative writing instructors, my being mentioned as an entry of note made me want to sing!  I’ll put that one in my journal of unexpected wins.

So Happy Fathers Day, my Dad! Your memory is a blessing.

In my last post I addressed the issue of anger and how to keep yourself from saying or doing something you’d regret.  I shared a tool, the 5 Rs, to help you slow down and think things through before you acted.  But then, I hate to admit, I left you hanging!  So what do you do once you calm down and clarify the issue that’s upsetting you and are ready to do the final “R,” Return.  So today, I’m going to follow up with some good advice I found about how to communicate when you have a genuine issue you want to address.  Managing arguments is such a key piece of maintaining our relationships, especially with people we love the most, who also can upset us the most. Conflict can be scary and vulnerable terrain. I hope these tips will help smooth your way through some of those bumpy roads.

One of the first, and I think the most important tips, is to remember that the person you are approaching is not your enemy.  Especially when you’re in conflict with a loved one, you have to keep in mind that they ultimately want what is best for the two of you and are not trying to bring you down.  It may seem like it when they are in their own reactive mode, defensive and trying to prove their point, but remember, this is a person you love and respect.

Next, along the same lines, remind yourself that the point is not to “win”  This is not a debate competition.  The point is to create understanding.  If this is the goal,  it releases the pressure for one of you to be proven right or wrong.  The goal can be a mutual effort at rebuilding or strengthening the connection.  Essentially, the relationship should be the ultimate victor.

Despite how it may feel, there are always varying perspectives to every situation.  Each of you holds a valid perspective and a resolution will be really hard to achieve if you can’t allow the other person their experience.  You may not agree with them, in which case you can agree to disagree about certain things, but each person must give the other person the room to have their own feelings and perceptions.  

Tolerating another person’s perspective may be a challenge, but it’s a skill you can develop.  Especially when you’re motivated by the desire for intimacy, you can learn to accept that another person has a different point of view.  It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, disrespected, or belittled.  It simply means people are unique and experience things in different ways.  As long as each person remains respectful in their communications, a disagreement does not have to be conflictual.  Learning to tolerate and accept differences is a really great gift to yourself and the people you care about.  It allows you to let go and trust, rather than holding on to a potential power struggle.

Beware of the urge to be dramatic.  It’s so common to use the words “you always” or “you never” when you want to make your point.  But these types of accusations surely put another person on the defensive.  The first thing they’ll want to do is to remind you of the times they did the opposite of what you say they always or never did or said.  Also, try to avoid personal attacks.  Keep the focus on a behavior or situation that didn’t feel right, rather than attacking someone’s character or intelligence. 

Try to express things from your own point of reference (the classic “I” statement) rather than assuming you know what the other person was thinking or their intentions.  Allow each other the time and space to complete their thoughts before you respond.  Things escalate quickly when people interrupt each other.  Often, we stop listening, formulating our next attack, rather than hear what someone is saying.  Remember the talking stick? That old stick does help to stop people from talking over one another! (As long as it’s not used as a weapon.)  If interruptions are a problem for you and the other person, you can pick a “talking object” that has special meaning or even humor for you and the person you’re talking to.

And finally, it’s essential to maintain both physical and emotional safety.  When you or the other person feel things are getting out of hand, take a break.  It’s so much better to temporarily disconnect than continue to attack each other.  It may be important to discuss boundaries at a time when you’re not upset, and lay out guidelines of acceptable behavior.  When someone begins to raise their voice, when they become too emotional, or when they stop being able to hear the other person, these are all good times to step back and commit to reapproaching when things are less tense. 

Avoiding conflict can be harmful as well.  Withdrawing or refusing to talk is an act of aggression.  It keeps the other person from being seen and has a way of invalidating someone’s experience.  Forgetting, denying, or belittling are all passive aggressive ways of discharging anger and taking control.  These behaviors most often lead to resentments and the building up of bad feelings that erode trust and closeness.

In couples therapy, one of the most important indicators of a healthy relationship is the ability to “repair” when there’s been a hurtful interaction.  People fight!  We disagree!  We get annoyed and frustrated with one another.  We have times when we feel ignored, disappointed, or angry.  These are all natural parts of closely sharing your world with someone.  I’m actually a little worried when couples tell me they “never have disagreements.”  Say what?  Are you really being open with each other, able to risk having a difference of opinion or expressing your truth? 

It’s natural to have some tensions and encounter some bumps along the road!  What matters is how you handle them.  Do you slow down and proceed with caution or do you barrel through creating more turbulence?  Do you turn around and go home or do you take hold of the wheel?  Even if you didn’t create the bumps, you’re still responsible for how you navigate them.  Be safe, be patient, and be aware of just how you’re driving impacts your fellow travelers!