As I mention every year in my posts around Thanksgiving, it’s my favorite holiday.  I love the fact that it gets me thinking about gratitude and all that I have in my life.  This year, for some reason, I’ve been feeling a great sense of gratitude for something that isn’t even a thing or a relationship. It’s a psychological tool very related and necessary for change:  the ability to think and reflect.   It truly is a remarkable ability that we all have available to us and something I tend to take for granted.  But truly, the capacity to step back from a  situation and self reflect is a precious gift that empowers us to shape our lives in ways that can be more fulfilling.

Sometimes when I spend time with my pets I’m a bit jealous of their universal state of being in the moment.  I don’t imagine them worrying about what they said or did or thinking about how they need to do better.  They react and respond with instinct and impulse, free from fretting about where next week’s hay is coming from (they have me to do that).  When I’m with them, the joy of being in the present is so clear to me as I stroke their necks and scratch their bellies. But they also don’t count down to their birthday, look forward to a vacation, or feel a sense of awe at the occasional rainbow that forms over their pasture.

Our unique human brain power is not just about being able to recall the past or anticipate the future, but we can evaluate it.  We can separate from our experience and consider it through our values and our intentions.  We can shift our perspectives if we want to look at something in a different way.  For example, I was lamenting with a coworker about the potential disasters that will affect healthcare and the people we serve.  My colleague smiled and said, “yes, but that’s exactly why we’re here.”  Wow.  It made me feel empowered and energized rather than discouraged and drained.  I had a skip in my step on the way to the clinic that day.  

Our ability to reframe and interpret a situation in various manners is truly a Superpower.  We have so much more control and can mold paths of opportunity out of roadblocks.  Our mindset can totally drive our mood, our judgement, and our behavior.  In that way, perhaps it is the key ingredient to resilience.  Reflection helps us understand ourselves, our relationships, and gives us the opportunity to grow.   And being such a powerful tool, we have to be careful with it.  We can become too analytic or self critical if we overthink and allow ourselves to blend it with harsh judgment. 

Self reflection should help us clarify our values and compare how our choices align with these values. We then have a chance to adjust in order to stay on the intended path.  And with this, it gives us the chance to feel regret and take action on this.  A good apology is not a weakness, but a wonderful chance to shape our relationships to fit our intentions.  Self reflection, rather than tie us down, should give us freedom.  We can reconsider and look at things from differing angles and interpretations.

I am lucky enough to witness it most every day in my work.  At first, people are reluctant to go inside and turn over the burdens that feel so heavy to examine them more closely.  But as they do, they gain insight and awareness that leads to a shift in their feelings and frees them from a sense of helplessness.  They literally say things like, “I feel so much lighter,” or “I understand now” with a smile.  It’s so miraculous, actually, how with just some time and purposeful attention, a shift in our thinking can have such an impact.

What a lucky thing we have this powerful tool at our disposal.  Sometimes it takes a little training to be able to use it, and sometimes we need a little guidance to apply it skillfully, but it’s in our tool box all of the time. And we don’t even need to be near an electric outlet or need a charged battery to engage it. Self reflection, in fact, more than any possible tool you could find at Home Depot or on Amazon, can truly give us the ability to build bridges and tear down walls.  Now that’s some beautiful home improvement!

I must admit, there are times when I use this blog as a confessional.  (Ok, now I’m confessing to confessing).  I write about something on my mind that I’m working through or noticing about myself.  It gives me a chance to think about it, do a little research, and decide if I’m uniquely crazy or if others are going through something similar.  Lately, I’ve been noticing the joy I feel in having a package arrive at my doorstep.  I’ve always known myself to enjoy shopping, especially shoes, purses and jewelry, but what I’m noticing is a bit different.  It’s the pleasure in anticipating something coming and then receiving it.  It can be shampoo or even a toy for my pets.  Something about getting something delivered floats my boat!

Am I crazy?  Materially oriented?  Selfish?  Probably all of these, to some extent.  But I’m relieved to report I’m not alone.  According to a survey of over 1,000 people published in October of 2025, 79% of people say they get packages daily, 64% are men! And 55% of people report feeling happy and 51% of people report feeling excited when the delivery arrives.  Less than 10% of people report feeling regret or remorse.  Although the most common motivations for ordering online include “convenience”, “stress”, and “habit”, I’m a little skeptical these descriptions paint the entire picture of the experience.  These motivations seem so ordinary, not the kind of behavior that leads to an experience of happiness or excitement, for heaven’s sake!  

For sure it’s much easier to tap a few computer keys to get my shampoo that I can’t just get at a grocery store.  It saves me the hassle and gas of driving to a salon.  And yes, the selection is much better online.  I can get the Athleta shirt I love to hike in, even when there is no Athleta in any nearby town.  But these conveniences are experiences that bring me satisfaction.  Where does the tingly sense of happiness or excitement come in when it arrives?

It turns out, it’s the dopamine.  According to several scientific sources, the joy in receiving something delivered is a psychological phenomenon. The experience of anticipation drives the brain’s reward system combined with the tactile experience and sense of connection you experience when you open it.  Even if you know what the package is, the timing of the delivery and the act of opening the package provides an unexpected burst of novelty and surprise.  Unexpected positive events trigger strong emotional responses in our brain pleasure centers through the release of dopamine. And when the item arrives, a small boost in our reward center is initiated based on a sense of pride in accomplishing a goal.

Now that makes sense to me.  I do feel a bit of a rush when I open the door to find a box sitting waiting for me  on my porch.  But I would add one more element to this overall picture based on my own internal reflection and I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I feel taken care of.  My days are hectic, my to do lists are long, and my time is limited. I’m often busy being responsible for people and pets, and, as an adult, I must take care of myself.  There is a little part of me that feels nurtured when something I need or want arrives at my door. Perhaps a little girl part of me feels like I’ve been given a present, or at least a little gift of a helping hand.  It might explain my desire to furiously thank every delivery person who makes it up our hill and to the top of our steps!!  I feel gratitude that something I want or need has just been brought right to me without my having to go out and get it.  (“For me?  Why thank you!  Just what I wanted”).  And as I suspected, gratitude not only releases dopamine in the reward centers of the brain, it also stimulates the release of serotonin, our feel good brain chemical.  

So, the next time I feel giddy seeing the Fed Ex truck roll up the driveway, I can embrace the feeling.  It’s a natural high!  As long as I’m not going overboard with my shopping, I can let myself feel the pleasure of getting given something I ordered.  Because I always have to remember, these are earned items.  They may feel like gifts, but they are far from free!

Like a good NJ girl, I went to see the biopic about Bruce Springsteen opening weekend.  I was curious about the movie’s focus on the period of his life in which he wrote and recorded the album Nebraska, when he was suffering from intense depression. Although I’m not a movie critic, I can share that I really enjoyed the movie, not only because of my beloved Bruce, but because of its raw depiction of the experience of his depression – how it developed, how it affected him, and how he worked his way through it.  It’s a rare, and I think brave, peak behind the show curtains of a profoundly talented artist and performer.  As a big Bruce fan, I’m touched by all he’d been through, but as a mental health professional, I’m even more grateful for his candid portrayal of his pain and his receptivity to getting treatment.  I can only hope it will help others, especially young men, to identify their depression and empower them to understand and work through it.

One in four people are likely to be diagnosed with depression.  While more women than men receive a diagnosis of depression, there is a large gender disparity in how depression manifests in women and men that is thought to explain the difference.  Women tend to exhibit more “classic” symptoms, like sadness, guilt, and worthlessness, while men tend to externalize their distress through anger, irritability, risky behavior, or substance abuse.  Women are socialized in a way that often can help them identify their distress and reach out to others for support.  Traditionally, men are socialized to be stoic and are not taught how to interpret or recognize their emotions, which makes it more difficult for them to label their need for help and to ask for it.  In several studies, when “male-type symptoms” were added to the criteria, the differences in the rates of depression between men and women were eliminated.

In the movie, we see how a young Bruce is shaped by his father’s mental illness and abuse and his mother’s over-reliance on him.  He’s pulled into the role of protector and is exposed to feelings and situations far more complicated than a child can handle.  He has no one to talk to about it and is confused by the swirling of anger, love, fear and loyalty to his family.  He uses his music to channel the build up of his pain.  In time, he becomes so burdened by his anger and guilt, he withdraws from relationships, puts himself in risky situations, and begins to implode from the weight of his distress (classic depressive symptoms in men). We see how a sensitive child struggles in transitioning into manhood/adulthood amidst such a chaotic environment.  As Bruce Springsteen describes in a follow up interview, “Mental illness ran through my family.  These were the people that I loved.  But no one got any help whatsoever. There was no medication.  There was no interactions with any psychological help.  And so, everybody just suffered through it.”  Springsteen credits his manager for saving his life after the release of his album Nebraska, identifying his depression and setting him up with a therapist.  He shares about being in therapy for ten years and his episode after Nebraska as being the “first” of his “breakdowns.”

Deliver Me from Nowhere is a movie about Bruce Springsteen, but more so, a study of coming of age in a state of fragile manhood.  I think it couldn’t be more timely or necessary as we watch the epidemic of isolation and loneliness of our young people combined with a resurgence of toxic masculinity.  How does a young man make sense of his anger and intensity?  How does he channel the emotion or release the tension?  Where does he turn if no one will listen or understand or if the people he loves are the source of his stress?  How does he express his fear and vulnerability?  His grief and disappointment?  So much of the work I do with young men and adult men in therapy is to translate their anger into understanding the sadness underlying it.  Being sad is hard in our male culture.  It requires feeling helpless, vulnerable, and even powerless.  But it’s a large part of the human experience and of the repercussions of growing up and taking risks and making mistakes.  Or of being dependent or in need of others.  All important consequences of and elements to being in connection and living with intimacy.  

In the movie, after sharing with his manager that he is lost and doesn’t know how to go on, Bruce meets with his therapist for the first time.  The young man, so gifted with his words and his story telling, is so overwhelmed he can’t speak.  Slowly, the tears start coming and the path to healing begins.