I’m leaving my job after almost 11 years. I feel excited by the vision of a new work chapter looming over the horizon, but in my current path, there are a heck of a lot of good-byes to be done. It’s hard to stay in the pain of separation, but I also know how important it is to do this well.
Most all of us have had significantly bad good byes – being abandoned, someone minimizing the impact, not giving us the opportunity for closure. The term “ghosting” tells it all. It leaves us in a haze not knowing what happened or why. A properly done goodbye allows us to accept what is happening and find closure where possible. It also serves as an inoculation against the fear of bad separations in the future.
The impact of a goodbye affects both people in a relationship. For the person doing the leaving, a thoughtful goodbye is linked to positive emotions and helps with an easier transition for the next phase of life. It reduces regrets of having things you wish you’d said and gives you peace of mind that you allowed the other person the opportunity to express what they were wanting or needing to say. For the person staying, a mindful goodbye helps them process their own feelings, provides a space for support and to find solace together which is a step in healing from loss. Goodbyes involve sharing memories, laughter, tears, and honoring the relationship and its meaning. It gives the people in a relationship the chance to acknowledge the energy put into creating and maintaining the connection. Even if an ending is painful, such as a break up or an unplanned ending, a good bye allows for a beginning to the process of psychological closure, making peace with and making sense of what was, in order to move forward.
Despite the importance of thoughtful goodbyes, it’s hard to confront the complex feelings directly and so most people avoid it. Ironically, this is often more painful in the long run! To help promote a positive experience in a farewell, it helps to acknowledge that leaving or being left involves a lot of mixed feelings. It can help to prepare and in some cases to plan a ritual to help support the process. This could include a gathering, attending an event together, or simply planning a series of informal get togethers. Think about what you want to say and what questions you may have now or anticipate having in the future. Think about how you would, or if you would, like to stay in touch. It’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings even for someone you really love. Loss can bring anger, hurt, fear, and even relief.
It’s also helpful to think about timing. Sometimes we don’t have the option to give the proper notice we’d like, but if at all possible, it’s vital to give goodbyes proper attention, especially if it’s involving a significant relationship. People will have differing reactions, but also across time, one person’s feelings will change. Most people go through a grieving process, often in the form of denial, anger, sadness and acceptance. As the one doing the leaving it’s important to accept the range of feelings as a testament to the relationship’s importance. Often, to make ourselves feel better or reduce our guilt, we minimize our significance and the impact of the loss because it feels awful to hurt someone. Because of how emotional good endings can be, they are exhausting.
As I am doing my best to show up for people in my leaving process, it helps to remind myself that engaging in a complete good bye is actually a great gift to someone you care about. It offers them a chance to hear you share what they have meant to you and to reflect on how you both have changed as a result of your connection. And equally, it gives them a chance to express to you what you have meant to them. It’s important to be a gracious receiver of these sentiments. How you end a relationship will have a long term effect on how the relationship is remembered. By doing it well, you can continue to grow the trust and intimacy that was created.
It is so cliche to say, but true, that goodbyes are a part of everyday life. And each farewell or separation is unique. Sometimes they’re temporary and sometimes they’re permanent. Pay attention to the reality of the moment and its significance. The heartache is a reflection of the power of the intimacy. I, myself, am working hard to stay open to the range of emotions I have as I pass through the threshold of this place in my life. I remind myself that the pain of loss is inverse to the depth of connection. As such, the pain truly symbolizes love.
In the past 10 years I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to love and be loved. To learn and to teach. To grow and to change. To witness others grow and change and to be honored in having a role in that process. I have trusted and been trusted, disappointed and been disappointed. Of great importance is having been afforded the gracious opportunity for repairs. My last therapeutic offering for myself and the people I work with is to part ways with great presence and to allow myself to feel and express my profound and everlasting gratitude. I have truly become a better clinician and better human being as a result of all of these daily connections. They were created while I was there, but will endure well beyond my parting.