I’m leaving my job after almost 11 years.  I feel excited by the vision of a new work chapter looming over the horizon,  but in my current path, there are a heck of a lot of good-byes to be done.  It’s hard to stay in the pain of separation, but I also know how important it is to do this well.

Most all of us have had significantly bad good byes – being abandoned, someone minimizing the impact, not giving us the opportunity for closure.  The term “ghosting” tells it all. It leaves us in a haze not knowing what happened or why.  A properly done goodbye allows us to accept what is happening and find closure where possible.  It also serves as an inoculation against the fear of bad separations in the future. 

The impact of a goodbye affects both people in a relationship.  For the person doing the leaving, a thoughtful goodbye is linked to positive emotions and helps with an easier transition for the next phase of life.  It reduces regrets of having things you wish you’d said and gives you peace of mind that you allowed the other person the opportunity to express what they were wanting or needing to say.  For the person staying, a mindful goodbye helps them process their own feelings, provides a space for support and to find solace together which is a step in healing from loss.  Goodbyes involve sharing memories, laughter, tears, and honoring the relationship and its meaning.  It gives the people in a relationship the chance to acknowledge the energy put into creating and maintaining the connection.  Even if an ending is painful, such as a break up or an unplanned ending, a good bye allows for a beginning to the process of psychological closure, making peace with and making sense of what was, in order to move forward.  

Despite the importance of thoughtful goodbyes, it’s hard to confront the complex feelings directly and so most people avoid it. Ironically, this is often more painful in the long run!  To help promote a positive experience in a farewell, it helps to acknowledge that leaving or being left involves a lot of mixed feelings.  It can help to prepare and in some cases to plan a ritual to help support the process.  This could include a gathering, attending an event together, or simply planning a series of informal get togethers. Think about what you want to say and what questions you may have now or anticipate having in the future.  Think about how you would, or if you would, like to stay in touch.  It’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings even for someone you really love.  Loss can bring anger, hurt, fear, and even relief.

It’s also helpful to think about timing.  Sometimes we don’t have the option to give the proper notice we’d like, but if at all possible, it’s vital to give goodbyes proper attention, especially if it’s involving a significant relationship.  People will have differing reactions, but also across time, one person’s feelings will change.  Most people go through a grieving process, often in the form of denial, anger, sadness and acceptance.  As the one doing the leaving it’s important to accept the range of feelings as a testament to the relationship’s importance.  Often, to make ourselves feel better or reduce our guilt, we minimize our significance and the impact of the loss because it feels awful to hurt someone.  Because of how emotional good endings can be, they are exhausting. 

As I am doing my best to show up for people in my leaving process, it helps to remind myself that engaging in a complete good bye is actually a great gift to someone you care about. It offers them a chance to hear you share what they have meant to you and to reflect on how you both have changed as a result of your connection.  And equally, it gives them a chance to express to you what you have meant to them.  It’s important to be a gracious receiver of these sentiments.  How you end a relationship will have a long term effect on how the relationship is remembered.  By doing it well, you can continue to grow the trust and intimacy that was created.  

It is so cliche to say, but true, that goodbyes are a part of everyday life.  And each farewell or separation is unique.  Sometimes they’re temporary and sometimes they’re permanent.  Pay attention to the reality of the moment and its significance.  The heartache is a reflection of the power of the intimacy.  I, myself, am working hard to stay open to the range of emotions I have as I pass through the threshold of this place in my life.  I remind myself that the pain of loss is inverse to the depth of connection. As such, the pain truly symbolizes love.  

In the past 10 years I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to love and be loved.  To learn and to teach.  To grow and to change.  To witness others grow and change and to be honored in having a role in that process.  I have trusted and been trusted, disappointed and been disappointed.  Of great importance is having been afforded the gracious opportunity for repairs.  My last therapeutic offering for myself and the people I work with is to part ways with great presence and to allow myself to feel and express my profound and everlasting gratitude.  I have truly become a better clinician and better human being as a result of all of these daily connections. They were created while I was there, but will endure well beyond my parting.

I was enjoying myself at a Labor Day BBQ, chatting with an interesting man.  He was a successful business executive, dedicated to running a large company for many years.  But as we were sharing about our lives, he said something to his wife referencing their horoscope. They had stayed longer at the BBQ than they had intended, given their reading for the day suggested they should have a quiet day at home.  My eyebrows raised and my interest was definitely piqued.  Your horoscope?  “Oh, yes,” he replied, telling me how he checks the horoscopes from the SF Chronicle for himself and his wife every day.  He’s been doing this for years.

Interesting, I thought.  People sure do surprise you.  He seemed like such a man of logic and practicality, reason and fact.  I had to pursue it.  “May I ask you about your connection to your horoscope?”  His reply really spoke to me.  “Of course,” he said, with a look of great sincerity, “It reminds me that not everything is in my control.”

I’ve thought about this ever since then, the dance we all do with our sense of being in charge of our lives and the vulnerability we feel when we’re not.  We all like to feel we’re in control, but it can also be a burden. We have to carry the stress of our decisions and the weight of our power.  There is, in fact, a relief at letting go, and recognizing the powerful influences of all the forces we can’t control. But there is also great vulnerability in this, an uncertainty that is hard to tolerate.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

We all have to find a way to manage this tricky balance.  Some people use religion and find great comfort in the idea that God has a plan for them.  Other people use rituals, some might even say superstitions.  I have a tendency to hold my breath going through tunnels and make a wish. I also make sure to attach a desire to each sighting of a shooting star.  Ever watch an athlete about to compete?  They often look like someone having a seizure, going through twitches of motions that need to be done in order to perform their best.  

History shows that people become more interested in astrology during tumultuous times, with interest rising during the Great Depression in the 1930s as well as in Germany before the two world wars.  There was even a boom in interest during the pandemic. Research suggests the use of astrology helps people make sense of things during times when life feels complex.  It’s such a fundamental human need to want to feel we have a source of wisdom, advice, and/or something or someone beyond ourselves who is watching out for us.

Who doesn’t want a way to make order or sense of the world when life feels so unpredictable?  Why not lean on something that provides a bit of insight into the mystery of the universe?  And even when my head tells me that there is no rational way to explain how my eating the same food during a NY Giants game will lead to victory, I like thinking I’m helping out the team.  It’s something I can do and a way to be a part of the action.  Or maybe it’s just an excuse to eat nachos. Either way, it feels like it improves my chances for a good result, even if that’s just some chips and yummy melted cheese.  And, who knows, maybe that man at the BBQ was using his horoscope as an excuse to stop talking to me?  Either way, it serves him well.