Ok, so this may be a bit of a strange one, but please hang in there with me. It’s a mind stretch, but one that got me thinking. 

I recently came back from an amazing trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. Thank you so much to my sister-in-law Rosa who planned and hosted this amazing experience.  For an animal/nature lover, it was truly an exceptional adventure.  And as I had the magical opportunity to walk among sea lions stretched out sleeping on the beach, iguanas piled up in large numbers to gather warmth, and giant tortoises munching on grass, I was so struck by how peaceful they were.  It was their land and we were the guests.  We had a required guide who made sure we didn’t intrude or bother them.  And as we learned the way that these animals and birds have evolved and thrived, the main point was that due to the isolation of the island (and more recently the protections of the government) these animals were free of predators.  They could be who they were and live so peacefully with their environment all because they did not have to worry about their safety.

So what has stayed with me since returning home to my job and my life is this:  Who would I be if I didn’t have any predators?  The ones that threaten me from without, but also, the predator that lives within me?

Maslow, the famous psychologist, in his hierarchy of needs, put safety as one of the foundational needs, only food, water and air coming before it.  He recognizes that we cannot “move up” the chain of other needs, establishing love, belonging, esteem and self actualization if we do not feel safe. Depending on our life circumstances, we may have to worry about crime, deportation, or domestic violence.  Or losing our rights, our employment, our housing, or our health.  These predators preoccupy us and maintaining safety from these threats become the necessary focus of our lives.  

And then there are the predators from within, the critical voices in our head that limit our freedoms.  Often the result of an internalization of external predators (angry parent, school yard bully, mean teacher that made us feel bad), we have a chorus of inner voices that shame and berate us; that doubt our abilities and limit our sense of opportunity.  These internal predators hold us back from trying new things, from taking risks, and from reaching for things we may dream of because of predicted failure and harsh judgments of any efforts to try.  These internal voices also reflect societal pressures and unhealthy cultural norms or unrealistic expectations that lead us to hide our true self away.  

So I ask myself, with a little bit of humor, is that momma sea lion laying on the beach sleeping soundly in the sun worried about looking fat?  Not to say she has no worries, mothering her pup, needing to fish. But overall she is relatively safe and free to live her sea lion life. The blue footed boobies that make their nests on the ground, we walk right by them, they show no fear of us in their space.  Again, it’s not that they don’t have to compete for a partner and protect their eggs, but they are free and able to live their best bird lives. The iguanas and tortoises are relaxed and free to be who they are meant to be. 

So I challenge you to ask yourself and play with the idea – who would I be if I had no predators?  Without any threats, how would I be different?  Feeling safe, how could I be more of who I was meant to be?

In my last post I mentioned the importance of asking questions for making good conversation.  This simple act made a huge difference in how people were perceived in terms of their likeability.  It was also rated highly by the asker in terms of an easy thing to do to improve their conversational skills.  So today, I thought I would give a little more attention to question asking, as it really is a phenomenal tool for making connections with people.  But as in all things, there is a bit of nuance to know in order to help you reap the benefits in your next conversations.

Truly connecting with people involves making them feel valued, heard and worth listening to.  Questions are a great way to make this happen.  Questions can encourage active listening and create more interactive dialogue.  It demonstrates your interest and desire to get to know how someone else thinks or feels.  It supports collaboration and rapport building as well.  As long as you’re asking your question with genuine interest and good listening skills.  Have you ever had someone ask a question and then look at their phone as you respond?  Good listening after asking a question is a key to success in delivery.  When you actively listen, you will naturally pick up information and build trust that helps the conversation to keep flowing.  Successful asking involves letting someone be successful in responding.

Another helpful tip in being a good questioner is to ask open ended questions. Close ended questions involve a yes or no answer.  They tend to limit conversation and shut things down.  Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes or no answer, they invite a more thorough response, such as a story, opinion, or memory.  In research, people tend to respond with at least four times as many words when asked an open ended question.  And often they elicit more unexpected responses or deepening of conversations.  For example asking someone what their best memory was from their vacation in Italy (open ended) versus did they have a good trip (close ended)?  Or what was their favorite amusement park ride versus have you ever ridden a roller coaster?  Open-ended questions create more opportunities for the listener to share.  

Another easy question to ask is a follow up question.  It works magic to keep a conversation going and shows your interest and engagement like nothing else.  It can involve simply reflecting back what someone has said and showing you want more information. “You speak Italian? When did you learn?”  “You went to Yosemite! Was that your first time?”  Parents of teenagers often ask how I can get them to talk to me, when they only get one word responses from their kids.  I teach them the art of the follow up question in its simplest form:  “Really? Tell me more about that!”  I signal that I have listened and am interested in knowing more from the teens perspective, rather than grilling them with a potential agenda.  Research shows that people who ask more follow up questions are perceived as more intelligent and emotionally aware.  (If you want to know more about me, you must be intelligent!)

There are, in fact, a few question-asking “don’ts” to be aware of.  One is known as the Boomer-ask.  It’s asking a particular question with the true agenda being that you want to tell someone something about yourself.  It’s a set up to talk and not really to listen.  “Are you near retirement?  Oh, no?  Well, I just retired and have never been happier, let me tell you about our recent trip…”  The other “no-no” in question-asking is to ask a question and then interrupt the other person as they are answering.  It serves to send the message that you aren’t really all that interested and that you’re impatient and kind of selfish.  In fact, it’s better to let someone finish, even if there’s a brief pause of silence.  Too often we are so worried about awkward silence that we cut off an answer or prevent a flow of conversation.  Research shows that a brief pause of silence can help people reflect and give a more thoughtful response to one another.  

And finally, a little advice to the curious?  Try to avoid “why” questions.  In psychology, we call them “ego assaultive.”  Asking someone why they did or said something can make people feel they have to defend themselves.  Best to approach with a “how’” or “what” question to get more information. For example, “Why do you like Thai food?” sounds more judgmental than “What Thai food is your favorite?” Remember the four W’s and an H…Who, What, Where, When and How.

The main thing to remember in being a good question-asker is that the goal is connection.  There are really very few wrong questions or wrong ways to ask a question if your intentions are good and your desire to understand or get to know someone is sincere.  In fact, why not ask someone to share about the last person they had a really enjoyable conversation with? I bet they have an engaging story to share about that!  And then ask them to tell you more!