With years of engaging the blank stares of young people, who shrug their shoulders with “I don’t know,” you’d think I’d be more comfortable making small talk.  I essentially make conversation for a living.  But alas, I’m actually terrible at it!  Few things bring me more anxiety than a room of people I’ve never met with who I’m supposed to socialize with.  So when I saw a book called TALK, written by a Harvard business school professor, Alison Wood Brooks, with years of research on conversation, I was eager to learn more.  And with a wedding approaching, to which I was thrilled to go, but had to go solo, I was presented with an opportunity to practice.  So here are a few tips I found useful both from the book, other sources, and my own experimentation.

First of all, don’t interpret your anxiety as unpleasantness.  Often people who feel uncomfortable hide their face in a phone, walk away to look busy, or pretend to be doing something very important.  It’s all an effort to seem at ease, withdrawing to avoid awkwardness.  But if we can tolerate some awkwardness, we can actually get the great benefits of social engagement.  In fact, much research shows that small talk can positively affect a person’s overall well being by boosting mood and reducing social isolation.  Long term studies on isolation show consistently that having a light conversation even with a stranger or acquaintance can help people feel more connected with one another and have a stronger sense of community.  Researcher Barabara Sandstorm writes, “Those who have daily casual interactions, like talking to someone at a coffee shop or a neighbor at the mailbox, can create a greater sense of belonging and overall well being.”  Instead of thinking of your discomfort as “being bad at small talk,” try to reinterpret this nervous energy as excitement.  We don’t know what will happen!  It could be fun and nice to have something unexpected occur or learn something new or gain a new perspective.  The key is to not take it personally if things don’t go as well as hoped!  Don’t interpret someone not engaging with you as a rejection of you as a person.  Assume it’s something about them or the situation.  They don’t even know you, so how can it be about you!

Organizational psychologist Matt Abrahams at Stanford notes that people put way too much pressure on themselves when it comes to small talk anxiety.  Successful small talk usually starts with something obvious or trivial – the weather, the latest sports news, a small annoyance.  Small talk is a simple way to begin connection and a gateway to further conversation if desired. The easiest way to begin a spontaneous conversation is to make an observation about your shared surroundings or the purpose of your shared experience in that moment (ordering coffee “have you ever tried the matcha latte?”)  In some more anticipated scenarios, such as an upcoming work event or party, you can prepare in advance some relevant topics.  Take a little time to think about who will be there, what you may have in common or want to know about other people (“How are you related to Aunt Sally?”)

A successful conversation requires cooperation.  Abrahms advises to think of it less like a tennis match where you’re trying to return a volley with a good stroke as quickly as possible, and more like a game of hacky sack.  It’s a collaborative effort by two people to keep in connection and keep the sack in the air.  Most people are appreciating the attention rather than judging you for your skills.  You are subtly coordinating with the other person, so you want to set them up so they can set you up.  And the most important thing to remember is that it’s more important to be INTERESTED than INTERESTING!  This is a mindset shift that can really predict what makes people pleasant to talk to.  Research on people rated as “someone I would want to talk to again” indicated they were people who listen well and ask questions.  Questions are a great facilitator of conversation.  Asking a question shows your interest in the other person and what they think and feel.  Asking a clarifying question further solidifies your interest and deepens a conversation beyond the initial superficial talk.  Questions also give you a moment to think, which can reduce anxiety and pressure and the tendency to ramble.  Remember to listen to the other person’s nonverbal communication.  Are they leaning in or trying to pay for their groceries?  Are they making eye contact while waiting for the bus or giving their child a snack? Reading the room can help with choosing a successful bantering partner.

Like everything, small talk gets easier with practice.  And the more you give it a try, the more success you’ll have, which lessens the impact of the occasional snub.  Sandstrom’s  research validates that the more people engage in small talk, the more confident they become, and the less they worry about rejection.  When you can make it about the other person and your desire to have a pleasant exchange, you reduce the pressure on both of you.  Think of your effort as an invitation and a kind gesture, not a bother.  And be a good responder.  If someone gives a clue that they are wanting to be left alone, intensely re-engaging with their novel or scrolling on their phone, just move on.  There is probably a reason they are more closed that has nothing to do with you!  And in kind, be a good recipient of small talk.  Appreciate the effort and smile.  And if you are not open to small talk, politely explain your need to prepare for a meeting or have some silence.

So how did my wedding experience go?  Actually, much better than I thought!  I had a really good time and had some fun conversations. At first I was hesitant to strike up the small talk, but it definitely got easier as I went along.  People were receptive and appreciative of my introduction and my asking about how they knew the couple and where they were from.  To be honest, it was kind of tiring to be more extroverted than I normally am, but retreating for an occasional stroll of the garden helped me to refuel.  It was a beautiful wedding full of love and I was so happy to be there for my dear friend and mother of the bride.  And she could not have been a more gracious host, looking out for me and getting me on the dance floor.  Which was a great tip I learned!  Dancing is a fabulous way to connect in a large group without having to say a word!!   Just smile and spin around! Like Billy Idol, “If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance and I’d be dancing with myself!  Oh oh oh!”