With years of engaging the blank stares of young people, who shrug their shoulders with “I don’t know,” you’d think I’d be more comfortable making small talk.  I essentially make conversation for a living.  But alas, I’m actually terrible at it!  Few things bring me more anxiety than a room of people I’ve never met with who I’m supposed to socialize with.  So when I saw a book called TALK, written by a Harvard business school professor, Alison Wood Brooks, with years of research on conversation, I was eager to learn more.  And with a wedding approaching, to which I was thrilled to go, but had to go solo, I was presented with an opportunity to practice.  So here are a few tips I found useful both from the book, other sources, and my own experimentation.

First of all, don’t interpret your anxiety as unpleasantness.  Often people who feel uncomfortable hide their face in a phone, walk away to look busy, or pretend to be doing something very important.  It’s all an effort to seem at ease, withdrawing to avoid awkwardness.  But if we can tolerate some awkwardness, we can actually get the great benefits of social engagement.  In fact, much research shows that small talk can positively affect a person’s overall well being by boosting mood and reducing social isolation.  Long term studies on isolation show consistently that having a light conversation even with a stranger or acquaintance can help people feel more connected with one another and have a stronger sense of community.  Researcher Barabara Sandstorm writes, “Those who have daily casual interactions, like talking to someone at a coffee shop or a neighbor at the mailbox, can create a greater sense of belonging and overall well being.”  Instead of thinking of your discomfort as “being bad at small talk,” try to reinterpret this nervous energy as excitement.  We don’t know what will happen!  It could be fun and nice to have something unexpected occur or learn something new or gain a new perspective.  The key is to not take it personally if things don’t go as well as hoped!  Don’t interpret someone not engaging with you as a rejection of you as a person.  Assume it’s something about them or the situation.  They don’t even know you, so how can it be about you!

Organizational psychologist Matt Abrahams at Stanford notes that people put way too much pressure on themselves when it comes to small talk anxiety.  Successful small talk usually starts with something obvious or trivial – the weather, the latest sports news, a small annoyance.  Small talk is a simple way to begin connection and a gateway to further conversation if desired. The easiest way to begin a spontaneous conversation is to make an observation about your shared surroundings or the purpose of your shared experience in that moment (ordering coffee “have you ever tried the matcha latte?”)  In some more anticipated scenarios, such as an upcoming work event or party, you can prepare in advance some relevant topics.  Take a little time to think about who will be there, what you may have in common or want to know about other people (“How are you related to Aunt Sally?”)

A successful conversation requires cooperation.  Abrahms advises to think of it less like a tennis match where you’re trying to return a volley with a good stroke as quickly as possible, and more like a game of hacky sack.  It’s a collaborative effort by two people to keep in connection and keep the sack in the air.  Most people are appreciating the attention rather than judging you for your skills.  You are subtly coordinating with the other person, so you want to set them up so they can set you up.  And the most important thing to remember is that it’s more important to be INTERESTED than INTERESTING!  This is a mindset shift that can really predict what makes people pleasant to talk to.  Research on people rated as “someone I would want to talk to again” indicated they were people who listen well and ask questions.  Questions are a great facilitator of conversation.  Asking a question shows your interest in the other person and what they think and feel.  Asking a clarifying question further solidifies your interest and deepens a conversation beyond the initial superficial talk.  Questions also give you a moment to think, which can reduce anxiety and pressure and the tendency to ramble.  Remember to listen to the other person’s nonverbal communication.  Are they leaning in or trying to pay for their groceries?  Are they making eye contact while waiting for the bus or giving their child a snack? Reading the room can help with choosing a successful bantering partner.

Like everything, small talk gets easier with practice.  And the more you give it a try, the more success you’ll have, which lessens the impact of the occasional snub.  Sandstrom’s  research validates that the more people engage in small talk, the more confident they become, and the less they worry about rejection.  When you can make it about the other person and your desire to have a pleasant exchange, you reduce the pressure on both of you.  Think of your effort as an invitation and a kind gesture, not a bother.  And be a good responder.  If someone gives a clue that they are wanting to be left alone, intensely re-engaging with their novel or scrolling on their phone, just move on.  There is probably a reason they are more closed that has nothing to do with you!  And in kind, be a good recipient of small talk.  Appreciate the effort and smile.  And if you are not open to small talk, politely explain your need to prepare for a meeting or have some silence.

So how did my wedding experience go?  Actually, much better than I thought!  I had a really good time and had some fun conversations. At first I was hesitant to strike up the small talk, but it definitely got easier as I went along.  People were receptive and appreciative of my introduction and my asking about how they knew the couple and where they were from.  To be honest, it was kind of tiring to be more extroverted than I normally am, but retreating for an occasional stroll of the garden helped me to refuel.  It was a beautiful wedding full of love and I was so happy to be there for my dear friend and mother of the bride.  And she could not have been a more gracious host, looking out for me and getting me on the dance floor.  Which was a great tip I learned!  Dancing is a fabulous way to connect in a large group without having to say a word!!   Just smile and spin around! Like Billy Idol, “If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance and I’d be dancing with myself!  Oh oh oh!”

What if I told you I had something that could change how you were thinking and reacting to things that was totally free, available any time, and useful in many difficult situations as a way of coping?  You’d probably want some, right?  Well, today I’d like to share with you a strategy for everyday living based on positive psychology research that helps to shift how we hold and process emotionally charged situations.  Cognitive Reappraisal is an intentional shift in perspective from what automatically comes to mind.  It involves changing how we think about a situation in order to change how we feel. Easy, right?  No, of course not, but with intention and focus, it can become a useful tool in the “coping with life” tool box that can reduce our overall level of distress and unburden us from unnecessary stress.

The success of cognitive appraisal reflects a basic fact of psychological life.  What and how we think about things can play a large role in shaping our emotional experience. For most people, especially people who tend to have some anxiety or depression or are prone to stress, our habitual way to interpret events is with a negative filter.  Evolution has actually trained our brain to do this in order to protect us from danger.  If we can see potential harm and anticipate it, we can do something to mitigate it. But this overestimation of negativity will lead us to feeling, well, negative.  Cognitive reappraisal is a fancy way of stepping back from this habitual response to looking at the situation from a differring perspective that can shift its meaning and reduce its emotionally upsetting impact.  For example, you just learn that your dear friend who lives close by is moving away.  Your reaction may be feeling sad, angry, and lonely.  You think about how you will miss her, remind yourself of how people tend to leave you, and imagine losing this important friendship.  Applying a reappraisal, you shift your perspective to thinking about how happy she is to get her new job, how she has been such a great friend to you and support for many years, and how you will be able to visit her in her new home or plan a vacation together to meet in the middle.  While not denying the sadness and disappointment of the situation, you balance the possible negative consequences with potential positive ones.

As a strategy useful for coping, cognitive reappraisal has a double barreled effect according to research.  It both lowers negative emotions such as sadness and anxiety and increases positive emotions associated with well being.  And because it actually alters activity patterns in emotional processing circuits in the brain, over time, it dampens excessive activation of brain centers such as the amygdala, which sends our emotional alarm signals in response to incoming information. Strong emotions limit our capacity for analyzing problems and generating possible solutions (fight/flight/freeze).  Cognitive reappraisal restores access to rational thinking and perspective taking. Researchers have shown that students with intense Math anxiety were able to improve their performance on Math tests with the use of reappraisal during the test.  Brain imaging showed that there was an increase in brain activities linked to arithmetic performance compared to those who didn’t use reappraisal.

Life doesn’t always go the way we want or expect it to.  Experts identify several questions you can ask yourself to stimulate a positive reappraisal for when things go awry.  Are you engaging in some sort of cognitive distortion, such as catastrophizing, looking at the situation in black and white terms, or personalizing a situation?  What evidence is there to support your negative appraisal – in other words, what is fact and what is fear?  Are there any positive outcomes possible for the situation?  Are you grateful for any aspect of the situation?  In what ways may you be better off from experiencing the situation?  What did you learn from it?

A simple little trick I use with myself and with people I work with is actually based on cognitive reappraisal.  Anxious people tend to get caught up in the “what ifs”.  What if I fail, what if I lose my job, what if my husband gets sick.  We anticipate all the negative possibilities.  So, I ask, what if I were to “what if” in the positive?  What if I win the lottery?  What if I meet a new friend?  What if I am the one chosen for the reward?  If we’re going to use our mind to anticipate, why not anticipate for good and not evil?

So, it turns out Monty Python was right – always look on  the bright side of life – at least more of the time.  It’s not about denying reality or truth, but actually seeing the whole truth.  There is usually good and bad in everything.  Reappraising and challenging your negative assumptions can bring about psychological resilience.  It offers a mental resource to distance from negative emotions by adding a perspective that not only dampens negativity, but enables people to think in ways that lead to adaptive responses.   Soooooooo….

… Some things in life are bad; They can really make you mad; Other things just make you swear and curse; When you’re chewing on life’s gristle; Don’t grumble, give a whistle; And this’ll help things turn out for the best; And;… Always look on the bright side of life; Always look on the light side of life; whistle whistle whistle