Summertime means so many social engagements! Some I’m invited and many I’m not.  Even though I don’t do social media (my ego is too fragile), I’m still prone to a little heart ache when I hear people talking about the fun they had doing something I wasn’t a part of.  And the weird thing is, even when I’ve made the choice not to go to something, I can still feel left out!  FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is a real thing, existing long  before social media, but certainly heightened as Instagram shares images of other people vacationing or celebrating without us.  I found this article helpful about the underpinning of FOMO and how to understand it, written by people who have spent a long time studying it.  

Three social psychologists and marketing professors, Barbara Kahn, Cindy Chan, and Jacqueline Rifkin, have studied FOMO for over a decade.    What they’ve come to understand is that the pain of missing out is usually not actually related to the pain of missing the event, but relates more to missing the chance to experience the bond with friends, co-workers, or teammates that comes while engaging in the event.  So the critical part of FOMO is actually the fear of missing out on the interactions with people you value.  FOMO for a group dinner isn’t really about missing a great meal, but it’s the sense of lost opportunity to connect and make memories with people important to you.

FOMO can be thought of as a fear of not belonging.  What if your friends have a great time without you?  What if they bond and get closer to each other, where does that leave you?  The anxiety within FOMO can spiral into an almost paranoid sense of feeling left out.  In support of this, research shows that people with what psychologists call an “anxious attachment style,” those who chronically fear rejection or isolation from others, tend to experience more intense FOMO.  

Another piece of research that lends support to FOMO being more about the people bonding than the event, is the fact that people can experience FOMO even for unenjoyable missed events.  Sad and stressful events can often be emotionally bonding.  Attending a funeral, going through an initiation ceremony, or white knuckling a presentation can be intense pathways to creating social connections. Stressful events can become fertile ground for FOMO as they provide the context for developing intimacy that someone may feel left out of if they were to miss the experience. 

Understanding the root of FOMO helps us to mitigate its effect. Often the advice to avoid FOMO is to limit time on social media, reducing our exposure to events or interactions that make us feel left out.  But our three FOMO researchers developed a plan that involves going to the source of the discomfort.  Since the core of the anxiety is about missed relationships, researchers hypothesized that doing something to remind yourself of belonging would be helpful.  The reflection was a way to provide a sense of security to inoculate against FOMO.  To support their approach, researchers asked one group of people to scroll through social media until they began to feel a sense of being left out and rate this FOMO feeling.  Another group was asked to do the same thing, but before rating the level of FOMO, they were instructed to recall a time they had been socializing with close friends.  Results showed a significant difference between the two groups, supporting the positive effect of the friendship reflection as a way to reduce FOMO.

So, reminding yourself of the meaningful relationships you already have and reaffirming your social belonging in the moment may help with the rush of anxiety that is a hallmark of FOMO.  Another approach is to reframe missing an event as a source of relief, even joy.  A new wave of JOMO, or the joy of missing out, can be refreshing.  Especially if you remind yourself that your social belonging is not in jeopardy, missing an event may free up time to do other things or save money.  Especially if you attend events out of the fear of missing out, by challenging your fears, you give yourself a chance to choose what is preferable to you in your own way.  Maybe you plan a BBQ later in the week or a trip to the beach.  Creating events on your own terms may be more fun and engaging in the long run.

Looking at the roots of FOMO may help us let go of some of its power.  Have you ever been upset that you planned a great weekend get away for your family, but your kid is crying because she’s going to miss soccer practice?  Or your husband is grumpy he has to go to visit his Uncle instead of attending a game?  It helps us have compassion for the people we care about when we understand that their FOMO is about their sense of belonging with their peers rather than a rejection of us.

So think of the money you’ll save and the hours you’ll have for yourself when you can resist the urge to go do something out of fear.  And according to many authors, JOMO is not about being antisocial or oscillating, its about being able to be more conscious in how you choose your time and allowing yourself to be more present in the moment.  So maybe while you’re NOT attending something, you’ll have the time to read Svend Brinkman’s book The Joy of Missing Out:  The Art of Self Restraint in an Age of Excess. Or you can read Tanya Dalton’s The Joy of Missing Out: Live More by Doing Less.  Or maybe, just maybe, if you like, order the books and choose not to read them!