In my last post I addressed the issue of anger and how to keep yourself from saying or doing something you’d regret.  I shared a tool, the 5 Rs, to help you slow down and think things through before you acted.  But then, I hate to admit, I left you hanging!  So what do you do once you calm down and clarify the issue that’s upsetting you and are ready to do the final “R,” Return.  So today, I’m going to follow up with some good advice I found about how to communicate when you have a genuine issue you want to address.  Managing arguments is such a key piece of maintaining our relationships, especially with people we love the most, who also can upset us the most. Conflict can be scary and vulnerable terrain. I hope these tips will help smooth your way through some of those bumpy roads.

One of the first, and I think the most important tips, is to remember that the person you are approaching is not your enemy.  Especially when you’re in conflict with a loved one, you have to keep in mind that they ultimately want what is best for the two of you and are not trying to bring you down.  It may seem like it when they are in their own reactive mode, defensive and trying to prove their point, but remember, this is a person you love and respect.

Next, along the same lines, remind yourself that the point is not to “win”  This is not a debate competition.  The point is to create understanding.  If this is the goal,  it releases the pressure for one of you to be proven right or wrong.  The goal can be a mutual effort at rebuilding or strengthening the connection.  Essentially, the relationship should be the ultimate victor.

Despite how it may feel, there are always varying perspectives to every situation.  Each of you holds a valid perspective and a resolution will be really hard to achieve if you can’t allow the other person their experience.  You may not agree with them, in which case you can agree to disagree about certain things, but each person must give the other person the room to have their own feelings and perceptions.  

Tolerating another person’s perspective may be a challenge, but it’s a skill you can develop.  Especially when you’re motivated by the desire for intimacy, you can learn to accept that another person has a different point of view.  It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, disrespected, or belittled.  It simply means people are unique and experience things in different ways.  As long as each person remains respectful in their communications, a disagreement does not have to be conflictual.  Learning to tolerate and accept differences is a really great gift to yourself and the people you care about.  It allows you to let go and trust, rather than holding on to a potential power struggle.

Beware of the urge to be dramatic.  It’s so common to use the words “you always” or “you never” when you want to make your point.  But these types of accusations surely put another person on the defensive.  The first thing they’ll want to do is to remind you of the times they did the opposite of what you say they always or never did or said.  Also, try to avoid personal attacks.  Keep the focus on a behavior or situation that didn’t feel right, rather than attacking someone’s character or intelligence. 

Try to express things from your own point of reference (the classic “I” statement) rather than assuming you know what the other person was thinking or their intentions.  Allow each other the time and space to complete their thoughts before you respond.  Things escalate quickly when people interrupt each other.  Often, we stop listening, formulating our next attack, rather than hear what someone is saying.  Remember the talking stick? That old stick does help to stop people from talking over one another! (As long as it’s not used as a weapon.)  If interruptions are a problem for you and the other person, you can pick a “talking object” that has special meaning or even humor for you and the person you’re talking to.

And finally, it’s essential to maintain both physical and emotional safety.  When you or the other person feel things are getting out of hand, take a break.  It’s so much better to temporarily disconnect than continue to attack each other.  It may be important to discuss boundaries at a time when you’re not upset, and lay out guidelines of acceptable behavior.  When someone begins to raise their voice, when they become too emotional, or when they stop being able to hear the other person, these are all good times to step back and commit to reapproaching when things are less tense. 

Avoiding conflict can be harmful as well.  Withdrawing or refusing to talk is an act of aggression.  It keeps the other person from being seen and has a way of invalidating someone’s experience.  Forgetting, denying, or belittling are all passive aggressive ways of discharging anger and taking control.  These behaviors most often lead to resentments and the building up of bad feelings that erode trust and closeness.

In couples therapy, one of the most important indicators of a healthy relationship is the ability to “repair” when there’s been a hurtful interaction.  People fight!  We disagree!  We get annoyed and frustrated with one another.  We have times when we feel ignored, disappointed, or angry.  These are all natural parts of closely sharing your world with someone.  I’m actually a little worried when couples tell me they “never have disagreements.”  Say what?  Are you really being open with each other, able to risk having a difference of opinion or expressing your truth? 

It’s natural to have some tensions and encounter some bumps along the road!  What matters is how you handle them.  Do you slow down and proceed with caution or do you barrel through creating more turbulence?  Do you turn around and go home or do you take hold of the wheel?  Even if you didn’t create the bumps, you’re still responsible for how you navigate them.  Be safe, be patient, and be aware of just how you’re driving impacts your fellow travelers!