Summertime means so many social engagements! Some I’m invited and many I’m not.  Even though I don’t do social media (my ego is too fragile), I’m still prone to a little heart ache when I hear people talking about the fun they had doing something I wasn’t a part of.  And the weird thing is, even when I’ve made the choice not to go to something, I can still feel left out!  FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is a real thing, existing long  before social media, but certainly heightened as Instagram shares images of other people vacationing or celebrating without us.  I found this article helpful about the underpinning of FOMO and how to understand it, written by people who have spent a long time studying it.  

Three social psychologists and marketing professors, Barbara Kahn, Cindy Chan, and Jacqueline Rifkin, have studied FOMO for over a decade.    What they’ve come to understand is that the pain of missing out is usually not actually related to the pain of missing the event, but relates more to missing the chance to experience the bond with friends, co-workers, or teammates that comes while engaging in the event.  So the critical part of FOMO is actually the fear of missing out on the interactions with people you value.  FOMO for a group dinner isn’t really about missing a great meal, but it’s the sense of lost opportunity to connect and make memories with people important to you.

FOMO can be thought of as a fear of not belonging.  What if your friends have a great time without you?  What if they bond and get closer to each other, where does that leave you?  The anxiety within FOMO can spiral into an almost paranoid sense of feeling left out.  In support of this, research shows that people with what psychologists call an “anxious attachment style,” those who chronically fear rejection or isolation from others, tend to experience more intense FOMO.  

Another piece of research that lends support to FOMO being more about the people bonding than the event, is the fact that people can experience FOMO even for unenjoyable missed events.  Sad and stressful events can often be emotionally bonding.  Attending a funeral, going through an initiation ceremony, or white knuckling a presentation can be intense pathways to creating social connections. Stressful events can become fertile ground for FOMO as they provide the context for developing intimacy that someone may feel left out of if they were to miss the experience. 

Understanding the root of FOMO helps us to mitigate its effect. Often the advice to avoid FOMO is to limit time on social media, reducing our exposure to events or interactions that make us feel left out.  But our three FOMO researchers developed a plan that involves going to the source of the discomfort.  Since the core of the anxiety is about missed relationships, researchers hypothesized that doing something to remind yourself of belonging would be helpful.  The reflection was a way to provide a sense of security to inoculate against FOMO.  To support their approach, researchers asked one group of people to scroll through social media until they began to feel a sense of being left out and rate this FOMO feeling.  Another group was asked to do the same thing, but before rating the level of FOMO, they were instructed to recall a time they had been socializing with close friends.  Results showed a significant difference between the two groups, supporting the positive effect of the friendship reflection as a way to reduce FOMO.

So, reminding yourself of the meaningful relationships you already have and reaffirming your social belonging in the moment may help with the rush of anxiety that is a hallmark of FOMO.  Another approach is to reframe missing an event as a source of relief, even joy.  A new wave of JOMO, or the joy of missing out, can be refreshing.  Especially if you remind yourself that your social belonging is not in jeopardy, missing an event may free up time to do other things or save money.  Especially if you attend events out of the fear of missing out, by challenging your fears, you give yourself a chance to choose what is preferable to you in your own way.  Maybe you plan a BBQ later in the week or a trip to the beach.  Creating events on your own terms may be more fun and engaging in the long run.

Looking at the roots of FOMO may help us let go of some of its power.  Have you ever been upset that you planned a great weekend get away for your family, but your kid is crying because she’s going to miss soccer practice?  Or your husband is grumpy he has to go to visit his Uncle instead of attending a game?  It helps us have compassion for the people we care about when we understand that their FOMO is about their sense of belonging with their peers rather than a rejection of us.

So think of the money you’ll save and the hours you’ll have for yourself when you can resist the urge to go do something out of fear.  And according to many authors, JOMO is not about being antisocial or oscillating, its about being able to be more conscious in how you choose your time and allowing yourself to be more present in the moment.  So maybe while you’re NOT attending something, you’ll have the time to read Svend Brinkman’s book The Joy of Missing Out:  The Art of Self Restraint in an Age of Excess. Or you can read Tanya Dalton’s The Joy of Missing Out: Live More by Doing Less.  Or maybe, just maybe, if you like, order the books and choose not to read them!

If you’re like most people, getting motivated is hard.  And STAYING motivated is even harder!  When we set a new goal it’s usually with the image of how great it’ll be when we get there.  But along the way, after setbacks and off days, the finish line can seem farther and farther away.  The discouragement creeps in and our determination begins to fade.  It’s really natural to feel the work is pointless, or at least not worth the effort.  In a recent article by my favorite Slow AF Running Club leader, Martinus Evans, he addressed the question on how to stay motivated when progress feels so hard to come by.  I appreciated Martinus’ perspective and thought I would expand on it and share it with you. I also want to pay tribute to my Dad, this Father’s Day, another big man who defied the odds and pushed through what seemed to be the impossible.

Essentially, the key to staying motivated is to keep redefining what progress is.  If you only define success as achieving the ultimate end goal, it’ll be hard to feel any success along the way, and that’s discouraging.  If, however, you see elements of your progress as success, you’ll have many victories.  Reaching your ultimate goal will be the icing on the cake, not the party itself.  In other words, it’s important to look at the WHYS of your goal.  Is running a 10K simply about running the 10K, or is it about having something to work toward and along the way becoming more fit, getting outdoors more, and redefining yourself as an athlete?  Even if progress is slow, you’re still having success in the process.  

As Martinus puts it, “there are many kinds of wins.”  I love how he describes the day he ran in shorts for the first time, exposing his legs to the world, as a win.  He didn’t run his marathon goal that day, but he achieved real transformation.  He also states, “the pace of your progress does not determine its value.”  So wise!  As anyone who set out to do a big change knows, there is always way more challenge to it than you ever expected.  Marking and noticing small changes and victories as time goes by is a key to staying motivated.

Sometimes, achieving a goal can involve untangling years of conditioning and years of shame.  Or it can mean creating a more compassionate and insightful understanding of your current situation.  If change was easy, we would just do it!  No NIKE ad here!  We need to understand and honor the very small steps that lead us to a big change and remember that these small steps were actually the point in the first place.  If running the 10K was easy, you would just get up and do it, NIKE inspired, but where would the growth be in that?  Where would the transformation be?  You would still be the same person you were the day before.

As I’ve said many times in this blog over the years, yet, have to remind myself almost every day, change is a process.  But that IS the point, in reality!  We develop new habits, new identities, new relationships and new awareness when we go through the process of change. It truly is about the journey.  Ask any successful athlete, musician, or business person.  You have to find an aspect of positive engagement with the work in order to stay with it.   

Here are some tips to help support you in thinking about your goal in terms of its process.  Think about each step that you will need to achieve along the way.  Break your big goal down into small pieces that you can celebrate. Keep a journal to mark each success and reflect on your journey.  Writing about it can help you discover unexpected goals!  By journaling, you will notice growth in areas you didn’t even think about.  Did Martinus think to write down “Wearing shorts during a run” as a goal?  But it became an unexpected victory that had great meaning to him!  

Focus on quality, not speed.  Rushing can lead to superficial gains while taking your time can help build foundations.  Slow and steady progress usually leads to more resilience in facing setbacks or maintaining the gains you achieve.  Every crash diet I went on, including the famous “Cabbage diet” had initial weight  loss, but ended up being abandoned, even laughed at later.  Short cuts take away the change process and can rob you of the full benefit you were seeking that underlies the WHY of your desired goal. A healthy lifestyle is a much better path to healthy weight maintenance than cabbage soup!

This lesson became even more clear to me with my entry into the essay contest I shared in a recent post.  In setting my goal I learned some important things about myself along the way!  I realized that I wanted to share my writing, as it means a lot to me.  I also learned I want my writing to be evaluated and to get better at it.  I did in fact, through the process of deciding to enter the contest, writing the piece and submitting it, validate myself more as a “writer,” as opposed to someone who writes.  In all the ways I made myself vulnerable to take the risk of entering, it helped me stretch myself and what I thought I was capable of. All of these growth steps were really important for me, even before I learned of the results.

And hey, as I predicted, I didn’t win the $500 top prize, nor was I a finalist.  But I was listed with a few others as an “entry of note.”  Given the number of entrants and the fact that many were by published authors and creative writing instructors, my being mentioned as an entry of note made me want to sing!  I’ll put that one in my journal of unexpected wins.

So Happy Fathers Day, my Dad! Your memory is a blessing.

In my last post I addressed the issue of anger and how to keep yourself from saying or doing something you’d regret.  I shared a tool, the 5 Rs, to help you slow down and think things through before you acted.  But then, I hate to admit, I left you hanging!  So what do you do once you calm down and clarify the issue that’s upsetting you and are ready to do the final “R,” Return.  So today, I’m going to follow up with some good advice I found about how to communicate when you have a genuine issue you want to address.  Managing arguments is such a key piece of maintaining our relationships, especially with people we love the most, who also can upset us the most. Conflict can be scary and vulnerable terrain. I hope these tips will help smooth your way through some of those bumpy roads.

One of the first, and I think the most important tips, is to remember that the person you are approaching is not your enemy.  Especially when you’re in conflict with a loved one, you have to keep in mind that they ultimately want what is best for the two of you and are not trying to bring you down.  It may seem like it when they are in their own reactive mode, defensive and trying to prove their point, but remember, this is a person you love and respect.

Next, along the same lines, remind yourself that the point is not to “win”  This is not a debate competition.  The point is to create understanding.  If this is the goal,  it releases the pressure for one of you to be proven right or wrong.  The goal can be a mutual effort at rebuilding or strengthening the connection.  Essentially, the relationship should be the ultimate victor.

Despite how it may feel, there are always varying perspectives to every situation.  Each of you holds a valid perspective and a resolution will be really hard to achieve if you can’t allow the other person their experience.  You may not agree with them, in which case you can agree to disagree about certain things, but each person must give the other person the room to have their own feelings and perceptions.  

Tolerating another person’s perspective may be a challenge, but it’s a skill you can develop.  Especially when you’re motivated by the desire for intimacy, you can learn to accept that another person has a different point of view.  It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, disrespected, or belittled.  It simply means people are unique and experience things in different ways.  As long as each person remains respectful in their communications, a disagreement does not have to be conflictual.  Learning to tolerate and accept differences is a really great gift to yourself and the people you care about.  It allows you to let go and trust, rather than holding on to a potential power struggle.

Beware of the urge to be dramatic.  It’s so common to use the words “you always” or “you never” when you want to make your point.  But these types of accusations surely put another person on the defensive.  The first thing they’ll want to do is to remind you of the times they did the opposite of what you say they always or never did or said.  Also, try to avoid personal attacks.  Keep the focus on a behavior or situation that didn’t feel right, rather than attacking someone’s character or intelligence. 

Try to express things from your own point of reference (the classic “I” statement) rather than assuming you know what the other person was thinking or their intentions.  Allow each other the time and space to complete their thoughts before you respond.  Things escalate quickly when people interrupt each other.  Often, we stop listening, formulating our next attack, rather than hear what someone is saying.  Remember the talking stick? That old stick does help to stop people from talking over one another! (As long as it’s not used as a weapon.)  If interruptions are a problem for you and the other person, you can pick a “talking object” that has special meaning or even humor for you and the person you’re talking to.

And finally, it’s essential to maintain both physical and emotional safety.  When you or the other person feel things are getting out of hand, take a break.  It’s so much better to temporarily disconnect than continue to attack each other.  It may be important to discuss boundaries at a time when you’re not upset, and lay out guidelines of acceptable behavior.  When someone begins to raise their voice, when they become too emotional, or when they stop being able to hear the other person, these are all good times to step back and commit to reapproaching when things are less tense. 

Avoiding conflict can be harmful as well.  Withdrawing or refusing to talk is an act of aggression.  It keeps the other person from being seen and has a way of invalidating someone’s experience.  Forgetting, denying, or belittling are all passive aggressive ways of discharging anger and taking control.  These behaviors most often lead to resentments and the building up of bad feelings that erode trust and closeness.

In couples therapy, one of the most important indicators of a healthy relationship is the ability to “repair” when there’s been a hurtful interaction.  People fight!  We disagree!  We get annoyed and frustrated with one another.  We have times when we feel ignored, disappointed, or angry.  These are all natural parts of closely sharing your world with someone.  I’m actually a little worried when couples tell me they “never have disagreements.”  Say what?  Are you really being open with each other, able to risk having a difference of opinion or expressing your truth? 

It’s natural to have some tensions and encounter some bumps along the road!  What matters is how you handle them.  Do you slow down and proceed with caution or do you barrel through creating more turbulence?  Do you turn around and go home or do you take hold of the wheel?  Even if you didn’t create the bumps, you’re still responsible for how you navigate them.  Be safe, be patient, and be aware of just how you’re driving impacts your fellow travelers!